Lucky Thirteen #8: Confusing Contests

Lucky Thirteen #8
Confusing Contests
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty

When other sites are cutting their countdowns at ten, we take it a step further with the once-weekly "Lucky Thirteen"—listing the top "baker's dozen" in everything from mat-work to mustaches. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I'm back to bring you another riveting round of wrestling ridiculousness, this week chronicling the most CONFUSING CONTESTS to ever take place inside a squared-circle. Let's kick things off with number thirteen.

13. The Handicap Match
We're starting things off with a match that's become almost as common as singles competition itself, the handicap match. Usually two-on-one, but sometimes three-on-one or three-on-two—the handicap match has an unlimited amount of possibilities as far as stacking the odds against either team. Handicap matches are usually seen on TV, featuring a number of villainous heels teaming against one or more babyfaces. It's not often that a handicap match makes it to pay-per-view, as they're primarily used to build characters on the way to legitimate competition. The most high profile handicap match in recent history was the three-on-one bout from Wrestlemania 25 wherein Chris Jericho was forced to battle Jimmy Snuka, Roddy Piper, and Ricky Steamboat. A great deal of matches on this countdown are stupid, but the handicap match comes in at number thirteen because it's quite possibly the most BORING match in all of wrestling.

12. The Taipei Death Match
I'm not a huge fan of hardcore wrestling, but I certainly enjoy a little brutality if a situation warrants such an approach. Extreme Championship Wrestling pushed the envelope farther than any American promotion at the time in terms of explicit violence. I think there are a variety of bloody bouts—from the onset of ECW until its demise—worthy of honorable mention as far as quality matches. But then there's the "Taipei Death Match"—a completely non-athletic spot-fest containing two of the least-entertaining acts in the history of the sport. Rumor has it that Axl Rotten wanted away from the albatross that was Ian Rotten, and was granted his wish if he and Ian could have a brutal-enough blow-off to satisfy the ECW audience. What resulted was a feud that lasted longer than Axl might have liked, and lead to the introduction of the "Taipei Death Match." Both men wrapped their fists in tape and dipped their hands in glue, and then immersed the glue in buckets of broken glass. The two went out and beat each other senseless in what became some of the most gruesome carnage to ever make it to ECW television. The glass might have been rigged, but the blading and bloodshed were most certainly real for both men, neither of whom ever moved on to bigger things.

11. The Hog Pen Match
The first WWF magazine I ever bought with my own money was the February 1996 edition, which contained photographic results of the December '95 pay-per-view. While the event was headlined by Bret Hart defending his championship against the British Bulldog, my favorite aspect of the card was the "Arkansas Hog Pen Match," with Henry O. Godwinn and a very young Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Now that I'm far older and wiser, I understand the silliness associated with such a concept, although it took a few more hog pen matches to really convince me. The wrestlers involved begin in the squared-circle but must take their battle through the crowd and toward the fenced-off enclosure encompassing pigs and mud. I'm not exactly fond of any kind of match that takes place outside of the ring, even when it's well-lit and placed beside the stage. But the inaugural hog pen took place behind the crowd, surrounded by shadows. As far as goofy gimmicks, this match only makes sense when contested by a very few select Superstars, and is absolutely ridiculous otherwise.

10. World War 3
The World Wrestling Federation continued to strike oil from month-to-month as every big pay-per-view concept became a lasting-success. The Royal Rumble has been a January classic for 30 years, and in 1995, WCW decided to up-the-ante with a sixty-man battle royal, contested in three separate rings. The first-ever "World War 3" was won by the "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who outlasted the entire roster to become the WCW champion. The thought of doubling the number of competitors in a Royal Rumble is a fantastic idea, I just wish WCW borrowed the WWF's entry method as well. Instead all sixty men were introduced at the same time until all three rings were full. This created confusion more than anything else, as viewers at home were completely unable to follow any of the action for more than a moment. In addition to the cluster of activities going on in the rings, the broadcast teams were split, with a different duo providing play-by-play for each squared-circle. What resulted was an hour-long affair that nobody could keep up with, featuring erratic commentary from random individuals. WCW used the WW3 format three more times, with 1998 being the last.

