What’s Cookin & What Doesn’t Matter Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
It's the final episode of WWE TV until the February "free-per-view," Fastlane. If the free month of November and the Survivor Series are any indication, I think it's safe to say this show will be more like an extended infomercial for Wrestlemania, than a standard pay-per-view. There won't be a world title match, the number one contender bout is lacking any sort of momentum, and a talking segment featuring Triple H and Sting will more than likely main event the entire card. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to it just the same as I look forward to every WWE pay-per-view. I feel like a battered spouse sometimes, the way the WWE abuses me from month to month, only to pull-out some grand gesture just before I'm ready to call it quits. But Vince McMahon knows I'll never leave—I just know that I can change him. This week's episode of Smackdown wasn't the sort of spectacle as the previous edition and its tag team gauntlet, but still much more wrestling than you'll find on Raw. When other sites are simply providing results, I provide you with insight as to what not to watch. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, and this is "What's Cookin' & What Doesn't Matter."
Sometimes it seems as though Smackdown is booked like a "Barrel of Monkeys"; all the key components are thrown together and tossed out at random. This week's episode opens with a potential world title challenger at Wrestlemania, Daniel Bryan, as he heads into singles action against another former WWE champion, the Miz. Tonight's show features a ton of prerecorded interview segments, starting with the opening contest and the Miz backstage, explaining how he is responsible for Daniel Bryan's "Cinderella Story." The "Hollywood A-Lister" enters alongside his personal assistant and Michael Cole is quick to point out how Daniel Bryan superseded the Miz during his debut run on NXT, which is strange as that was the same year Michael Cole lived inside a glass box and feuded with Jerry Lawler. Before the match begins, the Miz must remove his sunglasses, and does so via a choreographed ritual wherein he flaps his arms as if preparing to take flight. I love it. On the apron, the Miz's personal assistant Damian Sandow stands by, repeating the gesture, but receiving twice the adulation from the live audience. The Miz, of course, takes issue with Sandow and the reaction he elicits from the crowd, so he orders the former "Intellectual Savior of the Masses" to retrieve an Egyptian cotton towel from the locker room. The match is underway and Daniel Bryan immediately seeks to teach the Miz a lesson for the way he treats "Mizdow." The bout begins with an incredible back and forth featuring everything that Daniel Bryan is known for, combined with the Miz's firm grasp on the endangered art of being a heel. The biggest problem historians such as Jim Ross and Bill Apter have with the current wrestling product as a whole, is the blurred "tweener" territory where most talents tend to reside. The Miz is similar to Triple H, Nick Bockwinkel, and Ted DiBiase, in that he cheats to win and has very few redeeming characteristics. Other "bad guys" like Seth Rollins perform inside the squared-circle with a crispness that helps win support from contrarian viewers, while the Miz is a mediocre wrestler who boasts about his impressive credentials. And impressive they are! I've mentioned before that the Miz is a "grand slam" champion, after capturing every major title the WWE has to offer. Podcasters and columnists alike prefer to run down the potential "ceiling" for a character like Sandow, but I think the sky's the limit for anyone working this close with the Miz. Of course the devilish villain fell by the end of the fall, tapping out to Daniel Bryan's "Yes Lock." Bryan is losing steam with a lot of fans around the world but I still think the "American Dragon" has what it takes to steal the show at Wrestlemania and bridge the gap between this and the next generation. A COOKIN' match given the top-tier talent involved.
The second match out-the-gate is a battle of power pitting the "Big Red Machine" against the "Big Guy." Kane and Ryback begin this slugfest with a stunning display of rapid striking variations and dominant high-impact maneuvers. The bout soon segued into a share of rest holds between superheavyweights whereby Kane managed to fight Ryback down toward the canvas. The audience started getting restless and their inaudible chants soon brought the big men to their feet. Ryback battled Kane into the ropes and hit the former world champion with a Lou Thesz press followed by an enormous splash. A big spine buster and it was almost feeding time for Ryback. The huge muscle-bound brawler lifted the "Devil's Favorite Demon" onto his shoulders and earned his victory with a brutal "Shell Shock" to the mat below. Say what you will about Kane, and despite my own reservations regarding him inside the ring, this year is Glen Jacob's 20th anniversary with the WWE. There's a lot to be said for an individual, especially a "big man," who's able to last so long. Will Ryback be around in 2030? Judging from the way he was huffing and puffing only half-way into this match, I'm willing to say no. Unless Ryan Reeves can upgrade his conditioning for matches on Smackdown, he's never going to be in the main event title picture at Wrestlemania. But maybe that's for the best. This was pretty lame, but fast enough so that Ryback was walking away with the win before the match ever got going, so I'd dare say it was COOKIN'!
