Welcome to another edition of the weekly series in which I banish all concepts that makes sense and delve into another head-scratching episode TNA Impact. I’m happy to be among those to announce that TNA has finally found a new home on the Discovery Channel’s very low-key ghost-hunting affiliate Destination: America. I’m a fan of Impact, despite the sarcastic tone you may sense from my delivery, and I hope that TNA can use this time as a chance to do something special with their programming going forward. I’m a few days late with this review, and it’s already been noted by several backstage sources that TNA is set to undergo yet another reboot come 2015. Well before we get to that point, how about we focus on 2014. Let’s start talking about this weeks episode of Impact and I’ll give you my Total Non-Stop Analysis.
The show kicks off with the World Heavyweight champion Bobby Roode who’s met with a somewhat uncomfortable reaction from what I can surmise. I’m not sure what it is, and it’s most likely a result of the venue’s acoustics, but nobody seemed all too overjoyed to see the 2-time champion. I find it sort of peculiar whenever a former villain begins spouting off about how much respect he has for other wrestlers, regardless of what a supposed fan favorite he’s become. More anarchy ensues that sets Roode off and next thing I know the former GM of ECW was in the ring.
You guys do realize that Taryn Terrell was formerly Tiffany, the Teddy Long-appointed General Manager of ECW? That’s right. I’m convinced that TNA’s superior female division is the result of road agents and trainers, not necessarily better talents in every case. Case-and-point are former Divas-turned-Knockouts like Taryn Terrel who’s clearly improved vastly since reemerging on Impact. Tiffany was your run-of-the-mill boring, bikini beach contest Diva with very little wrestling ability and now look at her! It goes to show that agents like Al Snow are not only willing to let these women perform at whatever level they feel comfortable, but they’re also willing to teach them some breathtaking maneuvers to set themselves apart from the WWE’s brand of women’s wrestler. Jessicka Havok is yet another wrestler in an endless line of clichГ©d TNA Knockouts that don’t quite “fit the mold.” Whether it be Awesome Kong or ODB or any number of “larger than life” ladies, TNA always seems to need atleast one Knockout that is most certainly NOT a Diva. Havok is a good wrestler, not great, but better than decent. Her stiff clotheslines and modified chokeslams always make me cringe. That’s not a slight on Havock though, moreso my lack of faith in Taryn Terrell’s ability to take the bumps. A better than average Knockout contest, and I have to say one of the best matches of the night. TNA matches all too often feel like highly orchestrated spot-fests and this had a much more organic feel to it.
More of this horrible Chris Melendez garbage. Does it make me a terrible American that I don’t want to see this man on television, like ever? As soon as his music hits I’m immediately withdrawn from the program and I’m tweeting about how this has gone far enough. I really liked it when Kenny King pulled down his boot as sort of a declaration of, “Hey look! I have a leg!” Very devious and despicable, and I couldn’t be happier with King’s ring psychology as he continues to be the ONLY credible aspect of this disgraceful program. I really hope that when TNA decides to “reboot” in January, they lose interest and pull the Chris Melendez character from TV. I just can’t get behind it, I don’t support it, I think it’s exploitative, and quite frankly I think it dishonors our country. Enough on that until next week.
EC3 should always feud with Rockstar Spud because the juxtaposition causes Carter to look enormous. At the beginning of the evening when I was starting to take my notes, I questioned whether or not Spud would be a believable Baby-face, but following this segment I’m surprised he was such a hateable heal. EC3 has one of the best promos in TNA, in the business for that matter. I like how the crowd automatically chants: “You Can’t Wrestle,” in the hope that he may respond, “No, I’m very good.” Casting Carter in this role as the dominant aggressor might seem strange given his own smaller-than-standard stature in the sports entertainment industry. But his unbridled mean streak makes for compelling television, especially when played against the comically mischievous underdog Rockstar Spud. It was almost predictable when Spud yelled, “I’m gonna kick you in the balls!” But nonetheless, I was just as excited to hear it as any 12-year-old staying up late to watch wrestling might have been. I thought the whole thing was done well, although I was a bit puzzled by the impromptu haircut. Is Rockstar Spud’s hair a thing? I guess I missed that episode.
