Viva La Lucha Libre
Lucha Underground 1/28/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
Are you a man, or are you a machine? Whatever you answered, you're probably in the right place if you're looking for the most courageous column when it comes to Lucha Underground on the El Rey Network. Ladies and gentlemen my name is Mark Adam Haggerty, here with you each and every week to discuss the outrageous happenings inside the Lucha Underground Temple. This week's episode answered several questions but left us with an inordinate number of plot twists. What will become of the Lucha Underground title and what does Dario Cueto have in store for the competitors in Boyle Heights? Let's find out what happened on this week's episode of Lucha Underground.
The show begins with a recap featuring the events of previous weeks and slowly fades into a musty gymnasium where Cage is pumping iron. Lucha Underground promotor Dario Cueto enters with the same smug grin he had when he paid the Crew to take down Big Ryck. "I've heard of taking the bull by the horns," Cueto tells Cage, "But you take the bull by the huevos !" After complimenting Cage, he informs the new luchador that tonight is his lucky night, tonight he will get his match—with Puma! Inside the Temple the crowd is ready for another exciting night of high flying action courtesy of Mark Burnett, AAA, and the El Rey Network. The band from previous episodes is featured in a much more prominent capacity, complete with a front man dressed as Che Guevara. It seems that every week Matt Striker is getting less formal, sitting beside Vampiro who spends the entire opening segment attempting to "raise the roof." The opening contest on the card is a clash of styles featuring the Brutish Mil Muertes taking on the man who nearly became champion when he battled Prince Puma, Fenix. Fenix's high-risk offense seems to be just the thing to wear down the armor-plated defense of Mil Muertes. For weeks I've cried over my distaste for Ricky Banderas, but I've come around to this most successful demonic character he's created for Lucha Underground. The match doesn't last long and proves to be little more than Fenix dancing around the imposing monster with a plethora of high spots, caught off guard from time to time by a fist or a boot by Muertes. Come the final bell it was Fenix, the underdog, who managed to defy the odds and defeat the terrifying Muertes, a man who is now being sold by Striker and Vampiro as a mere pawn being played by his beautiful keeper Catrina.
One of the most impressive aspects of Lucha Underground since its inception has been the overtly cinematic backstage sequences, used to develop characters such as Prince Puma and King Cuerno. Next in line for a Hollywood-style push is the self-described "Machine" known simply as Cage. Cage walks down the dirty pathways of central Los Angeles, only to be attacked by a gang of ruffians. Their strength in numbers are no match for the sheer force packed into each punch thrown by Cage. One individual even hits the championship challenger over the head with a beer bottle—an action that takes no toll on Cage, other than to anger the monster further. When the scene concluded, Cage was still walking tall and ready to take the title from Prince Puma later in the evening. The in-ring escapades continue with trios warfare, featuring all three members of the Crew as they engage with Argenis, Super Fly, and Aerostar. The Crew is coming fresh off of their turn on former leader Big Ryck the previous week, and even my man BAEL is out for a blood as the Lucha Underground express continues moving at top speed. Trios matches, as described by Vampiro, are commonplace in Mexican culture and have been a part of Lucha Libre since the beginning. Each team had its own series of impressive spots including a top rope hurricanrana by Aerostar on Cisco that took out the remaining members of the Crew. But it was the Crew who would have the last laugh, employing their strong bond to help overcome the formidable trio of tenured AAA luchadors standing across the squared circle.
Following the second bout of the evening, Vampiro and Matt Striker begin to introduce an interview that appears to have the former Juggalo Champion absolutely speechless. Well, nearly speechless as he did say, "You could cut the knife with the intensity." They throw it to the footage from earlier in the day—a sit down featuring Vampiro alongside Konnan and the Lucha Underground Champion Prince Puma. As Vampiro introduces his guests, he begins to ask Prince Puma questions relating to his inaugural reign as champion. However instead of allowing Puma to respond, Konnan jumps in and fields each inquiry himself. Finally Vampiro snaps and tells Konnan how sick he is of him jumping in and shooting his mouth off. The two WCW and Lucha legends continue to exchange words, at one point Konnan says, "You're going to get shredded like ropa vieja!" Uh—okay, so for anyone who doesn't live in Southern California or Texas or any Latino-influenced area, ropa vieja is a Latin American food that literally translates to "Old Clothes." Very strange choice of verbiage, K-Dawg. Before the altercation could become too heated, Puma interjected himself amongst the now seething former champions, both of whom were throwing challenges toward the other.
The main event has happened upon us much quicker than in weeks past, perhaps due to the lackluster undercard and plethora of pre-recorded promos and cinematic segments. Prince Puma enters the Temple with Konnan escorting him to ringside for the first time since the show debuted. Cage is truly a monster who dwarfs Puma, and even makes the portly retired-wrestler Konnan appear small by comparison. During Cage's entrance, Puma immediately delivers a receipt from the previous beat down by performing a beautiful swan dive over the top rope and into the arms of Cage. The match is soon off to a rough start for the champion who quickly begins to realize he's no longer in the ring with Johnny Nitro and Ezekiel Jackson. Cage has no use for flash, and does his talking with powerfully abrasive stiff workmanship inside the ring. A northern lights suplex by Puma is expertly reversed into a chokehold by Cage, which tells the tale of their interplay throughout the bout. As Puma began to mount his offense, Cage pushed the referee into the ropes in an attempt to ground the champion, who was ascending to the top rope. The move was grounds for disqualification, however the referee elected to continue the match—until Cage hit Puma with a deliberate. The bell sounded, but the carnage had just begun as Cage hit Puma with a textbook Flat-liner shades of Chris Kanyon. Konnan entered the ring hoping to stop the Machine from attacking his "padawan" further. Instead Cage used the championship belt to deliver a crippling blow to Konnan, laying him out in the middle of the ring. Konnan was now covered in blood, Puma was decimated, and Cage stood tall with the championship belt in his hands. He raised his arms with the title, and in a display unlike anything I've ever seen, tore the title belt in two. The championship was destroyed. Cueto peered through the venetian blinds of his office, pleased with what he had seen. Suddenly an unexpected presence surprised him and planted him firmly against his desk. It was the mysterious Asian woman TV audiences have seen lurking since the debut of Lucha Underground. She tells Dario she's looking for a man that owes her—a man she swears is inside the Lucha Underground Temple.
One of the slowest installments of Lucha Underground to date, and perhaps my least favorite episode since the show began—nearly four months ago! That's a pretty good record when it comes to must-see wrestling television. While the hour was lacking in adrenaline-pumping excitement, we were privy to a groundbreaking title defense, as well as the first words spoken by the mysterious woman we've seen stalking certain luchadors in the Temple since the debut episode. What will happen now that Cage has destroyed Puma's championship, and incapacitated his mentor Konnan? We'll find out next week on Lucha Underground! Until then this is Mark Adam Haggerty inviting you to keep it here with Cheap-Heat for all the latest and greatest newsworthy nonsense you've come to expect from the wrestling industry.