The third match of the night is a non-title bout between R Truth and the WWE Intercontinental champion Bad News Barrett. Before the competitors may enter, Dean Ambrose makes his way to ringside where he'll be joining Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Bryon Saxton on commentary. R Truth has been seeing far more action in recent weeks than I can remember in over a year! Last week Truth went to war with Bray Wyatt, and although coming up on the losing end, showed great promise—even earning a faint "You Still Got It" chant. Tonight �Truth is up against the statuesque bare-knuckle bruiser from Britain, "Bad News" Wade Barrett. As the match begins, Dean Ambrose spouts off at ringside regarding Barrett. He says the champion is "not one of those champions that goes down to defend his title every night." I thought that was sort of a strange criticism, as BNB puts his belt on the line just as often as anyone else– far more than the world champion, Brock Lesnar. Barrett commands the pace of the match, providing a preview for Ambrose as to what awaits him come Sunday. At one point, Barrett even took the fight to the outside of the ring where he continued to assault R Truth against the very announce table where Dean Ambrose sat. Back inside the ring, the multiple-time IC champion maintained his lead over the grizzled veteran, until R Truth was able to capitalize on the younger wrestler's error. Ambrose sat with his back to Barrett throughout the match, but it was the end of the bout that Barrett became distracted by Dean at ringside, allowing for the former NWA world champion Ron Killings to roll him up, earning his first television victory in—a really long time. The match was decent enough, but the segment was highlighted by the repartee between Ambrose and the commentators. My favorite of said interactions occurred when the "Lunatic Fringe" became distracted and just had to inform Jerry Lawler how proud he was, that the "King" could pull off such stylish t-shirts. When compared with other matches over the course of the evening, this was toward the bottom of my "Must Watch" list, but absolutely COOKIN' nonetheless.
Between matches we get to see another backstage soliloquy from Bray Wyatt to an unnamed supernatural entity, most likely the Undertaker. I really like the way the WWE is building toward this encounter, but I'd like to see something different for once in regards to an Undertaker match at �Mania. It seems that every year, the "Dead Man" disappears for 11 months, only to return to confront any given Superstar for the promos they've been cutting since the �Rumble. I understand that the Undertaker is getting older and perhaps looking to work a "Brock Lesnar schedule," but we need this program to kick into the next gear by the time Fastlane is over, otherwise there's no juice and therefore it DOESN'T MATTER!
I remember when the New Day vignettes began airing, featuring a revivalist choir and spiritual jaw-jacking regarding the current state of the WWE. It really seemed like this trio would be special, but instead they've become the "Black Job Squad." I hope there's a method to at least some of the madness within the WWE, especially as it relates to Big E, Xavier, and Kofi Kingston. Perhaps they'll lose so much that they grow tired of playing by the rules and revert to the "New Nation" idea we've all speculated on for over a year. Tonight Xavier Woods and Big E Langston are set to go two-on-two against the longest-reigning NXT tag team champions in history, the Ascension. Since debuting on the main roster just two months ago, the Ascension seems to be hitting their stride and working themselves out of the awkward ditch where they were once stuck. The biggest problem with Konnor and Viktor has been their size in relation to some of the biggest stars on the WWE main roster. But the New Day is a perfect transitional team for the Ascension, a smaller-sized group of guys that can help bridge the gap between the Lucha Dragons and the Brass Ring Club. I'm always happy to see the Ascension go over as I see big things for these guys in the near future. The match ended when Konnor and Viktor were able to catch Big E, a former Intercontinental champion, with the "Fall of Man." A three-count later and the Ascension is still riding high toward the tag team titles. I really like the Ascension, despite their obvious downfalls—I'd say this match was darn-near COOKIN'!
