Total Non-Stop Analysis
TNA Impact 1/16/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
The cat is out of the bag and if you aren't yet aware that TNA Impact is on Destination America, then your cat is DEAD! Suffocated by sheer lack of knowledge and not knowing that Dixie Carter and her merry band of B-level bandits have moved to Friday Nights on Destination America. After last week's abysmal performance in the ratings, one might assume the second show in the reboot might fare better now that fans are hip to when it's on. Oh but that's just the thing, they don't know when to watch it because last weeks "preview" edition was on Wednesday and this week's "official debut" is on Friday night. All jokes aside I have to give credit to the Discovery Channel and its enormous network of channels for proving good on their word and promoting their new product just as well as they do Shark Week. I got to this week's episode of Impact about twelve hours after the internet, and by the time I did I heard everything from good to bad to absolutely atrocious! When I sat down to watch it I thought it was a bit heavy on the promos, and there were a few key moments I couldn't get passed but it wasn't terrible. It was far better than what was being produced for Spike TV this time last year, so in that regard it was another step in the right direction for a company with plenty of competition nipping of their heels.
The festivities kicked off with a vignette highlighting the events of last week accompanied by more Trademarc music, and then we're introduced to Josh Matthews and Tazz in—well they aren't in New York City. They're in the TNA World Headquarters in Nashville; Tazz is wearing an inordinately large winter coat, and Josh is displaying a fist full of rings, and a sleeve of tattoos. Much different than the button-up play-by-play announcer we knew in WWE. They throw the action immediately the ring where MVP enters the Manhattan Center alongside his yet-to-be-named posse of Kenny King, Samoa Joe and Low-Ki. The fans go wild with disgust for MVP and his allies, most notably Samoa Joe and Low-Ki. "Jah can't keep a good man down," MVP erupts onto the microphone with another explosive promo beginning with a �Rastafarian-themed' singsong introduction. Kenny King is on hand wearing a long red scarf looking more like a beatnik than the "King of Las Vegas" or whatever he claims to be. MVP wastes little time in naming his group of wayward wanderers, all oppressed talent without any hope of survival except to ban together. He calls them, "The Beat Down—Clan." Or the CLAN for short. Aside from the obvious Wu Tang references implied throughout the night, when was a clan ever a popular club to be a part of? Clan is right up there with "Adolf" as far as cringe-worthy words. And I know my discomfort is more with the word "Klan," but every woman who hates the "C-word" would have just as much trouble with the "k-word," so I stand by my critique: Beat Down Clan is a dreadful name that needs to go yesterday.
MVP introduces a man who is apparently not a member of the �Clan, but an associate and the man who cost Bobby Roode the title last week on Impact—"Showtime" Eric Young. Young is met with "you sold out" chants from the hostile crowd, to which EY responds, "Just to be super clear, your opinion doesn't matter." Eric Young is a far better heel than a face, whether he's the weasely underdog we saw with Team Canada or the dominant aggressor we'll see later tonight. EY is much more believable in the villainous role, and paired with MVP and the BDC makes for a partnership similar to Owen Hart and the Nation of Domination during the Attitude Era. MVP requests the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Lashley's presence but more Trademarc music plays and we get the TNA Director of Broken Friggin Necks, Kurt Angle. Angle tells the Beat Down Clan that everybody wants to see Kurt and Joe, and that Joe wants Kurt. Angle challenges Samoa Joe to a match—tonight! Incredible, right? Well, hang on. We head into a commercial break and when we return, Kurt Angle is in a painfully outdated red, white, and blue leotard, locked up with Samoa Joe. Kurt Angle is returning to regular competition against his long-time nemesis and they started the match during the commercial? They started the match during the commercial on a taped show, and then proceeded to show clips from during the break. I'm not sure if Joe was just playing nice to protect Kurt during his recovery, but the entire match was slow and lacked any kind of climax. And then, during the match, cameras went backstage to a producer banging on Bobby Lashley's door. Is the NWO back there? Kurt hooked in the ankle lock for what seemed like an eternity and all I could think was, "there's that guy who goes to IHOP with his daughter and posts about it every Sunday." Social media has ruined Kayfabe, but that's another argument for another day. When the match ended, it was Samoa Joe whose hand was raised after making Kurt tap to a rear naked choke. The Beat Down Clan put the boots to the Director of Instagram once more, before Bobby Roode tore into the ring like a bolt of lightning across the sky, brandishing a steel chair and saving Angle.
Back from break once more and Bobby Roode is pacing around the ring until he finally delivers another excellent promo beginning with expressing his enormous level of frustration based on what happened last week. He singles out Eric Young, his former best friend and Team Canada member, "Every word that spewed out of your [Young] mouth was a bunch of BULLSHIT!" He went on to tell the New York City faithful that tonight is not about professional wrestling, a sport that both he and Eric love. No, tonight is about payback and tonight is the night that Bobby Roode will seek his revenge on the treacherous Eric Young. Back in the Nashville studios, Josh and Tazz are on hand once again to plug Saturday's debut edition of "Impact: Unlocked." Similar to last week, we get an inside look at what we might expect from this new series starring "The Professor" Mike Tenay, as this week he speaks to Magnus about his status as an "independent contractor." The backstage shenanigans continue with Rockstar Spud apologizing to Jeremy Borash for the impromptu haircut he received at the hands of Ethan Carter III last week on Impact. Rather than backing down, JB instead told Spud that his hair would grow back and EC3 was going to get what was coming to him. Back in the Manhattan Center, James Storm arrived with the Revolution and stood in the balcony under a spotlight through the entire match. The match was simplistic and predictable for a long while until about three before it came to an end. Maybe I've been watching too many junior heavyweight tag matches, but I don't get excited watching Jeff Hardy huff-and-puff as he tries to run along the top ropes. It also appeared everyone was in action for the entire match. Where was the tagging in this tag team contest? In the end the Wolves do the job to the Hardy's as anyone might expect in front of the mainstream New York City audience. Lurking backstage, Ethan Carter and Tyrus interrupt John Gaburick who's busy working in the Gorilla Position. They convince him to take a break so that they can gain control of the Impact camera operators. EC3 sets his sights on ring announcer Jeremy Borash who's now without a hat on his bald head and sitting ringside. Ethan Carter challenges JB to a match next week, and gives him a half hour to decide. Instead of talking about it later, fast forward thirty minutes and Jeremy reluctantly accepts.
