Don't click the back button or check your calendar for any irregularities. You read that right—tonight is a LIVE TNA Pay-Per-View. Tonight's show will be broadcast from the now-iconic Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida. I say iconic because—well, I guess regardless of how anybody might feel about the current TNA product, they're a thirteen year old company. And for nearly a decade, the Universal Studios soundstage has been their home. I'm very much looking forward to tonight's show, but I wonder if I'd feel the same way had Jeff Jarrett not appeared on Impact this past Wednesday? That was a hell of a "go home" show, but now the pressure is on to deliver when the price tag is at it's highest. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I don't make predictions, I make EDUCATED GUESSES based on the current state of the wrestling industry. Who's walking tall and who's leaving with their head hung in defeat? Let's check out the card and figure it out together.
Jessie Godderz vs. Robbie E
What will happen when the "Bromans Collide?" Well—they aren't the Mega Powers, so calm the fuck down. That being said, the Bromans have been a rather tightly knit threesome for the better part of the last two years. All that came to an end however when the most vascular member of this "Guild of Guidos" decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH—and it's time for a change. Jessie Godderz is a beast of a man when it comes to raw power and the sort of physique that "2005 Vince McMahon" would kill to sign. He's the kind of individual that would have been featured in Smackdown versus Raw 2006 if he came around a little earlier. You know what I'm talking about—Mark Jindrak? Really? Over the past few weeks, Jessie has made life a living hell for DJ Zema Ion—a phenomenal junior heavyweight performer that never has a chance when he's blindsided from behind by a man nearly twice his size. Robbie E took matters into his own hands, coming to the aid of Zema, and letting Jessie know that if he wants a fight, it had better be with someone his size. I think this will more likely than not be our opening contest, but that doesn't mean it's a skippable bout. When all is said and done, my money is on my fellow New Jersey native Robbie E to shut Jessie up and bring balance to the Jersey Shore. Woo Woo Woo! You know it!
Educated Guess: Robbie E
3-on-2 Handicap Match
The Dollhouse vs. Awesome Kong and Brooke
People have been raving about the TNA Knockouts division for the past decade, and with good reason! While TNA is most certainly interested in the same "Eye Candy" as the WWE, it didn't take them nearly as long to realize that most fans want to see women wrestling and not stripping. Most fans—MOST FANS. When you see someone like Awesome Kong or Jessica Havok or even Gail Kim, your first thought isn't: "I wonder how she'd look in a Bra and Panties Match," rather it's "I wonder if this chick can GO?" The Knockouts Title will not be on the line tonight, as most championship matches—sans the inaugural King of the Mountain title—were scrapped due to the erratic taping schedule. Instead we'll get a fun handicap match wherein the Knockouts Champion Taryn Terrell will lead her "Dollhouse" into battle against the brazen abilities of Brooke and the unequalled power of Awesome Kong. Being that I don't make predictions, rather educated guesses, I've got to go with Awesome Kong and Brooke. The Dollhouse has been dominant, aside from a few instances involving outside interference. This week's episode of Impact featured a backstage segment with Taryn talking to Jade and Marti Bell about their past indiscretions, and warning them about what will happen should they fail her again. I think Slammiversary will be similar to Wrestlemania, in that the majority of babyfaces will finally get their comeuppance against their villainous adversaries. This is also the last TNA ppv on the books for the foreseeable future, and could potentially be their last pay per view EVER. With that in mind, I think it would be foolish to have someone beat Awesome Kong. And Brooke, I guess.
Educated Guess: Awesome Kong and Brooke
Non-Sanctioned Match
Magnus vs. James Storm
Okay I suppose I can't ignore this match anymore, can I? For the past three week's I've outright REFUSED to talk about this program during my reviews, and I think my decision was more than warranted. TNA has been getting a ton of grief as of late, particularly regarding their business practices, but also in relation to the creative direction of the company. When Billy Corgan was hired by Dixie Carter, he said that he wanted to start producing more realistic storylines, rooted in today's society. He mentioned gay and transgender issues—okay, I can dig it. He mentioned national politics—yeah, that sounds cool. Make EC3 a Donald Trump supporter. I love it! What he did not mention however, was his desire to murder people on camera. And I have to assume that was a Corgan idea. A few weeks ago, James Storm pushed Mickey James off of a train platform and down onto the tracks. It was later revealed that she was okay—obviously. But what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? This whole storyline makes me sick, and it seems like everything that is wrong with TNA rolled up into one program. It's too personal without any professional stakes on the line; why are they wrestling instead of having a street fight on their own time? If James Storm tried to murder Magnus's wife, and is all-but stalking his infant son, I can't imagine why Magnus would say: "Oh, let's do it in the ring." If the stipulation was that the loser leaves TNA, then I could see the need for a six-sided ring. If the match was for a title, then yes—the IMPACT ZONE would be a prime location. But this is a personal fight about some [Kayfabe] serious shit. I don't get it, and I don't care. This will be the match in which I walk around the block smoking a joint.
