‘Ello everyone, I hope your days are going alright. My caretaker has the parkinglot getting repaved by a bunch of amateurs and they are currently leaf blowing dirt all over our patio. What greater time to enjoy my favorite form of escapism than right now?
Show starts with a Kane/Seth Rollins video package and the opening credits.
John Cena Promo
- Cena says the fans seem salty tonight but “Have no fear, The champ is here” Hot bars Cena. Hot bars.
- U.S. Open challenge is back!!!
- The anticipation of who is gonna come out is sweet. I was so interested in just the Raw graphic on the titantron
- New Day comes out playing Cena’s music on the trombone and saying “John Cena your title reign is booty! and clap for your soon to be U.S. champs and get beat like it’s your duty!” Damn Big E!!!! Taken Cena to the lyrical woodshed
- The Big E gyrating hip dance is now shared with Xavier Woods.
- They put over their match with the Dudleys, give John Cena a new slogan “Hustle, Loyalty, and Booty” cause he is booty. Kofi says we are on the verge of having “New Day as your Tag Team Champs, New Day as your United States champs, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!” Big E asks “at the same damn time?” Kofi and Xavier say U.S. Champs Tag Champs AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!” Then they say they should be Team Scrooge McDuck because they are swimming in gold. Xavier is sure to point the reference is from Duck Tails to keep with his original I love the 90’s gimmick. Then to the tune of John Cena’s music they say “New U.S. chaaaaamps” They legit kill it at every point in this promo. The best right now the best.
- Cena says you better be serious or I’ll beat all your asses, choose one and face me.
- Xavier says Cena is about to get “Lost in the Woods”
United States Title Match- John Cena (c) vs. Xavier Woods
- This is a big moment for Xavier Woods. This match should be fun.
- Cena cranks out the clothesline on Woods who screams while he goes to the outside “I Wasn’t Ready!”
- I want a Let’s Go Cena/New DayRocks chant. The ref throws Kofi and Big E out.
- Perfectly timed commercial break as the New Day leaves and we are left with Cena vs. Woods on his lonesome.
- We come back mid 5 moves of doom for Cena, Woods gets a kick reversal in and gets a near fall
- Cole keeps pointing out how Cena says there is a time to be serious and a time to have fun, it gives the New Day a credible way of staying viable as threats. They can always say they weren’t serious enough and took it too lightly.
- Woods hits some big moves and we skipped the first and middle part of the matches story and are right in the third part. Cena keeps going for Attitude Adjustments, making Xavier seem like a legit threat.
- Xavier hits semi-signature moves that are unique to Woods as a wrestler. Near falls are happening too,
- Woods keeps reversing the Attitude Adjustment and hits more fast high impact offense. Eat Defeat .
- Xavier jumps from the top rope and lands directly on his back.. Ouch…
- Cena puts Woods in a STF-U and New Day comes out for the save, the Dudleyz come out to save Cena.
- New Day grab Devon and Cena and Booty Ray go outside the ring to save him so New Day goes into the ring and commercial.. Smart move.
John Cena vs. Xavier Woods
Dudley Boyz and John Cena vs. New Day
- Kane made this match during commercial.
- How often have we seen the New Day wrestling as a trio? Usually Xavier is on the outside tromboning the audience
- Cole brings up the New Day’s Public Service Announcement . Allow them to reintroduce themselves.
- The little kids are really into the match, the chants of just CENA,CENA,CENA.. Since they are kids they don’t know chant cadence yet.
- Cena is taking the brunt of the offense here, building to a Dudley hot tag, which will lead to a 3D right?
- Devon gets tagged in and the crowd does not really respond at all, they just want tables.
- I think the Road Warriors are better than the Dudleyz. The Dudleyz are one trick ponies in the use of tables. Sure people pop for their Wazzzup! and 3D, but no one reacts to them in an actual match.
- Yep the Whhasssss Uuupp! move hits and gets a bit of noise, the 3D gets a bit more noise.
- Xavier grabs Booty Ray’s leg and Kofi puts Trouble in Devons Paradise and NEW DAY WINS!!!
