Educated Guess
WWE Extreme Rules 2015
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
This Sunday is WWE’s first “Live Event” since WrestleMania 31, and it’s another “free-per-view” for newbies to the WWE Network. Extreme Rules features most of the same matches as ‘Mania, but with various stipulations, making for an even-more watered down product than we’re used to. And where did the WWE decide to hold this throwaway show? Chicago’s All State Arena, where we can almost guarantee a dozen disrespectful “CM Punk” chants, most likely during the Diva’s title match. I’m not looking forward to this show because WrestleMania season is over, and the WWE hasn’t done anything remotely entertaining during this time of year since the Invasion—and they couldn’t even do that right. WCW and ECW were invading the WWE for the first time ever, and they FUCKED it up. So why in god’s name would I be excited for a KISS MY ARSE match, or a Chicago Street Fight featuring one performer who never fucking wins? My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this is my “Educated Guess” for Extreme Rules 2015.
WWE Tag Team Championship
Kidd & Cesaro (c) vs. The New Day
The tag team championship will be decided on the preshow for yet another month, as the incomparable Kidd and Cesaro put their belts on the line against two unnamed members of The New Day. The tag team fatal four-way match at Wrestlemania was one of the most exciting bouts on the entire card, and I’m confident that two of those teams can “steal the preshow” once again. Kidd and Cesaro appear to be getting over quite well as babyfaces with the fans, which works well when in contrast to The New Day. Try as they might, the trio of Kofi Kingston, Big E, and Xavier Woods aren’t winning any popularity contests on TV each week, and could be mere days away from a full heel turn. I wrote in my recent review of Smackdown that The New Day reminds of three overzealous Rocky Maivias, none of whom are willing to give up on their positive message.В
Educated Guess:В Kidd and Cesaro
Kiss My Arse Match
Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
I have no idea when this match will occur, but I really couldn’t care any less about a “Kiss My Arse Match.” I’ve really enjoyed Sheamus since he’s returned to television; I don’t think that “he looks stu-pid,” but rather rugged with his Black Sails beard and Celtic Warrior anthem. But why is his first match back on pay-per-view a comically convoluted gimmick, wherein— not ONE, but both men—risk humiliation. I’m not a Dolph Ziggler mark as I've made clear on a number of occasions and I hope that this is a squash match to continue building Sheamus toward the main event title picture in the near future. I know a lot of people aren’t fond of Sheamus, but I think he has a far more positive upside than a “ten-year tenured” stand-up comedian with a penchant for stupid Tweets.
Educated Guess:В Sheamus
WWE Diva’s Championship
Nikki Bella (c) vs. Naomi
I’ve been buried in the past—both by readers and colleagues—for my continued commitment to Nikki Bella as WWE Diva’s Champion. It’s like this folks–it’s called the DIVA’S Championship. It’s not a women’s title or a lady’s wrestler’s belt. It’s the FUCKING DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP. And who better to carry that butterfly belt than one of the most manipulative women on WWE Television? Nikki and her sister Brie play their characters perfectly—so well that even the smartest marks have convinced themselves that Nicole “sleeps her way to the top.” Just because she’s dating the top guy in the company, and holds the top women’s honor in mainstream American wrestling, doesn’t mean she’s a gold digger. It means she’s been a consummate and dedicated WWE employee for several years, and has earned the right to call herself champion. Is it Naomi’s time? I don’t believe so, but I can’t imagine any other champion dropping their belt on the show—so who really knows? I’ve enjoyed where Naomi’s character has gone in recent weeks and regardless of whether she wins the Diva’s championship, I think she’s well on her way to a more prominent run as a professional wrestler.
Educated Guess:В Nikki BellaВ
Last Man Standing Match
Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show
Does anybody care about this match in the slightest? I mean seriously. I will say that fans appear to be getting behind Roman Reigns now that he’s no longer a contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But The Big Show? Really? I don’t care enough about this to make a prediction. I can only hope that Roman wins, because why does the Big Show need to defeat Roman Reigns in a "Last Man Standing" match on pay-per-view? Especially only one month removed from losing in the main event at Wrestlemania? Bray Wyatt isn't wrestling on this card, you guys know that right? I just realized Bray is more than likely calling out Roman Reigns. What do you guys think?
Educated Guess:В Roman Reigns
Chicago Street Fight
Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper
I’m not one of those fans that has a problem with all the “street fight” gimmicks. Yeah it gets kind of annoying every time there’s a “Manchester Melee,” or a “Los Angeles Alley Fight.” But the “Chicago Street Fight” dates back several decades. In fact, didn’t the original Nation of Domination engage in some sort of Chicago Street Fight against the Legion of Doom at Wrestlemania 13? I’ve been down on Dean Ambrose in the past, but I can’t hold anything against him in the brawling department, especially when paired with such a phenomenal star as Luke Harper. I hope that these two superstars take the fight around the arena so as to break up the monotony of stipulations, and give us something we wouldn't see otherwise. Dean Ambrose is probably going to lose because he always loses, which makes me wonder why anybody ever cheers for the guy. Seriously, look at the statistics in 2014 and tell me how many singles matches Dean Ambrose won on pay-per-view. No, go ahead—I'll wait.
