Lucky Thirteen #3
Mustaches of the Mat
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
Is there anything more MANLY than a MUSTACHE? I'm not talking about a goatee or a beard, I'm talking about a fine strip of "face frosting" sculpted expertly betwixt the nose and the lips. Mustaches go hand-in-hand with the ambiguously glamorous and macho world of professional wrestling. Commonly regarded as the first spectator sport in the world, wrestling has long since served to separate the weak from the strong, and to elevate combatants from mere men to immortal icons. So too have mustaches separated superior specimens of masculinity such as Howard Finkel from clean shaven nerdy-boys like John Cena. Ladies and gentlemen my name is Mark Adam Haggerty, taking a break from the serious stuff with this week's, "Lucky Thirteen: Mustaches of the Mat."
13. Silas Young
Although mustaches may appear more synonymous with yesteryear, there are quite a few colorful characters sporting the whiskered look in today's industry as well. Number thirteen on our countdown is Ring of Honor superstar and nephew to Stan Hansen, Silas Young. Silas has garnered the same sort of reputation for rough-housing that "The Lariat" did twenty years ago, although in 2015 his blend of straight forward ass-kicking is less common and therefore an invaluable tool in the repertoire of "The Last Real Man." And how can you tell Silas is a real man? Look no further than that corpulent "cookie duster" swinging under his nose! Silas is only 34 years old but sporting what we've dubbed the "Ron Swanson" makes him look more like a grizzled scout leader than a professional wrestler.
12. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
This mustache from Stone Mountain might not have been the most distinguishing facet of Jake Roberts' character, but it was the scariest! The WWE Hall of Famer otherwise known as "The Snake" never held a WWE title belt, though he still managed to earn a lasting place in the hearts and minds of audiences across the world. Though Jake will probably be most remembered for his reptilian pal Damien, I'd like to think part of his mythos might be attributed to the stylish "snout-snake" he wore proudly across his face as well. Jake's flimsy facial hair is one of the only staches in the business that goes whichever way Jake is thinking—it's like a MOOD MUSTACHE!
11. Cody Rhodes
It's not just smoke and mirrors, Cody Rhodes was truly at the top of his game when that glorious "bro-merang" landed on his lip. The former tag team and intercontinental champion has gone through many changes during his career, currently teaming with half-brother Dustin as "Gold and Stardust." But Cody's most compelling character was most certainly the debonair manscaping savant dubbed "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. While a great deal of wrestlers tend to resemble rapists when they grow their facial hair, Cody was fortunate enough to instead look like a police detective. Working long hours might show around the eyes, but the mustache won't sleep until this case is solved!
10. "Mean" Gene Okerlund
Perhaps less time in the gym makes for more opportunities over the sink, because while there are plenty of mustaches in the wrestling industry, there are few as precise and pristine as the one residing on "Mean" Gene Okerlund. Unlike the rest of the list, Gene never made his wage inside the squared-circle but instead behind the microphone. As the birth of television gave rise to a litany of new jobs, Gene knew there was only one way to make it to the top in the world of broadcasting—a mustache! But not just any old "dirt squirrel" would do, as Okerlund has managed to keep his one of the finest kept patches of facial fur in the business for nearly fifty years.
9. Rocky Johnson
Black guys might complain about the manageability of their hair, but I'll be damned if Rocky Johnson didn't have a set of killer "lip luggage." Highly respected and forever admired as one half of the first-ever African American tag team champions in WWE history, Hall of Famer Rocky Johnson passed his exceptional skills inside the ring along to his son and former World Heavyweight Champion Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. What he
didn't
pass along were his unbelievable mustache genetics! In 1999 Dwayne had the chance to play his dad on Fox's "That 70's Show," complete with Rocky's signature hair style and of course, that "Lando Calrissian" mustache!
8. Simon Gotch
The next mustachioed marvel on our countdown is none other than NXT's resident strongman Simon Gotch! Simon might appear to be a Victorian Era bodybuilder, but alongside Aiden English he's one half of a modern day tag team down in WWE Developmental called "The Vaudevillains." In addition to performing extraneous outdated exercises, the "Gentleman Bruiser" comes equipped with a waxy upturned mustache fitting the time period with which he identifies. I hope NXT continues to book Simon Gotch on a regular basis, otherwise he'll be free to tie the residents of Orlando to train tracks.
7. The Blackjacks
Have we entered the Wrestling Mustache Hall of Fame since we're talking about Blackjack Mulligan and Blackjack Lanza? The Blackjacks were a dominant and fearsome duo who not only revolutionized tag team wrestling, but did so with style and finesse! Cowboy gimmicks are older than professional wrestling in America, and cheaper to book than a ten-gallon hat. The Blackjacks were different in their style and used their seemingly identical features to their advantage. While most roughnecks might let their entire beard grow in lieu of shaving, the Blackjacks maintained a level of sophistication by styling almost aristocratic mustaches that contrasted magnificently with their dirty vests and leather chaps.