And I’m Like…. That was great! That was 35 minutes of story progression, entertaining promos, and good wrestling. If that was a sitcom it would be done and accomplished all it needed too. Bravo to all involved. Mainly the New Day though, they are geese laying golden eggs on the regular.
Backstage the Authority introduce us to a new character. Ashley from HR. Kane says he has never met Ashley from Human Resources before… He is COO and hasn’t met HR? WWE has an HR? This is stupid….
We also see Reigns gearing up to face Bray Wyatt, Ambrose is asking to help him out and be at ringside for his Brudda! Ambrose is like dude I know your still mad about that Money in the Bank match. He starts talking ish about Randy Orton and Orton shows up, and yeah. We know tonight is not the end of this feud.
Mark Henry vs. Big Show
- LOL WHHAAAT!?!?! For real with this? Stop it WWE, these two should be special not a throw away match to get Big Show tough points before losing to Brock Lesnar on Saturday.
- Mark Henry couldn’t even bodyslam the Big Show.
- Big Show speared and bodyslammed Henry then told a fan he was gonna “slap him in his damn face”
- Show just hits bodyslams like this is 1983. The move works though, and Mark is yelling crazy loud to really sell it.
- I am not sure if this makes Show look super strong or Mark Henry depressingly weak.
- After Big Show channels his inner Big Zeke he hits Mark Henry with a KTFO Punch!
And I’m Like… That felt really old school, I kinda liked it, at the same time it feels like it sucked all the energy out of the crowd..
We see an advertisement of Miz TV with Charlotte and Becky next, that won’t help the crowd from being restless.
Miz TV with Charlotte and Becky Lynch
- Miz TV should have a ticker on the bottom telling us what superstars are saying or storyline updates, that would make it seem a bit different
- They show Paige getting all mean on the mic last week. She says Nattie with out the T’s. Naa-E. It’s like you know how in the South people talk by taking the ou out of words. The UK must not use any T’s.
- Miz sings Hello Drama my old friend . Then brings out the C and B in PCB
- I cringe whenever they touch a mic. Like one of my regulars, everytime he comes in and we have other customers it’s so scary. Scary as in like “I am afraid of this embarrassed feeling I will get when they open their mouth.”
- Paige gets called out by Becky and Charlotte, but Miz says don’t invite people on his show, so Becky throws Miz’ microphone out the ring.
- Bella’s come out and they remind me of some Anime group. Like I shouldn’t say Anime because I only watch One Piece but they remind me of a gang of pirates from One Piece.
- Charlotte needs a manager to talk for her, she is trying so hard, but she does not have the social ability to talk normal..
- The crowd is reacting to this segment though.. They are making noise when they are supposed to, that’s good!
- The girls start brawling, and the chairs and microphones are still in the ring and I get a bit nervous whenever that happens. It seems unnecessarily dangerous to fall on. PCB unites and beats up the Bella team.
Team PCB vs. Team Bella
- I can’t be mad at this, the girls are getting the same 30 or so minutes that the guys got. Their promo, although not as entertaining as the New Day’s still got the story across and built drama to the match we are witnessing now.
- We also hear JBL saying that if you watch Total Diva’s tomorrow night you’ll understand why none of the Diva’s get along.
- Brie tries to do Yes! kicks to Becky to no response from the crowd. We hear a smattering of No! chants and it draws a smirk on Brie’s face.
- The girls are trading wrestling moves and reversals, the crowd is quiet though.
- Why is Team B.A.D. rarely featured now? They are regulated to 3rd hour non storyline matches. At least we have Sasha Banks vs. Bayley in an Ironwoman match at Takeover in two weeks.
- Paige left her team, Na-E came out to help, Paige beat her up, Nikki pinned Charlotte,
And I’m Like… meh, everything was timed out about the same as the first part of the show, it just didn’t strike the right entertainment nerve. Alot of the girls stuff feels like its acting. New Day and Cena play it off where it feels like characters, Diva’s feel like people playing characters.
We are brought back to Raw with a Brock/Big Show video package. JBL used the “they once broke the ring” line when talking about Big Show and Mark Henry AND Big Show and Brock Lesnar.
