Total Non-Stop Analysis
TNA Impact 3/13/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
It's another Saturday afternoon here in the United States of Destination America, and the sun is just now starting to set on the West Coast. After much procrastination I finally sat down to watch last night's episode of TNA Impact, and have returned here—to CHEAP-HEAT.com—to spit the 411 with my most recent edition of "Total Nonstop Analysis." My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, and for the next few paragraphs, I'll be your tour guide through the confusing world of "Dixieland."
The show begins just as any other episode of Impact with a shadowy vignette connecting several programs together through a common thread. Tonight's episode revolves around three friendships that have been "shattered"—Eric Young and Bobby Roode, Magnus and Bram, and EC3 and Rockstar Spud. I'm happy the narrator didn't say, "Good Friends, Better Enemies." Instead, he ended the shot with "Once friends, now the fiercest of foes." That's pretty good alliteration, and anybody that knows my work, knows I love to pass alliteration off as good writing. The crowd is excited inside the Wembley Arena, as TNA continues its tour of the UK in London, England.
The opening match is a "Last Man Standing" bout between former best friends "Showtime" Eric Young and the "It Factor" Bobby Roode. Young appears before the British audience wearing his now-trademark green vest. He's still rocking the "Taxi Driver" cut, with the Mohawk extending all the way around the back, as the rest of the fuzz fades in. His opponent Bobby Roode appears to a raucous ovation—once again, I don't really get it. I think Bobby Roode is a fine competitor, but he's very generic. Both men go hard at one another as EY starts strong, fighting Bobby into the corner. Roode gets the advantage and starts punishing Eric with a series of dirty maneuvers such as back rakes and closed-fist punches. Not that those illegal or anything. Bobby cleans Young's clock from pillar to post, until the wily EY could turn the tables and slam his former best friend into the steel barricade. The crowd chants "you sold out, you sold out," which is fast becoming the most clichéd chant in all of wrestling. Eric and Bobby fight up the ramp where EY tries for a vertical suplex, which is reversed by Roode, sending Eric Young up toward the locker room area. Young makes it to his feet, allowing Roode an opportunity to blindside the eccentric Eric with a vicious lariat. Roode walks back toward the ring and pulls a table out from underneath, setting it up in preparation of finishing Young for the night. EY is back on his feet however, and stops Roode in his tracks before he can deliver the crippling blow. Away to commercial and back again, Eric Young is in control, using the ring as a tag team partner by hitting Bobby Roode with various knee and elbow drops on the lip of the apron. EY hits Roode with a precision-based neck breaker, playing his insanity to the crowd as the referee counts Roode down for the count. Back on his feet by six, and Bobby Roode summons an inordinate amount of energy to take on EY, but is immediately thrown into the steel steps. Bobby Roode is down once again as the referee counts. Eric Young lifted Bobby by the five count and slammed his face into the steel steps. He prepared to piledrive Roode on the steps, but was countered off and onto the floor. Roode collapsed out of exhaustion and the referee started counting both Eric and Bobby. The audience chanted "TNA, TNA, TNA," as both men struggled to regain their vertical based. Eric Young drags a steel chair out from underneath the ring, while Bobby Roode does the same from the ringside area. They collide as steel meets steel, sending them on a reverb run around the ring until both were down. Bobby Roode and Eric Young now slid into the ring, and Roode started to "Hulk Up," pulling on the ropes like the Ultimate Warrior and meeting EY in the center of the ring with Rock-like right hands. I write these reviews as I watch the action unfold in the side screen of my computer and I can honestly say that while I couldn't see the value in Bobby Roode just fifteen minutes ago, I'm starting to dig his appeal by the end of this match. Roode falls victim to Young's lunacy once more, taking a steel chair to the gut and the back before hitting the ground. EY was nearing victory until he shoved the referee, thus interrupting the count on Bobby Roode. Roode stood and hit EY with a piledriver on the steel chair, grounding EY yet again until the count of 9. When he stood, Bobby was ready with a "Roode Bomb," but EY countered with a suplex attempt to the outside. Both men ended up on the lip of the apron, and Eric Young signaled for the piledriver, but was countered by the "Roode Bomb" off the apron and through the table. Eric twitched in pain as Bobby showed no signs of life. The referee counted Eric Young out at 10 just as Bobby Roode made it to his feet at 9. This was a hell of a match.