Educated Guess:В Luke HarperВ
Russian Chain Match
WWE United States Championship
John Cena (c) vs. Rusev
I have to say that I’m probably most excited for this match—between John Cena and the former WWE United States Champion Alexander Rusev. I was talking with my “B+ Player” cohost Gary Mastriano a few months ago, about how the WWE doesn’t have any chain or strap matches anymore. Those were some of my favorites, particularly the "Dog Collar Match" between Roddy Piper and Greg Valentine, and the championship strap match with JBL and Eddie Guerrero. Given the level of violence, I attributed their absence to the dawn of the “PG Era.” So imagine the combination of joy and surprise I experienced when the challenge was issued for a “Russian Chain Match.” However, if you'll remember back to the “Flag Match” with Jack Swagger, we got something a little bit different than what we were used to in the past. So who’s to say this "Chain" match will follow anything resembling a previous precedent. For all we know, it's a regular match and the winner gets to hold the chain at the end.
#TakeMyMoney
Educated Guess:В John Cena
Intercontinental Championship
Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Bad News BarrettВ
It would seem less and less likely that this match will even happen. Daniel Bryan hasn’t been very visible on television as of late and given his medical problems coming off of the European tour, I imagine it’s only a matter of weeks until he vacates his championship. It’s a shame that someone as talented as Daniel Bryan might be forced to retire at such a young age, but that burden can’t be placed on anyone other than the man himself. When Daniel returned from his most recent injury, he did absolutely nothing to curtail his performance inside the squared-circle. If Bryan does in fact defend his title against Bad News Barrett, it wouldn’t be a shock if the “British Bull Hammer” walked away with yet ANOTHER intercontinental championship. But would the WWE really do something like that in Chicago, in front of some of the most vocal fans on the planets? Time will tell, but I suggest they save the switch for a house show in Mystery, Alaska.
Educated Guess:В Daniel BryanВ
Cage Match/RKO is Banned
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Seth Rollins (c) vs. Randy Orton
There’s no doubt in my mind that Seth Rollins is going to retain his WWE championship, but what else might go down during this main event wherein Kane will serve as the “Gatekeeper” to the cage door? I’ve really been loving Kane as of late, and think he’s been cutting some of the most powerful promos on television. His inclusion in this match isn’t as cumbersome as it might have been one year ago, and could in fact make for a dramatic conclusion. I think Kane and Seth Rollins are money if they’re booked opposite one another in a meaningful way; they can’t wrestle every week or even every month. Rather treat their rivalry like Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker. Seth needs to defend his title against all-comers, all the while he’s got this super natural menace lurking around every corner. My point is that Randy Orton is already a multiple time world champion and doesn’t need any more tally marks in his column until they start to mean something again. I think Seth is going to beat Randy, although I’m sure Orton will take the champion to his absolute limit.В
Educated Guess:В Seth RollinsВ
My Educated Guess? Uh—if you’re watching this show live, you’ve got nothing else to do this Sunday. I’m not making fun, because I don’t have anything to do and I’ll be watching “Extreme Rules” on the WWE Network. But if I had like… Anything else to do, I would probably save the show for Monday morning. And shame on anyone who’s still paying for this crap through their cable providers! I know you snarky internet fans like to act as though the ‘Network is a pile of shit and subscribing to it is just supporting the EVIL TRIPLE H—but it’s $9.99 a month for pay-per-views, NXT, and other original content. It’s TEN BUCKS for a pay-per-view versus SIXTY. Your indie wrestling pride isn’t worth a fifty dollar difference, especially if you’re breaking down and ordering the show on traditional cable every month anyway. You can spend the extra money on some hipster NJPW shirts, if that makes you feel better
This show is terribly predictable, and I can’t see any titles changing hands—unless the WWE decides to strip Bryan of his intercontinental title due to injury. And even then, do they really want to do that in the mid card of a Chicago show? If you think I’m way off base and you’re actually looking forward to “Extreme Rules,” I want to hear from you. I’m not always right and I welcome any and all comments both here at Cheap-Heat and on Twitter @TapeTraderz. Maybe I’m just so disenfranchised by the WWE that I’m blind to what they might be capable of. In which case I’ll certainly admit I was wrong on the “B+ Player Reaction Show” available Monday morning here at Cheap-Heat.com.
