What’s Cookin' & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
What's that old saying about March coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb? Here in Southern California we're privy to "lamb-like" conditions for the better part of the year, but it would seem that the rest of these here United States are still suffering the heavy hand of "Old Man Winter." This week's episode of Smackdown took place in our nation's capital, Washington D.C., and featured the intercontinental title hunt as a main event storyline. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, with you each and every weekend in an attempt to make sense of the WWE's Thursday night delight. Whenever other sites are breaking down the wins and losses, we take it a step further and let you know what's worth your time—this is "What's Cookin' & What Doesn't Matter."
As much as it pains me to see each and every episode of WWE television open the same way, I was happy that Dolph Ziggler would be the Superstar grandstanding this evening, rather than the usual cast of characters such as Triple H, Seth Rollins, or John Cena. Things immediately appeared to center around Wade Barrett's intercontinental championship as Ziggler was the most recent challenger in possession of the white leather strap. Dolph begins by announcing his candidacy for the championship at Wrestlemania, and starts to allude to another Superstar who might want to get involved as well. He's of course referring to Daniel Bryan, but before the former world champion could answer, the actual intercontinental champion Wade Barrett appeared with some "Bad News" for Dolph. Ziggler is quick with the quips in an effort to disarm Barrett of his scholarly assertion—that the championship rightfully belongs to him. Barrett says, "Oh that's right, you're the comedian. Just not a very clever one." The back and forth continues until both Luke Harper and Dean Ambrose decide to join the party as well. All four men are eager to steal the belt, in hopes of psyching out the competition before they arrive at Levi Stadium. R Truth appears during the madness to steal the championship; Truth acts like a "ninja," according to JBL, and procures the belt by escaping under the ring. Backstage, Renee Young was the first person on the scene to ask Truth why he keeps stealing the belt. In a very matter of fact tone, the seasoned veteran R Truth said, "If I got this title under my arm, I won’t have to worry �bout climbing no ladder. Almost like, I eat when I’m not hungry, so when I get hungry, I been done ate already.” Renee Young comments on the likelihood of a ladder match still taking place, and Truth tries to pawn the belt off on Renee. She refuses to take it, so R Truth asks, "Where is Gene Ambrose?" I thought this entire segment was pretty cool, and featured an entire slew of Superstars in a way that we're not use to seeing. I've always said that Smackdown should have used the IC championship as its world title during the brand split, and I'll be curious to see if the "B-Show" continues to promote the undercard titles. This segment was most certainly COOKIN'!
Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are already my favorite WWE tag team of the last ten years—maybe longer. I think it's peculiar that Cesaro is now rocking the same style of Beatz headphones as Tyson, I'm not sure if that will play further into their gimmick, or if Cesaro just sought to be similar. These two are some of the finest workers to experience any sort of midcard longevity in some time, without being relegated to jobber status. Quite a few people complained about how Cesaro was handled after parting ways with the "Real Americans," and winning the first-ever "Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal." However, I'd suggest there was always a plan in place, and perhaps Creative was keen to wait until �Mania 31; if Cesaro was pushed into a championship position immediately following his victory at Wrestlemania 30, there's a very good chance that his star power could have depleted come the next event. Now, that's not a big deal in terms of Cesaro's future within the company, but it's certainly a big deal when it comes to establishing the "Memorial Battle Royal." What would it say about winning the match this year, if last year's winner was jobbing to NXT talents every week? I think the WWE was smart to hold off on Cesaro—his success appears to directly relate to his victory in the �Battle Royal, and can only mean good things going forward. Their contest this evening against Los Matadores was as entertaining as any of their matches, although positioned against the clearly incapable Colon Brothers. When a microscopic anthropomorphic bull is the star of your act, it's time to reconsider what side of the camera you belong on. Carlos Colon was a great champion, but he was a better promotor, and it would appear as though his prowess has been diluted even further when it comes to his kids. The tag team champions win a boring match, but I'd say it was COOKIN' because I'm excited to see these two perform whenever I get the chance.