Drew Galloway hits the arena with a microphone in hand, dressed for combat as he's wearing his ring gear rather than jeans and a t-shirt. "I feel the passion from all of you," he began. "I feel the passion from real fans of professional wrestling." Drew talks about how he use to come to Wembley Arena as a kid and wants to "feel the passion" from the crowd. He heads into the audience and stands on a chair in the first row. "This feels a little better." He says that he use to re-watch the shows at Wembley so that he could spot himself in the crowd and invites nearby fans to gather in for a "group photo." Drew begins with what he refers to as "Story time with Drew Galloway." He talks about how the fans use to have a voice in professional wrestling, but MVP and the Beat Down Clan like to play god, which hinders that voice. Before he can continue his gibberish about "real wrestling fans," MVP appears dressed to fight Drew Galloway. MVP tells Drew that he isn't "playing god—he IS god." MVP starts running down Drew's history as the "Chosen One," and says the biggest defect with Drew's act has been his lack of a brain. "You been chosen alright," MVP yelled over the deafening roar of the audience, "You been chosen by the Beat Down Clan." MVP orders his colleagues to step to the backstage area so that he can "have Drew Galloway all to himself." Away to the commercial and once we return, Senior Official Earl Hebner is the third man in the ring amongst a brawl between Drew Galloway and Montel Vontavious Porter. MVP is the first to get any sort of advantage, hitting Drew with an impressive barrage of landing drop kicks, axe handles, and questionable tactics bordering on the illegal. He choked Drew in the ropes, and slammed his face into the turnbuckle before setting up his trademark big boot. Galloway ducked the boot, and suddenly the Scotsman was on fire and in control of the match. Galloway signaled for the "Future Shock DDT," and prepared to put things away, when the rest of the BDC arrived and engaged in a three-on-one assault. The bell rings and the match will go to Drew Galloway by disqualification, but the end of the match won't stop Kenny King, Low-Ki and MVP from taking turns on attacking Galloway. They tossed him out of the ring and into the steel post where MVP and King held him in place, as �Ki prepared a running kick. Low-Ki set to strike but Samoa Joe stopped him—only to hand him the same steel pipe with which Galloway debuted last month. Low-Ki smashed him over the head as retribution, dropping him to the floor. The BDC held Drew Galloway before the television camera as blood poured from his forehead, and MVP shouted, "Welcome to Impact Drew!"
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After entirely too many vignettes and promos for the upcoming "Hair vs. Hair" match, we're finally back in the arena as Bram is on his way to the ring. Magnus enters down the ramp and invites his former-best buddy to meet him in the entryway. They engage one another and Magnus proceeds to subject Bram to the sights of the ringside area including but not limited to the steel steps and concrete floor. Every time Magnus brings the bout back inside the ring, Bram is able to take advantage. Bram tosses Magnus's skull into the canvas, effectively confusing the former TNA champion in the process. Bram pulls Magnus head-first toward the outside of the ring and continues the assault on his cranium, this time using the edge of the apron to his advantage. Back in the ring, Bram delivers a series of beautiful neck breakers on the already-injured neck of Magus until a powerslam attempt breaks the monotony. Magnus held his shoulder tight, signalling some discomfort, but still pressed on against Bram who leveled his opponent with a modified sit-down powerbomb. Bram remained in control, and upon attempting another neck breaker, was reversed into a short arm clothesline by Magnus. Bram ducked, and Magnus ran into the corner, but returned with a shot putting both participants on their backs. Both Magnus and Bram lie on the canvas, unable to move, when Mickie James runs down to ringside after being told not to interfere. She starts pounding on the canvas with her big fat arms, and gets her husband back to his feet. The brutal Brits traded shots back and forth until Magnus's technical prowess was able to best the brawling aspects of Bram's repertoire. Magus flew from the top rope with a flying elbow; just as things began to come to a close, Bram hit Magnus below the belt, ending this match by DQ. This is the second match of the night—in a row—to end by disqualification, and the third of Bram's bouts in as many weeks. Of course the bells in TNA mean just as much as the points on "Whose Line is It Anyway," so the action will of course commence with Bram tying Magnus to the rope and striking him with an inexplicable cue ball. With Magnus tied to the rope, Bram grabbed Mickie and a microphone, "I will take away everything that you love!" Bram tells Magnus that he'll only let his wife go if he kisses his boot. Magnus contemplates the consequences and agrees, although Mickie tells him not to. They reach for one another and hold hands just before Magnus makes the decision to kiss the boot of Bram. After the deed is done, Bram lets Mickie loose and leaves the ring with Magnus still tied to the rope.