I was a big fan of Tommy Dreamer’s House of Hardcore VII this past weekend, but Tommy is perhaps best suited for the booking office these days. I can’t be the only person who’s put off by seeing the now 40 something-year-old father of two prance around a ring full of hardware in a sweat pants. I have to say I thought him pounding his chest the way he did in the glory days of ECW, although this time shouting “TNA,” was rather enjoyable. And Bram is, atleast in my opinion, a far superior athlete to just about anyone he’s been put in the ring against so far. That’s it as far as praise for this match. TNA treats “hard-core” style bouts like Carrot Top comedy specials: they’re all about props! This match was far too fast and the high spots were delivered in a way that made continuity almost impossible. There’s also virtually no selling on anyone’s behalf. Bram or Tommy would take a bump, writhe in pain for a moment, and then get up seemingly unphased. Very much like a video game, in fact. Much more realistic than the recently released WWE 2K15, but that’s another story. Not a very good match at all, glad to see Magnus when we did–although it would be nice to see the former World Heavyweight champion highlighted in a more prominent role.
Earlier I referred to the majority of TNA matches as heavily orchestrated, and these recent multi-man X Division contests have been excellent evidence of exactly that. I’m happy to see Low-Ki win the match though, not only because he’s the most qualified, but also due to him being the least absurd person in the match. Low-Ki usually dresses like a scuba diver but tonight he went the shorts route, which really made him stand out against some elaborately colorful characters. First up we have Tigre Uno, who as far as I can tell is kind of a questionable character. What’s his deal? He’s been around for a year and he still feels like an independent contractor who’s just working a certain set number of tapings. We’ve got DJ Z, Zema Ion, who’s an otherwise accountable competitor, but I don’t think we really need the recently relinquished X-Division title associated with some comedy gimmick. Then there’s Manik, whom is perhaps the only real competitor for the belt besides Low-Ki. But Manik looks like Ninja Sharkboy, and when I’m already bitter about the technical aspects of a match, I rely solely on judging books by covers.
I really enjoy this ultra violent streak we’ve been privy to from the man sometimes known as Montel Vontavious Porter. His attack on Kurt Angle seemed a bit over-the-top, considering his demeanor just a few segments earlier in the show. Although he did call Lashley on the phone and say they’re going to, “burn this place the ground.” I guess that’s pretty aggressive. While I’m not keen on TNA banking on former WWE stars headlining in major programs against one another, both of these former superstars missed one another “up north.” Plus Kurt has been with TNA for eight years, versus the seven he spent in WWE. I thought Kurt’s closing promo was intriguing and well-worded. I like to think that TNA officials give their talent more free-range over their own character; this felt like a Kurt Angle promo.
The final moments of the show were a series of “unscripted” run-ins, we’ve got Anderson and Kenny King and Bobby Roode. Then there’s “The Destroyer” Bobby Lashley. The look in Lashley’s eye as he stormed the ring was that of utter insanity. He had the, “crazy-eyes,” if you will. A very intense last few seconds, with Lashley defending the high ground and Roode fighting the urge to engage the former champion. I generally find matches in the main event to be preferable, which is what TNA generally does better than the WWE. But this segment was explosive and as the name of the show might suggest: it made an IMPACT.
That’s it for TNA Impact for the next two weeks. They’ll return on Spike TV in December and then it’s just a month until they make their highly anticipated debut on Destination America. As a reminder, it’s actually very easy to check to see where you can find TNA come 2015. In fact, I came to discover, “Do I have Destination America?” was a pre-filled search field on Google. Until next time, I’m Mark Haggerty and this has been but a running record of my random thoughts; my Total Non-stop Analysis, if you will.
