Total Nonstop Analysis
TNA Impact 4/3/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
I want to start by saying: the wrestlers of TNA do not know how to work a match INSIDE the ring without leaving it every sixty seconds. Every match on this card was presented the same way. I wanted to put this first, before my elaborate introduction, because it's the most important take-away from this show.
The hustle and bustle of Wrestlemania is now six-days in my rear-view and it's time to start talking about the show that is quickly reclaiming its title as the "Second Biggest Promotion in America." My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, with you as always—minus last week's craziness—to deliver the most concise coverage of Friday Night Impact you're likely to find anywhere on the interweb. This is "Total Nonstop Analysis" for April 3, 2015.
Things kick off with an interesting vignette featuring comic book drawings of TNA wrestlers; tonight will be action-packed "from bell to bell," according to the narrator. How far has the wrestling industry fallen, when you need to hook your audience by promising, "Look, usually it's a bunch of talking and bullshit. But tonight we're actually going to wrestle." This is promised to be the final encounter between Bobby Roode and his longtime friend-turned-foe Eric Young, as they'll open the show in a "Submission Match." In addition, Magnus and Bram will go head-to-head in a "Falls Count Anywhere" match, and Kurt Angle will put his TNA World Heavyweight Championship on the line against the former champion, Bobby Lashley.
Eric Young enters the arena to a chorus of boos from the fans in Orlando, and takes possession of the microphone before his opponent can be introduced. "All good things must come to an end," EY begins, "And tonight Bobby Roode, I write the final chapter to your sad, pathetic career. No bells, no whistles, no stopping. Tonight history is written by the winners. Tonight I write your final chapter—this is the last sad story in your sad, pathetic career." I'm generally iffy on Bobby Roode, but I'm always excited to hear his theme music, which is among the most recognizable in the company. Bobby has a few words for EY as well, before this match might get underway. "Eric, you say that history is written by winners. Well, let's give a little history lesson on our story shall we? You cost me my world heavyweight championship; you tried to end my career. But since then, I've beaten you inside a steel cage, and I made damn sure that I was the LAST MAN STANDING." The crowd, though not as lively as those overseas, erupts for Bobby Roode's passionate words. "You walk around and you say that as long as you're still breathing, that I will never get another shot at the world heavyweight championship. Well I'm here tonight to make sure that this story ends forever." Eric claims Bobby can't do whatever it takes to win, but he will, "Look in my eyes Bobby! LOOK! I'm going to do whatever it takes. Tonight, I'm going to make you submit. I am going to BREAK YOUR WILL! I'm going to bend you to
my
will. Tonight Bobby Roode, I'm going to make you tap." Bobby promises to make Eric cry, "like the little bitch that he is," and charges the run at full speed, gunning for Eric Young.
Like most matches on Impact, this battle begins on the outside of the ring, with both men fighting into and around the nearby guardrail, until finally getting inside the six-sided ring. Bobby maintains control from the early going, punishing EY as best he can. He crotches the former champion on the top rope, sending EY tumbling back to the outside. Bobby Roode follows behind and gets caught by Eric Young who capitalizes on an unsuspecting Roode with a thumb to the eye. Back into the ring again and EY keeps Roode right where he wants him, and escapes to the ringside area whenever he fears he might be in trouble. As Eric seemingly begins to retreat toward the back, Roode comes flying down the ramp and clotheslines Young down onto the ground. He locks him in a submission before returning to the ring once again. The action goes back and forth with either man earning a considerable advantage, until Bobby Roode suffers what appears to be an injury to his left knee. He hits EY with a Spine Buster and struggles to stand as the crowd chants, "Bobby," in rapid succession. Away to the commercial and once we return, Eric Young is in control and has an injured-Bobby Roode tied up in a "leg-lace/leg-bar" according to Tazz. As annoying as I might find the "Human Suplex Machine," he's usually good for a handful of valuable insights on each broadcast, which is more than can be said for his partner, Josh Matthews. Eric Young continues the torment, using the ring post to further stretch the battered knee of Bobby Roode. By this point, the action is becoming a bit predictable; now Roode is back in control, following a race around and into the ring. I don't know why TNA wrestlers feel the need to leave the ring so often—what is this—WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2006? Which for the record, was my favorite in the series and perhaps my favorite wrestling video game of all time. Bobby Roode and Eric Young are striking one another in the center of the ring with hard rights and lefts. Young hooked Roode in the Figure Four Leg-lock, however the move was flipped, theoretically causing the pressure to shift the opposite way. They both returned to their feet, where EY attempted a second Figure Four, only to be kicked away and into the official, Brian Hebner. Bobby Roode used this opening to apply a "crippling" cross face to Eric Young, the likes of which caused EY to tap almost immediately. Brian Hebner however, was still shaking away the cobwebs caused by the recent collision, and wasn't able to see EY submit. Roode stood up to check on the referee, and the evil Eric Young caught him with a spinning heel kick. EY slid his shin guard around to the back of his leg and reapplied the Figure Four so that the hard edge of the pad was digging into the injured knee of Bobby Roode. Bobby Roode had no choice but to tap out, in order to save his leg and his career.