9. The Junkyard Invitational
If you didn't go cross-eyed after watching sixty WCW Superstars in three rings, perhaps the "Junkyard Invitational" is just what you need to guarantee your inevitable seizure. The WCW Hardcore Division was introduced during a defining period for WCW where the company would start to embark on their own dramatic decline. The competition introduced their "Hardcore" championship to resounding support, so WCW decided to follow suit with their own title. Whereas the WWF hardcore championship was defending in rugged backstage situations, the WCW hardcore matches seemed far more choreographed. This was never more evident than at Bash at the Beach 1999 when fifteen wrestlers challenged for the WCW hardcore championship in a junkyard. The winner would be the man who escaped the junkyard before the entire area was "destroyed." Aerial cameras captured the excitement featuring extreme wrestling icons like Brian Knobs, Rocco Rock, Mikey Whipwreck, the Sandman, and the man who would ultimately emerge victorious—Dave "Fit" Finlay. The idea that the fourteen remaining competitors would be trapped in a deliberate disaster area was the icing on a cake baked with really bad ideas.

8. The San Francisco 49er Match
This match had the most potential to be better than it was, but since it failed during its debut, it's no wonder we've never seen it again. Jeff Jarrett and Booker T were competing for the WCW heavyweight title on an episode of Monday Nitro, where it was decided that the belt shall be boxed away and hoisted high above the ring. In fact there were four boxes surrounding the squared-circle—each containing a different "prize." This was the "San Francisco 49er Match." In an effort to give credit where it's due, WCW Creative concocted a brand new concept specifically for the Bay Area crowd, unlike the WWE who always falls back on the various "Insert-City-Here Street Fight." The two biggest problems with the match were the contents of the crates and the quality with which they were constructed. While one of the boxes contained the vacant WCW title, the others were filled with "consolation prizes"—such as a framed photograph of Scott Hall. If the boxes were made to withstand a wrestling match, we might have gotten an enjoyable little gimmick, but instead they fell apart at the slightest touch from either man. Booker didn't need to climb the turnbuckle to win the match, as the belt fell out of the final crate, forcing Book' to drop down to the floor and pick it up.

7. The Body Slam Challenge
When done as an exhibition or part of a larger presentation, a "Body Slam Challenge" has the potential to be a fun event. The day Lex Luger slammed Yokozuna on the U.S.S. Intrepid is a day that has lived on in Sports Entertainment infamy. But when two Superstars are subjected to a standard wrestling match, whereby the winner is decided following the first body slam, things can get a little boring. The first Wrestlemania featured a very special "$15,000 Body Slam Challenge" between Big John Studd and Andre the Giant. When Andre won, he shared the money with the audience in Madison Square Garden—that's basically what you have to do to make this kind of match enjoyable. You have to pay the audience. In recent years, modern-day power houses such as Mark Henry and the Big Show have engaged in body slam challenges, although without as much money on the line. If you think a handicap contest is boring, wait until you see a match that ends as soon as somebody gets slammed.

6. The Stairs Match
"The Stairs Match" debuted at the 2014 TLC pay-per-view event. Over the past few years, the WWE has done everything possible to define each monthly event, complete with its own identity. The veteran "Tables, Ladders, and Chairs" were given a fourth member this time around—stairs. My first problem with this match was the fact that they were called stairs, and not "steel steps." They've never been called stairs before, at least not until the WWE wanted to rhyme something with chairs. The ladder match makes sense; competitors ascend toward the rafters so that they may capture the title belt. The table match makes sense; you win the match by putting your opponent through a table. Hell, even the CHAIRS match is starting to make sense; chairs are legal weapons. But stairs? The biggest spot of the match came when the Big Show used the steps to cover Erick Rowan, otherwise we just got another chairs match—with stairs. I hope this was a one-time event, and will otherwise dread this December's edition of "Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Stairs."

5. The Kennel From Hell Match
There's quite a movement going that suggests the "Kennel from Hell" is the worst match in wrestling history, and while I won't outright disagree, I'd say it pales in comparison to some of the more frequent train wrecks we've been privy to throughout the years. The Big Boss Man and Al Snow were deeply embroiled in a personal conflict stemming from the Boss Man kidnapping and cooking Al's dog Pepper. Al thought the only true justice for his canine companion would involve Pepper's "family members" getting their revenge on the dastardly Big Boss Man. The Kennel from Hell involved a classic "blue steel cage" around the ring, with a Hell in a Cell erected around that. Between the two fences would be "vicious Rottweiler's," ready to chomp down on whomever might fall between the cracks. Instead of carnivorous beasts however, the ringside area was filled with timid dogs, petrified by the thousands of screaming fans. They weren't lose, as was suggested by promos leading into the event, and were instead wrangled by a number of animal specialists. In addition to a match that "stunk up" the Charlotte Coliseum, the animals made it so that fans in the front row really had a smell to complain about. But if you think that's it for fecal matter in the WWE—get ready for number four.

