What’s Cookin' & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
For the past several weeks I've claimed that regardless of what may go down on Thursday Night Smackdown, everything is important as all roads lead to Wrestlemania. But even I'm beginning to have my doubts, now just 2 weeks away from what could be the WORST Wrestlemania in history. Tonight's show wasn't horrible by any means, but comes to us just a stone's throw away from Santa Clara when engines should be firing on all cylinders. Instead we get another throwaway program involving the comedy stylings of the intercontinental championship. I can't go into much more detail without beginning today's review, so without further anticipation, my name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this is Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown.
The show opens up without so much as any pomp and circumstance and leads directly into the ring where Daniel Bryan is ready to address the audience. He begins to talk about how the intercontinental championship is the only belt that's been able to elude him since starting with the WWE, and officially announces himself as part of the multi-man ladder match at Wrestlemania. Wade Barrett—the actual champion, despite not having a belt—enters the arena and has a few choice words for his NXT first season co-star. The duo is then joined by Dolph Ziggler, who isn't doing much for me, and doesn't appear to be popping the crowd when he's up against someone like Bryan. His juvenile jokes yield another addition to the fray—Luke Harper slowly saunters down to the squared-circle, followed by Dean Ambrose. Dean claims to have started the whole intercontinental title hunt, and says that he's always up for a fight. He jumps into the ring, and the five are soon-made six when Stardust appears, asking where he might find the "ivory enterprise." R Truth is once again in possession of the championship, leading the six superstars in the ring to square off and choose sides. This will be our main event for the evening: Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, and Dean Ambrose versus Wade Barrett, Stardust, and Luke Harper.
Eight-man action is upon us next when the Usos team with the New Day to take on Los Matadores and the Masters of the WWE Universe, Kidd and Cesaro. Before the bout, the Matadores appear in a pre-recorded inset promo, wherein they seem to have Mexican accents. Which is strange—for Puerto Ricans. Natalya needs to stop playing to the crowd as a babyface, especially if she's going to become a bigger part of the Kidd and Cesaro story. It doesn't make much sense to see her smiling face alongside their scowling expressions, and throws me off as to whether or not I'm supposed to cheer for them. The match is fast-paced per usual without any less-than-average individuals around to anchor the action—even Los Matadores are impressive in this contest, as well they should be considering they walked away with the pin. Kofi Kingston fell victim to the old "switch-a-roo" courtesy of the identical Matadores, when the fresher of the two entered the ring and caught Kofi with a Codebreaker. The team of Los Matadores and "Los Masters" walk away victorious, leading one to wonder how these four teams might interact come Wrestlemania.
The next live match on the card following an unrivaled amount of company-promotion is the lackluster confrontation between two entrants in the upcoming "Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal," Ryback and the Miz. I very much enjoy both Superstars for what they have to offer, but when it came time for them to mix it up one-on-one, I suddenly started to long for the days of Mizdow—or even "Awesome Truth." I wasn't very invested in this match, and it's safe to safe the live audience wasn't either, considering an enormous degree of fan reactions are so clearly added during post-edit. I don't know why the WWE feels as though wrestling fans watching at home are so stupid that they can't see the disconnect between the audio of a wild ovation and the visual reaction in the arena. I can't even tell you who won his match, and not because I was ignoring the outcome. It was just one of those matches where I found myself Facebooking through the whole thing, and then suddenly—it's over! I'm going to assume Ryback won, and if he didn't, I'll find out before I post this and change it. I don't understand the booking of two �Battle Royal' entrants without any sort of heat when there's still much to be desired in every aspect of the rest of the card. I hate to agree with Dave Meltzer, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say the WWE was purposely sabotaging its own event—but why?