Either Daniel Bryan or Roman Reigns will walk into Santa Clara as challenger for the WWE world heavyweight championship; Daniel Bryan will square-off against Roman Reigns this Sunday at Fastlane on the WWE Network—so why was D-Bryan in the opening contest, and why was Reigns featured at the one-hour mark? The champion isn't around, so I don't understand the ideology in not allowing at least one of these Superstars to close the show. At any rate, the next match is ROMAN REIGNS against Luke Harper. The former Intercontinental champion Harper is a strange individual between the ropes, what with his innovative style utilizing both hurricanranas and Gator-rolls. If the idea is to book Roman Reigns against every heel on the roster heading into Wrestlemania, then I'm all for it. Let him wrestle Harper, let him wrestle Barrett, let him wrestle Rusev. Roman Reigns needs further exposure inside the ring as a professional wrestler, regardless of what it takes. Time is the best thing for Roman Reigns right now, but unfortunately he's got 37 days until Wrestlemania. Luke Harper puts him through the ringer, not necessarily by beating him down, but by working at a pace to which Roman needs to adapt. Roman changed the direction of the match with a big Samoan Drop, followed by an attempted Superman Punch. The wily Harper dodged the strike, but Roman pivoted, and caught Luke Harper with a thunderous spear. Another tally-mark in the "V" column for the winner of the 2015 Royal Rumble, Roman Reigns. A decent enough match considering the improvements Reigns has made in just a few short weeks. Luke Harper was phenomenal and I see him playing a much larger villainous role once the torch is finally passed and we enter into a new generation. COOKIN', for sure!
I joke about Kane being old and worn out, but I'm never angry when Kane is on TV. Every time I hear, "Well—well it's the Big Show," I lose my mind! I don't EVER want to see this dude. I sat down last night to watch the WWE's newest DVD release, "Real Giants," featuring some of the largest athletes in wrestling history. Now, I've never been a fan of the superheavyweights, but after watching that documentary, I have a newfound respect for guys just like Paul "The Big Show" Wight. Does that mean I want to see him wrestle? No! He's slow, lumbering, predictable, old, stiff, and disjointed—and that's just his ring-work. I'm also getting sick of listening to the 400+ pound giant on the microphone, touting his own athletic ability every chance he gets. If the Big Show was as good as he says, wouldn't he always be the champion? Why isn't he involved in the world title picture now, if he's such a dominant monster? This dude is famous for breaking a ring, and nothing else. However, if the Big Show is a seven on the 1-to-10 scale of talent, Erick Rowan would be a three. And wouldn't you know it, that's who the Big Show is wrestling tonight on Smackdown! Up until now, this has been a very enjoyable two-hours of television. But this five minutes of brawling following by a two-minute squash match were completely unnecessary, as I have no desire to see Erick Rowan EVER. He's the worst—I'd seriously rather get the Big Show for another ten years, than see Erick Rowan ever win any championship title belt. The match sucked, everything about it was terrible. The worst match of the night was won by the Big Show, and I won't even waste my time telling you why it DOESN'T MATTER!
The obligatory Diva's match is up next, and once again Nikki and Brie Bella have managed to take up residency at ringside. Generally I'd gripe about the repeated guest-commentary spots, but I'm really enjoying the Bellas and what they have to say. The Diva's Division is going through an adjustment phase where a greater emphasis is being placed on ring-work like never before. While both Bellas have managed to improve their bell-to-bell presence, I'm also happy to hear them as they begin to develop defined characters. The match in the ring sees Cameron return to the main roster ring against the number one contender Paige. It's funny how Paige is the only Diva who's been wrestling every week since the start of the New Year, and while I anticipated a train wreck courtesy of Cameron, I was pleasantly surprised to discover what sort of progress she's made since returning to NXT. The Bellas are wearing oversized sunglasses with red frames, claiming that they help reduce the reflection off of Paige's pale skin. Cameron received the brunt of the torture in this bout, as any Diva wrestling Paige over the past few weeks has been a mere prop in her feud with Nikki Bella. Cameron worked economically without risking exposure, however she was successful in several offensive attempts, including a beautiful snap-DDT. Her new style seems more in tune with the current NXT environment, influenced greatly by Sasha Banks, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch, and I hope this means we'll see more from the former-Funkadactyl as time goes by. Paige of course picks up the win, making Cameron tap to her dreaded P.T.O. For the record, "Paige Tap Out" is the worst name for a finishing move since the "Attitude Adjustment."
