What’s Cookin' & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
Welcome one and all to another exciting edition of "What's Cookin' & What Doesn't Matter," the weekly column that covers the comings and goings of Thursday Night Smackdown. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this was the first episode since Sunday's gargantuan Wrestlemania extravaganza, right here in California. How have things played out since the "Show of Shows," and how might the new champions come into play on tonight's program?
The show begins with the new WWE World heavyweight champion Seth Rollins, flanked by Kane, The Big Show, and J&J Security. He explains the circumstances surrounding Monday and how jet-lagged he was going into Raw after traversing the continent twice in 24-hours. He's quickly interrupted by the man that defeated him at Wrestlemania, Randy Orton, who cites several valid reasons as to why he should be next in line for a championship opportunity. Randy defeated Seth clean in the middle of the ring one week ago in Santa Clara, and never received his REMATCH after losing the WWE championship at Wrestlemania 30 in New Orleans. Randy runs down the Authority and belittles Kane for his lackluster showing at the "Showcase of the Immortals," questioning whether the Director of Operations was even in attendance. Randy Orton is informed that he will in fact receive a championship opportunity, he just needs to defeat the Big Show—right now.
Away to commercial and once we return, the action is fixing to kick off between two ring generals and future Hall of Famers, Randy Orton and the Big Show. The "Legend Killer" set to work dealing with the Big Show as quickly as possible, but was ultimately interrupted by Seth Rollins and the Authority. Mercury, Noble and Kane each kicked away at Randy with a flurry of feet until he powered out, only to receive a chokeslam. That's when the music hit—"FEED ME MORE"—and Randy Orton was saved by a former foe in Ryback. The duo cleared the ring and ended the segment with a big RKO to the Director of Operations, Kane. This was a fun way to kick things off by incorporating a match into the mandatory opening monologue. It also set the table for the events to come between Kane and Seth Rollins, so for all of its importance, this opening segment was COOKIN!
For those folks out there in television land that are complaining about how the WWE has yet to "Give Divas a Chance"—give creative a chance. For real. It's not a matter of giving two Divas 20 minutes and saying, "Go out there and steal the show." That's a lot of pressure to put on a roster of wrestlers that aren't ready for that responsibility. I feel we'll begin to see an exceptional hybrid Superstar emerge when the NXT Divas can incorporate themselves into the already established pool of talent on the main roster. This match between Naomi and Natalya was a step in the right direction, and most importantly—counted for something. These weren't just two women wrestling in a ring because they don't like each other, or because their husbands don't get along. Naomi said it herself, "I beat the Divas Champion, so that means I can be the Divas Champion." The storylines may be scripted, but both Nattie and Naomi went out before this Fresno, California crowd looking to set an example and raise the bar for what's expected out of the CURRENT roster. I enjoyed the energy, and for the first time in quite a while, I liked a women's wrestling match more than I liked the Bella's commentary at ringside. Naomi picked up the victory with a modified head-scissors into a rather unique implant driver. This match was COOKIN!
Backstage, Kane is reeling from the assault by Ryback and Randy Orton on every member of the Authority—except Seth Rollins. Kane informs Rollins that there will in fact be a title match at Extreme Rules. Seth accuses Kane of buying into what Randy Orton is saying: "You're smarter than Randy," Rollins said. "And you're better than Randy," Kane snapped angrily! Suddenly, Seth smells something offensive and says, "This office stinks." He leaves and a toilet is heard flushing. Out walks Dean Ambrose who compliments Kane on all the refinery that is his bathroom. He goes to leave, and Kane calls after him, "For so rudely using my executive bathroom, later tonight you will face the man who gave you your Wrestlemania moment by throwing you through a ladder—Luke Harper." Ambrose says "Okay, thanks," and walks off. A very interesting segment involving three of the most visible characters in the WWE. I'd call it COOKIN', and having lasted less than three minutes—why not give it a gander?
