Welcome back to Total Nonstop Analysis, the once-weekly breakdown of TNA Impact, featuring the highlights, lowlights, and a little bit of creative insight from yours truly, Mark Adam Haggerty. This week's episode was filmed just an hour or so before it went live, quite the departure from their usual taping schedule—which made for some absolutely incredible surprises that I don't think anybody saw coming. Was this the best episode of Impact since TNA returned from Europe? Let's get into it and find out for ourselves!
The first face we see on this almost-live edition of TNA Impact is that of TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle, who comes to the ring holding the championship belt high above his head. Tonight Kurt Angle will face an opponent chosen by the number one contender Ethan Carter III. EC3 makes his appearance alongside his bodyguard Tyrus, happy to make the introductions. Carter says that Kurt Angle is the absolute best and that's what the TNA World title represents—but Kurt is only the best for now . Kurt takes the compliment by telling Carter to shut his damn mouth, and assures him that not only will he tap next week, but his opponent will tap tonight. Kurt Angle's opponent this evening is none other than former TNA World Tag Team Champion Matt Hardy.
Sitting ringside is Josh Matthews. Is this the first time Josh has been live in the arena during a TNA show? I can only recall him inside that tiny little sound booth, but regardless, Matthews is on the scene alongside the Pope, ready to call tonight's show. The opening contest is an elimination match for the TNA X-Division Championship. The first man to arrive is the former X-Division title holder, and member of the Beat Down Clan, Low-Ki. We head into commercial and when we return, Tigre Uno is making his entrance and looking to win his first ever X-Division title. Finally is my personal favorite—the rowdy and robust Scottish Superstar, Grado. I really love Grado, and think that perhaps that point toward the heavens was in reference to another heavy-set dancing machine, Dusty Rhodes. The new X-Division title is green, and for my money, looks better than the previous installment. Low-Ki is on fire, but gets tossed to the outside so that the younger talents might take the stage. Grado heads toe-to-toe with Tigre Uno, and hits the top rope looking for a quick victory. Low-Ki takes advantage and knocks Grado was his perch; he follows up with the "Warrior's Way" double foot stomp to Grado's head, eliminating the scandalous Scott. Tigre Uno is now in singles competition with a highly decorated former champion, in Low-Ki. Low-Ki is brutal with his groundwork and strong-style offense, especially when compared to the flashy Lucha-inspired repertoire of Tigre. Low-Ki hits the top rope but Tigre counters his advance with modified "Dragonsteiner." Tigre Uno climbs the ropes on the opposite side of the ring and moonsaults onto his opponent to win his very first championship in TNA. Christy Hemme entered the ring to get a few words with the new champion. He responded in Spanish, but finished with: "This is the greatest night of my life." The fans were on their feet, cheering for the last man I expected to win this match.
Jeremy Borash is backstage and is blindsided by Bram, who issues another one of his open challenges to past TNA wrestlers. He says that he already "battered" Joseph Park and Crimson, and is looking for another "dinosaur" to wrestle either tonight or at Slammiversary. He leaves and JB receives a friendly hand on his shoulder—"It's time." It's time for another commercial, and when we return, it's time for TNA Knockouts action featuring former Beautiful best friends Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. Velvet was fired late last year during the annual "Feast or Fired" competition. If she's able to defeat Angelina tonight, she'll be reinstated as part of the TNA roster. Could Angelina Love be the most plastic looking female in professional wrestling? I think so. Velvet's new attitude is gross; Biker chicks aren't hot and if you think they are then you're a fat fucking loser. Velvet takes Angelina off of her feet almost immediately and this match is underway. Velvet introduces Angelina to every corner of the six sided ring before taking the fight to the floor. She continues to dominate the match, tossing Angelina into the ring apron, as well as the steel post. Angelina fights back, but gets sent spiraling into the steel steps before she could mount any sort of considerable offense. Angelina makes it back into the ring and uses the high ground to her advantage, baseball sliding into Velvet, still on the outside. Angelina was now in complete control and looking to send her former tag team partner packing once and for all. The tide turns however, when Velvet manages to hit Angelina with a "Stone Cold Stunner," allowing her the three second opportunity necessary to win her job back. Your winner is Velvet Sky.
The Dirty Heels are backstage cutting a promo on their opponents tonight, the American Wolves. They'll compete inside Full Metal Mayhem—TNA's answer to the TLC match. This is the next match in their overall best-of series to crown a new set of tag team champions. I enjoy the Dirty Heels, but I think that's a stupid name. I like their shirts though—still, a stupid name. Another commercial for more grilling shows and RV rental services, and we're back inside the Impact Zone and ready for the �Wolves vs. the Dirty Heels. Before the �Wolves can make their entrance, the �Heels remove all of the hardware from within the ring. The bell rings and this match is underway. So much action in here, that it's damn near impossible to call it move-by-move. The Pope says that this is "the greatest best-of-five series in the history of wrestling." The �Wolves take the early advantage and it doesn't take long for all four men to break out the weaponry. They come to blows with all matters of steel; chairs, ladders, stairs, and barricades are the tools of the trade in this most dangerous match. The �Wolves go for a double-dive to the outside, but catch a ladder in their face for the effort. A quick commercial break and this match is back with the Dirty Heels in control. They maintain the edge throughout the rest of the match, until Davey Richards counters Bobby Roode with a kick, and Eddie Edwards hip tosses Austin Aries into the ladder. The �Wolves begin to tear into their opponents with trash can lids and follow up with a successful series of double dives to the �Heels. Bobby Roode puts Eddie Edwards up for a powerbomb, and Austin Aries hits Edwards with a drop kick, sending him through the table. This match inevitably goes to the Dirty Heels. I say "inevitably" because this is a best of five series, and the �Wolves are already up to two—three would win. The �Wolves prepare for a big spot on Aries, but Bobby Roode interrupts and saves his partner. Aries rolls Eddie up and the �Heels secure a victory, tying the competition at two a piece.
