Total Nonstop Analysis
TNA Impact 4/10/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
Welcome one and all to another in depth discussion about a talented roster inside a six-sided-ring. I didn't really enjoy last week's episode of Impact, and there were certainly readers who didn't enjoy MY REVIEW of last week's episode of Impact. I suppose everybody is entitled to their opinion, and I respect anybody who's passionate enough to make their voice heard. That being said—this is my column and I couldn't give a fuck less what some TNA apologist has to say about how I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I do and maybe I don't, but I'm here and you're there, so know your roll and shut your mouth. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I am back once again to give my thoughts on what wound up being an entirely entertaining two hours of professional wrestling. This is "Total Nonstop Analysis" for TNA Impact on April 10th, 2015.
Are people mad that I said TNA wrestlers can't work without leaving the ring every ten seconds? You know—as I typed those words last week, I wondered if I had the RIGHT to say what I did. Me? A 150-pound speech writer enrolled in beginner wrestling classes—who am I to say the wrestlers on Impact can't do something? Once again—everybody is entitled to their opinion and if you don't like mine, then we're even. Or was it the way I continued to bury Josh Matthews for refusing to learn the meaning of the word "penultimate?" I'm honestly just trying to have some fun, and I would like to say MAYBE I was a little quick to jump on the ENTIRE roster. Let's get this show on the road shall we?
Impact begins with a red-and-black vignette featuring the Beat Down Clan and their personal battle with Drew Galloway. "You think one man is going to stand up and face this army," the words of MVP echoed against those of the "Chosen One." Tonight's episode of Impact will feature "The Rising"—Galloway's opposition to the BDC.
My favorite thing about Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is that—for the most part—it stays true to its roots as a professional wrestling program. That is why I become disenfranchised to the overall product whenever we get a show that starts with some drawn-out Monday Night-style opening monologue. There's a place for things like that—it's on WWE programming with the rest of the ENTERTAINMENT. TNA fans want wrestling, and regardless of who starts the show, they want to see that person perform rather than pontificate. The TNA World Champion Kurt Angle grabs the mic and begins to address the Orlando crowd in attendance: "I wanted to address something that's created a lot of buzz from last week's show." Kurt is cheesing from ear to ear, enamored by the adulation from his adoring fans. Kurt Angle is perhaps the last legend in Total Nonstop Action. But that's not to say they can't create a new one. "Lashley and I went to war and there were plenty of times where it could have gone either way, but being the wrestler I am, I will not back away from controversy. I'm willing to deal with it face-to-face. So Lashley, come on out here." The siren hit—a much cooler siren than the European ambulance blaring that accompanies Antonio Cesaro to ringside—and the Destroyer, Bobby Lashley, is in the building.
"You know Kurt," Bobby Lashley began. I have to say, I'm loving LASHLEY-2015, because he's finally got the kind of charisma it takes to stand toe-to-toe with an icon such as Kurt Angle. "When we wrestled last week, something didn't feel right. And I know it didn't feel right to you, right? It didn't. You didn't win Kurt. We looked at the tape in the back and you didn't win Kurt. My shoulder was up." Bobby points toward the "TNA-Tron," where it's clear Bobby Lashley's shoulder was off the mat. What's not clear however—is how in the hell Brian Hebner is still employed as a referee with Impact Wrestling. My god—if this was a shoot sport and he missed something like that—he'd be toast! Angle is an honorable champion and agrees that things didn't feel right, assuring the FORMER champion: "I will not back down from defending this title. Bobby Lashley, I beat you once—I have no doubt Ill beat you again." Lashley snickered, "Well, if you're that confident Kurt. Let's do it one more time." The crowd was already chanting for a rematch. "Alright, Angle versus Lashley," Kurt declared, "One-on-one—ONE MORE TIME—tonight!"
