Hey y’all, I wrote two other reviews today so let’s crank out this last one shall we?
Monday Night Raw Opening
- The intro song starts off the show, that is a rarity. At least to my memory.
Brock Lesnar
- Brock has a new shirt, well it is still the Suplex City design, but it is red now.
- The triple threat match is advertised. I know we all are in the ‘Roman wins’ boat. I also know, not too many people would want to see Lesnar and HHH again. I am leaning towards Dean Ambrose winning if only for the story telling possibilities. Plus it’s easier to boo Roman Reigns. He is damn near perfect, who wants to cheer for that guy. (Not Mr. Perfect, everyone loves him.)
- Paul Heyman says we will cover a lot of business tonight. Heyman brings up the Wyatt’s.
- Paul says that Brock will deal with the Wyatt’s whenever he wants. Heyman reminds me of a lawyer pleading his case to a judge. He is totally an advocate, he chose the perfect word to describe himself.
- Heyman added the tagline “brother vs. brother vs. beast”
- Lesnar just bouncing back and forth while Heyman calmly talks is so disturbing. I feel like Lesnar is a caged monster and that cage is his own self control.
- I imagine Heyman follows Lesnar everywhere. “Brock Lesnar will brush his teeth, Brock Lesnar’s teeth are so white. Plaque runs away from Brock Lesnar when the Beast thinks about dental care.” “Brock Lesnar will change that diaper, he can wipe a butt with the grace of a predatory lion.” I think we all need someone like Paul Heyman to introduce us and make us feel unstoppable. I would love to have an advocate like that.
Dean Ambrose enters
- Ambrose calls Heyman porky….
- Ambrose says he says to himself “self” and I like it cause I DO THAT !!
- Ambrose says he is not crazy or stupid but he respects Brock Lesnar. He tells Lesnar he is not scared.
- Dean says he wants the World Title so bad he would fight his own brother for it. He knows the beating he will receive at Fastlane “take me to suplex city baby” He says Brock better be prepared to give Ambrose the worst beating he has ever given anyone.
- Ambrose calls himself “the Ironman” of WWE. New nickname GET THE T-SHIRTS MADE.
- Ambrose laid down his promo and left the ring. He asked for a trip to Suplex City and then doesn’t wait for the ride?
- Lesnar is laughin in disbelief.
And I’m Like… Quick concise and to the point. I like openings like that. It really added drama to the Ambrose/Lesnar dynamic. I liked how that was presented, yes, three guys are involved but having 3 separate reasons for the match outside of ‘we want the title’ will make that match so much better!
Kalisto vs. Rusev w/ Lana
- Del Rio is at ringside and I smell shenanigans .
- Rusev got his own entrance, Del Rio was out first. Are The League of Nations still a cohesive unit? Or are they just hanging out to raise each others profiles.
- Rusev = TV Champ sign!!!
- Del Rio said he lost the last two times against Kalisto because he got cocky.
- This match feels very fresh. It’s speed vs. strength. Problem for Kalisto is Rusev is plenty quick. Like when Kalisto tried jumping over the top rope at Rusev. Rusev was quick enough to kick Kalisto in the face.
- Do you think that having Kalisto’s chant be “lucha” people google that and discover Lucha Underground?
- We come back from break and Rusev is still in charge. Cole brings up a good point. If Rusev wins does he get title contention status for the U.S. Title? That would cause a rift in LoN right?
- I never thought about it til now but Rusev’s name in NXT was Alexander Rusev.. Meaning Lana’s full name is Lana Rusev right?
- Kalisto is in pinball mode jumping off all the ropes and spinning and flipping. Rusev is a bull though so he just caught Kalisto and slammed that dude to the ground like Rusev was apart of Onyx .
- Kalisto did the basement hurricanrana but only Kalisto’s feet hit the mat, Rusev’s head didn’t come close.
- Del Rio took his headset off cause he wanted to motivate Rusev. Kalisto tried jumping at The Bulgarian but Rusev caught him.
- Rusev tries to throw Kalisto onto the table but Kalisto landed on his feet. Hurricanrana’d Rusev into the barricade and made it to the ring by 10.
And I’m Like… Kalisto won, no shenanigans. I am so surprised. Pleasantly surprised. This is building to Del Rio vs. Kalisto vol. 7.
