The World (Wrestling Ent.) is Not Enough:
8 Wrestlers-turned-Bond Villains
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
I was lucky enough to grow up with all of my grandparents in pretty close proximity, but unfortunately not everybody was as into wrestling as I was. It was while staying with my mom's parents in New York City that I was first introduced to the thrilling adventures of Agent 007—James Bond. I started reading all of the books from a very young age, and memorized each and every film as I struggled to collect them all on VHS. The upcoming installment in the famed series will once again star Daniel Craig as the eponymous super spy, as he is set to square off against SPECTRE . It was announced several months back that former WWE world heavyweight champion and star of "Guardians of the Galaxy" Dave Batista would be featured in the movie, playing a villainous bodyguard named "Mr. Hinx." This isn't the first time �Bond producers have cast a wrestler in a leading role, as the 1964 film "Goldfinger" starred professional wrestler and Olympic silver medalist Harold Sakata as "Oddjob." What other wrestling superstars do you think would make good James Bond villains? Not necessarily based on their size or appearance, but on their character and strengths inside the squared circle? I came up with a number of excellent candidates, and whittled the list down to EIGHT Devilish Superstars who I think probably feel as though the "WWE is Not Enough."
Adam Bomb
in
"Disaster Averted"
After a catastrophic meltdown on an uninhabited island, nuclear engineer Adam Bombatowski emerges as the sole survivor. He is confined to the hazard-zone due to a rare respiratory ailment caused by the blast, and works tirelessly to rebuild the core in an attempt to understand his own fate. He sets about establishing loose-but-effective partnerships with hostile nations around the world so that he may easily acquire the parts necessary to reach his goal. He quickly earns the nickname "Adam Bomb," and embarks on a troublesome alliance with North Korea, who offer an unlimited supply of resources, provided he uses the final product as a weapon against Japan. This will take the tiny island nation by surprise, thus allowing North Korean troops access to the mainland. How will James Bond thwart Adam Bomb if getting close to him means risking his life? Once again it's up to Double-O Seven to stop the villain and save the day!
The Truth Commission
in
"Regrets Forgotten"
More than twenty years removed from the apartheid, white nationalists still hope to return South Africa to its once "racially-pure" roots. The Truth Commission was a non-violent group of like-minded individuals who sought to restore segregation through a peaceful understanding. One member of the �Commission, known only as "The Jackyl," was an idealistic young American mercenary who hoped to evolve the group toward the extreme. Once the Jackyl took command, he had a number of his subordinates executed, before shifting the focus of their mission from segregation to extermination. With a potential genocide casting a ghastly shadow across the entire continent of Africa, world-leaders must rely on one man to put an end to the bloodshed, before a third world war may begin. James Bond must stop the Jackyl as well as his legion of faithful loyalists before their movement spirals even farther out of control.
Kevin Sullivan
in
"The Task Masters"
Kevin Sullivan is an American professor teaching at Cambridge University, Bond's alma mater, whose popularity with the students allows his private life of crime to go undetected. Sullivan is the leader and self-professed prophet of the "Task Masters"—a secret society of students existing behind closed doors on the Cambridge campus. The group is comprised of nearly 900 individual men from the class of 1951, up to the current undergrads of today. The "Task Masters" are responsible for several unsolved political murders, most recently that of the French President's youngest daughter. Bond scoffs at the idea of investigating a murder, suggesting that this is a job for the "bobbies," or even
CAMPUS SECURITY.
M insists that Bond's affiliation with the school and knowledge of the campus will greatly benefit the search. Is there any method to the sheer madness of the "Task Masters," and how will James Bond infiltrate their highly selective organization?
Alexandra York
in
"Anywhere But Here"
The York Foundation is a prestigious hedge fund, chaired by the heiress to the York Family fortune, Alexandra York. After growing tired of her elderly peers and their dated ideas, York decides to bring her company into the 21st Century by investing in a highly controversial biological software system, capable of interacting with human emotion. James Bond is briefed on the eerie reports of experimentation and goes under-cover as a volunteer patient so that he may unlock the truth behind what York hopes to achieve. The alluring Alexandra York gains considerable influence in international politics by seducing public figures and replacing their frontal lobe with her company's state-of-the-art software—a program that only
she
may access on her personal tablet. York's ultimate goal is to combine her own conscious identity with a computer so that she may live on for eternity and escape the crippling degenerative disorder that claimed both of her parent's lives. James Bond must risk it all so that he may save Alexandra from slipping deeper into madness.
