Total Non-Stop Analysis
TNA Impact 1/7/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
I think it's safe to say that 2014 was a turbulent time for the second most visible wrestling company in America as they struggled to find a home without losing the one million viewers they had already worked thirteen years to win. Everyone knows by now that Impact did in fact find a new home on Destination America, and things seem to be off to a good start. I didn't hear any direct mention of T-N-A except when referring to the championship titles, and that's only because they're each embroidered with three enormous diamond-studded letters, glistening under the hot lights of the Manhattan Center. Instead the product appears to now be known simply as "Impact Wrestling," a superior name as far as I'm concerned because Impact Wrestling doesn't mean, "boobs" and "butts"—uh, I like to keep things clean around here. This was a really great episode and a spectacular way to reboot the program on a brand new network. While there were a few moments when I had to rewind and say to myself, "Wait—WWE just did that," this show was well-constructed and all-together entertaining. Let's quit with the introductions and get right down to the random thoughts running �round my head in this week's edition of "Total Non-Stop Analysis."
Worried at first as to how the show would lead off, my fears rapidly retreated into my brain when Impact Wrestling began with a very well-produced montage of wrestlers preparing for the big return to television. Included therein was Bobby Lashley, Gail Kim, Samoa Joe and several others depicted in their hotel rooms just prior to the TNA Reboot at the Manhattan Center. Overtop the behind-the-scenes footage played what I believe was John Cena's rapping cousin Tha Trademarc, although I could be wrong. But given his past relationship with TNA, even performing Kurt Angle's entrance theme, I'm willing to bet that was none other than good old Marc Predka. As wrestlers arrived at the Manhattan Center a literal street fight broke out between every member of the roster including all main event talent, the Knockouts, and even Rockstar Spud! The carnage spilled inside where the live audience was excited to see a video-game style wrestling brawl come to life; more than twenty-five men and women picking their spots and opening Impact in a huge way. As security started to get a handle on the action, Executive Director Kurt Angle made his entrance asking, "Security—what do you think you're doing?" After he laid down the law declaring all TNA championships will be defended this evening, MVP wanted to know whether or not Kurt was "going to announce how he assaulted" MVP the last time they saw each other. He even went on to say, "The Kurt Angle of 1996 was an Olympic Gold Medalist. The Kurt Angle of 2015 wears a suit and tie and has no balls. Professional wrestler? Kurt—you're done." Kurt responded the only way he knew how; the first match for The New Impact of 2015 would see Kurt Angle battle MVP dressed in street clothes, in what would prove to be a thrilling contest of catch-wrestling regardless of attire. I have to give credit where it's due and congratulate MVP for training so feverishly in recent years, because the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Judo are beginning to pay off in regard to the former United States champion's repertoire. Kurt looked phenomenal as always despite being shelved for the better part of the last year, utilizing a litany of his own signature maneuvers such as The Hat Trick and even his Olympic Slam. The fans in New York City were really getting into this bout as they chanted, "M-V-Penis," toward the ring for a good three or four minutes. Of course Kurt Angle would come out on top but I'll venture a guess that 2015 could be the year we see Montel Vontavious Porter in possession of the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.
Until now we've only heard his voice but it's time to put a face to Taz's new broadcast colleague, Josh Matthews. Matthews gives a basic introduction and introduces Taz as, "a former three time world champion." Uh—okay, I guess ECW still counts. They run down the changes we the viewer might expect going forward, including a new hidden camera-feature displaying heels and heroes intermingling backstage. Matthews says they're going to pull the curtain back like never before; I guess just because something didn't work for the XFL, doesn't mean there's no hope for Impact. I give it two months before they abandon all of the "behind-the-scenes" garbage in favor of a standard broadcast, because that's what the fans have been clamoring for. In addition to seeing The Broman's paling around with Samoa Joe in the locker room, the camera gave us an unprecedented look at John Gaburick producing the show from the "Gorilla Position." Following an awesome EC3 promo we're back in instructional mode, but that's okay because this time we've got The Professor Mike Tenay telling us all about, "Impact: Unlocked." �Unlocked will be a new program on Destination America each week similar to other sports highlight shows including news, stats, opinions and interviews. Tenay gives us a sneak peak of what to expect when he sits down in an empty arena to discuss the formation of The Revolution with James Storm.