The next match is an inter gender match with Brooke and Robbie E. During a time when the WWE has decided to hold back on all man-on-woman violence, it's peculiar how much it's happening in other promotions such as TNA and Lucha Underground. I really like Robbie E—he has a great personality and character, plus I think he's rather talented between the ropes. I understand why he's paired with Brooke in this program coming off of their time together on the "Amazing Race," but I really can't stand Brooke, especially in a company filled with really hard-working female wrestlers. I don't think there's any place for her. DJ Zema Ion introduces Robbie E as being from New Jersey, which earns the Bromans a ton of heat from the English audience. He also says that Robbie is undefeated against his opponent tonight, both in the ring, as well as "during their heated arguments." Robbie enters the arena with the "eye of the tiger," wearing a hood and shadow-boxing in preparation for his battle against Brooke. She comes out moving way too fast to a poorly choreographed dance routine that ends with a big wave to the audience. Nobody cares about this match, and I'm not just talking about myself, I'm referring the fans in attendance at the Wembley arena. Robbie takes a seat in the corner on a number of occasions, just as any boxer would, taking a drink of water and toweling off courtesy of Jesse Goddard and Angelina Love. When Brooke inevitably gets the upper hand, she uses her time in the spotlight to sit in Robbie's corner and drink his water. Robbie doesn't care for this course of events and hits back with a series of underhanded sneak attacks. Brooke attempts a cross-body on Robbie, but is caught in midair. With the referee distracted by DJ Z, Jesse Goddard entered the match and tried for a drop kick on Brooke, but hit his tag team partner instead. Brooke gets the win and walks out of Wembley th a victory over her ex-boyfriend.
The main event of TNA Impact tonight is the "Hair versus Hair" contest between Rockstar Spud and Ethan Carter III. Spud receives a "Rockstar" reaction from his fellow countrymen and women. TNA heads away to commercial break. Back again and Spud is in "trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble"—EC3 slowly saunters down to ringside to his rogue scoundrel theme song. He takes his time but by the moment he gets to the six-sided ring, Spud is ready to attack before the lights can ever come up. Spud is in complete control of this match, beating Carter within an inch of his life, and even biting the "third generation" Carter square in the center of his face. Spud continued the hardcore onslaught until Carter could muster a slight advantage, only to have Spud return by biting Carter's hand. EC3 and Rockstar Spud trade lefts and rights before Carter comes off with a flattening clothesline. The show goes to commercial again, but upon returning, we are met with a warning in regards to the content we're about to see. Back in the ring with Carter choking Spud on the middle rope with referee Brian Hebner ordering the break. Spud was able to separate himself from Carter with the referee in between, and used this time to build some momentum, which allowed for him to make his comeback. Spud sent Carter flying from the ring apron, and capitalized with a somersault over the top rope onto EC3. Carter climbed back into the ring and proceeded to distract the official; before Spud could reenter the ring, Tyrus appeared at ringside and power bombed Spud on the outside. Carter tried for a pin, but was unable to use Tyrus to his advantage. This kept the former Funkasaurus interested in the action, and he began to pace around in front of the ring. Mr. Anderson—close friend to Rockstar Spud—emerged from the locker room to even the odds against Tyrus and Carter. Rockstar Spud and Ethan Carter III were now one-on-one once again, as blood began to pour from the skull of Spud courtesy of EC3. His face was a "crimson mask"—to borrow a line from Gordon Solie—and when Spud fell over, his face spread a thick layer of blood across the chest of Ethan Carter. Jeremy Borash looked on from ringside, astonished at what was happening to his friend. The crowd started to chant, "you can't wrestle," which I hope was directed toward Jeremy Borash as both Ethan Carter and Spud are highly capable in-ring performers. Borash grew sick of the scene playing out before his eyes and decided to take matters into his own hands—LITERALLY. He stormed the ring behind Brian Hebner's back and delivered a debilitating low-blow to Ethan Carter. Spud sought to capitalize with a stunner of sorts for a 2 and ¾'s count. Rockstar Spud is now bleeding so heavily that Destination America is forced to turn the screen black-and-white whenever Spud is featured—I guess that accounts for the aforementioned "warning," huh? Ethan Carter is sitting in the corner, looking severely panicked, although I'm not sure if it's because he almost lost or because Spud looks like he's going to die. Ethan Carter stumbles out of the corner and hits Spud with a fireman's carry variation, dropping the dainty-yet-deadly Rockstar Spud to the canvas below. Carter proceeded to HAMMER Spud's bloody face into the canvas, leaving a visible trail of human DNA scattered about the ring. But Spud would not quit. He fought back from the ground-up until Carter was down to one knee; he hit him with kicks and clotheslines and punches and cross body's and finally grounded the silver-spoon-sucking Ethan Carter III. Spud pranced around the ring, hitting the ropes ala the Warrior, eager to kick victory's door down. Finally, Ethan was able to lock Spud in a front headlock, leaving Rockstar Spud completely vulnerable to Carter's finishing maneuver, the "One Percenter" headlock driver. Brian Hebner counted one… two… and three so that Ethan Carter III may go undefeated in both TNA wrestling, as well as Luchas de Apuestas—that's hair versus hair stuff.
