It's been two weeks since I've been afforded any time to write my Total Nonstop Analysis column. This was much easier to get done when Impact was a Friday Night show. Now I have to write reviews for four shows in one evening, and that's not including Smackdown when I watch the Canadian version a day early. So yeah, Wednesday's are pretty damn busy! But that's no excuse. I'm back and ready to attack—my name is Mark Adam Haggerty and if you're looking for a fair and balanced look at the world outside of World Entertainment Television, then you've come to the right place!
This week's episode of TNA Impact is the annual "Destination X" extravaganza, and begins with a video highlighting the X-Division. Backstage—or in Nashville, whatever—is Josh Matthews, who is joined by the "Pope" D'Angelo Dinero, once known as Elijah Burke. Tonight will feature several championship matches, including multiple opportunities at Kurt Angle's world title. Christy Hemme introduces the opening contest as one such world championship match, but Ethan Carter enters the arena, rather than either participant. Carter is angry, because he is the official number one contender is not featured in either world title match tonight. He demands a steel chair from ringside, and "cancels Destination X," with what he refers to as "an old fashioned sit-in." Carter dares anybody to come try and break up his strike, and he is met by the world champion Kurt Angle. Kurt tells Ethan to "shut his damn mouth," and calls Carter a "whiny bitch complaining about nothing." Both men escalate the intensity to the point where EC3 is forced to retreat. It's cool, how Angle bullied the rightful number one contender out of the match. That's awesome. Instead of Carter versus Angle, a match that I for one would LOVE to see, we get ROCKSTAR SPUD versus Angle. A match I couldn't care less about. Spud traded his newly-won X-Division championship for a title opportunity in what Austin Aries introduced as "Option C." Spud makes his way to ringside and completely bypasses Carter—he means business, and stares straight ahead toward Kurt Angle. If I can be honest—I would love to see Rockstar Spud win the world title, and go on to enjoy a lengthy underdog reign ala Rey Mysterio or Shawn Michaels. But against Kurt Angle? I just don't see it happening.
Jeremy Borash makes the introductions, which is really weird, considering Christy Hemme was just inside the ring trying to do the same thing. Carter forced Christy to leave, so why didn't she return when Carter left? Why did JB do the announcement? That's a plot hole, TNA. Spud relies heavily on his speed and aerial offensive against the 1996 Olympic Gold Medalist. For those of you keeping score at home, the 1996 Summer Olympics were 19 years ago. Rockstar Spud was thirteen years old when Kurt Angle " "broke his friggin neck!" Moving on—Rockstar Spud is incredibly impressive throughout the course of this match. Anybody who knows what Spud is capable of, knows that he is a bona fied contender for the TNA World title, but I'm not sure anyone would have expected him to give Kurt Angle such a run for his money. I make fun of the "Wrestling Machine" for his age and outdated Bob Backlund presentation, but facts are facts: there aren't many wrestlers on this earth who can stand toe-to-toe with Kurt Angle. And I'm not talking about Kurt in his prime, because he's always in his prime. Even when he was 60 pounds lighter and dead-eyed from drugs and divorce, he was among the best in the world. So anything I have to say about Kurt Angle comes from a place of respect and admiration. That being said—god this fucking match sucks. Just a lot of running and diving. Nobody is running the ropes, nobody is using the ring. They're just doing moves and chasing one another. When all was said and done, Kurt Angle achieved victory following an iron-clad ankle lock, which forced the scrappy Spud to submit. Kurt Angle will keep his title belt for the time being, but whether he takes the strap back to Pittsburgh remains to be seen. Kurt will battle Austin Aries for the same championship later tonight.
Taryn Terrell arrives alongside the rest of the Dollhouse, and challenges Awesome Kong to a "Lingerie Pillow Fight." She tells Kong that if she wants a shot at the championship, then she'll need to fight her wearing a skimpy pink nighty, otherwise there's no deal. There's a quick vignette for the upcoming X-Division Championship matches featuring every high flyer left in the company—and Grado. And if you're wondering if I'm being mean, I'm not! That's how they sold Grado to us: "And Grado." Does it seem to anybody else like the X-Division title is ALWAYS vacant? All of the participants were square off in triple threat competition—the winner of those matches will then go on to compete for the X-Division title. This first match includes the Beat Down Clan's Low Ki, the Revolution's Manik, and the Menagerie's Crazzy Steve. Well—not really the Menagerie, because Crazzy Steve is the only one left. And is it Crazzy or Crazy? I know it's SPELT with two Z's regardless, but is it Crazzy like Hazy or Crazzy like Jazzy. Jazzy Steve would be cooler, I think. Low Ki is without question the favorite to win this match, as he has had the most success, not only within the X-Division, but in professional wrestling. He's the only man in the ring to have worked for TNA, WWE and Ring of Honor—where he was the first ROH World Champion. Kenny King presents an interesting dynamic in terms of Low Ki's inclusion in the competition. Both men are members of the BDC, so one must wonder if they'll make it to the finals together. And if so, will it prove beneficial to their success, or a detriment to their championship aspirations? Low Ki does in fact pick up the victory following the "Warriors Way" double foot stomp to the chest of Manik.