Roman and Dean are backstage with Stephanie. She gives Paul Heyman credit for making fun of Ambrose. She reminds Roman Reigns that he lost his belt 8 days ago. Roman acts like he don’t care because of course he does. Steph foreshadows by saying “Dean you said you’d do anything for the WWE championship.” I am asking, does Dean holding the IC title up the prestige of the belt by being in the WWE Number One contender match? He isn’t defending the title, but he is getting it on TV. Stephanie talks about how absolute power corrupts. She is really planting the seeds, but Roman and Dean can see through it and tells her it doesn’t work. Steph books the main event tonight. Dean and Roman vs. New Day.
Renee interviews Brie about Nikki Bella. Brie talks about future projects until Charlotte shows up. Charlotte ‘nice bitches’ Nikki. Charlotte takes the blame for Nikki’s neck surgery. Brie is trying to be nice and cordial but Charlotte is pushing the buttons of Brie. Charlotte is gloating about her greatness, I would say she is aloof but she is champ right now..
The Uso’s vs. Social Outcasts.
- Since Roman gots New Day in the main event we know The Uso’s are open for a feud right?
- LOLOL Lillian Garcia said Uso’s are ‘Grammy Award’ winning.
- Cole covers Lillian’s mistake but JBL won’t let it go “we need Chimel back”
- Heath makes fun of Uso’s saying they aren’t family. They keep saying how tight they are and they are like the “tightest brothers in WWE”
- They can’t find Bo Dallas because he is recording rap songs. The Social Outcasts are trying to do the New Day thing, I don’t know if it is garnering a reaction but I am entertained in their doofusness.
- Cole says Thursday a new WWE.com show will start and The Social Outcasts will play the Uso’s in a friendly game of cornhole… That could have been plugged later. I don’t want to be told that these guys are friendly WHILE they are beating each other up. That takes away some of the reason for these guys to wrestles and just makes it seem like they like to feel punishment and pain. I know wrestling is scripted but damn.
- Adam Rose has a headlock on an Uso for a while. Headlocks make me ponder todays wrestling scene. People get injured because of the style of wrestling, it’s high impact high speed ALL THE TIME. How catn you train an audience to accept headlocks again? Like, 80’s matches had headlocks and reverse chinlocks and arm wringers all the time, the crowd still was hootin and hollering. Now if a headlock is applied for more than 2 minutes, the crowd is chanting “boring”. If we want the wrestlers to get injured less, we as fans need to be invested in the lower impact style.
- The Uso’s hit their signatures and splash for the win.
And I’m Like… Ugh The Uso’s dancing bothers me.. At least the Outcasts got on TV. That match will not be remembered next week, but it happened this week. I hope Bo really is recording an album. He needs Sami Zayn and Xavier Woods to feature with him. Just stay away from R-Truth, Bo…
Miz TV with AJ Styles
- I am worried for this. Miz TV segments usually are soft shell taco mild sauce. I want hot flavor you know? AJ isn’t hot flavor on the mic. He makes up for it in the ring but this has me worried.
- Miz says MizTV is a public service. It is a forum for storytelling, he says AJ’s story is phenomenal.
- This could be good as an introduction for the casual WWE fewer that has never heard of TNA or NJPW.
- AJ’s theme still adds an aura of hipness to him. Yes, I know if I use the word hip I am not hip. Therefore I can’t tell who is hip and who isn’t.
- Miz is doing his MizTV gimmick that he did on the first episode, he asks the question and then answers the questions. That is very smart.
- AJ adds himself to the pantheon of southern accented WWF wrestlers. It’s not that long of a list I think, I remember Dr. D, Jeff Jarrett, Jim Ross, Cornette, umm….. yeah, actual wrestlers from the South? Can’t think of many. I know I am missing tons.
- Miz is rambling about AJ and I am losing interest. Miz is the bad guy, he is given the job to get a guy over as a good guy by complimenting him, and telling him he is like Daniel Bryan.
- STFU MIZ!!! Don’t bring up Daniel Bryan, it’s sad enough Bret Hart told us he has cancer, now you bringing up the one guy that draws out emotion EVERYTIME he hits the ramp. Too much.