As the match ends, we see backstage shots of Bobby Lashley entering the building and once again Josh Matthews refers to him as the "penultimate" world champion. It sounds like Josh just learned the word "penultimate," and wants to use it as much as possible. He's simply using the word incorrectly, as a placeholder for the very opportune adjective "former." The TNA World Heavyweight Championship has not been retired by Kurt Angle, so save your misuse of the English language for the day the company actually closes. Believe me, there's a strong case to be made that Bobby Lashley will in fact be the second-to-last TNA champion EVER—but try to see the glass as half full, and stick to words with which you're familiar. Kurt Angle also enters the building, but he's dressed like my dad at the beach. He's even pulling a rolling suitcase that could just as well be a cooler.
We're back inside the "Impact Zone," and the American Wolves—Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards—are on their way to the ring with the TNA world tag team titles. Eddie Edwards is on crutches, stemming from a legitimate injury suffered—well who knows when it was suffered? This episode was filmed a month ago, for all we know, he could be back in the ring by the time I'm done typing. They get to the ring and chit-chat with Jeremy Borash as to the current state of their team and the tag titles. "Davey Richards, Eddie Edwards—obviously sustaining an injury," Jeremy began, "Any updates on your condition." The fans began to chant for the Wolves, as Eddie Edwards prepared to speak, "You know JB, professional wrestling is a very, very dangerous sport. Any time one of us comes out here, we risk injury. And well, me and Davey—we like to push it to the limit. We like to test ourselves. And uh—this time it caught up to me." He explained how and when the injury occurred, describing a leap to the outside and knowing that something was wrong. "We didn't know how bad it was until we went to the hospital, got the X-Rays, and I found out that I fractured my heel. It basically broke in half, JB." Eddie looked down, unable to continue as the fans chanted specifically for "Eddie Edwards." Emotion overcame the injured �Wolf,' who solemnly informed a seemingly sell-out crowd that he would "be out for a long time." The Wolves admit that they are unable to defend their championships, which turns the audience angry and causes Edwards' partner Davey Richards to look wholly disappointed. Borash asked Richards if he had put any thought into a new tag team partner. "That's all I think about. That's all me and him talk about. But me and this guy, we're more than just tag partners. Like these fans, me and this guy, we're family. We started this journey together. We lived in those horrible Japanese Dojos, we did those terrible arenas down in Mexico, the Coronado Circus in England, all for one reason brother! To stand with our �Wolves Nation' and say that we are the BEST TAG TEAM IN THE WORLD!" The crowd cheers openly for Davey Richards' heartfelt testimony, standing on their feet from the front row to the top balcony—clapping and stomping away in the rhythm of "Wolves, Wolves, Wolves." Richards continued, "But us Wolves, we hunt in packs. And without Davey Richards, there is no Wolves. Without the �Wolves Nation,' there is no Wolves. And without Eddie Edwards, there is no Wolves. So we have decided that until my brother comes back and we can fight, and we can be the fighting champions that our �Nation deserves, we will relinquish the world tag team titles." Davey Richards put his championship belt in one corner of the six sided-ring, and his partners in another. "However know this," Richards continued, with a furrowed brow and a tenacious tone. "Whoever you are and wherever you may be. Whatever team is holding OUR world tag team titles when my brother gets better, we will hunt you down—we will capture you, and we will TEAR YOU TO SHREDS." With a few more nonsensical words that added nothing to the story, the Wolves left the ring to an uproarious ovation from the live crowd.