How does Mark feel about Kane this week—does he hate him or is he willing to give the "Big Red Machine" the benefit of the doubt? If you're a regular reader, you know that I flip-flop on the significance of Glen Jacobs quite a bit. Some weeks it seems as though he has a real place on the roster, when other times he appears to be taking up space. The Big Show is
always
a waste of space, but when working intelligently, both of these "gentle giants" are darn-near enjoyable. They begin backstage where they talk about entering the "Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal." Big Show says that when he wins, he's going to tear off Andre's head and replace it with his own face, and rename the trophy in honor of himself. Kane seems to take offense to the Andre comment, snapping back that �Show is "definitely not Andre the Giant." What's weird is that John Cena was reprimanded for even mentioning Andre's name on Raw, whereas the Big Show encounters no heat for declaring his intentions to decapitate the first ever Hall of Famer. Big Show then asked Kane who he might expect to see at Wrestlemania—the Devil's Favorite Demon, or the spokesman for the Men's Wearhouse? Kane was very funny in this case, suggesting the Big Show should watch his match tonight: "You'll like the way I look. I guarantee it." Kane has a match with Ryback, which babyface Ryan Reeves wins in a decisive manner. Kane rolls to the outside where Big Show is far from supportive. Being the Director of Operations, Kane uses his "authority" to book Ryback once more, this time against �Show. This battle is more evenly divided as Ryback was understandably blindsided by the impromptu booking. The Big Show's unrelenting assault following a powerful exchange with the Demon proved far too much for the "Big Guy" to handle, and following a KO punch, the Big Show was declared victorious. If this took place in June or September, I wouldn't even take the time to write about it. But it happened just three weeks shy of the "Granddaddy of Them All." Was this the most entertaining set of matches and segments in Smackdown history? Of course not, but it helped position three Superstars on the Road to Wrestlemania, so I'm inclined to say it was COOKIN'.
Backstage Bray Wyatt continues his patented brand of mind games, following the torched coffin he presented on Monday Night Raw. Every one of Wyatt's speeches seems like an epitaph for the Undertaker's career. Bray makes a habit of ending his promos with a sharp phrase meant to echo in the viewer's mind until next we see the "Eater of Worlds." This evening, Bray begged the Undertaker to meet his challenge and pass the torch to the new face of fear in the WWE: "Rise Dead Man. Rise!"
On Christmas Eve this year, I was visiting with friends in New Jersey that I hadn't seen in quite some time. The conversation steered toward wrestling, as it always does, and the topic of AJ Lee came into question. Long story short: I said some very nasty things to my very close childhood friends because they disagreed slightly about the impracticality of AJ Lee. Was I right? No, but it speaks to my level of disdain for the most overrated WWE Diva in the history of the company. She's a terrible worker inside the ring; she borrows almost all of her mannerisms and speech patterns from her husband; she is disloyal to the company that gave her everything she has; and she speaks about the industry as if she has any right to do so. The Bellas cut a beautiful promo before the match about how AJ has recently taken to complaining about her job on Twitter. Of course they're not talking about how AJ disrespected Stephanie McMahon over social media, but the "#GiveDivasAChance" movement. Nikki says, "It's not give AJ a chance, it's give
DIVAS
a chance. And that's what we've been doing while AJ's been on vacation." Brie's ring psychology is kicking into high gear as of late; I really enjoyed the way she screamed at the official when she failed to get the pinfall: "Come on ref!" In the end, it was the returning AJ Lee who walked away with the win, but the Bellas managed to keep their heads high. Perhaps that's because they know they're WWE-for-life, while AJ is on the tail-end of her entire career. If you're a fan of women's wrestling—this still wasn't worth watching. I can praise Nikki and Brie all day, while running down the ability of AJ, but the truth is that no Diva on the main roster is worth her weight in championship gold. Give Diva's a chance? How about we give NXT Women a chance, instead? This entire segment DOESN'T MATTER!
It's hard not to feel for the New Day as their repackaging had all the signs of a profitable program, yet they've not managed to connect with the audience. Tonight Big E Langston and Kofi Kingston are set to represent the New Day in action against the former tag team champions, the Miz and Damien Mizdow. We get a replay of the "Niagara Erectile Dysfunction Pill" commercial featuring the Miz. I know Vince McMahon has always been a fan of toilet-humor and dick-jokes, but it would seem that an erectile dysfunction sketch is a little outside of the "PG-spectrum." I won't get my hopes up, especially if all it means is that we're going to get more sex-based programming starring the Miz. This match is very good, with all four competitors being world-renowned athletes, even the Miz who steals the show as he continues to humiliate Mizdow. The Miz ordered Damien to get out of his way, so the former "Intellectual Savior of the Masses" took this as his cue to remove himself from the match. Now two-on-one, the Miz was just seconds away from falling victim to the New Day's highly impressive double-team finishing maneuver. When the bell sounded, the crowd erupted as if the New Day was not the same team that just entered a few moments earlier. I think the finishing move by Big E and Kofi is enough to remind fans that this team is worth watching, regardless of what you think of their super-positive demeanor. The New Day's music hit, and three robust African American gentlemen in the front row proceeded to get down and BOOGEY. I am 99% sure that one of the three—the guy on the left wearing the "Paul Heyman Guy" shirt—is the same black dude from Wrestlemania, who just could not believe that the Undertaker lost. If you like high-offensive wrestling and up-and-coming talents mixed with some good old fashioned Sports Entertainment, then this match is of course COOKIN'!
