Total Nonstop Analysis
TNA Impact 5/1/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
How's it going Cheap-Heat loyalists, and welcome back to another weekly-once over where we cover the comings and goings of TNA Impact on Friday nights. Last week was the "Night of Knockouts," which opened and closed with male wrestlers fighting over the world heavyweight title. This week was codenamed "Hardcore Justice," named for the pay-per-view by the same name. Extreme Rules was this past weekend in Chicago, and since then there's been a lot of talk as to whether or not "hardcore" or "extreme" wrestling has a place in today's society. Instead of hypothesizing over hypotheticals, let's jump right into the action with this week's edition of "Total Nonstop Analysis."
The show opens with a montage of recent events including Jeff Hardy's rivalry with James Storm, the Rising's continued war against the Beat Down Clan, and the championship title picture involving the incomparable Kurt Angle and the eccentric Eric Young. Tonight's show will feature: a LADDER MATCH for the X-Division championship; a "Pipe-on-a-Pole" match between Drew Galloway and Low-Ki; Eric Young will battle Kurt Angle in a "Stretcher Match" and—"much more." This already sounds better than "Extreme Rules."
We head into the Impact Zone where the Hardy Boyz and Davey Richards are already fighting the Revolution. The six men scratch and claw their way down the entry way and to the ringside area. The show hasn't been on for two minutes and already wrestlers are being walloped with trash can lids. This is a "weapon's match"—not officially—that's just what it is, for lack of a better term. A No Holds Barred Six-Man Street Fight. Josh Matthews is back on commentary, and for the first time in nearly a month has a broadcast partner, in the legendary Al Snow. The first wrestlers to make their way into the ring are the MVP's of either team, Davey Richards and Manik. They tear it up on the canvas while the stars of the early 2000s—and Khoya—set a perimeter of destruction around the ring. Khoya is getting better, but the problem with having a show taped so far in advance, is that the last two months of Khoya have been filmed over a two week period back in March. As opposed to a live program, where you can see improvement from week to week, Khoya goes from being downright terrible to all-together decent in a 7-day span. I really enjoy Al Snow's VOICE—if that makes any sense? He reminds me of the late Lee Marshall, both in his gruff delivery as well as his impassioned choice of verbiage. Davey Richards and Manik steal the show with an impressive back and forth as well as an incredibly delayed brain buster by Richards. Matt Hardy and Abyss are the only individuals who've not made it inside the six-sided ring, and continue trading chair shots and—PIPE shots? Okay, time out! Zack Morris time. TIME OUT! We've got a "Pipe on a Pole" match later in the night. A match where Drew Galloway and Low-Ki have to climb a pole to retrieve a pipe to win the match. But Abyss just HAS a pipe? Maybe that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but the steel pipe has become part of the Rising versus the Beat Down Clan angle. It just instantly took me out of the action. Eventually all six men find their way into the ring, and perform a "Tower of Power" with Davey Richards at the top, and Khoya and Abyss on the bottom with the power bombs. I'm never a fan of moves like this. Or those double, triple, or even QUADRUPLE submission holds. What sense does it make to include your partner in the overall catastrophic conclusion of the move, when you could very well double-axe handle the competition instead? The Revolution is in control and Abyss places a steel chair on Jeff Hardy and begins to run the ropes. Jeff counters the maneuver with the business end of the chair, and won the match for his team with a Swanton Bomb from the top rope. The match concluded, and James Storm sauntered onto the stage and down to ringside, where he proceeded to tell Abyss that he "failed one too many times."
Josh Matthews and Al Snow are in the Impact Studios in Nashville, Tennessee and Al Snow is looking CHOICE. The best dressed wrestling announcer I've ever seen; he isn't wearing a suit and tie, or a glittery gold t-shirt, or even a button down like his colleague Josh. No, no, no, no, no! Al Snow is wearing a brown sports coat with a really intricate design that looks like EITHER flowers or Siamese cats. I was really stoned when I watched this, so it's probably not cats. In addition, he's got his white shirt unbuttoned at the top and is rocking a phenomenal set of spectacles. He looks like—if Gary Oldman grew a pony-tail. Josh says that he has a lot to teach Al Snow, but Al says, "You have a lot to teach me, and I think I was the one who taught you. We've had a very long relationship." Of course Al is speaking of his time as the head trainer for WWE's Tough Enough, which is how Josh broke into the business! I didn't put that together until he said it and now I'm loving the Snow and Matthews duo even more.
One of the ballsy TNA camera men has a question for Mr. Anderson [Anderson] AKA Mr.Kennedy [Kennedy], and is wondering why he interrupted EC3's announcement last week on Impact. "Oh you mean this," Anderson is holding the "EC3 for Champion" sign. But he has a sign of his own, one that he orders the camera to steer clear of for the time being. Back in the arena, Josh announces that Billy Corgan—the front man of the Smashing Pumpkins, and former owner of Resistance Pro Wrestling—was joining the TNA Creative Team, where he would also serve as a senior producer.