Grado is a very endearing character, and it's quite apropos that he became involved with the TNA main product on June 10 th of all days, just hours before the sad passing of "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. Grado is a walking, talking inadvertent homage to Dusty and his brand of Sports Entertainment. Like Dusty, Grado is just a common man—with a few extra pounds, and the love of his family and friends. I think the �Dream would really like Grado, and I hope they had the chance to meet when Grado was visiting the Performance Center several weeks back. In addition to the �Dream, Grado also reminds me of British comedy star Matt Lucas, who audiences might recognize from "Little Britain," "Come Fly with Me," and that dreadful Comedy Central series "Crod Mandoon." Like Lucas, Grado has a penchant for physical comedy and tells captivating stories just by using the expressions plastered across his face. I'm not use to putting over any aspect of TNA this much, I hope the next segment is stupid and pointless and gives me a reason to bitch.
Last week James Storm pushed Mickie James in front of a train. What? Moving on.
Up next is the second of three X-Division triple threat matches. We don't get any entrances, and once we return from commercial, this match is well underway. This is most certainly the C-String of the three matches, and features DJ Zema Ion versus Tigre Uno versus Mandrews. All three men are incredibly capable inside the ring, especially DJ Z, but I don't for one moment believe that any of these combatants will become X-Division Champion. The referee for this match is TNA Senior Official Earl Hebner. I wonder how old school referees like "Baby Earl" keep up with the fast pace of X-Division matches and the like? Now that Tommy Young is retired, it seems that Earl Hebner is the senior most referee—in the industry? This match continues as DJ Z encounters the most long term success, and even receives the added support from the audience. He hits a plancha on his opponents and falls back into a sea of wrestling fans who are happy to slap him five and yell: "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-burn!" Tigre Uno comes out of nowhere and sidelines DJ Z. He flies from the top rope, contorting himself in midair, and landed on Mandrews face with a big knee. Tigre Uno will go on to the finals alongside Low Ki, where they will wrestle—uh, that remains to be seen! Once the bell rang, Jesse Goddard made a surprise appearance and looked very impressive. The Bromans broke up just a few weeks back and Goddard dismantled his former partner Robbie E. Tonight Jesse set to dominate his former "hype man" DJ Z. He powerbombed Z, and Gorilla Press Slammed him outside of the ring. Very awesome display by a professional wrestler that I have perhaps overlooked for a long time. I'm very interested to see what comes out of Jesse Goddard in the next few weeks.
Taryn Terrell made the challenge and Awesome Kong is ready to accept! This is a "Lingerie Pillow Fight," with a bed in the ring, covered in blue and red pillows. After several seconds of anticipated delay, the music hit and Awesome Kong appeared, NOT wearing the "regulation lingerie." Terrell was angered at Kong's decision to "ruin play time," as she put it, and ordered Marti Bell and Jade to deal with the former Knockouts Champion. Kong dragged them out of the ring and wasted little time in knocking their skulls together, and fought them to the backstage area. Taryn demanded that Christy Hemme declare her the champion, but Christy refused. Brooke made her presence known and told Taryn that "having a �Lingerie Pillow Fight' for the TNA Knockouts Championship is a new low—even for her." The two Knockouts—and former ECW Diva's—exchanged bitter words, before Brooke finally set her sights on the champion. She hammered away and punished Taryn with a barrage of closed-fists, and ultimately stole her robe, exposing Taryn's lingerie.
We've arrived at the halfway point of the program—which is awesome for those of us who are typing along with the action. Bobby Roode and Austin Aries are talking backstage about Aries' championship opportunity, and Roode tells him that if he wins, he gets the first opportunity. Damn Bobby Roode is fucking obsessed with the god damn title, am I wrong? I understand that it should be every athlete's prerogative to become world champion, but there's got to be more in terms of character motivation. At least creatively, no? Maybe I'm overthinking it.
We're onto the third of three X-Division Triple threat matches, where either Kenny King or Grado will go on to face Low Ki and Tigre Uno for the X-Division championship. Either Kenny King or Grado? Yeah—Cruz isn't fucking winning. Lo siento Cubanos. Grado is the best, I'm telling you. He's a fat dude with tattoos, a fitted affixed with his name, and a goddamn fanny pack! A FANNY PACK! You had me at "fanny." This is the B-level match, coming in just under the initial bout featuring Low Ki. Kenny King is in control for a considerable portion of the match, putting the boots to both Grado and Cruz, and showing why the Beat Down Clan is as dangerous as they claim to be. Cruz is oftentimes the odd man out in this equation, but that's not to say he wasn't impressive enough in his efforts against two established performers. Cruz's mask looks like the Willow Mask. Is Cruz Willow? Like the sentient embodiment of the Willow character? I'm too high for this. Grado and Kenny King exchange shots, competing for the final spot in the X-Division finals, but it is the Scottish Playboy that earns the 1-2-3! Grado hits Cruz with a spellbinding rolling thunder and pins him square in the center of the ring. I love Grado. And I love his music.
