Total Nonstop Analysis
TNA Impact 4/24/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
Welcome back to Total Nonstop Analysis—the once-weekly column where I take the Cheap-Heat Universe on an in depth tour of the most recent episode of TNA Impact. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this week's edition of Friday Night Impact was dubbed "A Knight of Knockouts." I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried going in; TNA has been experiencing roller coaster ratings since debuting on Destination America, albeit with more highs than lows. I wasn't sure how an "All-Knockout" broadcast would fair, but as we found out during the opening segment—this was ANYTHING but a "Night of Knockouts."
In addition to all of the highly capable female competitors of Total Nonstop Action, tonight's Impact will also feature a TNA World Heavyweight Title Match between Kurt Angle and the number one contender, Eric Young. The show comes to us from the revamped Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida. The fans are on their feet as TNA hits the air, and the first face we see is that of the TNA Champion. Josh Matthews is flying solo again, with Taz now officially gone from TNA Impact, it would seem as though the company is in no hurry to find a replacement.
"There's been a lot going on this week, so what I'm about to do is very necessary," Kurt Angle said, lifting his belt to his shoulder. "Eric Young, get out here." I'm sort of getting sick of seeing a world title match EVERY single week, but that's just my opinion. Kurt welcomes EY to the ring—"Eric as you know I made a plea to you last week about the �Old Eric Young' returning. Putting aside the lunatic and being the guy that everybody loves. A guy that actually won this world heavyweight title—I think we caught a glimpse of him last week." Kurt Angle cuts promos like a high school guidance counselor. "So before we fight tonight, who am I going to fight?" EY took the microphone: "People been callin' me crazy my whole life. They're probably right. But that crazy took a weird turn. I was the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. And all that got taken from me Kurt, and you know what that feels like. And people started getting in my ear, and they started to tell me things—a lot of different things about a lot of different people." He compared his descent into insanity as a runaway boulder that was nearly unstoppable. "But you stopped it Kurt. You stopped it. When you turned your back on me, I didn't jump you from behind." The crowd cheered as if that's some kind of immeasurable accomplishment. "I stopped you from getting smashed with a steel chair. Hell, I stopped myself from smashing you with a steel chair! I did the right thing! Hell, you want to know who you're going to be facing tonight for the WORLD TITLE? What Eric Young will you be wrestling tonight? The best one: the REAL Eric Young." They shook hands, and Eric Young told Kurt Angle, "Let the best man win." "Hold on a second," the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived, Austin Aries arrived on the scene, "Before we make tonight's main event official, I have something I think everybody is going to want to hear." He entered the ring and removed his sunglasses. "Kurt," Aries addressed the champion, "The REAL Eric Young is the man who turned on his best friend, left him laying, and cost him the world heavyweight championship. The REAL Eric Young is a ticking time bomb who shouldn't be trusted. So don't make that mistake. In my hand is an opportunity for a shot at the world heavyweight championship that you have on your shoulder. So I'm walking out here—no games, no shenanigans—and I'm going to lay it out for you and everybody around the world. Tonight in the main event, it will be Kurt Angle defending the TNA world championship against ME—Austin Aries. Eric Young, I'm sorry, you're going to have to wait your turn, and take your crazy and do it on somebody else's time." Aries warned Angle to go in the back and to get mentally prepared for the "greatest professional wrestler walking the Earth today." Austin left the ring while Angle and Young remained, arguing over the course of events that just transpired.