John Bradshaw Layfield
in
"Strangers from Home"
The United States and Mexico share one of the most disputed borders in the entire world, and Texas businessman John Bradshaw Layfield hopes to privatize the effort in securing the American side. Layfield is a former gubernatorial candidate, who appears squeaky clean to his conservative Christian community—but beneath the surface, JBL is a ruthless criminal mastermind responsible for nearly 95% of the U.S. heroin-trade. If Layfield is successful in privatizing border security, then he will have no one to answer to when smuggling vast quantities of illegal substances into America. James Bond is sent to investigate the mysterious circumstances surrounding a decapitated British journalist found floating off the coast of San Diego. How do the events connect and how might James Bond apprehend a seemingly benevolent billionaire with the U.S. government on his side?
Jerry "The King" Lawler
in
"For the Crown"
The thought of establishing a utopian society is far from an innovative concept, but Jerry "the King" Lawler doesn't hope to create an underwater civilization, nor does he want to ascend into space. Lawler commands a fleet of requisitioned warships from around the world, on which lives a segregated society comprised of several generations who consider him "King." Lawler rules his people through fear and escapes international entanglements by wielding an undisclosed number of nuclear weapons, housed on several stolen U.S. submarines. The fleet floats freely throughout international waters and subsist solely via acts of piracy. At the request of the British Prime Minister, James Bond leads a covert squad of Double-O agents into Lawler's domain to verify the existence of W.M.D.'s. Before they can reach the main frigate however, Bond's team mates are killed, which forces our hero to scrap the original plan and go about his mission solo.
Jake "The Snake" Roberts
in
"Eye of the Jungle"
Jake Roberts is a world-renowned leather smith who crafts one-of-a-kind items for high-society clientele. He procures rare and exotic animals from all four corners of the globe to create the most decadent clothing and accessories in the world. Jake is contracted by an arms dealer and third world dictator, who seeks a traditional Zulu chief headress, fashioned from the skin of the world's most famous secret agent. James Bond is lured to the turbulent terrain of North Africa when MI6 learns of a potential terrorist cell operating under the guise of a Swiss Diamond conglomerate. Double-O Seven doesn't find any secret plans for world domination, but
does
run into Jake Roberts and his lethal pet snake Damian. How can Bond possibly hope to survive when he's trapped in the jungle between a highly-skilled tracker and a murderous warlord?
Ted DiBiase
in
"Everybody Has a Price"
Billionaire banker Ted DiBiase has a reputation for financing crime that has extended far beyond his own backyard of Vienna. DiBiase is a first-generation Austrian whose American-born father deserted his post during the Second World War in favor of trading secrets with the Axis powers. Now seventy-five years removed from the fall of Hitler, and Ted DiBiase is still rubbing elbows with some of the most reprehensible war criminals on the planet—in some cases,
financing
large portions of their criminal activity. DiBiase's business is simple, yet effective: in addition to housing funds for illegal entrepreneurs, he regularly turns his own clients against one another so that he may pocket their investment. A civil war is looming in one of the smallest fragments of the former Soviet Union; CIA and MI6 operatives investigate the situation and link all parties involved to a cavalier Austrian banker with duel-citizenship in the United States. It's up to James Bond to gain the trust of Ted DiBiase so that he may stop an international incident before it can start.
I could go on forever with potential plots for possible James Bond films, starring some of the most outlandish characters in wrestling history! How about Dario Cueto from Lucha Underground—that guy just screams "Human Trafficking!" Sgt. Slaughter's anti-American character would be perfect; Chris Jericho's soft-spoken persona would be terrifying; Vince McMahon would be the perfect "Tomorrow Never Dies" knockoff. You get my point. Congratulations to Dave Batista for his continued cinematic success, and here's to hoping this opens the door for more wrestlers that feel the itch of the acting bug. Until next time, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty—reminding you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat and follow me on Facebook by LIKING "Mark Haggerty's Pro Wrestling."
