And I’m Like… (Reviewing Raw January 4th 2016)

Hello people. How are you all doing today? Well I hope. A little personal stuff in italics, then RAW in normal font.

That is a picture of my regular and my dishwasher. He is dressed as the Unknown Comic , she…. always looks like that.  He also has a problem with pooping his pants. Already passed last years amount with 3 times. Only times he calls in sick is when he poops himself, yesterday did it at work, and today he did it while waiting for a ride. At first it was funny, but damn this guy shits himself a lot. Not much else to say on the work front. At home, the wife is taking good care of our 6 week old daughter. My daughter Lucy is working hard at training to beat Sasha Banks one day.

Monday Night Raw Opening-

• We get a replay package of McMahon getting punched in the face, then dental surgery, then call out Roman Reigns. Roman pushed Vince because Vince said he paid Roman’s dad peanuts to put his body on the line, and Vince lined his pockets with Sika’s earned money.
• Vince feigns injury, Steph intervenes and this segment crawls up it’s own butt and Vince gets arrested while Roman looks on and smiles.
• As a business owner, I couldn’t imagine having an employee able to beat me up, beat up and berate my family, get me arrested, and not show any remorse or idea of consequence. Based on this story it’s not like Vince and family are able to do anything to stop Roman. I cannot visualize how to stop Roman Reigns or how to cheer for this version of his character.
• Only thing that gets me on Roman’s side is Vince always putting Sheamus in matches. He is so 50/50 that I have lost interest in his character progression.

Stephanie McMahon comes out

Roman Reigns comes out

• Steph’s music doesn’t even get to the part where “nobody do her like she do her”. Roman’s music takes over and we get a staredown.
• Roman is a crap kayfabe employee… he is like Noodle Boy .
• I am a millennial, and I hire and work with mostly millennials. The problem with “us” is we are an easy money generation. Take the most we can get for the least we can do. Do a little bit of work and wonder why the world doesn’t applaud us and shower us in prizes and rewards. Our life is more important than ANYONE else’s, unless they are disenfranchised and we care about the cause. Then anyone who doesn’t care about that cause are evil and deserve to be disrespected. My point is… Roman is perfect for my generation because he is the embodiment of our generation. He was handed something on a platter and didn’t deserve it. Once he actually worked his ass off to earn it, he becomes this entitled devil may care bully.
• Steph doesn’t buy Roman’s passion. She says “the only way we get through the day to day monotony is hope that something will be different.” That is so good! It’s true too. I work 7-days a week for about 12 hours a day. Come home to my daughter and the only thing that really lets my brain escape is wrestling. Nothing changes. At the same time if you don’t move forward, you stay in the same place. Being in such a well grooved routine makes it hard to move forward, but I’m HOPING I’m moving forward.
• Steph says she will use Roman, make him fight the whole roster up and down, every night, until his body is broken. Then “these people won’t care about you” She is spot on too. Roman could go the path of Superstar Billy Graham .
• Roman acted like he didn’t care.

And I’m Like… I understand that Roman is upset and thinks he needs to take it to the McMahons. Reigns needs to realize that The McMahons sign is paycheck, let him be in The Shield, gave him title shot after title shot, and don’t fire him. Maybe, show some respect? I also understand that The McMahons are going about this in the worst way so they should be taught a lesson. I just feel that this direction makes it hard to cheer for either side.

