What’s Cookin' & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
And on the fifth day Vince McMahon said, “Let there be Smackdown!” With that, the creator of the Sports Entertainment heavens and earth introduced the WWE Universe to a solid two hours of in-ring action, comically referred to by this professional wrestling pundit as “Blue Raw.” My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, back again for the Thursday Night Delight that is “What’s Cookin’ & What Doesn’t Matter.” Didn’t have enough time to watch this week's episode of Smackdown? Have no fear because Cheap-Heat is here. Smackdown opens up with a backstage segment featuring Seth Rollins speaking to Kane like he’s Han Solo and he just landed in Cloud City: “You got a lot of nerve coming here, after what you pulled.” Seth is livid, after Kane announced the triple threat world title match for Payback, this past Monday night on Raw. For the record—that's a quote from "The Empire Strikes Back," not Smackdown.
The action inside the arena kicks off with the "Super Samoan with the Superman Punch" Roman Reigns. He speaks slowly with inadvertent pauses placed precariously throughout. Wade Keller of the PW Torch said: "Roman Reigns sounds like he's talking to a 10-year old boy about how not to treat his sister." Roman says that he's had to scratch and claw his way to the top—a phrase I'm sick of hearing from the handpicked future of the former �Federation—and expresses regret in not defeating Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania. He blames Seth Rollins for taking his opportunity away, but soon comes face-to-face with the resident-Demon of the Authority, Kane. Kane is still technically the Director of Operations it would seem, although he gave his two week's notice just about two weeks ago. This is going to be an officially sanction contest between Roman and Kane. This match was pretty good, if I'm being honest and ignoring the fact that I don't care to see either of these individuals inside of a wrestling ring. Roman has been taking his licks in recent weeks, and that can only help him get over further with the fans. Tonight was no different as the Big Red Machine laid waste to the former number one contender with a series of attacks on the outside and a heinous chokeslam. But Roman wasn't going to give up, and fought back to the point where Kane had no choice but to retreat. Roman Reigns won this contest after Referee Charles Robinson counted Kane out at ten. Did it matter? Who knows—it was the opening contest and featured two key players in the company. This match was COOKIN'!
Damian Sandow's repetition gimmick is kicking into overdrive this week; Monday night he engaged Curtis Axel and mimicked every single word the "Axe Man" said. It was pretty awful, especially after a number of valid points provided by Sandow in what WOULD have been an all-time great promo. But no, Damian is still pretending to be other people and tonight he took it to the next level when he announced his own entrance alongside JoJo. If that's what he's going to stick to, then that's pretty cool. But I don't want to hear him copy his opponent's promos anymore. That's fucking dumb. The entrance shtick is far more entertaining and I could see it lasting for a long time without getting stale. Damian's opponent tonight is his newest adversary, Curtis Axel. After a short-yet-entertaining bout, Damian walked away with his hand held high. I'm going to say this was COOKIN' because I like Damian Sandow and Curtis Axel.
I wasn't interested in the Bray Wyatt/Ryback rivalry until it was finally revealed for what it was this past week on Raw. The rumors regarding Ryback as Bray's next target seemed almost comical, given the way in which Ryback has been presented since the Survivor Series. But using Bo Dallas as the transitional piece between throwaway encounter and long-lasting program might have been just the thing to make this story click. Bray attacked Ryback, after Ryback destroyed his real-life brother Bo. I've said that Bo Dallas would make an excellent addition to the newest incarnation of the Wyatt Family, especially if Ryback's next opponent on the way to Bray is Luke Harper. Tonight's match was everything it was promised to be and more, thanks to the incredible versatility of the man once known as Brodie Lee. Ryback would achieve victory over the former Intercontinental champion, but wouldn't be afforded any time to celebrate. The lights went out and Bray Wyatt appeared once more, attacking Ryback for the second time in as many days. The crowd was pretty hot, so I guess that means this match was COOKIN'! After the commercial break, it's time for the tag team championship rematch between the new title holders, The New Day, and the former champions Kidd and Cesaro. Holy shit did these guys put on a hell of a match. A hell of an UNEXPECTED match. A hell of an unexpected match just two days removed—they record on Tuesday—from ANOTHER incredible bout at Extreme Rules. There's no doubt that these teams stole the show on Sunday, after originally being penciled in for the PRESHOW. I was live-Tweeting Extreme Rules and said something to the effect of: "I guess the only way to grab the brass ring is if somebody else drops it," referring to Daniel Bryan's unfortunate situation. The match was moved to the main show and exceeded any and all expectations for what a WWE tag team match could be. The match tonight on Smackdown was more of the same, but pushed the envelope even farther to help establish The New Day as heels, and the former villains as character babyfaces. The Big Swing into the Drop Kick is one such signature double-team maneuver that's putting Kidd and Cesaro over in a big way, but it's such a small part of their arsenal. There was a spot wherein Cesaro was on the apron and Kidd was thrown into him; rather than colliding or crashing to the floor, Kidd leapt over Cesaro's back and rolling back into the ring. It was mesmerizing.
