For the first time since—well I was going to say BOUND FOR GLORY, but that wasn't live. Okay—for the FIRST TIME SINCE LAST YEAR, TNA is going LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW! Next Sunday is the 13th annual Slammiversary event, so the next few weeks of programming on Destination America will most certainly center around that event and the recently announced "King of the Mountain" match. Let's get right into this week's show with my weekly TOTAL NONSTOP ANALYSIS !
This week's episode of Impact opens with a Dusty Rhodes tribute video featuring his moments from the National Wrestling Alliance and his later role as part of TNA. From the Dusty tribute, we head directly into a montage of events that lead to the upcoming encounter between Kurt Angle and Ethan Carter III. We head into the Impact Zone where Josh Matthews is once again joined by the "Pop" D'Angelo Dinero. The first face we see inside the arena is that of the "Professor" Mike Tenay. For the record—Mike Tenay doesn't deserve to be part of TNA. He should be working with Jarrett, or he should be backstage at Ring of Honor, or god forbid with the WWE, but he doesn't deserve to be on a sinking ship. He's the fucking professor damn it! He introduces EC3 and Kurt Angle for their contract signing—for a match that was SUPPOSE to happen at Slammiversary, but was moved because of poor planning and lazy booking. Mike Tenay offers the microphone to Kurt Angle but Carter takes it and tells Kurt that he's prepared for this moment. "Kurt Angle, you are the best because you've beaten the best. You've beaten Heartbreak Kids and Texas Rattlesnakes. You've beaten Cerebral Assassins and Electrifying men. You've beaten Next Big Things, Ayatollahs, Nature Boys and Superstars Who were Rated R. Kurt—you've beaten Dead Men, and Immortals, and Guys You Can't Even See…" Carter continued to list WWE Superstars that Kurt has bested, all leading him to say: "They've been beaten and I haven't. And Kurt Angle—you can't beat me." With but a few more words, Carter signed the contract and handed the microphone to Kurt. Angle asks Tenay how many contract signings he's been to, and tells EC3 that "the big fights were made for Kurt Angle." He tells EC3 that he's a spoiled brat, but he's talented. "The people you've beaten—Bully Ray, Anderson, Sting, and me—that was THEN, this is NOW!" Angle went on to sign the contract and Mike Tenay announced that both men would be afforded to pick their opponent's competition, gearing up for their match in two weeks. Angle introduces EC3's opponent—the former world champion Bobby Lashley.
The next performers to arrive inside the Impact Zone are the American Wolves, who waste little time in speaking to the crowd regarding their legacy as one of the best tag teams in the world. Davey says that he and Eddie have sacrificed their bodies and have defeated legendary TNA teams such as the Hardys an Team 3D. "Our hunt," Richards exclaimed, "Has us on a quest to reclaim the World Tag Team Championships. The �Wolves are currently embedded in a program with the Dirty Heels to establish the true tag team champions; Richards and Edwards demanded the fourth match in the best of five series from Roode and Aries, but Roode had other plans. "Austin Aries isn't medically cleared to compete," Roode explained, "following his world title match against Kurt Angle." The recently injured-and-then-cleared Eddie Edwards openly mocks Aries medical status and challenges Bobby Roode to a singles bout then and there. Roode accepts, and suggests that the winner will be given the chance to pick the stipulation in their next tag match. This match is off and running, and Bobby Roode starts swinging toward Eddie, connecting with a number of closed right fists before toppling outside of the six sided ring. Edwards sends Roode into the guardrail with a suicide dive. He lands a chop before bouncing Roode's face off the apron and rolling him back into the ring. Roode connects with a kick as Edwards prepares to get back inside the ring. Edwards gains a head-of-steam with an enziguri, but immediately falters following a double boot to the face by Bobby Roode in the corner. Roode methodically controls the match and laughs at the fans cheering on Eddie Edwards, truly owning the title of "Dirty Heel." Bobby Roode hits Eddie with a front-face suplex and a running clothesline for good measure. He whips Edwards into the corner, but Edwards explosively emerges, taking down Roode. What began as an respectful competition degenerates into chaos when Davey Richards and Austin Aries become involved. Aries brings a chair down to ringside, but it's no use! Eddie Edwards rolls Bobby Roode up with a textbook Schoolboy, and earns the victory for his team. The Wolves choose "Full Metal Mayhem" for Match Four—TNA's answer to a TLC match.