After a quick break we got to the first Knockout match of the night on this—"Night of Knockouts." This was a four-way number one contender's match. The first entry is the longest reigning TNA Knockouts Champion in history, Gail Kim, who held the belt for 210 days. Next up is a record-setter herself, the 6-time TNA Knockout Champion and former member of the "Beautiful People," Angelina Love. The third participant is Brooke, a former WWE Diva and cast member on CBS's "The Amazing Race." Before Brooke can enter the ring, she's blindsided by Madison Rayne and all four women start fighting on the outside of the ring. Josh Matthews said something about how the match is already underway, although the bell never rang so—there's that. This is a tornado-style rules match where all of the participants are allowed in the ring at the same time. After a clusterful opening with everybody fighting everybody, the lines were finally drawn and Madison Rayne teamed with Angelina Love against Gail Kim. Rayne turned on Love and climbed the ropes to capitalize on Gail Kim, only to fall short of her aim. Brooke was now back in action—she's like the fucking Ultimate Warrior of the Knockouts Division, but without the athletic prowess. She just yells and runs around like a DOOFUS. Things slow down and for SOME STUPID REASON, everybody piggyback's off of the same submission maneuver; Gail hooks Madison, Angelina hooks Gail, Brooke hooks Angelina—which makes Brooke look even more foolish: "Oh those girls are doing something! I want to do it too!" How does it make any sense for these women to just slap submissions on top of submissions if they—theoretically—understand ring psychology and the basic rules of a wrestling match. Rayne is the first one to emerge from this chain-of-assholes, and immediately attacks Brooke. Both Angelina Love and Gail Kim were out of commission and Brooke hit Madison Rayne with a—uh, like an atomic drop into a face buster? And that won her the match. Brooke is the number one contender following a really terrible opening match. Why did all four women need to be involved? TNA has these multi-person matches that are so overly choreographed, that it doesn't seem like wrestling anymore. I would have much preferred to see Brooke versus Madison Rayne or Brooke versus Angelina Love. An absolutely atrocious attempt at setting the bar for "Night of Knockouts." Go ahead all of you TNA aficionados and women's wrestling revelers, tell me what a fucking idiot I am and how amazing this fatal four way women's match was. Go ahead, I'm waiting.
There's a quick backstage segment featuring the Rising. Drew Galloway and the Job Squad 2015 say that they walk down the street and have people come up to them, and tell them how they're standing up in their own lives, much the same way they see the Rising #StandUp to the Beat Down Clan. This video is littered with subliminal hash-tags, and what's the deal with TNA wanting to start a movement outside of wrestling all the time? They did the whole campaign last year where they wanted people to PUT THEIR BOSS THROUGH A TABLE. Remember? And now this? I like Camacho and Shawn Ricker, but they look fucking stupid standing alongside a former intercontinental champion that was dubbed "The Chosen One." Tonight Micah AKA Camacho will go one-on-one with an unnamed member of the Beat Down Clan. That's tonight—on "Night of Knockouts."
So I guess that match is next, because MVP is next to arrive, complete with his colorful flags and flanked by fellow BDC members. Before any member of the BDC can step forward, Micah and the Rising enter the arena. Christy Hemme introduces both teams, rather than any individual wrestlers, which is peculiar to say the least. "I've put a lot of thought into what you said," MVP began, "And you're absolutely right. There's something to be said about the honor and dignity of professional wrestling. So tonight, one-on-one match, straight up, no B.S., no games." MVP asks if Micah is "their guy," and asks for a second to take his jacket off. Micah watches each and every one of MVP's moves, much to his own detriment. Kenny King attacks and MVP exclaims, "I said it was going to be one on one, I never said it was going to be me." Vintage Beat Down Clan. Kenny has the advantage and continues the onslaught against the son of Haku, while his team mates are forced to return to the locker room. Micah is sent flying to the outside of the ring where King's colleagues could land their own shots. Referee Earl Hebner won't stand for any of that however, and Kenny is soon forced to leave the ring and handle his business on his own. After some outside antics, Kenny takes things back inside and locks Micah in a rear-naked chin lock, which Micah is ultimately able to turn into a suplex. Kenny went for his patented spin kick signature, but Micah ducked. He climbed the ropes to finish his opponent, but MVP grabbed for his leg on the outside. Micah fell from the ropes and Kenny capitalized for a near fall. Kenny hoisted his opponent onto his shoulders but was reversed. Kenny then attempted to finish Micah an alternate way—by leaping from the top rope. The second-generation wrestler was ready and turned the tables on Kenny King in mid-air. Micah got the 1-2-3 and on what would have been FOUR, was attacked by Low-Ki. The BDC and the Rising both hit the ring and battled three-on-three until Homicide appeared with the policeman's baton. He hit all three members of the Rising, and choked Micah, before turning the BDC's collective attention to Drew Galloway. Low Ki joined the fight with the lead pipe he's had in his possession for weeks. The BDC stood tall over the fallen Rising.
Drew Galloway cuts a nearly unintelligible promo backstage. "Next week is Hardcore Justice…Steel Pipe on a Pole Match." Okay so a few things about that—I find it interesting that it's a STEEL pipe, and not a lead pipe. I guess maybe because lead is poisonous and lead pipes aren't as prominent anymore. And plus, I'm pretty sure a LEAD PIPE could kill someone. I mean, yeah a steel pipe can too—but it's different. Next week is "Hardcore Justice." It's ABSURD that they're naming every single show from week to week. And a pole match? Are you SHITTING ME with a pole match? Moving on.