It's time for the no holds barred throw-down between former champion Bobby Roode and "Showtime" Eric Young. This match was a one-sided surprise with Eric Young achieving much of the offense throughout the fight, earning a concise 1-2-3 victory in the end. What struck me was the ferocity in "Showtime" as he systematically dismantled his former best friend from start to finish. After Bobby Roode's insignificant title run, this virtual squash match to a cruiserweight-sized competitor makes me think the plan was to push EY all along. After dragging the fallen champion around the ring and introducing his skull to some of its finer points, Eric Young delivered an expert piledriver to Bobby Roode atop a steel chair for the win. MVP once again made his presence known, this time to say, "Maybe someone will take you to the hospital, but maybe not. Because you damn sure didn't visit EY when he was in the hospital." Next is Brooke, a TNA Knockout for whom I formed no opinion until she said the words, "only a classless Jersey douchebag," regarding the Kayfabe comments made by Robbie E. I was raised in the beautiful Blueberry State and I take offense to some glorified stripper running her mouth. I didn't pay any attention to the match because I was busy tweeting. The Beautiful People picked up the win and the auditorium went black, signifying the arrival of Awesome Kong. After Kong dismantle the Beautiful People and DJ Z, the music hit and Havok arrived. The stare down was imminent lasting but seconds until the animosity gave way to violence and security was forced to step in. Backstage James Storm introduces audiences to "Hoya." Storm says "Hoya" means "Lost" in Hindi. I'm not saying Google is smarter than James Storm, but the translator told me "Kho gaya" is "Lost." I hope this Hoya character improved since his days with Ring Ka King in India, because he was pretty gosh darn terrible. The match of the night was without question the X-Division championship match between defending champion Austin Aries and Beat Down Clan member Low-Ki. An awesome match with minimal interference from BDC members stationed around the ring, but interference nonetheless throughout the contest. The most prominent instance of �Clan involvement was when Kenny King served to trip an offensive Aries while climbing the ropes. This misstep caused Austin to fall onto Low Ki's shoulders where the former champion would deliver a devastating "Ki-Crusher" to win his fourth X-Division Championship.
I enjoy Montel Vontavious Porter just as much as anyone. But do I need to hear MVP talk this much over the course of one broadcast? He's by far the most talented talker in the promotion, one of the best in the world, but that doesn't mean a wrestling company needs to constantly hang its hat on talking. But sure enough the show ends with another promo by the leader of the Beat Down Clan, coming to once again beckon the TNA World Champion Bobby Lashley, whom we now know is in the building. Lashley emerges with the title, a belt MVP says belongs to the Beat Down Clan. He proceeds to list the ways in which �Clan members helped Lashley in securing the title just one week ago. Lashley tells MVP, "That's what you're about. I'm not about that." Just as things begin to heat up between two supposed friends, Bobby called MVP "Hassan," leading MVP to utter, "Oh you called me my government, huh?" Then in a surprising move to all, MVP embraced Lashey, telling him that it's okay. He then kissed the champion on the cheek and the entire BDC attacked Bobby Lashley. I mean with wrestling offense, not with kisses. To be honest, the "Kiss of Death" gimmick is cool and all, but it looked weird and didn't come off the way I assume they wanted it to. The show closed on MVP and his �Clan laying into Bobby Lashley. My biggest takeaway from the formation of the Beat Down Clan is—what the hell is Samoa Joe doing? Or rather, what is TNA doing with Samoa Joe? Joe is a former world champion surrounded by midcarders, and remains a skilled wrestler in a wrestling company that needs to refocus on wrestling. I'm hoping he continues whatever that creative curveball with Kurt Angle was, although I'd like to see the entire match sans commercials and with a better conditioned Kurt Angle this time. Once the final segment had already concluded, Josh Matthews said, "What else is going to happen?" I'm just saying, don't say that if nothing else is going to happen. On his way out the door, MVP stole the title belt from Bobby Lashley in a move ImpactWrestling.com is referring to as a "hijacking!"
In case you couldn't tell, I tried to go into this episode of TNA Impact with a good sense of humor. There were only four matches on a 2-hour card that featured three in-arena promos by MVP. It's hard to walk away with much positive to say about that, but I will try and give Dixie Carter the benefit of the doubt this week. John Gaburick and Josh Matthews aren't morons and if they're involved in the production process I'm optimistic that this initial mess of hazy booking might be leading somewhere. Maybe the combination of MVP, Low-Ki and Samoa Joe with a title they all feel justified in carrying could lead to new concepts in storytelling. Impact closed with a preview of next week's show featuring a literal street fight on the gritty asphalt of Manhattan. Also next week is the annual "Feast or Fired" tradition, so I'll be looking forward to what I'm cautiously hopeful might be a good show. Until then this is Mark Adam Haggerty reminding you to check out TNA Impact on Friday nights exclusively on Destination America.