- Miz wants to mentor AJ Styles. AJ pay attention to Alex Riley and Damien Mizdow. Their careers are in the toilet now.
- Miz says “who the hell is AJ Styles anyway” Miz says “This is the WWE and the E is just as important as the W” The crowd just chants “AJ Styles”
- Damn if The Miz didn’t achieve his goal, this guy is crazy talented at crowd manipulation. Too bad AJ looks like he is about to cry when he is supposed to look angered… Actually I don’t know what AJ is supposed to look like.
- AJ attacks Miz with so much fire!! Hot Flavor y’all and AJ didn’t say a word on the mic and he made an impression.
- Guy in Bullet Club shirt was not cheering when AJ was kicking ass. SHAME!
And I’m Like… Shocked at how much I underestimated the Miz at getting someone cheered. The man has a gift, he just couldn’t do it for himself. I don’t know if AJ is feuding with Miz, I thought Miz was doing something with Neville. I don’t know anymore, I am trying to figure out where the pieces will be come Wrestlemania, but a lot is still up in the air.
Brie Bella vs. Charlotte
- Cole tells us to talk about this using #TotalDivas even though Charlotte isn’t on the show.
- Charlotte starts the match off with push-ups. She relishes this role so much. I can appreciate Charlotte is good at her job but I want to boo her so bad… Not too many other wrestlers get that reaction out of me.
- Charlotte also looks so vicious when she hits her offense.
- It seems like Charlotte moves so naturally and doesn’t think about how she is doing what she is doing. She is in the moment. Brie not so much. She is so awkward in the ring because she is very apparent in how she is thinking about what to do next and how to do it.
- Charlotte is dominating and Brie is trying to pull something out that will work against Charlotte.
- Now that Charlotte is the definitive heel, that kind of makes all the other girls on the show faces. The Bella’s allegiances change on a whim, everyone else seems to not do anything to get boo’d.
- Brie countered a Figure-8 with a small package and won. I’ll give that one to Daniel Bryan for teaching the ways of the small package.
- Charlotte looks embarrassed. Brie looks shocked and happy.
And I’m Like… Brie got the pin? I don’t know about that, Charlotte must have been cocky like Del Rio was against Kalisto. I don’t have much to say about that.. What happened to Sasha? I knew that Total Diva hashtag meant trouble.
Erick Rowan vs. Big Show
- Rowan is one of the only guys his size that are not believable to win a match. I am legit surprised every time Rowan wins a match or gets the pin. Even though he is a big man, in a group of giants he is ‘take the pin guy’
- It’s funny the Wyatt’s took out Brock to pick a fight, he didn’t answer right away, so they don’t know what to do. They are like ‘welp, beat up Big Show?’
- Big Show won very fast with a chokeslam because Erick Rowan. Strowman and Big Show had a staredown but The Wyatt’s destroyed Show. They are Brayless too.
And I’m Like… The crowd is chanting “Cena”? Wyatt’s only need 3 guys to take out the Big Show. Wyatt’s don’t take too many people out if they aren’t involved in a storyline. This either means they are gonna get in a storyline or that Big Show is weak lately. Luke Harper is being the Warchief and leading the battle. The Wyatt’s slam Show on the steel aluminum steps while Harper “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s”
Titus O’Neil vs. Tyler Breeze
- Tyler Breeze never had vignettes, he lost Summer Rae, but he is on TV though. I really hope Zoolander 2 is a hit so that can jump start Breeze’s career again. Stiller has been on RAw before.
- Breeze says Titus is an uggo cause he wore a helmet to cover his face.
- JBL says Breeze is wearing Gucci pants.
- As Cole was gonna let Byron put Tyler over Titus caught Breeze mid-air and that made Cole change topics mid-conversation. Poor Tyler
- I hate that I watched Breaking Ground and it made me like Breeze even more, he was so validated to get called up. Granted he gets a bigger paycheck and is on television, it just seems like feuding with Titus is a waste of Tylers talents.
- Speaking of waste of talents, Fandango? Where he at?
- Tyler got almost no offense in but got caught in Clash of the Titus.
And I’m Like… These matches are going by quickly, it makes Raw zoom by, but I don’t feel like anything of substance is happening. Like, has anything happened yet tonight? Brie won….