Up next is the "long-awaited" debut of the Doll House, a mysterious duo of Knockouts. Tonight we'll be seeing Jade go one-on-one with Laura Dennis AKA Cherry Bomb. Laura's husband is independent wrestler Pepper Parks, who just so happened to guest star on this week's episode of "Talkin' Shop." The members of the Doll House became irate when Christy Hemme supposedly said their name wrong, and insisted that she say it again. Dennis takes the fight to Jade right off the bat, amidst an uproar of "Cherry Bomb" chants from the live crowd. Jade turns the tables and Suplexes the veteran Dennis, following up with a flurry of fists. She gets a two count and becomes infuriated when she's unable to defeat Dennis. Jade's partner Marti Bell is at ringside screaming words of encouragement. There's so much screaming during women's wrestling. Jade is soon distracted and Laura is back on the offensive. She fires up and runs the ropes, but Marti Bell trips her. Referee Brian Stiffler ordered Marti to leave the ringside area; she turned and walked away, but immediately came back and attacked the official from behind. Meanwhile—inside the ring—Jade was just seconds from defeat when Marti entered and assaulted Laura Dennis. Christy Hemme confirmed with the referee, and the winner by disqualification is Cherry Bomb AKA Laura Dennis. When they heard the words come out of Hemme's mouth, the Doll House set their sights on the red-haired ring announcer. "What did you say?" Marti and Jade hit Christy in the face and Irish whipped her into the steel steps. Jade followed up with a drop kick to her face. Marti Bell licked a jawbreaker—or maybe a super ball—and placed it between the lips of Christy Hemme.
Kurt Angle and Eric Young are backstage—Kurt's sitting backwards on a folding chair like the Fresh Prince, because he's a cool dude that knows how to rap with the kids today. "Eric listen, I don't know what to say. You're the number one contender. I want you to know I had no idea Aries was going to cash in his briefcase." EY says that it should be Angle versus Young tonight; he says this keeps happened, this time with Aries, last time with Lashley. "It's the same case with me, every time. History repeating itself." Kurt gives Eric his word that he's going to give him a title shot, but Eric says he's done talking and that he doesn't know if he even wants to be there anymore.
Magnus is in the ring and says that the last few months have been some of the most intense and emotional of his entire career. He thanks the audience but says tonight isn't about him—it's about his wife Mickie James talking about the next step in her career. Magnus introduced Mickie and then that AWFUL "Hardcore Country" crap started playing. I'll be honest with you guys, I took a BONG BREAK during this part of the show and didn't care enough to copy her speech word for word. It's weird how Mickie James didn't have a Southern Accent in WWE, but in TNA she sounds—and looks like—a fat little Dixie Carter. She says that her life has a new purpose and his name is Donavan. She says that she's grateful for how loyal her fans have been throughout her career. Mickie started crying and said, "Starting tonight I'm going to go home and I'm going to be a mom." If you've been paying attention to the company Mickie's been keeping in recent weeks, it should have come as no surprise when the ominous whistle blew and the leader of the Revolution appeared in the arena. James Storm marched down to ringside with a purpose, and almost out of character considering all the crazy stuff he's been getting into as of late. "Wait are you crying? There's no crying in wrestling, we know that Mickie! Come on!" Mickie smiled, but Magnus seemed concerned that James Storm deemed it necessary to interrupt this personal moment. "You've known me for a long time, and the people that know me know I love COLD BEER, HOT WOMEN, and FAST CARS. And when I look at you—I see a woman that would rather wear cowboy boots than high heels. A woman that would rather drink wine out of a box instead of some damn fancy cup. I see a woman who will stand up for whatever she believes in no matter who she has to stand up to." Magnus is looking incredibly cross, and hasn't taken his eyes off of Storm the entire time. Storm says that he doesn't want to see Mickie go and he's pretty sure the fans don't want to see her go either. Magnus says that they appreciate his kind words, but this was a hard decision for his family to make. Storm says that he only makes easy decisions because decisions that are hard aren't worth making. Whatever the hell that means. James rallies the