Mr. Anderson is in the building, wearing a blue-checkered button-down shirt—sleeves rolled to the elbow and untucked at the waist—with a bright orange tie. Who is the VISIONARY responsible for outfitting these people? I'm not being sarcastic in any way! Between Al Snow's dapper duds and Mr. Anderson's hipster substitute teacher attire, I dare say TNA is the BEST DRESSED wrestling promotion under the sun. Mr. Anderson stands behind a podium in the ring, with a poster over his left shoulder, not yet visible to the audience. I've never been a HUGE Ken Anderson fan, but he's always had his moments, and tonight was a prime example of how entertaining Anderson can be. He says that EC3 came out last week and made a speech about how he's going to be the TNA World Heavyweight Champion in 2015. Anderson says that he doesn't care about campaign promises, he only cares about "seeing EC3 get his ass whooped." He says that there's one thing he'd REALLY like to see, and says that the audience has the opportunity to help him achieve it: "Well it just so happens that…" Before Anderson can uncover his own campaign poster, Carter's music hits and the "Championship Candidate" enters the Impact Zone, flanked by Tyrus holding the "EC3 2015" sign. Anderson holds the ropes for Carter to enter, and then dances like Teddy Long to the "Trouble" theme song. Carter says that it sucks to have someone come out and interrupt you when you're trying to make a point, of course referenceing the way Anderson showed up during Carter's announcement last week. Half the crowd chants "You Can't Wrestle," while the other fights back with "Yes He Can." Carter acknowledged his supporters on TV last week, which could mean an inevitable end to the mean streak and the emergence of one of the greatest character babyfaces of all time. Anderson only picks up on the negativity: "Hey Ethan, they're saying you can't wrestle." Ethan Carter says that he is the very first person to bring politics into wrestling, which is one hell of a BOB BACKLUND of a white lie.
Anderson is playing his part perfectly; Carter says that he's destined to be the champion, and rather than tell him he's wrong, Anderson says, "Then win it." It's a lot like the Hardcore Holly/Cody Rhodes dynamic but on a much larger scale. I could very well see Carter earn the adulation of the audience, do away with Tyrus, and seek the title under the tutelage of a former champion. "Anderson, lest I remind you exactly who I am—I am the man who leaves people bloodied, and beaten in their homelands…" He goes on to describe his impressive accolades, including his feat as an undefeated professional wrestler—having never been pinned or submitted since debuting in TNA. "So you think just because you're undefeated, that you should be the champion?" Carter tells Anderson that his undefeated streak is his most prized possession and that he will never lose it. Anderson smiled and yelled, "My point exactly!" He tore the black sheet away from the easel on which HIS campaign poster rested: "MR. ANDERSON – BEAT THE STREAK!" He displayed it for the entire Impact Zone to see, and the crowd went wild. While Ethan Carter has declared 2015 as the year he'll become champion, Mr. Ken Anderson has guaranteed he will beat EC3 on next week's episode of IMPACT. Carter's last words to Anderson were reminiscent of those Walter White spoke to his brother-in-law Hank, upon Hank's first learning who Walter was: "Anderson I implore you—tread LIGHTLY .
The next match is a four-way ladder match for the X-Division Championship. The first man in the arena is the winner of British Boot Camp Season 2, Mark Andrews AKA "Mandrews." Next up is Tigre Uno, who had the displeasure of being one of the men in the ring when Perro Aguayo Jr. passed away last month. Next we have the youngest, and perhaps most brash member of the Beat Down Clan, Kenny King. And finally is the X-Division Champion, Rockstar Spud. This match gets going on the outside of the ring, when the combatants are unable to wait for the bell. Tigre Uno flies through the air in a corkscrew configuration and took out Kenny King below. Mandrews follows up with a high-risk response, and sought to introduce the ladder to the match for the first time. I believe this is the first time Rockstar Spud and Mandrews have been placed on opposite sides of the competition, however they remain loyal to a fault when doing battle with someone as manipulative as Kenny King. Kenny and Mandrews are the stars of the match from the early going, but both guys get a wake-up call from Tigre Uno, when he jumps from the top rope onto the ladder, creating a see-saw-like "uppercut effect." It was similar to the move that broke Joey Mercury's nose and sent him down a downward spiral that he almost never returned from. Mandrews and Kenny took the move correctly though, and were thus able to continue without becoming addicted to OxyContin.