Before anything could become official, "Showtime" Eric Young rambled on down to ringside saying, "No, no, no!" The champion and former title holder looked at one another, unaware of what to expect from the unhinged one-time TNA champ Eric Young. "Here's what's wrong with the wrestling business today," EY immediately got my attention. "Nobody respects the rules anymore! Look at the rankings you meat-heads! I'm number one contender!" Eric walked around the ring and up the steps, but not before interacting with an unruly hillbilly at ringside. "Last week I beat Bobby Roode and I earned my spot. And Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt—I made him TAP KURT! I made him tap! I showed everyone I'm better than him. I'm a world-class professional wrestler. I'm a world-class champion. Roode and Lashley—they're losers! Back to the bottom. That's my title, you're holding my belt, I deserve it, I'm the next in line. I get the shot!" EY went wild, repeating himself to the point where I refuse to take up any more time typing his nonsense. But it was highly entertaining and served its purpose. Lashley was the first to respond: "Why don't you shut up and earn your spot?" Eric responded with an irate eye-gouge to Lashley, temporarily blinding the former champion long enough to attack the wrong man. Eric slipped out of harm's way and Bobby blindly bombarded the Olympic Gold medalist with a catastrophic SPEAR. When Lashley realized what he had done, it was too late and Eric was already halfway back toward the locker room. When we return from break, Kurt Angle is going INSANE and issuing challenges to EY—and to Lashley. "I'm Kurt Angle, the GREATEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD, and NOBODY can BEAT ME! Oh it's real! IT'S DAMN REAL!"
Gail Kim is set to compete tonight against Awesome Kong. Gail enters the arena wearing a swimsuit of sorts and Kong comes down the aisle, "from Tokyo, Japan." What? The black woman? I guess if Kenny Omega can do it, so can Kia Stevens. The winner of this match will be the number one contender to Taryn Terrell's TNA Knockouts Championship. I understand the desire to define your own division—ala the Divas—but TNA should really cut the misogynistic bullshit if they ever hope to truly distance their WOMENS WRESTLERS from whatever it is the WWE is doing. What's wrong with calling it a Women's Championship? I'm asking everybody—including both Dixie Carter and Vince McMahon—what the fuck? I'm not the biggest Ladies �Rasslin' fan in the world, but I admire what they've achieved and give them credit for working as hard as they do. So why do the companies that sign their checks relegate them to such inauspicious pseudonyms such Diva or KNOCKOUT. Okay, you guys can take this soap box away now, I'm done.
This match is off to a rough and rugged start with Kim laying into the mammoth Kong with hard front forearm smashes. Gail is perhaps the only Knockout in TNA who stands a chance against the former WWE Diva known as Karma. Things are pretty even as Gail hits Kong with her most effective offensive maneuvers, which serves to rattle the giant until she's finally able to regain her composure. Gail tries for a sunset flip but to no avail, and receives the weight of Awesome Kong across her sternum. Kong lifts Gail from the mat and tosses her back down into a Camel-Clutch. Gail fights out and uses her kicks to keep the distance, but the power of Kong is too much. She hits Gail with a hard clothesline and Gail is reeling. Awesome Kong goozles her and plants her on the canvas with a chokeslam. Kong gets a two count and goes ballistic, tearing the turnbuckle pad from the corner; she Irish Whips Gail Kim into the exposed corner, but is reversed backwards and both women tumble toward the outside. Kim and Kong reenters the ring at the three count and continue their battle back and forth. Gail tries to go shot for shot with the monstrous Kong, but is pushed back onto the canvas. Gail is back in the fight a second later, refusing to lose this war against one of her longest-running enemies. Kong goes face first into the exposed steel, but Gail is still unable to achieve victory. Kong's eyes widen—she can't believe the audacity of someone such as Gail Kim, who dares mix it up with an athlete of her caliber. Kong pushes Gail into the corner, but Gail Kim continues to fight back as much as she can until the "Amazing" Awesome Kong finally conquered the contest with a sinister sit-down Power Bomb.