Educated Guess: Magnus
Winner Picks the Next Stipulation in the Best of 5 Series
Austin Aries (w/ Bobby Roode) vs. Davey Richards (w/ Eddie Edwards)
I wholeheartedly believe that Austin Aries versus Davey Richards will be the match of the night. I can't be alone on that, right? These are two former Ring of Honor world champions that have more than proved their worth in tag team competition, both in TNA and elsewhere. Aries and his longtime friend Bobby Roode have been embedded in the midst of a heated Best of Five with the American Wolves, to decide who the Undisputed Tag Team Champions truly are. "The Dirty Heels" managed to tie things up at 2-2 this past Wednesday night after a Full Metal Mayhem match, and the winner of tonight's singles contest will be allowed to pick the next stipulation in the series. Should the next tag match end in a draw, this competition will continue—but the chances of that happening are slim. That means the winner of this singles match tonight will be at a great advantage when he chooses what could be the final match in the Best of Five Series. I'm going to go with Austin Aries, for a few reasons; the Dirty Heels live the gimmick, and although they're beloved by the fans, they're most definitely the villains in this situation. The Dirty Heels won the last match, and if Aries wins this match, it would seem that hope is all but lost for the babyface �Wolves. That is how the magic is made people! Regardless of who wins, I am looking forward to this match more than any other on the card.
Educated Guess: Austin Aries
Bram vs. Matt Morgan
Here's my attitude toward Bram: He is a decent hand inside the ring, and has an intense grasp on what it takes to be a "Sports Entertainer." I mean, he is the son-in-law of the 16-time World Champion "Nature Boy." My point is—I like Bram, a lot. I think he's got a ton of potential, but just like anyone else in the business, he can only go as far as Creative is willing to take him. The idea that cream will always rise to the top is a nice sentiment, but I'm not sure how realistic it is. Bram is a lot like Taz or Terry Taylor; his success will depend greatly on how he is booked, and who he works with. I'll tell you right now, I didn't give a shit about Bram versus Magnus �cause I think Magnus is pretty god damn terrible. Magnus isn't just a bad wrestler, he's boring as shit, and that directly impacts the people he's working with. Why wasn't Eric Young's title reign more memorable? Because he beat Magnus and not Kurt Angle. Not Bobby Lashley, not Bobby Roode, not Jeff Jarrett—MAGNUS! But we aren't talking about Magnus, we're talking about Bram; I've really enjoyed his "Legend Killer" gimmick in recent weeks; it's similar to Randy Orton back in 2005/2006, but specifically centers around TNA performers. He's wrestled the enormous Crimson, he's battled Big Van Vader, but tonight will be his greatest challenge. Tonight Bram will go head-to-head with former Ring Ka King World Heavyweight Champion Matt Morgan—and I think he's going to win.
Educated Guess: Bram
Tag Team Match
Ethan Carter III and Tyrus vs. Mr. Anderson and Bobby Lashley
This is a spoiler-free zone, so I can't get too in depth with what I see coming for certain people such as Ethan Carter, or even Bobby Lashley. I think this will be a fun match, despite the overall disappointment that we won't be seeing Kurt Angle defend against Ethan Carter. But that'll be next week on Destination America. Mr. Anderson and Bobby Lashley are two professional wrestlers that I dare say have found greater success in TNA than in WWE. Can anybody argue with that? Yes—Bobby Lashley basically headlined Wrestlemania and worked an extended program with the chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon. And Mr. KENNEDY was indeed a Money in the Bank winner who feuded with the Undertaker. But neither man ever held world championship gold until they set foot in TNA. Anderson has been at odds with EC3 announced his "candidacy" for TNA Champion earlier this year, and Bobby Lashley entered the fray when he worked EC3 on behalf of Kurt Angle two weeks ago. I believe Ethan Carter and Tyrus will win the match, giving EC3 a modicum of momentum as he prepares for what will be the biggest match of his career.
Educated Guess: Ethan Carter III and Tyrus
King of the Mountain Match for the Inaugural King of the Mountain Title
Jeff Jarrett vs. Matt Hardy vs. Eric Young vs. Drew Galloway vs. Bobby Roode
When they announced the King of the Mountain Match, nobody was happy. Not me, not you, not Jeff Jarrett, not nobody—NOT NO HOW! Not nobody? The King of the Mountain was recently featured on my countdown of
CONFUSING CONTESTS
. I believe I began the segment by saying: "This match is literally worse than dog shit," referring to the fact that I found it dumber than the "Kennel from Hell." But think about the term "King of the Mountain" for a second—that's Jeff Jarrett. So when "J-E-Double F—HA HA! J-A-Double R—HA HA! E-Doublt T showed up on Impact, it made this concept damn nearly exciting! Nobody knew that the owner and founder of Global Force Wrestling would be on Impact this week, and they sure as shit didn't expect his wife to start balling her eyes out about how hard her husband works, and how she loathes TNA. I don't recommend TNA Impact a lot; I really loved the first couple of shows this year, and got a kick out of some of the overseas work they did, but other than that, it's been the same old boring Impact. But if you haven't seen the Jeff and Karen Jarrett promo, do yourself a favor and check it out on DailyMotion by clicking
HERE
. This is a tough match to predict—ER, I mean… make an EDUCATED GUESS for. On the one hand you have to assume Jeff didn't return just so he could lose, but how would handing a brand new title to an outsider work for the betterment of TNA and its roster? Maybe Jeff wins the title and holds onto it as an honorary championship from the company that he helped build? Maybe it's not a defendable belt, but a special honor like the King of the Ring? If it is a physical belt meant to be defended—won and lost—within the confines of TNA, then my money is on Eric Young. Bobby Roode is on the hunt for the tag titles; Drew Galloway is too new to TNA to be considered the "King of the Mountain"; and Matt Hardy sucks. So as far as I can tell, this is a battle between Eric Young and Jeff Jarrett.
Educated Guess: Jeff Jarrett
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