Following the prerecorded conversation between The Professor and The Cowboy, James Storm and Abyss emerged from the back to defend their tag titles against The American Wolves. I find it kind of quirky how Storm carries both belts for he and his partner Abyss, what an original concept that I don't think I've ever seen before. I'm sorry, that's rude. I don't like writing sarcastically because it doesn't translate very well to the reader, but come on! I find James Storm far more favorable-a-performer than The Miz, but the facts are clear and I'm pretty sure I saw Mike Mizanin performing this shtick starting several months back. Not a huge deal when you take into account the quality of workrate on Impact versus the more mainstream alternative. In fact if The Revolution falls flat, The Wolves are always enough to make me forget about the sad state of the WWE Tag Division. Before the bell could sound both Matt and Jeff Hardy wandered out from the locker room, presumably to scout the champions or perhaps to gain a better vantage point of Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards. The Wolves appear to have gotten some new ink since last we saw them in the six-sided ring, but the added sizzle has done nothing to hinder the flavor of the steak. I guess maybe four consecutive suicide dives performed by both Edwards and Richards was a bit much, but who's to even make that decision when the name of the game on the indie level is, "Can You Top That?" The match was on fire which is pretty cool considering the advanced ages of both Abyss and Storm when contrasted with their much younger opponents. But age isn't any more than a number, especially in the world of professional wrestling—just ask Shawn Michaels who was widely considered better in his 40's than he ever was in his 20's. That's a pretty sweet (chin music) segue into the final moment of the match—a Superkick! "The Last Call" is my favorite superkick in wrestling, and yes I'm including The Young Bucks and Adam Cole in the conversation. I just don't think anyone hits the move with more fluidity while maintaining a perfectly straight leg the way Cowboy James Storm does. A hard-contested war between the reprehensible Revolution and the former tag title holders, The American Wolves.
Ethan Carter III and his staunch sense of entitlement have returned for the year 2015, wearing the shiniest mafia suit you've ever seen in your life. I think EC3 gives what is probably the best promo in all of TNA. He's a far cry from the best wrestler on the roster, but what Carter lacks in ring presence he makes up for with cunning ingenuity. Aside from the standard retort, "No, I'm very good," every time the crowd would chant, "You suck," Ethan Carter invited the New York City fans to join him in celebrating as, "2015 is the year of our wrestling lord, EC3." I question the use of saying "fact" after every sentence because once again, I'm fairly certain somebody else has already cornered that market of the industry. But all things considered I really enjoy Ethan Carter whenever he's in possession of a microphone, so I'm inclined to ignore that. His back and forth with Jeremy Borash and Rockstar Spud was well-received, I just wish the camera didn't fail to pick up the slap from JB to EC3. I find head-shaving and hair-cutting to be a little too �rasslin' for my modern day taste but the uneven crewcut given to Jeremy Borash was quick and concise enough to ensure I didn't lose interest in an otherwise very stimulating story. I've never been a fan of Jeremy Borash and might even go as far as to say I don't like him. But given his thirteen year commitment to TNA, there are few tenured employees as beloved as Jeremy thus making him the perfect ponzi for EC3 to target.
While everything inside me says to declare Austin Aries versus Low-Ki match of the night, I'm less inclined to do so as I've seen far too much of these wrestlers in recent months. The X-Division is becoming a two-to-three man show with Samoa Joe still not cleared to compete, and I don't think the title is done any justice when it's tossed around between the same wrestlers on a semi-monthly basis. That being said you can't take anything away from either Low-Ki or Aries in the performance department. I noticed that Josh Matthews appeared very keen on getting historical statistics correct, several times referencing WWE and Ring of Honor, even referring to Austin Aries as a 3-time world champion—just like Taz, I guess. It's weird whenever I see Austin Aries in the six-sided ring because perhaps more than anyone else on the roster, I'm used to seeing him wrestle independently inside the standard squared circle. Despite an earnest effort and a highly effective "Bite of the Dragon," Low-Ki was bested by one of the greatest wrestlers on earth. Following a debilitating Brain Buster, it was only a matter of time before A-Double picked up his sixth X-Division title win.
Then there was a Knockouts Battle Royal. I don't want to be labeled a sexist but I can't stand the Knockouts Division and if being honest means being called prejudice, then I guess I'll have to make due. This isn't a discussion comparing Knockouts to Divas, this is about looking at the storylines the women in TNA are subjected to. This was a seven-woman battle royal for the Knockouts Title which in itself should be insulting, not only to the champion Taryn Terrell but to proven women's competitors such as Gail Kim and Jessicka Havok. Even the Beautiful People deserved more than they received on this landmark broadcast which brings me to another point. Why was this the designated moment to reintroduce Robbie E? I'm originally from the Great Garden State with a special place in my heart for Guido's, but I don't get the logic in allowing the Bromans to cut a promo directly before a Knockout's Title Match? Is the creative team in TNA so uncomfortable with women's wrestling that they opted to lead in with Robbie E? Nonetheless the match was terrible and paced even worse with pockets of inaction spread across the ring. It's not the women or their abilities that I loathe, but the obvious second-string approach Gaburick and his team take to some of the best wrestlers in the world. Luckily all was not lost thanks to a moment which might go down as the coolest Knockout spot in history. When Havok failed to conquer Taryn Terrell, she went wild and attacked anybody in her path—that is until the lights went out and the Manhattan Center was greeted by an unfriendly yet very familiar face. It was Awesome Kong! Returning to do damage and reclaim her Knockout Title, Kong made quick work of Havok to set up one of the biggest dream matches in women's wrestling. It was very cool to see Kia Stevens back in TNA as Kong was one of the only reasons the Knockout Division was so fun to watch.