We get a sit-down between Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, discussing Roman's match against Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania 31. Roman appears very humble: "When you step in there with the Beast, you've got to ride that Brock Lesnar wave, he took me on a hell of a ride. I visited Suplex City, and I think I visited every borough." Roman says he survived Suplex City and even liked it there, "I'm thinking about buying a condo there. He wasn't ready for me, because when I fired up and I hit him right there in the mouth, he didn't have an answer." Byron asks Roman what it felt like when Seth Rollins Curb Stomped him and "Took away his dream." Roman said it was terrible, "That's Seth Rollins, that was his job and that's what he did. He had the Money in the Bank briefcase with a contract that he could cash in at any time and what a perfect time? Let the animals take each other out and pick the bones, that's what he did." Roman Reigns finishes his interview by telling Byron he could have beaten Brock Lesnar, he proved he could, and he will. But Seth Rollins? Roman has beaten him before, and he'll do it again. Roman is very intense in this interview and speaks clearly, presumably scripted though far more naturally than we've seen—ever. I think Roman needed to get past Wrestlemania to not only win the hearts of the haters, but to shake the nerves that were hindering his promo delivery going into the main event. I'm not usually a fan of these prerecorded sit-down interviews, and I'm especially not a fan of Roman Reigns, but this was a must-watch couple of moments that helped rehab Roman's character coming out of �Mania, and will help build him toward his next challenge. COOKIN' without a doubt!
The Miz's music hits and the fans are almost unsure of whether to cheer or boo—who is it going to be? Does Mizdow have his own music yet? Of course it's the former WWE Champion and star of the Marine, the Miz, who heads to the ring flaunting the "Money Maker" and pointing at his non-existent supporters in attendance. Tonight the Miz is going one-on-one with his former tag team partner, R Truth. Truth raps to the ring per usual with a new hair style and an exceptional energy—perhaps looking forward to his upcoming WWE-produced hip hop album? The audience chants, "We want Mizdow," within seconds of the opening bell. The Miz tries to compete with the second-ever TNA NWA champion, Ron Killings, but succumbs to the jeers of the crowd, which allows for R Truth to set the pace going into the bout. R Truth shook the Miz off of a roll up attempt and the "A-Lister" took to the apron so as to avoid �Truth's attack. He reentered and caught a distracted R-Truth with the "Skullcrushing Finale," for the win. However, before the Miz could enjoy his victory, he was interrupted by his former stunt double, who decked his one-time employer and donned his signature sunglasses. This was a hit-or-miss, and in the interest of fairness, I'll say it was COOKIN'.
Finally the CHAMP IS HERE—the United States Champion that is! John Cena enters the arena to the usual reception, although most fans in attendance seem too intrigued by Cena with the US belt to boo it at full force. The music fades out and John Cena unravels his �Mania match contract, as he prepares to address the audience. "Fresno's a bit fired up tonight, huh," he asked? "Good, I am too. I told the world going into Wrestlemania that this was our Declaration of Independence [the contract] and Wrestlemania itself was our Revolution. And finally the United States Championship will get the respect it deserves." He tells the fans that Rusev is an amazing athlete who remained undefeated for over a year, but despite his unprecedented accolades, he doesn't deserve to be United States Champion. Cena goes on about how Rusev IS the "American Dream," because he came to the United States and found success. Cena incites a "USA" chant that fills the arena. He says he is proud of the United States and he is proud of the United States Championship: "This championship is not just a beacon of excellence, from now on this championship represents opportunity." Cena invites the underdogs, the outcasts, the future stars, the have-nots and the B+ players, to take a shot at his United States Championship. Cena proclaims that he will issue an open challenge each and every Monday night to different opponents that want to prove their worth against the US Champion. Before he can finish his sentence however, Rusev's music hits and the "Former Champ is Here." Rusev is escorted by Lana, who carries the microphone: "What happened at Wrestlemania was not an opportunity, it was a travesty." For the first time ever, Lana's smug sense of self-satisfaction has taken a back seat to her utter hatred for John Cena and the United States. She claims John Cena isn't worthy of the title, and the WWE is Rusev's world. Rusev reaches for the microphone, silencing her before she can finish her sentence. "I did not lose at Wrestlemania," Rusev started. "I am still America's champion. I am the super athlete. I am a Russian tank. John Cena—you're not a hero, you're a coward just like all of these! This is Rusev's domain, this is Rusev's country, this is Rusev's world!" Rusev says that John Cena has an opportunity of his own, and that opportunity is to return Rusev's property or get crushed at Extreme Rules. John Cena challenges Rusev to wrestle tonight on Smackdown, and Rusev walks toward the ring with the Russian flag. He waves it, telling John Cena that it will be all he sees at Extreme Rules. He then hands it to Lana and points to the heavens, "And you're gonna see this!" He expects his Russian flag to fall per usual, but it doesn't. Again he says, "You're gonna see this!" Cena surprises Rusev by revealing the stars and stripes instead. This was an electric several minutes, and though the crowd wasn't completely behind Cena going in, he had them all by the time he left the ring. Absolutely positively COOKIN! I'm so excited for John Cena as the United States Champion.
