Did you guys know that Limp Bizkit is the WWE's favorite band in the WHOLE world? And that "Crack Addict" is amongst their favorite songs? Well maybe not so much anymore. My, how the times have changed! My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I spent the morning surfing, the afternoon writing, and the evening watching Wrestlemania XIX. Now it's on to Thursday Night Smackdown, so I've got all sorts of lines crossed and ideas floating around inside my cerebral cortex. I haven't had a chance to watch the show as of this writing, so we will be discovering the most exciting and least entertaining moments of the night together. You've checked into Cheap-Heat.com, and this is "What's Cookin' and What Doesn't Matter: Your Smackdown Breakdown."
SEGMENTS IN BOLD ARE COOKING! SEGMENTS IN ITALICS DON'T MATTER!
The show opens with the "Lunatic Fringe" Dean Ambrose en route to the ring from the rafters. He's heading down through the crowd, still in possession of Seth Rollins' WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Dean is rocking a whole bunch of Mardi Gras beads from his time down on Bourbon Street this past Monday Night. Dean cuts a hell of a promo, promising to walk out of this weekend's Money in the Bank as the undisputed heavyweight champion. Seth Rollins crashes the party and tells Ambrose that he's no different than the "scum inside the arena and not in [Seth's] league." Seth warns Dean to give him his title back before he takes it from him. Dean tells Seth to relax and suggests he should "take a chill pill." Dean leaves the belt in the middle of the ring and invites Seth to take it, but not before admitting that it isn't the real world heavyweight title belt. Seth asks where it is, and Dean says it's somewhere between where they are now and New Orleans, but assures everybody that he will in fact find it before Money in the Bank. Dean escapes and Seth calls after him that he's "not done with him yet," but the "Big Red Machine" arrives, and quickly alerts the champion that he is in fact done with Dean. "Last week on Raw you had the opportunity to choose any opponent that you wanted," Kane began, "And you failed! If that happens Sunday then you lose the WWE World Heavyweight title. You won't have any help from the Authority, you'll truly be on your own. Just like you'll be on your own tonight against a Money in the Bank ladder match participant—Dolph Ziggler!"
We head into our first commercial of the night and when we return it's time for one-on-one competition. The Miz is squaring off against "The Big Guy," the current intercontinental champion, Ryback. This match is the result of weeks' worth of animosity between Ryback and Miz, as well as Big Show and Ryback—and Miz. This is a fun match where the Miz has more than a handful of chances to prove what kind of competitor he has the ability to be. All too often people get down on the man born Michael Mizanin, but why? Because he was on a few MTV programs prior to arriving in the WWE Universe? He's been under contract for ten years. He's a former WWE Champion. He beat John Cena at Wrestlemania! What more do you want? The Miz is today's Ted DiBiase; he's a true heel with no redeeming qualities. And that includes no flashy moves to make audiences stop and say "wow." His encounter with the "Big Guy" is interesting because it involves quite a bit of offense from the "A-Lister." The Miz enjoys an outward advantage, and locks-in the Figure Four, only to find himself far too close for comfort with Ryback. Ryback fights back and teeters on the edge of victory before being hit with the "Skull Crushing Finale." Ryback kicks out at two, and the Miz continues his assault, mocking Ryback all the while. Ryback hits the Miz with "Shell Shock," and immediately scores a pinfall. Can Ryback do that again this Sunday against the Big Show? We will find out—and then we'll talk about it on the B+ Players Podcast! Following the bell, the Big Show made his way onto the stage. He informed Ryback that while he wishes he could say he was impressed, nothing impresses him anymore. After 20 years of being a giant, there's nothing that surprises him, and there's no one that can match up to the Big Show. Ryback then told �Show "not to sing it," but to "bring it." The Louisiana fans went wild as Big Show got closer to the ring, but booed when the "Giant" backed away and up the ramp.
Jack Swagger is on Smackdown! And tonight he's set to compete with the 2015 King of the Ring, Bad News Barrett. R Truth is sitting at commentary alongside Jerry Lawler, Byron Saxton, and Tom Phillips, scouting his competition for this Sunday's Money in the Bank pay-per-view. I mean "Special Event." I mean "Special Event Kick Off Show." Whatever it is, that's when R Truth will battle King Barrett. This match doesn't last more than a few moments, and quickly degenerates to nothing as Truth begins to dress in Barrett's Kingly cloak at ringside. This distracts Barrett, but not long enough to cost him the match. Barrett picks up the victory, and the edge over the trouble Truth, as he prepares to defeat the former NWA World Champion this Sunday.