From heated competition to hardcore shenanigans, it's now time for Bram. And who might this beastly Brit have on his agenda this evening? Another former TNA star, like Crimson before him—Joseph Park! That's right, the "brother" of Chris "Abyss" Park. Prior to the match, Park verbally assaults Bram who responds through sheer physicality. Bram takes him down with slap to the face and continues until he leaves the ring to retrieve a weapon. He finds a folding chair and returns, where he swings wildly at Joseph Park, missing each and every time. Park battles back, but the mild mannered "lawyer" is no match for Bram's venomous assault. Bram draws a kendo stick and table from beneath the ring and assembles the table the corner. Just as Bram gets set to deliver a crushing strike, Joseph hits him with a low blow to even the odds. Joseph Park beats Bram with the kendo stick and hits him with a chokeslam but Bram counters his further assault, spearing Park through the table. Bram is your winner in a completely useless match that didn't ever need to happen.
Backstage the Knockouts Champion Taryn Terrell announces a concept called "Double or Nothing," wherein Brooke and Awesome Kong will team up against the Doll House. If they're victorious, they each get a title opportunity. But if they lose, they'll never be allowed to challenge for the title while Taryn is champion.
We return from commercial and it's time for "Double or Nothing!" Jade and Marti Bell attack Brooke on the ramp in the midst of her entrance and Kong charges down, taking out the Dollhouse in the process. Kong rolls Jade into the ring and the match officially begins. Kong squashes Jade and Marti Bell and Brooke tags into the match. Taryn jumps onto the apron to create a distraction, which Jade uses to assume control of the match. Marti Bell builds upon the advantage by using the middle rope to choke Brooke. She and Jade double team and work to isolate Brooke from Awesome Kong. When Jade misses a dropkick, Marti Bell is there to answer with a kick of her own. The Dollhouse members exchange rapid tags; Marti uses Brooke's hand to mock a tag to Kong. Jade tags back into the match and misses a springboard moonsault, which allows Brooke the chance to finally tag out to Kong! Jade tags in Marti and Kong drives her to the mat. Kong sets up for the Implant Buster, but Jade makes the save with a dropkick. Jade and Marti attempt to suplex Kong, but she counters, sending the Dollhouse overhead instead. Brooke rushes into the ring to send Jade to the outside. Kong charges toward Marti in the corner, she counters.
Marti leaps from the turnbuckle toward Kong. Awesome Kong catches her with a chokeslam! Then, Kong tags Brooke and lifts her onto her shoulders. Brooke drops an elbow and makes the pin to earn both herself and Awesome Kong a title opportunity against Taryn Terrell.
Chris Melendez has some handicapped patriotic stuff to say. I can't get behind this guy—it's not because he's handicapped, it's just the whole "Wounded Warrior" thing. You're already on a network with country western ghost hunters; Mickie James makes country music; there are multiple cowboys and southern inspired characters—does this show really need more Americana crap? Especially when its so popular with fans overseas? I know this won't be a popular opinion, I just don't like the exploitative way TNA uses Chris Melendez and I'd just as soon not see him on television. He basically called Eric Young out for his actions in previous weeks and things got a little hairy. Eric Young called himself a "god," which I thought was pretty nifty. "I am a god—you are nobody and nothing. In professional wrestling, I am at the top Chris Melendez, and you are at the bottom." These two handicapped wrestlers—Eric Young has those white nipples, gross—will head into battle next week on the "Go Home" edition of Impact prior to Slammiversary.