Following some bogus interview with Bobby Lashley by Christy Hemme—seriously, Christie Hemme is still around—we head back into the Orlando arena just in time for Knockouts' action. Dixie Carter tweeted something last night to the effect of "Knockouts are the best," or whatever—my point is that I had high hopes going into this match. Especially considering it's a normal one-on-one bout between Gail Kim and Angelina Love. Josh Matthews keeps referring to tonight as a "special," which is beginning to work my last nerve by just forty-five minutes into the show. What sense does it make to pretend like every week is a special episode? Tonight is "Bell to Bell," which considering the lengthy promo by the Wolves, seems like a poorly-thought-out title. Josh goes on to say "Bell to Bell has lived up to the hype." This of course after one match, one promo, and Angelina Love's entrance. Josh Matthews is slowly but surely taking the "Most Hyperbolic Wrestling Announcer" trophy away from Tony Schiavone. But let's quit picking on Josh, because he really is a hard-working guy in TNA who doesn't deserve to be picked on SO much. Instead, let's focus on this AMAZING match that Dixie Carter had to Tweet the world about.
Gail Kim enters the ring, and just like the opening match and the ten minute segment prior to this, Angelina Love has something to say. So much for "Bell to Bell," huh Josh? "You know Gail," Angelina Love began to boast. "I look the way I do because I have been blessed. And yeah I may shake it, yeah I may flaunt it, but let's not forget that I am a GREAT wrestler. Let's not forget that I am the record-breaking six-time Knockouts Champion, and you are not. And I'm so sick and tired of, �oh Gail Kim this' and �oh Gail Kim that.'" At this point I'm on board with what she has to say, as I'm not the biggest Gail Kim fan in the world, but I certainly don't consider Angelina Love a "great wrestler." Moving on—"Well now that I am free of the constraints that were holding me back for the last year," referring to Velvet Sky, "I am going to prove that I am just as good as you—IF NOT BETTER." A cheap shot by Angelina Love and Gail Kim is immediately blindsided by the onslaught that is the 6-time Knockouts Champion, and former member of the "Beautiful People." She hits Gail with a big body block, and follows up with a picture-perfect cross-body. This match is actually mildly enjoyable, but I'm soon distracted by a graphic on screen and Josh Matthews who's trying to sell me a DVD—what is a DVD in 2015—all about the "Icon" Sting. It makes me wonder if Dixie was promoting this match because it's where the Sting ad was placed. She's been very vocal about maintaining Sting's legacy within her company as of late, not to mention how unTweetworthy this bout really wound up being. Gail Kim eventually gets the upper hand, as anybody might have suspected. The veteran Korean-Canadian professional is quicker than Love, and has mastered the art of turning her opponent's mistakes into her own advantage. Gail runs the ropes and attempts some sort of standing submission on Angelina Love, only to allow Angelina the opportunity for a sidewalk slam. Gail tries to come back, but Angelina continues firing away with a truly impressive round of innovative offense. A 2-count on Gail Kim, and Love is frustrated with her own inability to take out the former WWE Women's Champion. She takes the fight to the outside because—why not? These Knockouts abuse one another in a way that Bobby Roode and Eric Young failed to do, taking brutal bumps into the steel steps and on the otherwise exposed concrete floor. Both Knockouts are on their backs, receiving a wave of adoration from the audience as the referee almost counts them out. They return to the ring at nine and begin a war of round-kicks and clotheslines; Gail Kim takes Love off her feet and follows up with a fury of ferocity, punctuated by a dropkick from the top rope. Gail goes for her finishing maneuver, but Angelina Love pushes her away and into the corner. Gail Kim tries for a high risk move to counter-the-counter, but is reversed into a modified—yet sloppy—powerbomb by Angelina Love. Love failed to achieve the pin when Gail put her foot on the rope, and won the match seconds later when she made Angelina Love "Eat Defeat."