In spite of the highway-chicanery that composed a great portion of this program, there were in fact a select few bright spots to constitute at least some sort of silver lining. My favorite part of the show was a Roman Reigns segment—BELIEVE THAT! I know, I'm surprised myself, but I actually enjoyed a lot of what both Roman and the "World's Strongest Man" had to say. Reigns came out to cut what we would assume to be the standard "Beanstalk" promo, but he instead accused Paul Heyman of being a racist. "He said my family is four generations removed from cannibals—who says that?" Well first of all, I think he said you were one generation removed, but I get what you're saying. I saw a glimmer of potential in Roman during his delivery, and thoroughly enjoyed his exchange with Mark Henry. When Henry appeared he told Reigns that he doesn't like his culture being made fun of either—and proceeded to tell Roman that perhaps he's been hit in the head with too many coconuts. That's not very PROGRESSIVE Mark Henry. He warned Roman about what's in store when he gets to Santa Clara, California in two weeks. "I'm the World's Strongest Man," he started, "I have an identity. I know who I am! Which is more than I can say for you." The "Samoan Superman" had enough and caught the curator of the "Hall of Pain" square in the jaw with a formidable right hand. Henry stumbled to the floor, and Roman ran around the entire ring to Spear Mark Henry through the barricade next to the time keeper. Following the incident, Mark Henry is backstage being examined by WWE doctors and says that he believes in Roman Reigns. He said he doesn't know if Roman will beat Brock Lesnar—but he believes he can.
I don't really understand why Michael Cole does these sit-down interviews when the company has a laundry list of broadcasters, especially considering everything that Cole is already responsible for. Michael sits down with the "Legend Killer" Randy Orton to discuss what went down last week on Monday Night Raw. Randy takes Cole and the audience through his plan from start to finish, beginning with his exile from the Authority. He goes on to say that every move was intentional, including his choice to save Seth in a match the previous week on Raw. Randy Orton tells Michael Cole that he's prepared for Monday Night Raw, where he's going to challenge Seth Rollins to a match at Wrestlemania. Here's my prediction: Rollins and Orton will go on second or third from the bottom, where the "Viper" will beat the heck out of the "Architect." As the show continues, fans in attendance and around the world will begin to forget about Rollins as the main events creep closer and closer. Following a successful title defense over Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar will stand in the ring with his arms held high, until the music of Seth Rollins cuts across Levi's Stadium. Brock will see Seth coming from a mile away as he prepares to cash in on the "Beast." Brock is ready, skipping in place and saying "baby" until—from OUTTA NOWHERE—Paul Heyman hits the champion with the title belt, leveling Brock at the feet of Seth Rollins. Lesnar will be off television, perhaps indefinitely, and Paul Heyman has a new "Paul Heyman Guy" in the form of another WWE champion.
For the second week in a row, the main event on Smackdown stems from the intercontinental title battle. In one corner are the villainous heels—all former, or current IC champions—Wade Barrett, Luke Harper, and Stardust. Their opponents are Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, and the former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan. This match is out of control, beginning as soon as everybody is within arm's reach of each other. Part of me is excited to see the secondary title picture featured so prominently, especially with such adequate athletes vying for the gold. But it all goes back to what time of year this is, and I doubt this match is adding any more fuel to the ladder match "fire" at Wrestlemania. I'm not sure why R-Truth isn't involved in the physical side of the program, as he hasn't wrestled a singles match, nor has he been involved in one of these tag titles since the entire angle kicked into high gear. I enjoy seeing Stardust in the main event, and although I'm clamoring for the day where he'll remove his stupid face paint, I'm happy for Cody Rhodes nonetheless. The highlights of the bout were toward the end when Luke Harper hoisted his opponent into a torture rack—Shades of Lex Luger. The final bell came when Dolph Ziggler was well on his way to victory; Daniel Bryan interjected himself with a kick, gaining the pinfall for both himself and his team mates. The bad guys slowly faded from view as Dean, Dolph and Daniel converged in the ring. The music stopped playing, and Dean Ambrose told Daniel Bryan that the fans might be fooled, but he knows the real Daniel Bryan: "You're a turd." With that, Dean tossed the mic and left the ring. Dolph picked it up, "Whoa, whoa, whoa—now Dean and I don't agree on a lot of stuff. But he's right. You're a turd bro." Daniel Bryan laughed as both men walked away, soured by whatever it is that makes Daniel Bryan a "turd."
Apparently there was a Diva's tag match on this show that was cut in my local Southern California market, and rather than just guessing as to how it went down, I've elected to leave it off of my review. I'm so disappointed with how Smackdown and Raw came across this week that I'm not going to close with any kind of witty remark regarding Wrestlemania. The truth is that the WWE is focused on selling 100,000 tickets in Dallas, and seems to be looking past this year's event entirely. I hope to be back next week with a better report, but I'm less than hopeful for the future. Until then, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty, reminding you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat and to follow me on Facebook by LIKING "Mark Haggerty's Pro Wrestling."