Tigre Uno is the closest to the title belt when Rockstar Spud tips the ladder over and dropped Tigre into the corner, where his head bounced off of the bottom turnbuckle. Mandrews and Kenny King perform an awesome assortment of reversals onto and off the ladder in the corner, ending with Mandrews applying a lightning quick DDT. As the bout winds down, Kenny King is in control with Rockstar Spud and Mandrews reeling. He sets the ladders up as offensive tools, but Mark Andrews attempts to use the ladder for its intended purpose. He's within a fingertip of the title, when Tigre Uno performs what Paul Burchill used to refer to as a "Flip Bottom," described by Al Snow as a "Moonsault STO." Andrews and Tigre Uno were out of the match, and Rockstar Spud was now going toe-to-toe with Kenny King, trading kicks and vicious shots. Kenny climbs the ladder and Tigre Uno springboards to meet him at the top. Kenny knocks Tigre off, but that's when Spud is ready to return to action. He climbs the ladder as fast as he can, and BITES Kenny's face until he falls. Rockstar Spud was holding HIS TNA X-Division championship, when Homicide hit the ring and threw Spud down onto a diagonally-placed ladder. Kenny ascended the steps, and retrieved the TNA X-Division title. Kenny King is now a TWO-time X-Division Champion.
Al Snow and Josh Matthews are backstage and announce an "Arm Wrestling Match" as one of the options for the upcoming bout between Ethan Carter III and Mr. Anderson. Josh asks Al what he thinks, and Al prepares to arm-wrestle Josh: "Come at me bro." Josh opts NOT to "come at" Al Snow, and Al insists that the fans be allowed to vote on what kind of match THEY have.
We're back to the live audience inside the Impact Zone, and Eric Young is wheeling a really sadistic-looking stretcher onto the stage. It's like—an "American Horror Story: Asylum" stretcher. Or if you've ever seen the "Martians versus Goblins" music video starring The Game and Tyler the Creator featuring Lil Wayne. "You people thought you knew me. Kurt Angle thought he knew me. He wanted to wrestle the �REAL ERIC YOUNG.' Kurt—," he continued, "—you said winning the title changed me and it did. It showed the entire world how good I really am." Eric Young says that he's going to end Kurt Angle's career tonight. "I see a man that's hurt. I see a man that's going to GET hurt even worse!" I don't know if I really believe Eric Young is going to end Kurt Angle's 16-year professional career on a taped-episode of TNA Impact, but we shall see.
The douchebag camera man is back, and asks Rockstar Spud how he feels about losing the TNA X-Division championship. He calls them a "pack of thugs" and compares it to having your house or car broken into. He says that he was robbed; "You know what that title meant? AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Austin Aries, Frankie Kazarian—I was on that list! I worked for fourteen years to be on that list!
The next match is for the TNA Knockouts Championship, and features Brooke challenging the current title holder—Taryn Terrell. Taryn enters the Impact Zone to the "Dollhouse" theme, alongside Marti Bell and Jade. I think this is a huge improvement over the generic female empowerment country crap that use to play her to the ring. Everybody knows I'm not a fan of Brooke, but I can't fault her for her very impressive ring presence. There's not one woman on the TNA roster that can't go between the ropes. We can't have the same conversation we do while dissecting Smackdown, because even at her most annoying, Brooke has turned into a world-class performer. That doesn't mean I have to like her. She starts this match by playing to the crowd in a very engaging way. Taryn is dominating Brooke in a very intriguing way that still allows for Brooke to maintain her babyface credibility. Taryn locks Brooke in a Camel Clutch, and Brooke cries toward the crowd, just the same as Hulk Hogan. Taryn shoves Brookes face into the canvas and Al Snow says, "That canvas feels like sandpaper." Josh Matthews takes exception to Al Snow's outward exaggeration. "It doesn't feel like sandpaper, it's a canvas!" Josh laughed and upon being question as to how he knows, exclaimed, "Because I've BEEN in the ring!"
Taryn takes Brooke to task in a meaningful way by employing a litany of psychological tactics that aren't often seen in mainstream American women's wrestling. Brooke hit Taryn with an X-Factor face buster from the top rope, and prepared to follow up in the corner. Taryn fled the ring, but Brooke followed closely behind when she cross-bodied the entire Dollhouse including the Knockout's champion. Brooke was moments away from winning the title, when Marti Bell and Jade became involved. They remind me of Bambi and Thumper from the James Bond classic "Diamonds are Forever." Taryn capitalized on the interference with a Diamond Cutter to retain her championship. After the match, Taryn shoved a jawbreaker down Brooke's throat and declared that no one can beat her. "Kong couldn't beat me! Brooke couldn't beat me!" Gail Kim took exception to Taryn's behavior and arrived in the Impact Zone with Awesome Kong on her side, ready to dismantle the Dollhouse.