So there's this two-minute long cross-over segment featuring Destination America's "Ghost Asylum"—sold to us by the multifaceted Josh Matthews as "a walk through the Tennessee Woods." They're actually on what appears to be land owned by James Storm and the Revolution. The cameras pan away from the "Ghost Hunter-Wannabes" to the Revolution sitting by a campfire, near a dilapidated shed. The guys from "Ghost Asylum" give James Storm way too much credit when they ask, "So the Battle of Franklin happened up here, I'm guessing that's why you called us?" James Storm laughed, almost as much as I did and told a ghost story about a set of friends and a gun and a barn. He describes the "barn" that I mistakenly took for a shed as the place he takes members of the Revolution to condition them. One of the "Ghost Asylum" dudes looks a ghastly great deal like Bill DeMott. They're also incredibly Southern, as is this whole Tennessee wilderness garbage. Where is Kamala? The scariest thing to come out of the Appalachian Mountains are the people—who substitute Mountain Dew for water and forget how to read "on account of the Moonshine." The �Ghost Guys' go into the barn looking for "some spookies." This was painful to watch—what happened to "Bell to Bell?"
Up next is the highly personal showdown between Magnus and Bram—doesn't it seem that EVERYBODY in TNA use to be best friends? I could have waited for this meaningless Bram-Magnus storyline until after Roode and EY squashed their beef, but whatever. There are a whole lot more "Hustle, Loyalty, Respect," shirts in the audience than uh—what's one of their catch phrases? This match gets under way exactly the same as every match of the night and during previous weeks of Impact. They start punching each other—with no repercussions for the closed-fists—until going outside the ring in less than 30-seconds. I almost lost interest at this point to be completely honest with you, as I just don't give a shit about two guys—or girls—throwing each other into the steels steps and barricade. I don't want to see any more power bombs on the outside, because they're meaningless! This week's altercation is reminiscent of every other we've witnessed in recent weeks, but most-closely resembles the way Magnus beat Bram around the arena two weeks ago. Magnus keeps up the vicious assault on the man who struck him in the back of his head with a cue ball, until countered by Bram on the entryway. Bram tries for a powerbomb, but Magnus reverses him over and onto his back. Now it's Magnus's turn for a powerbomb, also countered by Bram, but with a low blow. This is a "Falls Count Anywhere" match, so I can almost excuse the excess of extra-ring activities, but it's still pointless. Bram now slams Magnus's head into the guard rail and onto the ring apron, screaming in his face the whole while. If I never hear the words, "Come on Magnus," again—it'll be too soon. Back inside the ring, Magnus is back in control, because that's how TNA matches work. But Bram stoops to his deepest depths and introduces a chair, giving the edge to the self-proclaimed "hardcore wrestler" Bram. Magnus leaves the ring—again—and stumbles around the outside, feeling the effects of Bram's chair shot to his midsection. It's hard to call all of the action because one move is reversed into another, and one weapon outdoes the next, until Bram is standing tall on the outside, mocking Magnus. The announcers are selling Bram like he's going to spoil—"How sadistic is this guy," asked Tazz, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Bram seats Magnus on the top rope and hits him square in the jaw with rights and lefts until Magnus begins to return the favor. Magnus grabs Bram by the beard and performs a tornado DDT out of the corner, leaving both men grounded in the center of the ring. That's when Mickie James arrive on the scene. She ran to ringside and cheered for her husband, ultimately causing the distraction that would cost him the advantage. Bram hit Magnus with a violent chair shot across the back, sending Magnus through the ropes and onto the floor. Bram followed behind and continued the carnage by choking Magnus with the business-end of the chair. He then propped his opponent up and put his head between the unfolded chair and sent him straight into the ring post. Bram wasn't done, laughing at both Magnus and Mickie, as he laid Magnus across the steel steps. He prepared to hit him in the head with the chair, but became distracted by Mickie whom he chased into the ring. Just then James Storm arrived and got in Bram's face; he escorted Mickie James out of the arena and into the back, shielding her from Bram with his own body. While Bram was caught up in the comings and goings of Mickie James, Magnus was catching his breath. After much back and forth, Bram hits Magnus with the "Brighter Side of Suffering" DDT on the steel chair. He covers Magnus for the 1-2-and MAGNUS KICKS OUT! The crowd is on fire, and what began as a rather boring display has now turned into a rarified wrestling match. Magnus hits Bram with a pair of truly beautiful power bombs followed by a bone-shattering Spineshaker. Magnus gets the hard-fought victory over Bram; as his music plays, Mickie James enters the ring and kisses her husband, while Bram lies flat on his back.