crowd and calls Mickie "one of the greatest performers on God's green Earth." Storm says he's not asking her to do a full-time gig or to walk away forever, he's just asking her for "ONE MORE TIME." Mickie finally agrees to one more match, and the music hits. Next up is Manik versus Davey Richards—wait a minute, they aren't Knockouts. That would mean there've only been two Knockouts Matches tonight on the "Night of Knockouts." This match has a quick start with both men exchanging shots and flying across the ring until Manik is on the outside. Davey follows behind and drags his opponent back into the match. Sources say that Davey Richards will be on the HUNT for the TNA X-Division Championship now that his partner Eddie Edwards is out of action, and Manik is putting him through his paces in what is already the best match on the show. Manik comes back at full speed and the crowd battles chant-for-chant between "Let's Go Manik" and "Let's Go Davey." I wasn't a Manik fan last year—and it was simply because his character is stupid. I love TJ Perkins and I think he's one of the best performers in the world, but the whole Manik persona never really worked with me. But he's been really cool in recent weeks, and I trust he'll continue to evolve once the Revolution angle comes to an end. He looks like "EVIL SHARK BOY." Manik continues his assault until the former Ring of Honor World Champion Davey Richards reversed the odds, and capitalized with a number of stiff kicks in the corner. Davey's arm is hurt thanks to the prerequisite efforts of Manik, but he climbs the ropes regardless in an attempt to put things away. Manik rolls out of the way and things continue at a fast pace; Davey Richards launches Manik in the air and drops him face first on the toe of his boot. He finally got the victory after his signature kick known as "Creeping Death." After the bell rang, Khoya and Abyss appeared and double-teamed Davey Richards. The Revolution are like a comic book rogue's gallery, where nobody really fits, but they make it work. Then the Hardy's music began to play, and Abyss responded to the musical cue by running up the ramp and meeting the Hardy's head-on.
Ethan Carter is backstage with Tyrus; the big man is wearing a suit jacket and black hat, and carrying red, white, and blue balloons. Ethan Carter says that he's going to make a huge announcement that people will remember just the same as the Moon Landing and V-J Day. It's refereed to as "EC3 2015."
"Ask not what EC3 can do, but what you can do for EC3! I stand here before you, not as a man, but as an ideal. Because today is a day that will live in infamy. No longer will you see EC3 as the conquering hero—which he is—you will see him as a unifier, with goals and aspirations." The fans boo Carter from the second he appears, throughout his entire speech. He might possibly be the most hated man in wrestling. "Watch as I unite the divided; those who chant �YOU CAN'T WRESTLE' and those who chant �YES HE CAN.' I stand here with a very important announcement to make as I am officially declaring myself the next TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION." Tyrus unveils a campaign sign that says "EC3 2015 for Champ." Ethan Carter says that since debuting in 2013, he has gone unpinned and unsubmitted: "That's twenty months of perfection!" He says that he's beaten every TNA Hall of Famer including Bully Ray, Sting, and the incumbent champion Kurt Angle. He calls "EC3 2015" a "grass roots campaign," and shows bar graphs and maps to support his claims: "I will defend it in orbit, I will defend it on the moon, and I will defend it on Mars— Martians take notice! I'm coming for you!" Carter finishes his speech by saying "God Bless TNA Wrestling and God Bless EC3." That's when Mr. Anderson (Anderson) showed up, undoubtedly to defend the United States somehow. I'm really getting tired of the whole "Mr. Anderson is an American Hero" storyline. Ethan tells Anderson that he wasn't invited, but Anderson says that he has a bright future. He doesn't think that Ethan Carter should be the champion though, but the President of the United States. He suggests he runs with Anthony Weiner so that they can be known as "Little Weiner and Anthony Weiner." Anderson stops messing around and flips EC3's set over, telling him "you don't win championships by politicking." Then he said it took him 11-years to win a championship. I honestly had to look that shit up. EC3 takes his jacket off and asks Anderson if he wants to see championship material. They begin exchanging blows, but the fight is soon squashed when Carter ran off with Tyrus.