As blood poured from Spud's face and dripped off of Ethan's head and neck, EC3 refused the congratulatory arm-raise by the referee, instead choosing to stare blankly ahead at the fallen Rockstar Spud. He picked up the microphone before heading to the clippers: "Rockstar Spud—without a shadow of a doubt, you have the most heart and determination I've ever seen in a professional wrestler." The crowd went wild as Spud backed into the opposite corner. "Look—I've done some heinous things to you, I've attacked you're friends. It was misguided, it was severe—I was just trying to make a statement. But there was a time when we were best friends, and I ruined that. I ruined that. Spud—in front of your home people, your mom, and your dad, you proved you belong in Impact Wrestling." Once again the United Kingdom crowd erupted, both for their local hero Rockstar Spud, as well as the otherwise genuine heel that's opted to put him over. "You proved that despite your size, your heart weighs more. You proved, there's a chance one day, you could be a world heavyweight champion. You have the intangibles, you have �IT'—I'm not going to shave your head tonight, I'm not going to embarrass you in front of your people." Spud looked on in questionable relief, as nobody believed Impact would end without somebody getting a little "something off the sides." Carter swore he was serious, "No! He doesn't deserve to have his head shaved. He belongs. He's proved he's one of you! He's proved he's a fighter! He's proved he's a tiger, a gazelle, and DAMN IT, you proved you were a man!" Carter told Spud that he knows that they can't go back to how they were, but will offer his hand nonetheless to end this on good terms. Spud walked forward and they spoke quietly to one another until Spud finally reached out and shook hands with Ethan Carter. They stood side by side with their hands held high in comradery, soaking in the shared adoration of the audience. Ethan continued with the cordial attitude, holding the ropes for Spud so that they could each exit the ring. As Spud stepped down, Carter grabbed him by the hair and dropped him in the center of the ring. "Spud! Spud! It's time to pay! Time to pay!" Carter was in fact just as disingenuous as anyone would have guessed. Josh Matthews was so angry about this, and called Carter an "S.O.B." Ethan Carter beat Spud into the "tree of woe" against the turnbuckle and proceeded to get down in his face, "Where's your mom? Where's your high school girlfriend? Where's your dad?" Ethan Carter III laughed as he shaved Spud's head with no remorse, blending the falling hair with his bloody face, giving Destination America another reason to change the color of the broadcast. "Take notice," Carter continued, "Take notice! This ring, this company, this industry, and this world—it's mine now!
This was an exceptional night for in-ring action on TNA Impact, and was paced similar to a pay-per-view with very little talking mixed in with the matches. I thought this week's episode was a step forward compared to last week, but I'd really like to start judging wrestling shows for how good they are, instead how bad they aren't. If that makes sense. Hopefully this upward momentum can continue next week, instead of tapering off as we've seen in the past. Next week's show will feature the world heavyweight championship match between Bobby Lashley and Kurt Angle. Until then, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty with "Total Nonstop Analysis," inviting you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat and to follow me on Facebook by LIKING "Mark Haggety's Pro Wrestling."