Matt Hardy is backstage talking about his upcoming match with Kurt Angle. He says that he wants to prove to everybody how good he is, and looks forward to defeating the TNA World Champion. He goes on to say that he doesn't like Ethan Carter and thinks that he's an absolute piece of—that's when Carter showed up. He told Matt Hardy that if he wants a chance against the champion, then he'd better be prepared to "kiss the ring," because EC3 will be champion by the end of nextweek. Hardy says that he's already established his legacy, but questions what EC3's will be if he taps out to Kurt Angle?
Back inside the Impact Zone, the crowd is going wild, and all the Pope can say is: "What? Wait—wait—wait what?" Josh Matthews does the old: "What's going on here," gimmick, and the cameras finally reveal Jeff Jarrett and his wife Karen making their way from the crowd to the ring. Jeff is wearing a Global Force Wrestling t-shirt—tucked into his jeans. Jeff tells the fans that he received a text from TNA management, asking for a conference call. He ignored the message and boarded an airplane, and got to thinking about what exactly TNA was looking to do. He finally called them back and was asked to come back to TNA—for the King of the Mountain Match at Slammiversary. Jeff talks about his love for TNA and the history of the company, and is overcome with emotion as he hands the microphone to his wife Karen. She says that she wasn't initially sold on the brief return to TNA, but supports her husband in everything he does in life. Karen cuts an emotional promo about how she spoke with former TNA talent and current GFW member Sonjay Dutt. She says that she cried to him, about not understanding Jeff's desire to return to TNA. Sonjay replied: "You may never understand this, but he didn't go out the way he wanted to go out. No matter how bright our future is, or how good things are, Jeff didn't leave here the way he wanted. He got fired on a backstage pre-tape by Sting." Karen goes on to give Jeff her blessing; Jeff grabs the microphone and quotes a private conversation he had with Toby Keith: "You might not be as good as you once were, but once you're as good as you ever were!" Jeff vacates the ring to his TNA theme song, while Josh Matthews drops the old "never say never" cliché.
Bram is inside the six sided ring, ready to wrestle another past professional wrestler—this time it's VADER! According to Matthews, Vader was once part of Impact. According to Wikipedia, it wasn't for a very long time. But whatever. This match is pretty slow, as Vader is sixty years old. Halfway through the match, Bram removes Vader's mask, which is kind of bizarre. Vader pulls up his pants for a few moments and then hits the "Vader Bomb," which seems to cause more damage to Leon White than Bram. Bram goes for his favorite ringside weapon—that wretched wrench, and gets disqualified as soon as he introduces it to the match. Vader wins by DQ, and is ultimately saved by another returning wrestler. This time it's a far more imposing figure. It's the BLUEPRINT MATT MORGAN! Morgan enters the ring and appears to feel no pain. He hits Bram with the Fall Away Slam, and celebrates inside the ring with Vader.
Up next is Eric Young versus Chris Melendez. You want to know about it? Go watch it. I'm not going to report on this horse shit. I'm so sick of the patriotic pandering from TNA, and to a greater extent, the WWE. Melendez is not a good wrestler! Zack Gowen was a good wrestler, and he had one leg! Chris Melendez is a shitty fucking wrestler and despite his heroism within the US military, I don't want to see him. Ever. Eric Young is just as boring to me, and I think having white nipples should be considered a handicap. Eric Young gets the win—thank GOD—following a punishing piledriver in the center of the ring. Moving on.
Before the main event can get underway, a brawl breaks lose in the Impact Zone. The Beat Down Clan is going to war with members of the Rising, as they fight from the backstage area into the ring where they’re met by another surprise return, the “Mexican Superman” Hernandez! Hernandez has recently appears on Lucha Underground, but it would seem he’s free to work wherever he may choose. Hernandez has joined the Beat Down Clan and single-handedly dismantles all three members of the Rising.
Our main event this evening pits two worldwide wrestling sensations against each other in singles competition. Kurt Angle was asked to pick EC3's opponent for last week's episode of Impact, and chose Bobby Lashley. This week it's EC3's turn and as we learned earlier in the night, the number one contender has chosen Matt Hardy to take on the champion. This is a relatively back-and-forth match considering the fact that one of these individuals is an Olympic Gold Medalist and the other is uh, Matt Hardy. Angle hits Hardy with everything from swinging neck breakers to his patented belly-to-back Suplexes. Hardy is no slouch however, and puts the boots to the champion in a vicious manner that only a veteran would be able to do. Hardy hits Angle with the Side Effect, but Angle catches Hardy with an “Angle Slam,” but only for a two count. Things continue to go back and forth; Kurt catches Matt in the Ankle lock in the center of the ring, but Hardy managers to work his way out. Another belly-to-back by Angle, followed by a second. Hardy hits another Side Effect but Angle won’t be beaten by the likes of “V1.” The match was over when EC3 and Tyrus interrupted the contest, but Carter would soon regret his decision as Angle locked him in his “Ankle Lock” and forced a tap from the number one contender.
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