Kevin Owens vs. Neville

• We see a few replays of last week when Owens lost to Neville and proceeded to kick the poop out of Dean Ambrose.
• Dean Ambrose is going to be on commentary for the match. My regular pointed out how Reigns and Ambrose are “running” the WWE because they have the two top titles. He has been a fan since the 70’s so the World and IC titles have some meaning to him.
• Kevin Owens and Ambrose are top level talent. They have been main-eventers but not for long periods of time. That adds some prestige to the IC title right?
• Neville comes out with taped ribs but is doing all of his taunts without grimacing. I don’t know if the taped ribs thing is because of the beating last week or if he really is hurt. If it is from last week’s beating he should be selling that shit. If it is real, he is tough for not selling.
• Neville starts this match with a bang. Flies over the top rope onto Owens, jumps off the steps into a running front flip onto Kevin. Then Byron says “Neville looks like he is 100%” True dat Byron.
• AS Neville is doing a springboard dropkick and shooting star from the top to the outside, Ambrose talks about how he never got to see Neville this close and he is loving it.
• Neville was staying on Owens until Kevin was able to thrust kick Neville into the ribs. That slowed this to a crawl. Owens does a hanging ddt from the top turnbuckle and Nevill took THE BEST DDT I have seen in months, if not years. He drops right on his own head and lands onto his feet and then falls on his face. BEAUTY!!
• Owens goes for the low blow to the turnbuckle post move from last week, but Neville was able to counter. He had a week to learn the counter and he succeeded.
• Neville just did a 450 from the apron to the floor onto Owens… Holy Hell!! He is just blowing his load all over this match. I can barely digest any of these flippy moves before another one happens.
• Owens is able to counter a few times, and that’s all he needs. One cannonball and pop-up powerbomb later and Owens wins.
• Ambrose is talking ish to Owens and says “he doesn’t look like he knows about getting a title shot” Ambrose also said “no one ever ended a fight with me.”
• Owens goes to apron powerbomb Neville but Ambrose runs at him and brings the fight to KO.
• Owens gains advantage and tries to set the table up so he can put Ambrose through it. Ambrose is able to reverse and goes onto the guardrail. Ambrose does an elbow drop on Owens through the table.
• Dean holds his title high while the crowd chants “Ambrose”

And I’m Like… That match was outrageous. I felt like it was a highlight reel. There were parts were we as viewers were allowed to breath but we couldn’t take deep breaths. It was fast paced and in your face. The end too, very quick and to the point. After the match ended I realized I liked it, as it was happening it was hard to breakdown.

Vince showed up in a limo. Said some stuff about him being referee.

Stardust vs. Titus O’Neil

• I heard Stardust today!
• After spending the week watching documentaries about wrestlers from the 70’s and 80’s, I realized that Dusty was called “Stardust” a lot. It is really enjoyable to see his son take that moniker and make it his own. Family traditions are a nice thing to witness.
• Speaking of nice to witness.. Stardust tho. This is a battle of the backroom. They had segments for weeks last year in Stardust’s room.
• Stardust screams “get him back, I am Stardust”, Stardust works this character too well. The faint “Cody” chants causes Stardust to grab at his head in frustration but only for a second. The crawling around the ring, the slow movements interspersed with frantic pacing. The facial expressions, laughter, and so much more. Watching this man work is so much fun.
• JBL makes fun of Byron for doing a “I Love Lucy” reference.. Dude.. JBL.. The internet is around, those references don’t date someone, they bring us closer to our ancestors of last century. I watch Johnny Carson on Antenna TV nightly, same with Golden Girls, Lucy, and The Monkees. Good TV is good TV, references shouldn’t be relevant to today’s pop culture but pop culture in general. I have always wanted a And Slowly I Turned reference to a face or heel change.
• Titus wins with Clash of the Titus

And I’m Like… I couldn’t tell you much about the match because of how infatuated I am with Stardust. He is legit on another level right now. I don’t care if he wins or loses, or even has a “good match” I just want to see this character perform. He is almost limitless because he is such a vague character that his feuds make sense with everyone. He will have the Ascension with him, and then not. He will be talking for weeks in a dark room, then wrestle. There is little rhyme or reason to the man, outside of his own rhyme and reason. He is so much fun.

Becky is confronted by Charlotte because of their match tonight. Charlotte is upset she has to wrestle Becky, cause she already beat her. Becky said all she can think about is how great that last match between them was. She is naive enough to trust Charlotte still and be a bubbly/care-free wrestler.

