How's it going wrestling fans? IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT'S GOING! Just kidding of course. I haven't earned the right to berate my audience like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has. Speaking of the Rock, it's Thursday, which means it's time for the 16-year old tradition named in his honor. Of course I'm talking about the show that began on UPN, can currently be seen on SyFy, and will appear on the USA Network in 2016—it's SMACKDOWN! My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, and while you don't care who I am, you'll be happy to know that I'm with you each and every week for a quick take on the Thursday Night Delight. When you don't have time to tune in, you can count on me to tell you WHAT'S COOKIN' and WHAT DOESN'T MATTER!
The show began with Jerry "The King" Lawler standing inside the ring, awaiting the entrance of the newly crowned King of the Ring, Bad News Barrett. Once Barrett appeared, he immediately began to battle the King in a "War of Worlds." Barrett said that HE was the only King in the WWE, and that Jerry Lawler is nothing more than a "commoner." He even went so far as to say: "Forgive me if I'm wrong Jerry, but the trailer parks of Memphis don't have any castles, do they?" He insists that Jerry say the same four words, that all of the fans will be forced to say: "All Hail King Barrett." Dolph Ziggler shows up for his match against Bad News Barrett, and takes exception to the way he speaks to Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler. Their match is quickly underway, and features the same sort of WWE Big Guy vs. Little Guy spots; Dolph Ziggler goes up high, but Barrett cuts him off low, and so on until Bad News Barrett is in firm control. The contest continues until the "Celtic Warrior" Sheamus interjects, attacking Dolph Ziggler and costing Barrett the bout by disqualification. Sheamus is seeking retribution for the stitches he suffered at the hands of Ziggler at the King of the Ring last week. Bad News Barrett is less concerned with the loss—because why would any WWE Superstar give a shit about wins and losses—and proceeds to put the boots to Ziggler alongside Sheamus. Just then, the "Man That Gravity Forgot" showed up to even the odds against the imposing combination of current and former Kings of the Ring. Neville brought the fight to Barrett, dishing out the onslaught right into a commercial break. Was this COOKIN'? Find out in the NEXT segment.
When the action resumed, all four competitors were still around the ring, preparing for an impromptu tag team match up. Neville and Ziggler would seek to depose the diabolical duo of Bad News Barrett and Sheamus. This was a continuation of the first segment, but brought with it a whole new feel thanks to the aerial mechanics of Adrian Neville and the relentless brutality of the former WWE champion, Sheamus. Although the smaller-statured team had their share of difficulty battling back from the brink of defeat, it was the unlikely Irish and English allies that were ultimately slain thanks to the underdog forces of Ziggler and Neville. Neville's "Red Arrow" didn't come into play, but he certainly had his chance to soar through the clouds and onto his unsuspecting opponents on the outside, which gave Dolph Ziggler the leverage he needed to finalize things with the Zig Zag. Dolph earned the 1-2-3 for a hard-fought victory after two matches with Bad News Barrett. I really like it when Raw or Smackdown begin with a MATCH, and it never seems to happen anymore. The best we can ever hope for, is a short monologue about the opening match. And that's what we got here, and included therein were some hilarious bits from Barrett. Might we see a future feud between the King of the Ring and the King of the Announce Desk? Dare I say—at Wrestlemania 32 in Dallas, Texas? I expect a JAM-PACKED CARD, with all the bells and whistles. What better place to give Jerry Lawler his REAL Wrestlemania Moment? This segment and the preceding match were both highly enjoyable, they kicked Smackdown off in a positive way, and they were without a doubt COOKIN'!
The night begins to slow down with Lana in the ring who's receiving an insanely positive reaction. I'm not a fan of the Lana face turn, and I know most other critics aren't keen on it either. So who are these idiots in the crowd showering her with adulation when they should be feeding her heat? It's very strange. Tonight's show emanated from Ottawa, a city in Ontario just over the American border, that doesn't get as many live events as the New York or Chicago markets. The crowd was hot all night, which could have attributed to the overall positive feel of the program. Once Lana was at her peak of babyface support, Rusev made his arrival and ordered her to leave the ring, much the same as Marvelous Marc Mero back before the Attitude Era. Rusev then proceeded to deliver an impassioned speech about how he's stronger than John Cena, paying special attention not to mention America while wrestling in Canada. He spliced sentences together incorporating both English dialogue and what I perceived to be Russian, although Rusev is of course Bulgarian. At the end of the night, this segment really DOESN'T MATTER, because it was just Rusev talking and Lana walking, the latter was far more interesting than the former.