6. The Iron Sheik
Before coming to America, Khosrow Viziri was a body guard for the Shah of Iran and a member of the 1968 Iranian Olympic Team. He came to the United States and after working as an Olympic coach, Viziri entered the sport of professional wrestling and was soon named, "The Iron Sheik." The �Sheik would work in the AWA and WWE and would reach his highest level of success in 1983 when he defeated the 6-year reigning WWF Champion Bob Backlund. Despite his valiant efforts in the ring, the �Sheik will probably be most remembered for his outlandish escapades since retiring including various "shoot interviews" and YouTube appearances. But through it all, The Iron Sheik manages to maintain the same spectacular "nose neighbor" he's had since winning the championship in 1983. That's thirty-two years-worth of mustache wax.
5. Dan "The Beast" Severn
Before Brock Lesnar there was only one beast of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, and it as Dan Severn. Aside from being the most legitimately lethal man on the countdown, Dan is also the friendliest-
looking.
Dan Severn didn't have any sort of extensive stay in the WWE, but it was long enough to warrant an action figure be made complete with "dad stache." Don't let his kind hearted appearance fool you, Severn was an acclaimed pioneer in the early days of �Ultimate Fighting,' and held the NWA World Heavyweight Championship twice. I feel as though I have to convince nonbelievers how terrifying this man can be, because his insanely practical "ketchup catcher" makes him look like an �80s sitcom dad.
4. Magnum T.A.
Perhaps more than anyone else on the countdown, Magnum T.A.'s gimmick was that he had a really cool mustache. For anyone that doesn't know, apparently there was a show starring Tom Sellek called, "Magnum P.I." and he was a detective or a bus driver or something. I'm not exactly sure because I just skimmed the Wikipedia article on it. I was born in 1986 so I know Tom Sellek as Monica's old boyfriend on "Friends." Magnum T.A. is far more memorable to a wrestling nerd like me and he's famous for being the "megastar that never was." Magnum's popularity and look combined with stellar work-rate had him poised to replace Hulk Hogan on top of the industry, until a near-fatal car accident left him paralyzed. Although his career was cut dramatically short, Magnum had a helluva run and still has one hell of a Tom Sellek mustache.
3. "Ravishing" Rick Rude
His body's chiseled, abs all in a row; you'd think he was sculpted by Michelangelo. But what about the epitome of manliness tucked away in the center of his face, why doesn't his WCW theme song talk about the absolutely diabolical mustache that so greatly added to the overall evil appeal of Rick Rude? The late "Ravishing" Rick Rude had an unbelievable career and won several titles including the WWF Intercontinental and the WCW International World Heavyweight Championships. The Ravishing One was a founding member of D-Generation X in 1997, because what's more X-Rated than a certifiably pornographic mustache? Although similar to the "face lace" on the lip of Magnum T.A., Rick Rude's cavalier persona made his mustache less heroic and therefore similar to that of Burt "Turd Ferguson" Reynolds. The world lost two legends on April 20, 1999: the unequivocally talented "Ravishing" Rick Rude—and his highly decorated, veteran "lady tickler."
2. Hulk Hogan
When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, it's probably a big leg drop brother! Hulk Hogan is arguably the biggest draw in the history of professional wrestling. Now while I'll admit the initial Hulkamania boom had a lot to do with a successful marketing campaign, that sandy "womb broom" of Terry Bollea couldn't have hurt matters much—especially in the 1980's! Sure, talk about his champion titles and record-setting main events and movies and pasta restaurants and reality TV show and murderously irresponsible children—all I want to talk about is that golden handlebar that's always glistening regardless of what decade it's in. The �80s "Bro-gan" was basic with very little character, but over time it grew and whether it's posted up against a freshly shaved chin, or amidst a crop of NWO black stubble, the �Hogan Stache' is the number two stache in wrestling history. BROTHER!
1. Ox Baker
The number one mustache in wrestling history belongs to a much-beloved wrestler, actor, and all-around legend in the world of erratic facial hair—Ox Baker. For many of us born in the late 1980's, Ox isn't a wrestling character we're readily aware of, but he was a legend in the early years of the WWWF and in the waning days of the territory system. In addition to his wrestling accolades, Ox made several cinematic appearances in movies such as "Escape from New York," "The Big Brawl," and as a contestant on "The Price is Right" in 1981. To help convey his unpredictable presence between the ropes, Ox grew a large bristly mustache that grew outward and reached down beneath his chin. Fans across the world were saddened in 2014 when Baker passed at the age of 80, mustache still intact.
I hope you enjoyed this unprecedented look at the Top Mustaches in Professional Wrestling History, or "Mustaches of the Mat." My name is Mark Adam Haggerty reminding you that I'll be back next week with another Lucky 13 Countdown. Until then be sure to catch up on my most recent reviews and columns, exclusively available at Cheap-Heat!