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte

• Becky is Alex… Charlotte is General Georgie I thought of this because Becky has orange hair and clocks on her tron video .
• Flair comes out dancing to Charlotte’s music and trying to clap to the beat but… he has no rhythm. Because either old, or white. That could be why his entrance had no bass or drums.
• Becky and Charlotte collar and elbow twice, Charlotte taunts after both times. You know how during Wrestlemania 10 when Owen was turning heel on the slow burn. Sure he ‘kicked Bret’s leg out of his leg’ but most of it was justified. One of the things that helped Owen turn heel was the WM10 match where he would do these little subliminal heelish moves to prep us for the future. Charlotte is doing that now. She is doing the taunting after moves, the smiling after cheap wins, the not helping friends in need because selfish, and the demeaning and blunt way she deals with her only friend Becky.
• Lynch lets her guard down when she had the advantage by helping Charlotte to her feet. Charlotte is vicious with her offense, looking like everything she does has a little bit of anger behind it.
• If Ric never moved to North Carolina, would Charlottes name be Minneapolis? Edina?
• You can also tell Charlotte is prepping us to boo her with JBL siding with her in-ring decisions.
• Becky scared Charlotte with a sleeper hold and a Figure Eight reversal for a roll-up.
• Becky lights Charlotte up and hits some running clotheslines to the delight of what sounds like the girls in the crowd.
• “Becky” from the crowd slowly is getting louder, with matches like this, Lynch may build a strong fanbase.
• Ric Flair grabbed Becky’s leg and Charlotte tried to take advantage of the situation but Ms. Clockwork Orange used the tights to pin Charlotte.
• Charlotte is mad bout it. Hits Becky with spear. It is validated though, Charlotte may not have seen Ric’s leg grab, but she definitely felt her tights get pulled.
• Charlotte beat up Becky, taunted to the crowd, and pantomimed kicking dirt on a fallen Becky.

And I’m Like… Let’s Go BECKY!!! This was great. The match was good, but there are clear battle lines drawn. Charlotte is gonna be champ all the way to Mania. We are building for our own Diva edition of Starrcade 85. This “revolution” will take a while, now that the feeling out process is done, and the WWE version of the “revolution storyline” is done, we can hopefully give these girls fleshed out characters with motivations. Two people are fighting in the ring, but it has to be for something. This is by far the best story to tell for this time of year. That leaves Mania 32 wide open for THE BOSS.

Vince is in the back to talking to some guy about “not screwing up”. Sheamus shows up and the guy scurries off. Vince says we are making history tonight, but told Sheamus all the rules and not to break them. He then said Sheamus might have the luck of the Irish.

Ryback vs. Big Show

And I’m Like… Sorry if your interested in this, but THIS WAS ALL SUMMER last year minus the Miz..I fast forwarded it x5 and GUESS WHAT!! They Wyatts were sick of it too and choked out Ryback. Then The Wyatts all came in the ring to attack Show. Big Show disposed of them easy enough until Strowman and Show had a staredown… Wyatts took control. The Wyatts also do a new? taunt of an upside down 4.. Like reverse Four Horsemen.

The League Of Nations Rusev and Del Rio vs. The Uso’s

• The only thing I like about the Uso’s at the moment is their call and response taunt because my daughter’s name is Lucy and when I say Loose you say E. Luc-E. get it?
• There are two teams fighting… There isn’t a reason other than they are in a match.
• I have been watching this match for 3 to 4 minutes and haven’t thought of anything to write. This means my interest is waning. Luckily for me, my cat is sneezing, so there is something to look at.
• Rusev woke me up a bit by running up to the top rope where Jey Uso was and belly-to-belly’d the Uso onto the mat. Sweet.
• Del Rio is punching an Uso like he was Ox Baker starting a riot
• I do give props to the Uso’s for encorporated the hip attack and having their thumbs taped because Umaga.
• Del Rio took the nearestfall. He went for that double stomp and missed completely. Uso hit a superkick and Uso splash and Rusev thankfully broke it up.
• One of the Uso’s missed a dive, the other didn’t. JBL said they are interchangeable.
• Uso was in the middle of the ropes towards the middle of the ring and Del Rio hit his stompy stomp.