Back from a commercial break and the Uso's are on the stage doing their tribal dance, as Jimmy is set to go one-on-one with Tyson Kidd. This Sunday Jimmy and Jey will defend the WWE world tag team championships against Tyson and his tag team partner, Cesaro. The trio known as the "Brass Ring Club" also includes Tyson's wife Natalya, standing at ringside during this highly anticipated grudge match. The bout is quickly underway, but just as soon as the action would begin, Rusev made his presence felt in a major way. The "Bulgarian Brute" arrived on the scene and dismantled both Tyson Kidd and Jimmy Uso, before turning his attention to Jimmy's brother Jey. Rusev single-handedly demolished both tag team champions despite their best efforts. A number of stiff kicks to both brothers, and Rusev stormed outside the ring where he commandeered a live mic and proceeded to rant in what I believe must have been Bulgarian. Of the dozens of foreign phrases tucked away in his slurred speech, the only two words I recognized were "John" and "Cena." This past Monday night, the Doctor of Thuganomics paid a special house-call where he was forced to sedate Rusev with a fury of rights and lefts. This evening's display of dominance was Rusev's receipt, as clearly the United States Champion isn't concerned going into this weekend's Fastlane. Will John Cena be the first man to defeat Rusev? Or will Rusev managed to destroy Cena just as he has did the Big Show, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, Sheamus, and countless others?
I've already voiced my displeasure as to how the number one contenders are forced to work the undercard, but the main event was a Sports Entertainment spectacle, nonetheless. Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins met this past Monday night, but the "Show-Off" was soon thwarted by the combination of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. Tonight's match features a stipulation whereby J&J Security are BARRED from ringside! Dolph Ziggler is the first man to arrive, soon joined by his opponent, an exceptionally lonely-looking Seth Rollins. Since debuting on the main roster, Seth has never been on his own, whether flanked by the Shield or followed by the Authority, Rollins generally rolls pretty deep. The action gets started with the Show-Off vanquishing the dastardly Rollins to the outside, where they continue waging their war until making their way back between the ropes. A commercial break later, and suddenly Seth is in control with Dolph locked firmly in a headlock. On the outside of the ring, Kane and the Big Show fill in for the barred security team, while Ryback and Rowan are on hand to see that the odds are even. Ziggler sought to sink Seth with a DDT, but was instead repositioned into a powerbomb predicament, which he then re-countered for a sit-down powerbomb-pin of his own. Rollins kicked out, but Ziggler followed up with a Fame-asser for a near-fall. Rollins spilled to the outside where he was then in the direct trajectory of Erick Rowan and Ryback, but was immediately drawn back into the bout by Dolph. The match continued inside, with both the Authority and Dolph's friends lobbying to interject. Finally, Ziggler spring-boarded off the top, but was once again caught by Rollins for a powerbomb. This time the "Architect" was able to heave the "Show-Off" directly into the turnbuckle at full speed. He followed up with a Curb Stomp, earning the victory as he prepares for—uh, no match at Fastlane. Once the bell sounded, the "Stooges" joined the rest of the Authority, which sparked an idea in Rollins. "There's five of us," he said, "And there's three on them." The hounds began to circle their prey as the babyfaces stood back-to-back preparing for a battle. They fought them off as long as they could, but would eventually succumb to the inevitable. Despite another rousing effort on behalf of Ryback, the Authority would win the match and the day, going into Memphis this Sunday with their heads held high.
This week's episode of "Countdown" on the WWE Network featured the "Top 10 Moments from Smackdown," wherein dozens of WWE Legends and current Superstars discussed Smackdown as being the "wrestling show" for the WWE. While I'm happy to hear so many people verify what we already knew, I'm kind of irritated that a wrestling company recognizes how little wrestling there is on Raw, and chooses to do nothing about it. I guess it's a matter of "different strokes for different folks," as I know a handful of people who much prefer the campy monologues of Monday night to the 20-minutes matches on Thursday. I thought this was a fine episode overall, but failed to hit on all cylinders the way WWE ought to be during Wrestlemania season. Let's hope for the best going into the "free-per-view" on Sunday. Until next time, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty with "What's Cookin' & What Doesn't Matter."