Up next is the newly announced singles bout between Dean Ambrose and the former intercontinental champion Luke Harper. The bell sounds and the Lunatic Fringe is in control, but things quickly turn and we're all the sudden in the midst of a back and forth brawl. I've been down on Dean Ambrose as of late, and I'm not really sure why. I don't think he's the best wrestler in the WWE, but since when has the WWE been about wrestling? I really enjoyed his match with Luke Harper tonight, and much of that has to do with recent research I've done, delving deeper into who exactly Dean Ambrose is. He's led a truly fascinating life, and even dropped out of high school to pursue wrestling on a full-time basis. He also won me over at Wrestlemania, when he failed—as did five other Superstars—to capture the WWE intercontinental championship. He did however, take one of the most brutal bumps in the match, and returned to Raw the next night. His match with Luke Harper is going about as successfully as his bout for the IC strap last Sunday, as Harper hopes to end things with his patented powerbomb. Ambrose fights out and draws the big man to the outside, where Luke Harper continues his dominance. Harper tears the announce table apart and all of the commentators scatter as Dean Ambrose battles back. Harper would have no part of Ambrose's assault and powerbombed him straight through the announce table. Harper shoved chairs out of the way and chased referees down, very much the same way that Brock Lesnar did on Monday, but left the scene of the crime before anything else could happen. This was a really interesting series of events that couldn't have been predicted. While the entire segment only lasted a few minutes, they were utterly enjoyable and dare I call them COOKIN'!
I love Darren Young and Titus O'Neil. I've mentioned before that I've been hip to Darren for nearly ten years as he trained under Kevin Knight at my local indie in New Jersey. Titus is hilarious, and it's been said that the WWE is foolish for not using him more prominently. He's a world-class athlete, a celebrated college football player, and he's absolutely hilarious. The Prime Time Players are wearing really awesome shirts with their names in the style of the old "WWF Prime Time Wrestling." They appear backstage and say they're here to talk about something that's totally played out—The New Day. Titus then sprays himself with water, and does a dead-on impression of Big E Langston. They say Big E has no rhythm and sounds like he has a possum stuck in his throat. Darren Young calls Kofi Kingston an "athletic boy," but then makes fun of his chest, saying it looks sunken in. Which it does—but that's kind of fucked up, no? Finally they get down to "Mr. PhD" Xavier Woods, who gets mocked for his hair. "You know my motto," Darren Young began, and Titus joined in, "If your hair is nappy, ain't nobody happy." A COOKIN' couple of minutes from two guys that are destined to be worth, "Millions of Dollars, Millions of Dollars…"
Sheamus is finally the professional wrestler he needs to be. He returned on Monday Night Raw and dismantled both Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler, debuting a new look and a new attitude. His hair is fashioned in a sharp upturned Mohawk, while his facial hair is braided ala Pirates of the Caribbean. Tonight he enters the arena with the final ingredient that's been missing since his debut—very awesome theme music. The arena went black except for the Titan Tron and Sheamus was played to the ring by a series of Celtic strings and war horns. The crowd began to chant, "You look stupid," the same as they did on Monday, but Sheamus was ready with a reply, "If you're wondering why I attacked Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler last Monday, the answer is simple—because I can!" He laughed and asked, "Where have all the real men gone?" He poked fun at the current roster, "A real man has come back to the WWE, and I promise you that I won't stop until I've put all of your little underdogs out of their misery—fella." Daniel Bryan entered the arena wearing the intercontinental championship while sharing in the jubilation of his adoring fans. He stared directly ahead at Sheamus, as he walked confidently toward the ringside area.