We get to see a candid conversation between the "Cowboy" James Storm and his longtime friend—and wife of Magnus—Mickie James. Storm has an endearing personality, even when he's leading a cult of random ethnicities into battle against nobody in particular. Storm is eating a—pear? Maybe? Either that or an extremely dirt apple. Or a donut. Storm breaks character for a moment and tells Mickie that "I do the right thing. No man is going to hit a woman, plain and simple. That's how us Southerners are raised." They leave one another after exchanging a couple of incest jokes; Manik rolls up and asks Storm what he was doing talking with Mickie James. Storm grabs him by the head and says, "DON'T YOU EVER QUESTION ME." I enjoy the way TNA builds its characters and stories. For example, I can most certainly see Mickie James joining the Revolution at some point, which would create quite the controversy between Storm and Magnus. Whatever the case may be—it's a slow build, and I appreciate that.
James Storm told Manik to gather "the boys," because the Revolution is going to have a fight. When we return from commercial, the group is already inside the ring. The "Cowboy" is sitting on a steel chair, with Khoya, Manik, and Abyss before him: "I brought you guys out here in front of these people to make myself VERY, VERY clear." He stood from his seat and screamed in their faces, "I had a vision of a group—not a babysitters club, but—a damn REVOLUTION! I gave you guys everything that you desired, and each and every one of you guys FAILED ME." He stood face-to-face with Abyss, "And just like Sanada, who failed me one too many times, I cut him down and his name will never be spoken in this group again. Abyss! Was I the one who got pinned in the world tag team title match? I don't think so. Manik! Was I the one that lost the Ultimate X Match? I think not. And for you," now addressing Khoya, "I took you from that craphole country and I gave you everything. You were lost and I made you see the light." Storm's intensity mounted as he expertly articulated the position he was currently in: "In the Revolution, there's always room for more. But now there can always be room for one less." Storm tells the team that he is going to be in the TNA tag team tournament, and one of his followers will be his tag team partner. Referee Brian Hebner—who can't count Lashley's shoulders to the mat—runs down to ringside, and receives instructions from Storm. "The only rule, is there must be a winner."
This presumably unsanctioned competition is off and running with the veteran Monster Abyss reaping havoc on the Indian powerlifter Khoya and the indie scene darling, Manik. Abyss tosses Khoya over the top rope to go one-on-one with Manik, but Manik is ready and waiting with a steel chair. He throws the chair into Abyss's face and performs his own version of the Van Daminator. Abyss is almost impervious to the pain however and fights back, sending Manik over the top rope. Khoya returns and picks up the wooden walking staff of James Storm and just stares at it for a moment, before being blindsided by the Monster. Once again, Abyss throws Khoya over the top, and Manik is back in action again. I really enjoy TJ Perkins and Abyss, but this is one of those highly-choreographed TNA matches that seems more spectacle than sport. James Storm smacks Khoya around to revitalize him while Manik locks in an extended arm bar on Abyss. Khoya is the worst character in wrestling. There! I said it. He gets back in the ring and instead of breaking up the submission—that could in fact spell victory for Manik—he sets his sights on the wooden staff. He picks it up and presents it to the fans with a roar of enthusiasm—from Khoya, not the crowd. The crowd didn't give a shit. Even Tazz: "Alright, hit him with it." He finally smashes Abyss over the back, Manik in the stomach, and continues until he's the last man standing. Khoya gets the victory after performing the Sky High on Manik.
Khoya is literally the third best option out of three, but I presume this can go a number of interesting ways. Storm is looking to remove somebody from the Revolution, and might perhaps drop Khoya should he fail to perform when the tag team tournament gets underway.
We get a quick commercial break and once we return, it's time for MORE REVOLUTION, and the second part of the "Ghost Asylum Crossover." I'm not going to comment any further on this, in terms of providing any specific dialogue. It ended rather comically however, with James Storm perched in the top window of the barn and the Ghost Asylum guys staggering away.