HHH shows up and asks Paul to give him and Brock a second with the camera man. I understand that Paul can’t be in there but if he runs to a monitor he can catch up. HHH says Brock is getting soft for not destroying Dean. Lesnar answers with “I guess we’ll find out at Wrestlemania”
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kevin Owens
- This match was so good let’s do it again.
- You know someone would really benefit from WWE programming if their gimmick was “best of 7 series”. The guy will only move on to another opponent after he won a best of 7 series. That way every time they wrestle every week it will have meaning. I’m not saying its sustainable, but it would help weekly television.
- Owens blocked Ziggler’s DDT on the outside and threw him over the barricade for commercial break.
- We come back from break and Owens has a headlock in. Do you think the ref tells them when to do the headlocks? The timing of those headlocks with commercial breaks are so punctual.
- Ziggler is getting his ass kicked so bad we keep seeing picture in picture replays of all the times he is getting hit hard. WWE loves to replay actual violence. If something legit dangerous happens they replay it over and again during the match.
- Owens missed the pop-up powerbomb and Ziggler was able to get Kevin on the apron then hit him with a superkick.
- Ziggler leaves the ring and delivers the fameasser on the outside of the ring to Owens.
- The Twitter feed is talking about how the Uso’s won a Grammy. Poor Lillian.
- Owens was in control and went to the top rope. Ziggler tried to reverse that with a top rope facebuster. Owens fought out of it twice. Got Ziggler in the tree of woe, hit a cannonball, went for a pop-up powerbomb, missed. Ziggler hit the Zig Zag and won….
And I’m Like… 50/50 means that these two will wrestle each other for the rest of the month probably. Byron “can’t believe Ziggler won” YEAH RIGHT!! There are very few people I am shocked lose. Ziggler and Owens are not one of them. They have characters that can win and lose all the time and retain credibility.
Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch
- Serotonin gets released when I hear Sasha Banks theme song.
- The announcers are really putting over how great Sasha is. I’ve learned to listen to the subtle lines of Cole.
- Sasha Banks says “the Boss is back and it’s on my term. No more sitting in the back and watching other Diva’s steal my spotlight.” She says she is on her own… what about “UNITY?”
- Naomi came out with Tamina… good I need closure.
- Naomi says “look at baby girl, spreading her wings, stepping out on her own.” Sasha says Team B.A.D. is a family but she came her to be the best. Tamina cut her off.
- Naomi said she knew this moment would come. “at some point, we all have to make our own mark and create our own legacy.” Tamina said they came out to congratulate her. She don’t want to end up like Wiz and Kanye. Naomi said “we can be competitors and be sisters.”
- Sasha says she has a match with Becky by herself, she wants to know if they have her back.
- She goes for the Unity fists. and UNNNIIITTYYY!!! YES!
- Bex comes out alone and I am really nervous for Sasha.
- Remember that match on NXT with these two? They just tore each others arms off. I know it will be FOREVER until there is that much crowd investment and drama in a diva match, but damn.. good times.
- This match so far is pin attempts and reversals. They are looking a little planned, the spots I mean.
- Sasha looks directly into the camera and yells at Charlotte.
- Byron says BOSS stands for “Built On Self Success” Cole says Becky was “Built On Hard Word” so BOHW?
- Naomi and Tamina tried to beat up Becky but Sasha said she got it covered. Sasha tried to send them to the back…
- The only difference between United and Untied is where the I is put. Looks like Team B.A.D. is broken up. Becky helps out Sasha and Team BAE is in the ring as the crowd showers them in chants of “NXT”
And I’m Like… Story advances, emotions are shown, characters gain strength. I like how Becky is still the girl that just wants things to be just and have wrestling matches. Sasha is someone that wants to do it on her own, and Tamina and Naomi were down for their team until they were kicked to the side. The only gripe I have is the crowd that was quiet during the whole match but then when Becky and Sasha stand tall at the end of the segment there are NXT chants? What are we chanting for? Brand warfare? It surely isn’t woman’s wrestling, or you would have heard the crowd during THE MATCH. Oh well, this is a long road to travel to get this Woman’s wrestling thing respected by the casual crowd.