A quick commercial break that also lists a handful of the new shows coming to the WWE Network, and we're back inside the arena where Sheamus is about to take on Daniel Bryan in a non-title main event match. Bad News Barrett arrives at ringside and yells at the ring crew to remove the shattered remains of the announce desk. Barrett keeps calling Tom Phillips—"Phillips"—and it's hilarious. Inside the squared circle, Sheamus is in immediate control, taking liberties with the already injured neck of Daniel Bryan. But Bryan fights back with a series of kicks the way he does, and helps to balance the bout in the early going. Sheamus throws Bryan into the corner and turns him upside down, following up with a plethora of wicked European uppercuts. Bryan is able to set the pace once more by bringing the much larger Sheamus to the ground and attempting to give him a taste of his own medicine. He hits him with kick after kick, coinciding with "yes" after "yes" from the live audience, but is once again overpowered by the brash Irish competitor. He continues the brutality on the former world heavyweight champion, joking with the audience, "Are you not entertained?" He begs Bryan to reach his feet, only to hammer away again with fiery European uppercuts. Listening to Jerry Lawler at ringside with Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton reminds me of like—if you were to leave teenagers alone with their slightly more responsible older brother. I'm waiting for Lawler to ask Tom and Byron if they want to see a dead body. Back to the match I guess—Daniel Bryan is back in the fight and getting fired up after being kicked down one-too-many times. His adrenaline is running wild as he jumps from the top to Sheamus with what Jerry Lawler called a missile-dropkick—it was not a missile dropkick. Once again, Bryan kicked Sheamus, looking to put his opponent away once and for all, but was caught and countered into an attempted "White Noise" by Sheamus. Daniel Bryan then dragged the "Celtic Warrior" down to the mat for the "Yes Lock," but to no avail. They struggled into the corner where Daniel sent Sheamus face-first into the center turnbuckle. Bryan climbed the ropes, but Sheamus knocked him down. With his hair falling flat, Sheamus pulled Bryan off the turnbuckle by his neck—okay that was reckless—and dragged him into the center of the ring, where he hit him with a very innovative neck breaker. Sheamus then set Bryan on the outside apron so that he could perform his patented chest strikes; Bryan caught the Irishman's arm and attempted to capitalize, but was knocked down onto the concrete floor. Tom Phillips commented that Bryan's head "nearly bounced off our announce table"—which would have been better than going face first into the ground, because when Bryan pulled his hair back, his forehead was leaking buckets of blood. Tom Phillips immediately changed his attitude when he saw Bryan's face: "Oh my god!" It was at this very inopportune moment that Bad News Barrett took a cheap shot a Bryan behind the referees back. The referee counted Bryan out and Sheamus picked up the victory with a little bit of help from Wade Barrett—and a lot of help from the arena floor. Do I need to tell you the main event to Smackdown was COOKIN'?
Tonight was a very good episode of Thursday Night Smackdown, and it didn't seem like it was owed to the aftermath of Wrestlemania. From the initial interplay between Seth Rollins and Randy Orton to the powerbomb by Luke Harper on Dean Ambrose through the table to the main event battle that ended in bloodshed—tonight was a very entertaining two hours of WWE wrestling. I look forward to where things are heading from here as 2015 and the future beyond appears brighter than ever before. Until next time this has been Mark Adam Haggerty, reminding you to keep checking out Cheap-Heat and to listen to my weekly podcast, "The B+ Players." You can also follow me on social media: I'm on Twitter with @TapeTraderz and over on Facebook at "The B+ Players."