And I’m Like… That wasn’t anything bad. I just didn’t enjoy it and dozed off a bit…. so.. maybe next time?

Dolph Ziggler vs. Heath Slater

• Ziggler’s music hits and I am happy he is out now, while I’m still bored and tired. He won’t help much but I’m too tired to care. Ziggler.. oof.
• Heath comes out here with Adam Rose, Curtis Axel, and Bo Dallas?!?!?
• This is the new j.o.b. squad ain’t it? I would like either explanation and storylines about them, or NO EXPLANATION at all! These guys just come out together and lose, without helping or cheating. Just use each other for TV time. Anything Slater has been apart of has been great though.
• This match is drawing cricket noises from the crowd. The guys at ringside are just watching the match and not involving the crowd. They need to learn some shit from Xavier Woods.
• Heath is going hold for hold and step by step with Ziggler, Rose, Dallas and Axel have not cheated yet either.
• Slater rolled up Dolph for a win.

And I’m Like… The interference was minimal, just standing on the apron and yelling. It was enough though. Slater grabbed a microphone says “looks like I found some friends” Adam Rose says “they are four flowers” Axel says “THE CHAINS ARE OFF MAN!! THE CHAINS ARE OFF MAN!!” Bo Dallas says “a man isn’t measured by how many times he gets knocked down, it’s by how many times he gets back up” Slater says “Trending worldwide Social Outcasts” Which I think is their name. Slater dropped the mic and Bo stared at it, as the Outcasts walked away Bo picked the mic up and said “Bo-Lieve”

We got from one team to another team The New Day. Who HOLY SHIT !! They have a GONG! Do they know about the Unknown Comedian or Gong Show ?

Roman is talking to Vince in the back and McMahon shows up to give him pre-fight instructions. Roman couldn’t look at Vince or in his eyes the whole segment and when Vince walks away Roman looks up at him… Millennial amirite?

The New Day Promo

• They point out their new video and banner.
• Big E says “it’s lit baby”
• Now New Day is trying to do the Mike Tyson hoverboard thing. Don’t forget the trombone is named Francesca.
• Big E even did a My Neck, My Back joke.
• New Day was doing some sort of countdown but Jericho came out. To not much of a pop either…?
• Jericho’s shirt is too tight or small and it’s like a mature belly shirt… or immature v-neck.. His fashion sense y’all.
• Jericho said that he is “more entertaining than the rest of Raw” he said WWE Network, ratings, and live attendance need a shot in the arm. WTF? WWE and the WWE Roster got dirt on them from getting buried.
• Jericho starts a “rootie tootie booty” chant.. I think it would make Kofi more mad if he knew Rootie Tootie was a country song . I bet Jericho got it from Little Richard though.
• Is it  racist for Jericho to call New Day, “trap queens”? I don’t think so because Taylor Swift

New Day vs. Dudleys and Kalisto

• Xavier starts off against Kalisto… Xavier is like the Buddy Roberts of The New Day.
• “Rootie Tootie Booty” chants, which shouldn’t upset New Day because they made Booty a thing. Rootie Tootie Booty is singular too, New Day is three people so that chant isn’t directed against them really is it? EMBRACE IT NEW DAY!
• Kalisto is a flippy flier. Neville proved his worth tonight too. Let’s do a best of 7 with those two.
• I would love to have a conversation with Xavier Woods. That man seems so intelligent and has his finger on the pop culture side of wrestling. I would love to pick his brain.
• Kalisto and Bubba Ray are doing some innovative moves that showcases Kalisto’s talents.
• New Day is doing their unicorn stampede and their signature moves. It’s kinda your basic match.
• Watching the Dudleys these past few months make me realize, it doesn’t matter how much I like the performer, if they are in there with The Dudleyz I am not interested.
• The Dudleyz vs. Uso’s would be my cure for insomnia.
• Bubba Ray went for a bionic elbow on Big E and air humped at him while  yelling “Booty, Booty, Booty”
• It’s hard to keep track of this because once the match breaks down, everyone does everything and the camera’s try and keep up.
• Bubba legit chases Xavier to the back… STUPID!!