"There's a lot of talk about how the X-Division made history. The fact that it helped TNA." After stealing a camera and making "Blair Witch" style threats backstage, Bram is now inside the six sided ring, addressing the fans in Orlando. "Slammiversary is a celebration of the history of TNA. Well you know what? I absolutely history. And also, I bloody hate the past. Which is exactly why I am calling out any past TNA star. So how about you walk your ass out here, get in this ring an fight me! The past, the present, and the bloody future will be rewritten by ME! So, who's got the balls?" I have to say, now that Bram isn't stalking Magnus, he's far more entertaining. His opponent is going to be—Crimson? Some dude named Tom follows me on Twitter and said: "I can't believe the fans didn't react to Crimson." I told Tom: "I can't believe you expected the fans to react to Crimson." For those that might not recall, Crimson is a seven-foot tall red haired Matt Morgan character with tattoos. His gimmick is the color red. You know, like the Undertaker before he was the Undertaker. In fact, I reckon Crimson is actually an Alternate-Earth Mark Calaway that never actually became the Undertaker. That's an interesting theory that I think I'll explore in greater detail in the near future. So uh—yeah, Bram is wrestling Crimson, because I guess if you're going to do the returning "star" gimmick, you've got to start somewhere. Crimson looked decent enough, starting things off with a fury of fists and a beautiful suplex, but it was only a matter of time before Bram earned the advantage. What the fuck was that guy on Twitter talking about? The fans are chanting for Crimson! Fuck you Tom! �Cause you know I'm not going to go back and delete that previous section. That would imply I plan to proofread this. Ha! Crimson locked Bram in the "Rings of Saturn," and nearly won the match, but Bram managed to make it to the ropes, forcing the break. Bram picked up the win over a returning Crimson with his "Brighter Side of Suffering" signature DDT.
We're on to the main event for the evening—the second of two world title matches, this time pitting the title holder Kurt Angle against "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" Austin Aries. Should it not be the "Greatest Man WHO Ever Lived?" That's—that's really troublesome to me. Not the fact that it's wrong, the fact that I don't know if it's wrong. I'm gonna hit up the old "Elements of Style" by Strunk and White when I'm done and I'll find out. I'll let you guys know. Brian Hebner looks like a dirty cop. You know? Like he's constantly on the take, or something? The kind of guy that keeps a secret family across the city somewhere, like in Training Day? He just looks like a creep. He looks like he lives in Florida, and that is not a good look. This match is far more enjoyable than I expected it to be, and outdid the previous match by leaps and bounds. Austin Aries is a very precise wrestler, just the same as Kurt Angle, and neither man wastes time with pointless movement. Aries is far more mat-savvy than Rockstar Spud, making this an almost even encounter between the ropes. But Aries has more than just a ground game, and proves to be more than Angle expected when he starts taking it to the record-setting TNA Hall of Famer from the top rope. Angle fights back with overhead belly to back Suplexes, and double under hook take downs, proving his prowess inside the ring. Aries takes the fight to Angle and has the champion reeling in the corner, but Angle reverses Aries' advance and applies an Ankle Lock for good measure. Aries reached the ropes, but Angle came back with an Angle slam for a near-fall.
Both men are operating on fumes, praying for the other to make a mistake before it's too late. Kurt Angle goes for his signature moonsault and misses; Aries applies "Last Chancery" to Kurt Angle, who struggles for the ropes, unwilling to tap as his face turns purple. Aries couldn't believe the intensity of Kurt Angle, but once again sought to soar from the sky. He ascended the ropes, and as per usual, Angle leapt to his feet and met his opponent on the top rope. Aries boxed Angle's ears and continued to fend off his advances until finally hitting a 450 splash for the nearest of near falls. Both men went shot for shot in the center of the ring until Aries hit a devastating Brain Buster. Angle saved himself by putting his foot on the rope, causing Aries to argue with Detective Brian Hebner, Orlando Vice. Aries hooked Angle in his own submission move, hoping to achieve victory, but was reversed into an authentic Ankle Lock from the Master. Aries rolled through again, reversing Angle's attempts, and sending him to the floor. Aries followed up with a truly suicide dive to nobody but the steel barricade. Kurt Angle rolled Aries' lifeless body back into the ring where he finally defeated Aries with the Ankle Lock. After the bell, Ethan Carter appeared and attacked Kurt Angle to close the show.
I thought this was a pretty damn good episode of TNA Impact. Let's look at the competition: Lucha Underground , Ring of Honor , NXT , and even Smackdown in various international markets. So where did TNA Impact rank? I think it could have been the best show of the night. Granted, I haven't seen Smackdown yet, but it was most certainly more enjoyable than NXT, ROH or Lucha. Just my opinion, and I'd love to get yours, either in the comments below or on Twitter!
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