We get a glimpse of a WWE.com exclusive interview with Lana, conducting by the Voice of the WWE, Michael Cole. Lana brags about a whole bunch of things that girls only truly care about during the first few months of a relationship. She tells Michael Cole that her and Dolph "read books together, and then they talk about them." Who does that? That's an antiquated form of intimacy that only really exists in micro-pockets of hipster society. Moving on—this segment is COOKIN', believe it or not, especially when Rusev appears on crutches, humbling asking Lana not to go with Ziggler. "He's been with many other women," is a sentence I'm choosing to paraphrase. Here's a direct quote: "Submit yourself to me and no one else." Does anyone else think Rusev might just be having trouble with translations? I mean, right? What's that old saying? Make a misogynistic comment once, shame on me. Make a misogynistic comment twice—well then it's not me, it's you." Lana looked at Rusev and alerted him that it's over. Rusev screamed and yelled at Michael Cole and told him that it was his fault, before chasing him out. Let me ask you—how is this a WWE.com Exclusive if I'm watching it on Smackdown?
Dolph Ziggler is set for action against the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Seth Rollins. Rollins makes his way down to ringside by himself—sans the world title belt, as well as his former Security Detail. Things kick off with an exchange of mat-based grapples—including hammer and headlocks—and quickly evolve to a faster pace. Watching Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins compete is akin to what it was like to view the "Heartbreak Kid" go head-to-head with the "Hitman" before either man ever reached superstardom. Things head to the outside and Seth Rollins sends Dolph Ziggler spiraling into the time keepers desk, where he remains until he regains his composure. When we return, things are heating up, and regardless of who might be in command, it's still anyone's ball game. Seth hits a slew of signature spots, and despite his own attractive blend of maneuvers, Dolph was unable to outperform the world champion. Seth rolled Dolph up with a handful of tights to gain the advantage and earn the victory over a former "world champion." This match crossed a number of commercial breaks, and featured two of the most exciting Superstars in the WWE. The back and forth was organic and not based on high spots and poor salesmanship. This has the potential to be my match of the week for WWE. To find out for sure, tune into the "Outsiders' Edge" at Cheap-Heat.com this Saturday, where I'll talk about it with Dario Rivera!
It's time for WWE Diva's competition! The number one contender to Nicki Bella's championship is squaring off against Edge and Vickie Guerrero's former wedding planner. Paige is wrestling Alicia Fox, when some asshole with a headset deems it necessary to compare the Bella's and Paige to "Celine Dion and Marilyn Manson." I don't even know what that means. The commentators don't talk about this match one bit until Paige finally puts the match away with the "Paige Tap Out." What a dumb name for a move. It's okay Paige, I know you didn't name that shit. Instead they talk about the Bella's and Total Diva's, and Celine Dion, and their choice of wardrobe. Jerry Lawler says some terribly outdated things, that not even Rusev would dare try and get away with. At one point, he said: "I love seeing the Diva's argue peacefully, but later on they'll do it physically, which I love even more." I would like it if Jerry Lawler said something like that about a male wrestler. Just once I'd like to see some shit pop off between Diego of Los Matadors and Adam Rose and Jerry Lawler says, "Ooo! I can't wait to see them be physical!" What a joke he has become.
There's a very cool theatrical vignette designed to sell this weekend's match between Kevin Owens and John Cena, followed by an awesome little promo by the Prime Time Players. Renee Young is about to ask Titus is the �Players are prepared to challenge for the tag team titles this Sunday, and Titus cuts here off, assuring her that the Prime Time Players are in fact ready. Titus said that this was going to be the �Player's "Coming Out Party." Darren Young joked that last summer was the "Coming Out Party," to which Titus replied, "No that was your coming out party, and you should be very proud." One of the rare acknowledgements to D-Young's sexuality on television, done in a tasteful and respectful manner. I like it.
Tonight's main event is a six-man tag team match featuring all of the combatants from this weekend's Money in the Bank ladder match, minus Dolph Ziggler. Not the ladder match for the world title, mind you. Because remember, there is a world title ladder match at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. During a time when there are three events in six weeks, they save the ladder match for the only show guaranteed to already have a fucking ladder match? Go home Vince, you're drunk. This match pits Sheamus, Kane, and Kofi Kinston against Randy Orton, Roman Reigns, and the "Man That Gravity Forgot" Neville. This is an enjoyable enough bout, but like any multi man match on a go-home show, it's terribly reverse-engineered and horribly predictable. While no one was able to fully trust their team mates, it was the team of babyfaces that made the short-lived alliance work in their favor. Randy hit the RKO, but the New Day made the save and caused the disqualification. Dolph Ziggler hit the ring to join the action, and Neville jumped from on top of the ladder in the ring onto his six opponents at Money in the Bank. Who do I think is winning the MITB ladder match? Read my "Educated Guess: Money in the Bank" available tomorrow at NOON PST at Cheap-Heat.com!
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