And I’m Like… New Day walks away with the victory, and I’m thanking my stars they got to talk, cause that match… It was pleasant, but wasn’t anything special, or rewatchable.

Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus

Mr. McMahon is the Special Referee

• McMahon comes out and is still ripped as hell. He reminds me of this 90 year old I met at my restaurant. He was so stoked to have a six pack for the first time in his life. FUCKIN 90!!!
• Vince’s steroid veins are bigger than my damn arm. He should have tanned though… His face and arms are different colors.
• Roman Reigns and Vince fight over the title because Roman is being a douche before the match even starts. Sometimes being the bigger man isn’t that bad Roman.
• Sheamus is attacking quick. Went for a pin super early but Vince didn’t count fast, he has the same cadence.
• “Let’s Go Roman” chants were faint until Sheamus acknowledged them.
• Reigns and Sheamus are having a fast match. Not missing a beat or wasting anytime.
• Sheamus tells Vince to go look over by the timekeeper. Vince follows orders and Sheamus used stairs behind Vince’s back.
• Roman got suplexed onto the table that already broke tonight. HOW DID THEY REBUILD IT? One of my favorite things was at the end of a crazy wrestling night, the announcers are sitting in their chairs by a broken table… Why can’t these commentators do that?
• As I am watching this, I am not too worried on who will be the winner. I don’t even care what happens. I am pretty sure Roman will overcome because he is a man .
• Roman is hitting all of his moves of doom. We have a slow count because OF COURSE!
• If Roman knocks Vince out and uses his hand to count, we have seen it. If Roman beats Sheamus so bad Reigns wins, we have seen it. There is a screwy finish WE HAVE SEEN IT!!!
• Vince stops the count because he needs eye drops.
• McMahon went for a quick count but Roman kicked out. Vince isn’t counting for Roman’s pins. Roman is getting mad. He punches Vince….
• Roman goes for the pin but is confused no one is there to count… DON’T KNOCK OUT THE REFEREE if you want someone to count the fall.
• Now Reigns is pulling the table apart. That is until he sees McMahon getting up from that punch.
• Vince (the employer) is cowering in fear from the employee. Roman says “what did I tell you?” He is such a Noodle Boy.
• Roman purposely shoved Vince into the ropes to knock Steph over the top rope. Now he is threatening her??
• Sheamus saved Steph and Brogue kicked Roman twice. Sheamus went for the pin but Vince was “injured?”. So he couldn’t count the three? He was walking away though so it’s not like he was unaware of what was happening. Scott Armstrong came out and Roman still kicked out as Armstrong counted. Another referee comes out and counts the three for Roman after he superman punched Sheamus.
• Vince grabs the microphone and says Roman will defend his title IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE…

And I’m Like… Tell me if you’ve heard this before , if Ambrose can do it, so can Roman. Rumble will be interesting, maybe. If Roman makes it to the end and wins people will bitch because predictability. If Roman is thrown out early it will be a crazy ending. I am intrigued, nay I say excited for The Rumble.. Sorry X-Files, you’ll be DVR’d

That was an eventful Raw. Only a few spots that were slow and boring. I am most upset New Day did not bring their gong out. I also did not realize Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo in The Rundown with The Rock.. That was on after Raw so I just noticed.

I hope you all have a good day. Enjoy your week also.

-Jake