The video package is pretty damn good though, If you forgot everything you knew about wrestling and only based your excitement off of this video package. This would be so so so sweet. WE know that Show has lost so much though, we see Brock as a special attraction and not Show. This is the Brock Lesnar tour, Big Show will not win. It feels very old school though, like a Terry Gordy and Andre The Giant .
Seth Rollins is talking to Ashley from HR and Kane shows up and presents Seth Rollins severed statue head to Seth. Ashley thought it was nice, Rollins knew he was crazy. This is like mating the Warrior vs. Hogan in WCW with the Abyss storyline .
Prime Time Players vs. Wyatt Family
- This is just a match, no history behind it, so let’s say it’s to get higher in the tag team ranks. Let’s say that The Wyatt’s are the 3rd rank and Prime Time are the 2nd rank. That put’s Dudley’z at number one contender the the champion New Day. So if the Wyatt’s win they are only two matches away from title contention.
- Now that I care about what’s going on. Strowman is dominating Darren Young and tagging Harper who is doing the same.
- The crowd really doesn’t get behind the good guys when they are getting beat up all night. This feels like a crowd that is either very shy or just wanting to see the shit they know and only what they know. The reactions are all spot on when they need to hit their cues (taunts, catchphrases, entrances) During the matches though, they are dead as hell.
- Strowman is still looking unstoppable and hard to figure out. He put Titus in that choke/hug thing. The crowd is way quiet…
And I’m Like.. looks like the Wyatt’s are really making waves in the tag ranks! We’ll see what happens next week when nothing that happened this week matters.
Stardust vs. Neville
- This match happens alot. It’s like they are the only superhero and super villain in the WWE. It’s our generations Mortis vs. Glacier when there was only two Mortal Kombat characters in WCW.
- JBL says Stardust is like Prince cause no one calls Prince by his government name so why should we call Stardust by his given name?
- Even though these two have been fighting on every highway and byway, they are still pretty innovative.
- King Barrett came out!! He legit hit Neville at the exact BOOOM in his song. THAT WAS AMAZING!!! Absolutely amazing!! He hit Stardust with it too!
And I’m Like.. Nothing before the coolest Bull Hammer I’ve ever seen matters. I used to watch wrestling or cartoons to different types of music hoping they would sync up. Barret, Stardust, and Neville did it, and it was sweet.
Arby’s voiceover guy sounds like Big E’s dad.
Kane and his day at HR. I really don’t want to review this or watch it, it won’t really matter. The storyline is Seth and us are the only ones that know that Kane is doing this on purpose. This whole Authority storyline is to get us to side with Seth Rollins slowly, so when he turns face we are all ready. The best faces are the heels that get cheered, he wrestles like a face, he just needs us to want to cheer him. I’m not sure if this will do it, but it might.
Seth Rollins was mad that Kane was found of sound mind so he destroyed Corporate Kane. Chair to the back and leg and everything. By everything I mean Pillmanized . Seth Rollins is a complete dick to Kane, Corporate Kane was extremely nice, did not deserve that, maybe we are supposed to boo Seth. I don’t know.
Kane got put in an ambulance and instantly came out as the demon Kane… yeah….
And I’m Like… This isn’t
Halloween 2
and I can’t believe I said I wouldn’t review or watch it, it’s been twenty minutes. Demon Kane was limping but stomped his leg on the ground and his injury went away. This is such a stretch, I haven’t spoken to any little kids lately so I don’t know how they feel about it. Kane is no selling stuff though so Demon Kane is like Demon
Finn Balor
.
Bo Dallas vs. Randy Orton
- Bo comes out and talks about the hometown crowds team the Buffalo Bills, he brings up that they haven’t won a Super Bowl trophy.. Same with us Vikings in Minnesota.
- This seems like a match that exists to see an RKO.
- Randy is feuding with Bray who is feuding with Dean and Roman, Now Orton is going up against Bo Dallas the little brother of Bray. We know that Randy has a history with a rivals family .
- Orton hit an RKO to win by the way.