Kurt Angle and Josh Matthews each dedicated time to declaring tonight's main event a potential Match of the Year contender—before it even happened, mind you. I didn't think that was true, in fact I had very little hope that this match would be anything more than a five minute brawl complete with inconsistent selling and outside interference from MVP. While we did see our share of Montel and his faction of masked marauders, the actual match surprised the heck out of me. Last week I released my Top Fourteen Wrestlers of 2014 and came very close to adding Bobby Lashey's name to my list. Lashley has come an exceptionally long way since his days of defending Donald Trump's head of hair from Vince McMahon, even employing what I consider the deadliest Spear in all of professional wrestling. Bobby Roode is a classic wrestler's wrestler who could be dropped down into any decade and still have an amazing career whether battling it out with Verne Gagne or Chris Candido. Roode seems to have a far superior understanding of ring psychology than does the rest of the TNA Roster. I have nothing but respect and admiration for both Bobby's but it's when their conflicting styles collide that I begin to worry as to the outcome. Bobby Lashley looks utterly ridiculous when relegated to running the ropes and selling moves such as Suplexes. All the while Roode lacks the ability and body type necessary to sell Lashley's power holds. I thought Lashley/Roode Number One sucked; I thought Lashley/Roode Number Two was a letdown; when it came time for their third encounter I had no hopes higher than what their previous bouts allowed me to expect. Once things got underway many of my fears were realized, however I was happy to see both men adapt greatly to the others' style and strength, making this a much more enjoyable match within the first few moments.
The technical end of things caught me by surprise as I didn't see this match breaking down to the mat, but that is where they stayed until the cavalry arrived around the ring. MVP returned to the Manhattan Center alongside Kenny King and two masked men that weren't going to let security stop them from entering the arena. Back in the ring Lashley's face is leaking blood from inside his mouth as he engages in battle with Bobby Roode. Once the masked men made their way onto the apron, they were revealed as Samoa Joe and Low-Ki, here to ensure Lashley walks away with the title around his waist. Just as soon as they arrived however, MVP's band of baddies was seemingly scared away by the former TNA World Champion Eric Young who came to his best friend's aid swinging a steel chair.
But this wouldn't be wrestling if everybody got along; after faking out the NYC crowd as well as Roode himself, Eric Young drilled the edge of the steel chair deep into Bobby Roode's ribs, then to his back. As EY vacated the ring, leaving MVP and his minions scattered around watching the action unfold, Bobby Lashley came to his senses and delivered the most impressive Spear you've ever seen. The referee counted one, two, three and The Destroyer Bobby Lashley is once again the TNA World Heavyweight Champion.
About halfway through the broadcast I sent a text to one of my Cheap-Heat colleagues insisting that he check out the "New TNA." His response was something to the effect of: "I just can't with TNA anymore, they've been doing the same storylines for five years." While I want my friend to give the show a chance regardless of his preconceived conceptions, I can't help but wonder how many hundreds—or even THOUSANDS of former fans feel the same way. Impact is going to have to pull out all the stops without, "jumping any sharks" if they want to survive in the most competitive wrestling environment since The Attitude Era. Nobody is going to unseat the reigning King Vince McMahon, but everyone else including Lucha Underground, Ring of Honor, and NJPW on AXS stands the same chance of stealing Impact's spot and becoming the official number two show in the country. Remember starting next week Impact Wrestling will begin airing in its normal timeslot, Friday Nights at 9PM EST on Destination America. I think the original plan was to remain on Wednesdays but now that NXT is moving to Wednesday in response to Smackdown moving to Thursday, it appears Impact went the safer route by booking on a night devoid of any in-ring competition. Wait—that means there's a new wrestling show on Monday through Friday every single week? The dream. Ladies and gentlemen as always it has been my pleasure spending some time with you here in cyberspace. My name is Mark Haggerty and I hope you'll join me again next week for another entertaining edition of Total Non-Stop Analysis.