Up next is the "Pipe on a Pole" match between the leader of the Rising, Drew Galloway, and the ex-X-Division Champion, and member of the Beat Down Clan, Low-Ki. I think pole matches are incredibly passé, and have never been entertaining. At all. That's not a knock on TNA, it's a knock on the wrestling industry. Whether it's been a "Night Stick" or Judy Bagwell, pole matches are almost always terrible. This one kicks off with Drew getting the early upper hand over the veteran Low-Ki. He takes the fight directly to the BDC member by dropping him out of the ring and onto the steel barricade. Low-Ki is the first to introduce a foreign object; he smashes a chair across the midsection of Drew Galloway and used the steel steps at ringside as an alternate route to achieve victory. He slammed Galloway into the stairs, but Galloway was quick to come back and landed Low-Ki with a suplex from the floor ono the lip of the apron. The action made its way back inside the ring where Drew was the first man to try and retrieve the Steel Pipe on the pole. Low-Ki hit Galloway with the Warrior's way for a near-three count which was uh—surprising. Because, I thought this was a pole match. Josh immediately responded with, "You win by pin and submission, by the way! You don't get the pipe to win." They fought to the top rope and supported themselves against the pole on which the pipe was positioned. Galloway fell from the top into a Tree of Woe; Low-Ki prepared for another Warrior's Way, but was thrown off the top and into an assembled folding chair. Galloway got the steel pipe first and jumped from the top rope onto Low-Ki, but Low-Ki countered with a swift kick to the midsection. Galloway fought back however, and finished his opponent with a "Future Shock DDT" for the final three-count. The Beat Down Clan hit the ring and attacked Galloway, and the Rising were soon to follow and even the odds. We head into a commercial and when we get back, there's no mention of how the brawl was resolved.
I don't even want to talk about the hidden camera action going on with Mickie James and James Storm. Magnus asked the TNA production team to follow his wife around, and earlier today they caught Mickie at a local grocery store with her baby boy Donavon. Just then, James Storm rolled up wearing some shorts with neon sneakers. He asks to hold the baby, and the three head off into the store where James Storm tells Donavon: "We're gonna get you some cool diapers." I know he's supposed to be a weirdo, but I really like James Storm. Especially when he's holding a baby and talking about diapers. Is that wrong?
Back inside the Impact Zone, Mickie's husband Nick, AKA Magnus, is in the ring and ready to drop some truth on the fans in attendance. Before he's able to speak, James Storm makes his appearance and heads down to ringside. He's not wearing the neon sneakers, for those of you wondering. And they aren't like—British Lights or anything—they're just brightly colored. Magnus tells James that he's "starting to piss [him] off just a little bit." He goes on to tell Storm that he appreciated his help when he saved Mickie from Bram, but now he's gone too far. He said that he used the Impact Zone audience to manipulate Mickie: "She's not one of your little Revolution members. All you're trying to do is drive a wedge between me and Mickie." James tells Magnus that he isn't trying to drive any wedges, and accuses Magnus of being insecure. "So maybe, you need to go ask her these damn questions." Storm dropped the microphone and left the ring, without ever taking his eyes off of Magnus.
It's time for the main event—a STRETCHER MATCH between the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle and the evil Eric Young. Josh Matthews explains that this Stretcher match is a little bit different than the WWE version, and quite frankly, I like TNA's rules a little bit more. "There is no line that you have to push your opponent across," Josh said. "Instead, you must put your opponent on the stretcher, and strap them on. Then and ONLY then, will this match be over." Kurt Angle goes at Eric Young with utter viscosity for the first several moments of the match until Young is able to battle back and create some carnage of his own. They exchange the lead as one is able to capitalize over the other, until EY is the first man who attempts to get the stretcher. Eric attempts to piledrive Kurt Angle on the outside, but the world champion sling-shot him into the steel post and followed through with an Olympic Slam. Both men were reeling and Kurt was now in possession of the stretcher as victory was well within the sights of the Olympic Gold Medalist. He placed Eric on the stretcher but was unable to finish his adversary once and for all. The match continued and Eric Young finally delivered a piledriver to Kurt Angle, square in the center of the six-sided ring. He followed up with another for good measure and dragged Angle out and onto the stretcher. Eric placed Angle on the stretcher and strapped him in with both sets of belts. Eric Young beat the TNA World Champion in the main event of Hardcore Justice 2015.
This was a really great night of wrestling, with lots to enjoy from the Knockouts championship to an AWESOME four-way ladder match. Any main event featuring Kurt Angle is going to come up short when it's following an hour and a half of international young stars, performing at a level that Kurt Angle is no longer able to reach. On a scale from zero to ten, I'd be willing to drop a big fat EIGHT on a night that did a great job of keeping the focus on the in-ring product. Until next time this has been Mark Adam Haggerty, reminding you to keep checking out my work here at Cheap-Heat and at Daily Wrestling News; follow me on Twitter vis @TapeTraderz; and listen to new episodes of my weekly podcasts available every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday—exclusively at Cheap-Heat.com.