Kurt Angle does an interview backstage with Jeremy Borash about how his first match with Bobby Lashley was a "Dream Match," and that he trained for their first encounter "harder than he did for the Olympics." He assures Lashley that it's real—"It's damn real." Magnus catches up to James Storm in the darkened Gorilla Position of the Impact Zone, and asks why he came to the aid of Mickie James. Storm says that he was just helping out an old friend, and offers a suggestive look to Magnus's wife Mickie. Next is a very well-produced recap of Bobby Lashley's match with Kurt Angle, wherein the "Destroyer" lost his title to the "Wrestling Machine."
It's now time for the main event—a one-on-one bout for the TNA title—between Kurt Angle and Bobby Lashley. The Destroyers' music hits and the lights flash along with a plume of smoke, as Lashley makes his celebrated entrance down to ringside. Kurt Angle enjoys an enormous ovation from the Orlando audience, before the initial introductions provided by Jeremy Borash. The bell rings and for the second time in one-month, we are watching a TNA world heavyweight championship match. Bobby Lashley gets a grip around the midsection of Kurt Angle but is taken down to the mat by the Olympic Gold Medalist, until the power of Lashley proves worthy of matching the experience of Angle. They continue with a series of headlocks by both men, until—you guessed it—Kurt Angle goes to the outside of the ring. He paces about before deciding to return to engage the Destroyer once more. Lashley tries to wrestle Kurt which soon proves almost-fool hearty on the part of Lashley. They run the ropes over and over into headlock after headlock, when Kurt Angle catches Bobby Lashley in one of his signature belly-to-belly Suplexes. Now it's Lashley's turn to leave the ring; Angle follows behind and Lashley gets the advantage by slamming Angle's head against the side of the ring. He tosses Angle back into the six-sides, and follows with a Spear in the corner. Bobby Lashley grabs Kurt Angle in a big bear hug, but Angle fights away, only to find himself in the exact same situation a moment later. Lashley charges Angle and once again finds himself on the outside if only for a second. When he returns to the ring, he's met with a German Suplex courtesy of Kurt Angle. Angle attempts the move again but Lashley counters with a Spine Buster. Lashley comes close to victory following a pronounced powerslam, but Kurt Angle refuses to give up. Lashley goes for a Spear but misses, allowing Angle the opportunity for another belly-to-belly suplex. He hits another German', and another, and a third—followed by an Angle Slam! Angle gets the two and three quarters count on the former champion, Bobby Lashley, and instinctually resigns to the Ankle Lock. Lashley reaches ahead, crawling to save himself from defeat and reaches the ropes, but not before Angle can drag him back to the centre of the ring. Lashley counters with brute strength and rolls himself over, sending Angle plummeting to the outside once more. They do more of the outside shenanigans involving the steel steps and finally get back inside where Lashley goes for another cover. Angle gets his shoulder up just before referee Brian Hebner could count three. Lashley couldn't believe it, and decided to ascend the ropes. But the crafty Kurt Angle was hip to the Destroyer's game plan; he sprang into action and caught him at the top. Lashley fell and crotched himself in the corner, which gave Angle the opening to perform the Angle Slam from the top rope. Angle attempts to capitalize with a moonsault from the top rope, but misses, falling victim to his own Ankle Lock performed by Bobby Lashley. But if anybody knows their way out of an Ankle Lock, it's Kurt Angle; he rolled himself and Lashley, sending the big man face-first into the turnbuckle. From there, Angle rolled a considerably stunned Lashley into a simple school-boy, to retain his world title. When the replay was shown following the match however, it became clear that Lashley's shoulders were not pinned to the mat, calling into question the legitimacy of the fall and Kurt Angle's continued reign as champion.
Several weeks back, TNA had an amazing night of television headlined Rockstar Spud vs. Ethan Carter in a "Hair versus Hair Match." That night wasn't billed as some amazing "Bell to Bell Spectacular," and yet it still delivered. The hype going into tonight's show was insurmountable and didn't come close to living up to what we expected. There's no reason to think TNA will change its ways; one week is good, the next is great, the next is bad, the next is okay—there's no constant with this company, and every match is worked exactly the same. There are seemingly no rules in TNA, everybody is a hardcore high spot artist, and everybody starts their match ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING FOR SOME REASON. I'm hoping for the best but I'm expecting more mediocrity from a company that's shown real promise in recent weeks. Until next time, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty—reminding you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat, follow me on social media (Twitter – @TapeTraderz & Facebook – The B+ Players) and listen to my weekly podcast, "The B+ Players," available every Monday through SoundCloud, YourListen, Facebook, and Cheap-Heat.com.