Up next is the formal introduction of the "Rising"—another new stable in Total Nonstop Action comprised of Drew Galloway and—friends. "All I ever wanted to be was a professional wrestler. I started when I was fifteen years old and I'll continue until I can't walk." Drew Galloway is an extremely talented in-ring performer, who's always talking about the evils of modern day "Sports Entertainment." So why is he always on the microphone and very seldom seen inside the ring? Outside of EVOLVE, I don't think I've seen Drew wrestle twice in the last two months. He continues his usual rhetoric about how groups like the Beat Down Clan are ruining wrestling and introduces his team mates: Eli Drake and Myka AKA Camacho. Drew says that he'd give the fans the shirt off his back, and upon further consideration, removed his t-shirt and tossed it to the audience. Myka looked really great and sounded even better, despite my own reservations about how he'd play inside the Impact Zone. I'm kind of surprised his name isn't "Macacho," but that's neither here nor there. I'm a Shaun Ricker fan and he doesn't disappoint tonight as Eli Drake. He takes a few cheap shots at "Superstars" being churned out of a factory; I would like the Rising to steer clear of the WWE-bashing, if for no other reason than to focus on their REAL enemy—the Beat Down Clan. And you can't call the BDC an "Assembly-Line Stable," by any means. Drake cuts a promo like Hulk Hogan or Dusty Rhodes, telling the audience, "not to get lost in the sauce," all while making a pretty definitive point not to mess with the Rising.
Drew Galloway says that he's reaching to his brothers "out there" who are in the same position he was, and promises that there's light at the end of the tunnel. He tells MVP, "You think that you run this place, but you don't SON." The lights go down and the BDC's music hits—MVP is in the house alongside Low-Ki and Kenny King. Conspicuous by his absence is Samoa Joe, who must have left the company just before this taping. Kenny and �Ki are equipped with BDC flags similar to those you'd see in Japanese promotions. Like the Bullet Club banner Doc Gallows brings to the ring. This is a cool concept for TNA to embrace, and would have been even cooler if KHOYA didn't already bring some whack-ass Revolution flag to the ring earlier in the night. "The Rising—is that what you call this little collection of kitty cats?" The lights went up and MVP was confused. He asked Kenny King, "What was it you said THE RISING reminded you of?" Kenny laughed and said, "Kind of like a yeast infection." VINTAGE KENNY KING! The crowd is lively down in Orlando, despite the common fear that a return to the Impact Zone would be a return to lackluster ovations. I really like the BDC shirts—but I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be wearing a shirt that says Clan. Yeah—YEAH! Speaking of that, who the hell is MVP to make fun of anyone's stable name? "Let me tell you a story about the Rising and their tragic fall. But don't worry Drew, it's a real short story. And it ends TONIGHT." The Beat Down Clan issued the 3-on-3 challenge to the Rising, to which Galloway responded by counting down, "Three, two, one." When the time was up, the Rising was on the outside and going shot for shot with the BC. Security guards and officials at ringside attempt to tear the warring factions apart, all while "PENULTIMATE" Josh Matthews tries to call it like a regular match. I think that would be a good name for Josh, since he loves the word so damn much. And it's rather fitting, considering he'll probably be replaced by Mike Tenay who will remain in the TNA play-by-play driver's seat until the end of time. I'm going to try and start a trending hash tag—whenever Josh Matthews says something ridiculous, put it in quotes followed by #JustJosh. I'll retweet everyone I see, and follow whomever puts it up.