Fandango has become one of those performers who nobody ever expects to win, at least in my eyes. His music hits and while people still dance and do the "Fandango," there's never any question as to who's going to win. The answer is almost always: "Not Fandango." Which is a shame! This is the guy who beat Chris Jericho in his WWE debut, wrestling on the grandest stage of them all—WRESTLEMANIA—at Met Life Stadium in the shadow of New York City. And now his music hits and people think: "Well, no matter who he's wrestling—his opponent is going to win." Tonight was no different, when Fandango went up against one of the most peculiar entities in WWE in recent years, Luke Harper. Harper made quick work of Fandango within just a matter of moments. Do you know how I know this match was really short? I stepped onto my balcony to feed my house plants while Harper's entrance music was playing, and when I came back inside, his music was playing again. Following the match was a strange turn of events between former partners, when Erick Rowan appeared and seemed as though he had his sights set on Harper. He walked down to ringside with his sheep mask, and shocked the audience by attacking Fandango. Neither man said a word, and Erick Rowan returned from whence he came, leaving Harper alone in the ring, bewildered as he stared into the eyes of the plastic sheep mask.
The tag team championship hunt has fast become one of the most entertaining aspects of the WWE since Kidd and Cesaro captured the titles before Wrestlemania. Since then, the New Day have won the belts, and are still mixing it up with the former tag team champions. Tonight is a six-man tag team match, pitting all three members of the New Day against Kidd and Cesaro, as well as a mystery partner of their choosing. Smackdown is weird because there are never any surprises, unless you're inside the arena. But even then, you know nothing substantial is happening at a Tuesday night TV taping. I had no idea who Kidd and Cesaro would choose, though in hindsight their decision to pick RYBACK rather predictable. This wasn't in any way the classic confrontation that their earlier matches have been, partially due to the inclusion of Ryback, but also as all three members of the New Day are forced to work simultaneously, without Xavier on the outside as a manager. There were some insane spots in this match, including a number of aerial innovations, and a DDT from the barricade by Cesaro. When the end came, the New Day won it just as they have before—with Kofi Kingston grabbing a handful of tights for the one, two, three. It was COOKIN'!
Naomi and Tamina were next, and lead off with a searing promo aimed at whomever may have "Forgotten" various nuances of either woman's repertoire. This was a standard effort by Naomi against Emma. Naomi is an above average professional wrestler by WWE Diva standards, while Emma is still learning. I think it better serves Naomi to spend time with more seasoned Divas at this stage, so that when Emma is ready to sit at the learning tree, Naomi has knowledge to pass along. Naomi won the match, and following the bell, Tamina clocked Emma in the jaw with an absolutely beautiful Super Kick. It was interesting, was it entertaining? Eh—I didn't LOVE it. In the interest of never copping out and giving you one of two responses, I'm afraid I'd have to say this segment and match therein just DIDN'T MATTER!
I'll tell you right now that this match between the Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores didn't matter. At all. The Mexican Team wrestled the Puerto Rican team that pretends to be a Mexican team. This was a clash of styles that proceeded to make the Matadores look like a joke. Granted, they are a joke team that wanders around with a miniature bull, I'm just not keen on how the WWE feels the only way to build new Superstars is at the detriment of pre-established performers. The Lucha Dragons won and Los Matadores took out their frustrations on El Torito. It DOESN'T MATTER!
Tonight's main event was a contract signing, unlike any other we've seen before. First off, rather than the standard two men at a table, this was a four person set-up, featuring Kane presiding over the entire ordeal. Second, Seth Rollins refused to participate! Once the Lunatic Fringe, the Viper, and the uh—Roman Reigns, were seated inside the ring, Seth Rollins emerged from the backstage area with J&J Security in tow. He informed the audience that as champion, he reserves the right to have the Director of Operations sign his contracts for him. Kane says that might be true—in theory. Earlier in the evening, Seth Rollins called Kane "irrelevant," which the "Big Red Machine" brought to light when explaining to Seth why he WASN'T going to sign his contact for him. Seth eventually made his way to ringside, but did so with a plan; he used his close relationships with Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and even Randy Orton to his advantage, in an attempt to turn the three against one another before he even entered the ring. The challengers didn't buy in to his trickery, and soon Seth was standing in the center of the squared circle, surrounding by the three number one contenders, and J&J Security. While tensions heat, Dean Ambrose slowly began to assemble a table in the corner of the ring. Nobody realized what he was doing as he sought to start the war right then and there. He grabbed the microphone and said, "Look, we all know how this is going to turn out. I call the table." With that, he tossed Joey Mercury toward the table, but it didn't break. All four Payback participants were engaged in battle inside the ring, along with Noble and Mercury, as well as the Operations Director Kane. This was an interesting way to end Smackdown; we've seen contract signings in the past, but this was different and well worth a watch if you've already made it this far into the show. I'm going to certify the main event as COOKIN'!
This was a fantastic week for World Wrestling Entertainment in terms of cable television programming. NXT is always on point, and the �Network shows offer something for everybody, but Monday Night Raw and Thursday Night Smackdown have a tendency to UNDER deliver. This week's episode of Raw received unanimous praise, minus some polarizing viewpoints on the Sami Zayn appearance, and Smackdown continued to produce quality in-ring entertainment. Until next time, keep checking out Cheap-Heat and Daily Wrestling News for all of my latest work; follow me through social media via TapeTraderz and on Facebook at “The B+ Players” ; and be sure to catch my tri-weekly podcasts available exclusively at Cheap-Heat.com!