It's time for the third and final female match of the evening—on this "NIGHT OF KNOCKOUTS." Taryn Terrell is defending her Knockouts Championship against the former champion Awesome Kong. There's a very well-produced vignette before either woman is introduced, wherein both participants have some interesting things to say. Even Kong. According to Josh Matthews, Taryn Terrell has been TNA Knockout Champion for 184 days—but who knows what that even means with their strange taping schedule. Taryn takes the microphone from Jeremy Borash, who's been filling in for an injured Christy Hemme, and suggests that they give the Impact Zone the match they deserve and make this a no disqualification match. I guess she gets to decide those things, because she doesn't even wait for Kong's response, and Earl Hebner doesn't seem to care either. Taryn charged at Kong as fast as she could, but was soon knocked to the outside, where she continued to mount an offense, but to no avail. Kong lifted Taryn by her feet and airplane spun her on the outside into the steel guard rail. Then Kong took two kendo sticks and started laying into the champion. Why do wrestling companies just have kendo sticks under the ring? What POSSIBLE purpose can they serve other than to have random weapons on hand? Kong shoved Terrell back into the ring and followed behind, not allowing the champion any time to regain her composure. Kong went for a big splash, but Terrell moved out of the way. After a number of drop kicks, Taryn has Kong reeling and knocks her into the corner. She climbs the ropes and follows up with a cross-body from the top. The audience began to chant "we want tables," and Taryn gave them exactly what they wanted. She pulled a folding table from underneath the ring and placed it alongside her opponent. She smashed Kong with the kendo stick and assembled the table in the center of the ring. That's when Jade and Marti Bell appeared and slowly sauntered down to ringside. Kong got the better of Taryn and sought to put the champion away, but the Doll House attacked the former title holder. Jade and Marti unleashed a number of kendo stick shots, allowing Taryn Terrell the time to reposition herself. Terrell—with the help of the Doll House—powerbombed Awesome Kong from the top rope through the table. Taryn Terrell retains and it would appear that she is in league with the Doll House. Terrell demanded the microphone: "If you mess with me, you mess with my friends. And we don't play very nice. This is OUR HOUSE. The DOLL HOUSE." Suck on that PAIGE! Very awesome match—just a cool, cool, VERY cool segment all together.
Austin Aries is speaking with another ballsy TNA camera man—who asks Aries why he's cashing in tonight. As he walks through the door from the parking lot to the arena, EY is coming through in the opposite direction with his bags packed. Magnus is backstage with the production team and asks one of the producers to follow his wife. The guy says, "Sure no problem," and a team of five TNA employees left to go spy on Mickie James.
Austin Aries makes his way to the ringside area about four minutes away from the end of the show, so the smart money is that this match isn't going to happen. Also—why would Austin Aries really want to waste his briefcase on some random night in April? Or February, or whenever this was filmed. Austin climbs between the ropes and is almost immediately attacked from behind by Eric Young. Young smashes into the "Greatest Man," knocking the briefcase away from the challenger. Young took the briefcase in his hands and struck Aries in the forehead and proceeded to pile drive him on the floor. Kudos to TNA for making the pile driver such a devastating move in the modern day. He gave Aries another on top of the steel steps, before Kurt Angle could come out to break up the madness. EY went right after Angle, driving his face into the steel, and removing the protective knee brace around Kurt's left leg. He exposed the injured knee of Angle and went after it with a steel chair. He hooked the champion in a figure four on the outside of the ring, as blood poured from the forehead of Kurt Angle.
Next week is Hardcore Justice—TNA's version of Extreme Rules. I thought this was a good show; the X-Division match was my personal favorite, but I really enjoyed the Knockout Title match as well, and even the bit at the end where Eric Young snapped. TNA can produce a quality show, but I really don't get why they opt to pigeonhole themselves by giving each week a quirky nickname. This week's TWO HOUR SHOW was titled "Night of Knockouts," but literally HALF the matches were women's wrestling matches. I guess you could count the business with Mickie James in the Knockout column, but that's going to turn into a program between James Storm and Magnus, so was it really ABOUT Mickie? Why does next week have to be Hardcore Justice? Why can't it just be TNA Impact, and have some hardcore matches? Why was tonight, "Night of Knockouts," when it was a normal program with three women's matches instead of two. A good show regardless—way better than the 3-hour RKO advertisement we got on Monday. I'll give this week's episode of TNA Impact a 7/10.
Thank you for joining me and remember to check out all of my columns, countdowns and reviews here at Cheap-Heat and on Daily Wrestling News, and be sure to listen to my various podcasts each week, ALSO available at Cheap-Heat.com. Until next time this has been Mark Adam Haggerty [@TapeTraderz on Twitter] sayin' seeya later.