And I’m Like… If i was on the Buffalo Bills I would have enjoyed that.. Anyone else just enjoyed the RKO. yep.
And another thing, Donny Deutsch will you stop it!! YOU CONSTANTLY HIT ON a married woman. You are so full of yourself and just a douche. Maybe manage Dolph Ziggler and have a place in this world.
Kevin Owens vs. Rusev
- Ryback is on commentary, he tells us to put a muzzle on Summer Rae and says Owens should go mountain climbing to work on his cardio.
- Rusev and Owens brawl into Ryback. The match is called, Rusev and Owens double team Ryback and The Ryback is in a triple threat feud again. Wait no WWE’s Donny Deutsch comes out to save The Ryback. Yes that means The Ryback is Joe Scarborough.
And I’m Like… You can’t get me to hate on Ziggler and Ryback more than to have then be the reason Rusev and Owens only fought for a few minutes. pssh. Just Keep Dancing.
A preview for Breaking Ground.. Holy Shit, I am not ready for this show. This is like the most emotional. Regal says “This is not a job it’s a lifestyle” Remember that everyone, if you want to get involved in wrestling, know that it is a lifestyle.
Paul Heyman Promo
- Heyman is out to pitch us Saturday night in Madison Square Garden. Heyman is the most best salesperson WWE has ever had.
- Heyman puts over the fact that Big Show is the way he is because he is not inspired or motivated, he can not be pushed to his limits, unless it’s against Brock Lesnar.
- He calls him the “Larger than Larger than life superstars”
- They can’t really sell this match…
- I’m sorry but we know Brock is a Beast and THE BEAST, this is building Brock up for the Hell in the Cell,
And I’m Like… They were told to sell a match that we all know the ending to. This must have been how people felt when Bruno Sammartino would go up against anyone. Bruno was champion for 8 years and then again for 5. How would anyone think Bruno would lose like four years into his first reign? They wouldn’t.
Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt
- Bray said it would be one on one, he came out with the Wyatt Family. Roman called him a “little bitch” and Bray Mr. Mind Games gives in to the insult and sends the Wyatt’s to the back.
- This match is slow and rest holdy. The crowd does not clap to get Roman back into it because they legit do not have a cheer leader. The other matches that were legit matches were the two six person tag matches. They both had people on the outside to hit the turnbuckle or stomp the stairs to give us a cue. They don’t have that luxury in this singles match and the crowd really needs it.
- For real though, where is Sasha and Naomi and Tamina? I am kinda sad that Sasha didn’t even make an appearance.
- Roman was going through his Five Moves of Doom and was getting boo’d.
- There was a near fall and no one went TWOOOO or OOOOHHHH at the kick out, that is bad news.
- Both guys are knocked down. The crowd is dead, what does the ref do? STAND THERE, take notes from NXT ref, COUNT TO TEN when two guys are on the mat… Crowd loves counting and keeps them invested for a small amount of time while guys climb.
- Once the signature moves hit the crowd wakes up.
- I do not like seeing them brawl to the outside and the kids in the crowd just holding their phones and not even reacting or cheering. YOU PAID TO GO THERE LIVE!!! It is on TV!! Why record it on your phone? It doesn’t make sense to me, maybe I a old.
- They get counted out but keep brawling, that means this feud is not over. There was a guy in the crowd yelling “Punch him in the face” which was always my favorite thing drunk guys yelled when I Dj’d for my brother who promoted profession boxing.
- Wyatt crossbodied Reigns threw the barricade. The crowd do a “This Is Awesome” chant. That’s good, the crowd will go home happy. I am at home and semi entertained.
- Wyatt set the stairs up so he could climb onto the announce table. He does a pose to the crowd and Reigns runs up the stairs and spears Wyatt threw a table. We end with the crowd trying to YES!
And I’m Like.. That happened, what was funny is Raw ended with no sound except the crowd noise, then USA cuts right to Friday! “I’m gonna get you high, cause it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, ain’t got no money, and you ain’t got shit to do.
So its late, I gotta open early tomorrow, and my loving pregnant wife is patiently waiting to go to bed. I’m heading to bed, y’all have a good one.
-Jake