We go to commercial and when things return, it seems as though we'll get a bona fide contest between the Beat Down Clan and the Rising. After lobbying for a sanctioned contest, this match is underway beginning with Kenny King and Eli Drake. Kenny runs the ropes and Eli Drake catches him for a textbook powerslam and tags Myka. Myka is soon sent into the opposing corner, where he's matched up with the leader of the Beat Down Clan, MVP. MVP is described as a "Grizzled Veteran"; Veteran, yes—Grizzled, no. Myka hits MVP with a neck-breaker and signals for what might have been a flying head butt, but is instead sent soaring to the outside. Tazz speculates that Myka might have suffered some sort of injury, but the match will continue with MVP taking advantage. He drops Myka across the steel barricade and throws him back into the ring for a two-count. He tags Low-Ki and the BDC is in control of Myka—who is apparently the weak link of the Rising. MVP grounded Myka with a number of stiff kicks to the face, and kept him down with an expertly-applied chin lock. Myka surprised the former United States champion when he hit him with a Samoan Drop. His team mates struggled to get the crowd pumped so that maybe Myka might get energized. They clapped and cheered, and the second-generation son of Haku—adopted brother of Tama Tonga—was finally fired up! He tagged the leader of the Rising, Drew Galloway, who continued with the same momentum against all three members of the BDC. Eli Drake entered the equation and hit MVP with a—okay, let me try and explain this. It looked like it was going to be a power slam, but then he dropped him back like an electric chair drop. Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense? The Rising stood tall in the middle of the ring with their hands held high, while Tazz boasted about three "blue chip athletes." However—just as the celebration began—a masked man emerged from the crowd wearing a Beat Down Clan t-shirt. IT WAS HOMICIDE! Former Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion Homicide is back on Impact and is the new fourth member of the Beat Down Clan. I have to say, as much as I love Samoa Joe, Homicide is a much better fit for this stable. Very cool turn of events that ended in a disqualification; the Rising won, but the Beat Down Clan stood tall.
Kurt Angle is backstage giving an interview about the challenge he issued for a Triple Threat match with Bobby Lashley and Eric Young when EY comes out of nowhere, screaming about how the belt belongs to him. We return from commercial and Kurt Angle is sitting down with the doctor, who tells Kurt he can't wrestle tonight—but Kurt comes back with, "There's nothing you can tell me," and walks away.
We're in for something of a treat on TNA Impact—Davey Richards is set for singles competition, now that his team mate Eddie Edwards is on the shelf. Richards is a former Ring of Honor World Champion and can work just as well on his own as he does as part of a team. The same can be said for Eddie Edwards—which is why the Wolves are such a fantastic tandem. I would really like to see Davey Richards climb the ladder while Edwards is away, and build to a feud with his "brother," upon his return. Davey is going up against the highly impressive Zema Ion AKA DJ Z, in what begins as a glorified squash match. DJ Z gains some momentum however and puts up an impressive fight against one of the most celebrated competitors in all of wrestling. DJ Z goes for a corkscrew from the top rope and misses, giving Richards the opportunity to take advantage. The fans chant "Kill the Peacock," in reference to Zema's distinctive Mohawk; Davey Richards leaps from the top rope and misses his objective, but rolls through to absorb the impact. He hits Z in the side of the head with a stiff spinning round kick for the 1-2-3.
The Beat Down Clan is backstage chatting in the locker room about what just happened with the Rising, and spot the camera hiding in the corner. They pull the camera man in, so that instead of eavesdropping, he can get the full story. MVP introduces "his man" Homicide as an original member of the Beat Down Clan. Kenny King killed it when he referenced Homicide's 187 gimmick: "Yeah, and you don't stop, cause it's 187 on a long-haired Scot'."
Another quick commercial and when we come back to a tantalizing vignette for Jade and Marti Bell, wherein these future Knockouts are presented alongside Barbie Dolls and described as a "Doll House Production."