I love the name "Mr. Pectacular"—I think it's the coolest. Jessie Goddard has been turning heads in recent weeks and it's not hard to see why. Jesse—although built like Brakkus—has long been considered a comedy act along with Robbie E and DJ Z of the BroMans. Tonight Jessie goes one-on-one with his former "bro," DJ Zema Ion. DJ Z flies into the ring and connects with an early takedown and pop-up dropkick. He attempts a hurricanrana which is countered into a huge powerbomb by Jessie. Jessie rakes his forearm across DJ Z's face repeatedly and throws him neck-first into the turnbuckle. DJ Z takes a nasty bump and Jessie locks in a Boston Crab, causing DJ Z to tap out almost instantly. Following the bell Jessie paces the ring and asks DJ Z if he thinks the decision was a mistake. He says the only time he felt like a loser is when he was part of the BroMans, and claims to be the driving force behind the BroMan's success. He grabs DJ Z by the throat and asks, "Do you feel that Zema, huh? Do you feel what it feels like to be a loser? Breathless. Alone? A nobody like everybody in the building?"
Jessie lifts DJ Z into a press slam. Before pressing DJ Z over his head however, their former BroMan Robbie E appeared the make the save.
I refuse to cover this storyline. The Revolution is boring. Magnus is boring. Mickie James is boring AND FUCKING UGLY. And James Storm is growing tired. It's a storyline about James Storm stalking Mickie's family. I went outside for a smoke during this segment, and once I got out there I realized I quit smoking cigarettes in April of 2014. So I headed back inside and by the time I got settled, this bullshit was over. Thank god. This is the kind of absolute garbage that is going to bury TNA.
I thought this week's main event was really good. I haven't enjoyed the constant Kurt Angle action as of late, because I feel as though Kurt is most certainly past his prime—especially when it comes to a roster of wrestlers he's been working with for nearly ten years. Bobby Lashley has truly come into his own since representing the company as its world champion several months back. I think Lashley is the kind of champion this company needs; a legitimate athlete who works MMA matches and is a serious and viable threat to the rest of the roster. EC3 backs up to the ropes when Lashley moves toward him. Earl Hebner backs up "The Destroyer." Lashley backs EC3 into the corner again, but EC3 again grabs onto the ropes. When Lashley finally gets his hands on EC3, he powers him to the mat repeatedly and nails a stiff shoulder block in the corner. EC3's sent out of the ring and when Lashley pursues him, Tyrus creates a distraction. EC3 rushes in the other side of the ring to catch Lashley with a dropkick. EC3 connects with a second dropkick that sends Lashley to the arena floor. EC3 delivers a snap suplex. EC3 rolls Lashley into the ring and applies a chokehold. Lashley battles out and comes off the ropes; EC3 counters with a dropkick. Tyrus hands EC3 a chair, but Earl Hebner takes it away. EC3 and Lashley trade blows while Tyrus mounts the chair in the corner, between turnbuckle pads. Lashley builds momentum in the meantime, connecting with a running power slam. EC3 counters a spear from Lashley, but he's caught with a spinebuster! Lashley again charges toward EC3, but EC3 moves, and Lashley connects with the chair mounted in the corner. EC3 drops him with a DDT! He makes the cover, but Lashley's out a two! Lashley sends EC3 into Earl Hebner. Earl falls from the ring and Lashley connects with a spear! Without an official, Tyrus drops an elbow onto Lashley to break up the count. He pulls EC3 over Lashley and Brian Hebner emerges from the back! Lashley kicks out a two! Tyrus attacks Brian Hebner, and then he powers Lashley to the mat again. Another official rushes into the ring to make the count – and again, Lashley's out a two! Tyrus takes out the third referee. Then he turns into a spear from Lashley! The distraction allows EC3 a chance to connect with a chair shot and the One Percenter! Earl Hebner is just back in the ring to make the count and EC3 remains undefeated!
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