Roman Reigns is backstage for an interview with Byron Saxton. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler set this up as an interview that Byron performed earlier in the day, however it's shot backstage just the same as any regular promo. I think maybe Roman cut this interview with Byron before anyone remembered that Byron would be on the broadcast team. I'm getting a little irritated with the cool-and-collective smooth talking Roman Reigns who is just too damn clever for whatever anybody has to say. I don't want to hear about how he's going to hit Brock Lesnar with a Superman Punch and then "cut him in half with a Spear." That sounds absolutely comical when his opponent is on TV saying things like, "I'm not a Superstar, I'm an ass kicker."
I was so excited to hear Jack Swagger's music, and then equally discouraged when I looked at the clock and realized his only possible opponent could be Rusev. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy both Rusev and Swagger, but I don't understand why Swagger was sacrificed to the Bulgarian Brute, rather than someone less formidable. Swagger's already lost to Rusev on a number of occasions, only a few of which have been televised. I'm of the impression that Jack Swagger is one of the only men on the roster who could conceivably defeat Brock Lesnar in a shoot-wrestling match. Swagger has the pedigree, and it hurts to see such a blue-chip athlete used as enhancement talent. Jack Swagger fell to Rusev far quicker than I might have expected, but it gave Curtis Axel the chance to show up and steal the spotlight. The fan reaction to "Axelmania" is strange; my friends in New Jersey were part of a boisterous Prudential Center crowd who went nuts for the third generation Superstar on Raw, but the same couldn't be said down in Washington. "Rusev, let me tell you something brother," Axel touted as a true Hulkamaniac, ripping his shirt just the same as Terry Bollea. He asked Lana and her US champion what they planned to do when Axelmania comes to Raw to run wild on Rusev? I don't think Jack Swagger's meaningless singles loss was worth watching, but the post-match interaction between Rusev and Curtis Axel means this segment was COOKIN'! Cameron is backstage and says, "It's about time they gave Cameron a chance." Then Summer Rae showed up to say something similar—then Eva Marie did the same. It doesn't matter, and it's definitely not worth continuing the talk about.
The main event of the evening pits four of the six intercontinental combatants from �Mania in tag team competition. Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler must combine their efforts if they're going to defeat the much larger and stronger Bad News Barrett and Luke Harper. Everyone in this match with the exception of Dean Ambrose is a former-or-current intercontinental champion. Meanwhile, R Truth continues to make surprise appearances, this time at ringside with the commentators. Truth is still convinced that if he has the belt, he won't have to climb the ladder to retrieve it. Michael Cole has to remind him that he's actually been in ladder matches before, and nobody can understand why he's so confused. The interplay between R Truth and Byron Saxton is absolutely hilarious; on more than one occasion, Truth called Byron by the wrong name, and even mistook him for another African American broadcaster, Johnathan Coachman. Truth says that he and Coach were friends, as if that means he and Byron should be friends. If R Truth was Michael PS Hayes, he wouldn't have a job right now. But in this scenario, it was very well scripted and came across great. Back in the ring, the action is what it is, as this is a severe clash of four totally different styles. Following a conclusive pin fall by Dolph Ziggler, the event degenerated once more into a proverbial game of catch. Truth was still in possession of the championship, causing Bad News Barrett to turn his sights on the former NWA champion. Truth ran around the ring, and was once again cut off by Luke Harper. Just as he did on Monday, Truth began to relinquish the championship to Harper, but this time kicked the "Zombie Caveman" square in the face. Truth continued up the ramp, when some very catchy public domain music began to play—Daniel Bryan was in the house. Truth was trying to rid himself of the albatross title all night, and quickly presented it to Daniel. R Truth then began to lead a "Yes" chant which was continued by Bryan until an unlikely challenger made his intentions very clear. The show seemed like it was going to go off the air to another rousing round of "Yes, yes, yes" from the live crowd. But out of nowhere, the former champion Daniel Bryan was struck down by a truly enigmatic former intercontinental champion—Stardust. This was a very interesting turn of events, and I would dare say it was the "Highlight of the Night"—COOKIN' for sure!
Although quite a bit went down this week, it seemed as though nothing happened at all. The programs going into Wrestlemania haven't been further established in any meaningful way, and the entire program hinged on the success of the now-seven-way feud for the intercontinental championship. While a ladder match at �Mania might help restore some of the belt's prestige, positioning it as a "hot potato" to be tossed around between comedy acts is reprehensible and might as well symbolize tossing the title in the trash. I hope Wade Barrett can recapture his championship so that some semblance of order might be restored to this rivalry, otherwise I hate to guess what might happen in just three weeks at Wrestlemania. Until next week, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty reminding you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat and follow me on Facebook by LIKING "Mark Haggerty's Pro Wrestling."