I'm not sure if he's not allowed in the United Kingdom, or if he's just prohibited from leaving the U.S., but Jeff Hardy is back in action alongside his brother Matt and they have their sights set on the TNA Tag Team titles. Jeff has the microphone—because, why not? "Matt, I got something man and it feels pretty good." Jeff gets the crowd to chant "Hardy's Revenge," which is just fucking stupid. The Hardy's promise the audience that they're going to do something that they've never done before, and that's win the TNA tag team championship. Matt promises to give the �Wolves a championship opportunity once they return, but before he can continue, he's interrupted by trouble—trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. Ethan Carter III is looking SVELTE—in the fashion sense—as he walks down the aisle with the imposing former Funkasaurus, Tyrus. "Matthew, Jeffrey—you want to talk about the very best in TNA?" Of course he's talking about himself, and describes the Hardy's career as "fairly adequate." He continues to get closer as he lists his own accolades; he's very upset that he has not gotten his shot at the world heavyweight title, so he's decided to turn his attention to the tag team titles. Carter introduces his partner to the Hardys and viewers around the world. Surprisingly, EC3 hasn't gone with his bodyguard Tyrus, but the maniacal Bram. Bram enters the arena and doesn't seem thrilled about teaming up with Carter; he says it makes his skin crawl, and that he hates everybody. "But luckily for you, I hate you the least. All I care about is battering these Hardy Boys and the rest of the losers in the locker room!" Carter calls himself and his partner the "odds on favorites to win." That's when Mr. Anderson made his unceremonious appearance, asking if Carter REALLY just called himself the favorite to win. "Odds on favorite to have the smallest wiener, maybe?" Anderson is also interested in the tag team titles, and has a partner of his own. Much to nobody's surprise, it's Anderson's buddy Rockstar Spud. Spud's haircut is pretty rad since losing his �do several weeks back, but I miss the old look. This segment isn't yet over; the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived Austin Aries says that he's a little greedy, "Next week I'm going to leave this briefcase at home and I'm going to focus on being the world TAG TEAM champion." He says that his partner is ALMOST at the A-Double level, a former world champion—the "IT Factor," Bobby Roode.
The main event is another world championship match, but this time it's a Triple Threat between "Showtime" Eric Young, "The Destroyer" Bobby Lashley, and the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle. TNA is awesome because they generally always adhere to entrance customs, I.E. the champion is the last man to appear. Eric Young is first, followed by the former champion, the "Future Legend" and two-combat sport athlete, Bobby Lashley. Finally is the self-proclaimed "Wrestling Machine," who just earlier tonight said that NOBODY could beat him. Kurt Angle was the first TNA world champion when TNA cut ties from the NWA, and here he is—back in Orlando—carrying the coveted gold and silver strap. Things kick off with Lashley and Angle in a one-on-one encounter as "Showtime" escapes to the outside. The two former WWE Superstars engage in a battle of technique versus brute force, while the evil Eric Young watches on from ringside. They lose interest in battling one another and take the fight to Eric, and beat him up the entry way into the final commercial on the night. When we return, Kurt Angle is dominating his opponents with German Suplexes and that's when it happened…
Josh Matthews—as if for no fucking reason—goes, "Bobby Lashley is the PENULTIMATE TNA Champion." He said it, almost with a smile in his voice. I swear to god Matthews, if you're calling me out—that's awesome, and I'll totally Mark out like a legit fan boy. Do you. I'm starting to feel like if ol' Penultimate #JustJosh Matthews wants to reinvent a word, let him do it.
Things continue inside the ring with Lashley and Kurt Angle absorbing most of the damage, while EY continues to recover from the double team assault. Lashley hits Kurt with a rolling Spear and Eric Young flies in from out of nowhere. These titans battle back and forth with all three men taking the lead, until the TNA World Heavyweight Champion finished the "Destroyer" with a BEAUTIFUL—absolutely SEXY even—moonsault. Kurt walked off during the recap, but the action continued inside the six sides with Eric Young tormenting Bobby Lashley. The deranged EY hooked the Destroyer in a Figure Four and early snapped the leg of Bobby Lashley.
An all-around good episode of TNA Impact—on a scale of 1-10 I'd generously offer this week's installment a 7.5.
Thank you for joining me and remember to check out all of my columns, countdowns and reviews here at Cheap-Heat and on Daily Wrestling News, and be sure to listen to my various podcasts each week by LIKING the "B+ Players" on Facebook. Until next time this has been Mark Adam Haggerty [@TapeTraderz on Twitter] sayin' seeya later.