4. The Dog Poo Match
When the British Bulldog returned to the WWE in 1999, I was among the thousands of adoring fans hoping we might finally get a world championship run out of Davey Boy Smith. Oh how mistaken I was! In truth, his entire return revolved around the "Dog" aspect of his persona. He feuded with the Rock for some time and was even forced to eat dog food—perhaps punishment for walking out with Bret following the "Montreal Screwjob." In any case, eating dog food is one thing, but swimming around in their excrement is something completely different. In an attempt to further insult the first-ever European Champion, the Rock challenged the British Bulldog to the first-and-only "Dog Poo Match." I stopped watching wrestling at the tail-end of 1999, and always attributed it to puberty and liking girls, but it very well might have been " shit " like this. The Rock was already an established star of the silver screen, and wasn't about to take a Running Powerslam into a "tray of dog poop." The match ended when the Rock delivered his patented Rock Bottom to Davey in what was said to be ACTUAL canine feces.

3. The Scaffold Match
When dealing with heights and gravity, anything can go wrong in a variety of ways. It's no wonder that the WWE has never been fond of featuring scaffold matches, as those seen in other territories often resulted in broken bones. The rules are incredibly simple: climb the scaffold and don't fall off before your opponent does. Seems like a no-brainer that this kind of contest is becoming all the more endangered in 2015. Among several iconic classics, the most famous scaffold match took place on November 27, 1986 at Starrcade. Dubbed "Night of the Skywalkers," the annual spectacular promised an aerial collision between Paul Ellering's Road Warriors and Jim Cornette's Midnight Express. The �Warriors defeated the �Express, but the bout gave way to several injuries, most notably Jim Cornette, who broke both legs after falling from the scaffold. The match has evolved in a variety of ways throughout the years: ECW used the scaffold as a "platform" for the extreme; WCW built a scaffold around their entrance way for a special encounter featuring Shane Douglas and Billy Kidman; TNA still employs the scaffold match to this day with their equally-unsafe "Elevation X Match." A number of matches on this list are dumb, some of them are boring, but the scaffold match is just downright dangerous .


2. The Triple Cage Match
By the time "Ready to Rumble" was released, World Championship Wrestling was suffering from a decline that would ultimately lead to its undoing. It was during this era that the creative direction of the company shifted on an almost monthly-basis. Somewhere along the line, it was decided to give the WCW world heavyweight championship to the star of "Ready to Rumble"—David Arquette. The movie featured a spectacular cage scenario wherein three separate structures sat one-on-top of the other. This was of course recreated for THUNDER and featured Arquette teaming with Diamond Dallas Page against Eric Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett. The base was designed like a "Hell in a Cell," with a very small opening in the roof, leading to the next area. All four combatants—including two of whom that weren't even wrestlers—were forced to climb a ladder to the roof of the "Cell," where they proceeded into a "ring-sized" 20-foot cage filled with weapons. From there is an even smaller cage with nothing but guitars, a favorite foreign object of Double J. At the very top of the final cage was the world title—but instead of reaching for the belt, participants had to pin one another. So what's the point of climbing to the top? If that wasn't bad enough, the rules were so that the first man to score a pinfall would win the WCW title. Your winner, and NEW champion—David Arquette.

1. King of the Mountain Match
This match is literally worse than dog shit—well, a dog shit match . I've seen it done numerous times over the past ten years and I still have no idea what's going on. In a nutshell—it's a reverse ladder match. TNA has a storied history of reversing the rules in established match-types, having featured everything from a backwards-battle royal to a converse-cage match. But the King of the Mountain takes it a step further by complicating the rules to the point of absurdity. Five TNA wrestlers enter the ring, "ineligible" to win the championship title. Each competitor must score a pinfall or submission, and only then is he granted the opportunity to HANG the belt on a hook high above the ring. The wrestler on the losing end of the decision is then sent to the "penalty box," where he must wait until he's allowed to continue. While most historians might rank the "Kennel from Hell" or the "Triple Cage" above this in terms of insane ideas, those matches were attempted and immediately abandoned. There have been eight King of the Mountain matches in six years, the last of which was in 2009. Added to the ridiculous rules and enigmatic execution, the longevity of this match-type speaks to why it is the most "Questionable Contest" in wrestling history.

Thank you for joining me once again for this week's edition of the "Lucky Thirteen." Be sure to bookmark my "Author Page" here at Cheap-Heat so that you can catch up on previous articles, and be sure you won't miss a thing going forward! Until next time, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty reminding you to follow me on Facebook by LIKING "Mark Haggerty's Pro Wrestling."