Jericho is quoting old Rock and Roll… He is paying respect to rock legends, I get it. If his gimmick is Cool Dad, he would totally quote old rock songs.
R-Truth is in the bathroom and Goldust is waiting on top of a toilet to ask Truth to get in a tag team. He says they should be called “Golden Truth” Truth said Goldust is a weirdo so he doesn’t want to be on a team. Goldust brings up Lil’ Jimmy Truth’s imaginary friend. These are like the two oldest guys on the roster and they are doing bathroom storylines about being a tag team. Wrestling is weird. You got a rapper who has an imaginary friend and a man who thought he was an Oscar, then was an artist formally known as himself, then like a Tourettes guy, then he has been a combination of all three since.
New Day vs. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
- The New Day got mics!
- Paul Heyman is at ringside… Lesnar is destroying someone tonight.
- The New Day are sick and tired of The Rock.
- Big E brings up Amber Rose putting her finger in Kanye’s butt. That is two Kanye references in one night. I guess that is all that was pop cultury in the past week.
- The New Day told The Rock to “Think about the Children and the Babies”
- New Day tells a little kid they will fight him, that little kid is in a Bullet Club shirt and doing the Big E hip dance!!! Oh God! Can you imagine that kid doing that at school!! LOL..
- I love that Big E always wants to stay PG. Xavier and Kofi say Ambreigns is the name of tumblr fan fiction. They were gonna talk about it but Big E cut them off because PG.
- Roman Reigns comes out alone down the stairs… What Dean can’t be with you no more? Your a F’N team
- Cole says they will be in Seattle next week… They did a Daniel Bryan reference this week. PLEASE SHOW UP!! PLEASE DANIEL!! YOUR OUR ONLY HOPE!!!
- Kofi moves from hammerlocks to head locks to arm wringers to wristlocks and then pushes Roman and yells “get off me” Kofi is so funny sometimes. So glad he turned heel and did more than smile and clap.
- After Kofi got worked over for most of the match Roman went for a Superman punch and they pulled Kofi to the outside.
- I still remember that night New Day took out Cena and the Dudleyz and stood tall. That night did so much for them, they really only looked tough and strong one night. All the other night’s they are having too much fun.
- After seeing Big E do that apron splash on Bubba Dudley that one time where it bent Bubba in half. I get nervous for that move now.
- Xavier won’t play Frencesca as often anymore because the crowd likes it. The only time we hear it is during the Unicorn Stampede.
- Since Team B.A.D. broke up that by proxy mean B.A.D. Day is no longer a thing. Remember that ONE TIME they were a thing on T.V.? I was so happy for those 5 minutes.
- Big E and Kofi are doing good at cutting the ring off from Dean Ambrose. Not good enough though because Roman got the hot tag. You heard kid voices cheering then male voices boo’ing…
- Roman was loading up a normal punch by legit doing a wanking motion. He punched Kofi. Then he did another wanking motion, kissed his hand then jacked it for Superman punch. Is Roman aware of how phallic his moves are? It’s like the Luniz song “I got 5 on it” Dude says “taking sacks to the face” in the song… no one told him that could be misinterpreted?
- Big E and Roman screwed up this spot where Big E was gonna put Roman through a table, The timing was off so they just kinda hugged and jumped.
- Big E went for the Darkest Hour (that’s the name right?) Roman was able to hit a Superman punch, Dean hit Dirty Deeds. Paul Heyman wasn’t really saying much. Ambreigns wins.
- Brock’s music hit and New Day attacked Ambriengs from behind.
- Lesnar runs in the ring and F-5’s Dean Ambrose while Roman and Kofi and Roman were fighting on the outside and then all of a sudden they both are laying down…
And I’m Like… all that end stuff with Roman was awkward as hell. It’s like he kept forgetting what to do. That’s the problem with having scripts, once something goes awry these guys don’t have the skills to save it using their abilities gained through being out without a net. The script helps the show with punctuality but it sometimes hurts things that are supposed to be ‘in the moment’.
That was a typical Raw episode. For character development we really only got two diva’s stuff and Golddust and R-Truth, everyone else stayed the same and did the same stuff. I still can’t wait til next week.
Thank you for reading.
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have a good one!
-Jake