I can't take anything away from The New Day either though, because as much as I love Kidd and Cesaro—I love heels more. I love diabolical heels that don't even realize they're bad guys! That's what made Rocky Maivia so great, or the Honky Tonk Man. Or even the aforementioned Bo Dallas. The New Day really and truly feel as though they're a positive force, despite how the audience might react. This carries over into their ground game, as certain Superstars such as Kofi Kingston are beginning to make the transition to a bona fide bad guy. The New Day has been a team of �tweeners' in recent weeks, but after saving their titles tonight via DQ, it's safe to assume they're not long for the good graces of the WWE Universe. An incredible match that some might say ended abruptly due to Xavier making the save and causing the disqualification. But I disagree, in that it allowed for Cesaro and Kidd to remain protected, and gave Big E the opportunity to ride out of the arena on his partners' shoulders. If you can't see that this match is COOKIN', then you're wearing sunglasses at night. Don't be a Corey Hart—be a Bret Hart, just like the Sharpshooting Tyson Kidd. Awesome match, 3.75 to 4 stars depending on how we rate the finale.
I looked down at my phone just before the Diva's match began, and by the time I was done sending a message—it was over! So I had to rewind the whole thing, which didn't take long. Cameron is taking on Nikki Bella in a non-title match. It would seem as though the WWE is at a crossroads, and unsure as to what direction might benefit the company, and its female SUPERSTARS. I stress the word Superstars, because that's what they are. Why should Brie be a Diva when Bryan is a Superstar? To put that into context, let's head over to Dictionary.com, and compare the definitions—"Superstar: a person, as a performer or athlete, who enjoys wide recognition, is esteemed for exceptional talent, and is eagerly sought after for his or HER services." Her? So wait—according to Dictionary.com, a Superstar can be a female? Shocking. Let's continue. What's Diva mean? "Diva: a distinguished female singer; prima donna." Oh! Totally! Naomi and the Bellas and fucking CANDICE MICHELLE are such amazing musical talents that what ELSE could you call them other than Diva? Let's check out that "prima donna" definition, just for fun, shall we? "Prima Donna: a temperamental person who takes adulation and privileged treatment as a right and reacts with petulance or criticism or inconvenience."
To sum things up: the men of the WWE are highly talented sports entertainers, while the women are privileged and temperamental. If I didn't know any better, I'd say a 69-year old misogynist was coming up with these names. I think I made my point. Until they're SUPERSTARS, or at the very least—WOMEN—the WWE Divas are going to continue to be an afterthought. More on the Diva versus Superstar debate to come here at Cheap-Heat, I'm not done by a long-shot. This match DOESN'T MATTER!
The Prime Time Players are back behind the scenes in the strange all-black room that everybody cuts promos from nowadays. I really like the "Cricket Gimmick"; the �Players ask the audience about their competition, and receive nothing but silence save for a few crickets chirping. The Prime Time Players made two points this evening: they do not like The New Day, and the WWE Shopzone should start carrying their shirts. As far as the latter, I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, if the WWE Shopzone starts selling the Prime Time Players shirts, I will buy 2—one for me and one for a very lucky listener of the "B+ Players Podcast." That is a promise, whenever those "Primetime Player Shirts" finally hit shelves. As for their feud with The New Day—this seems VERY Ahmed Johnson versus Farooq or the Junkyard Dog versus Butch Reed. "Oh, we've got some black wrestlers. Let's just put them together." How about the time Vince called John Cena his "n—a" in front of Booker T and Sharmell? I digress. The Prime Time Players are very talented, but I can't think of any reason you should have to go back and watch this. IT DOESN'T MATTER!
Moments before the main event, the world heavyweight champion Seth Rollins happens upon Dean Ambrose in the locker room area. Seth asks Dean to back out of tonight’s match. He speaks in a calm and cordial manner, as if keeping Dean’s best interest in mind. He explained that when the Authority returns, Triple H is going to be irate, and will seek to punish anyone who disrespected the world champion. Despite a few misleading words on behalf of the “Lunatic Fringe,” there was no way Dean Ambrose was backing out of the main event. The bout between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose was decent enough with the same usual spots that either man tends to employ, with far too much interference from the “peanut gallery.” J&J Security became involved, as did the Demon Kane. Kane looks really peculiar when he’s stomping around in dark black dress pants with no shirt. He looks like a white-collar executive that lost his mind in the middle of the workday, and started attacking people around the office. There was a Michael Douglas movie about that. Kane can be kind of confusing as of late, and I suppose that’s the way his character is supposed to be. He didn’t make it clear whom he was targeting during the match, when he laid his hands on BOTH Dean Ambrose, as well as his ally-in-theory, Seth Rollins. But by the time the match ended, Kane made his allegiances clear—at least for the time being. Seth Rollins got the pin fall after a hard fought battle between two former brothers of The Shield. Following the match, Kane sought to solidify his loyalty, and lead the onslaught against the already-grounded Dean Ambrose. Suddenly the music that used to lead Dean and Seth down to ringside, echoed across the arena. Roman Reigns was in the building to make the save. Roman ran down to the ring like a man on fire in search of water; he collided with J&J Security as well as the world champion, before laying waste to the "Big Red Machine." A DOUBLE Spear to Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble, and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose will live to fight another day. This might have been the first time since Summerslam—not counting Wrestlemania's main event—that I've really been excited by Roman Reigns, and hope that he can continue down THIS path, rather than succumbing to the slow speaking nursery rhyme dude. I was happy to see a singles match main event a WWE program, and Roman looked STRONG—this match was COOKIN'!
This week's episode of Smackdown was pretty decent, thanks in part to the grudge match between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose in the main event. But the match of the night would most certainly have to go to the tag team title bout between Kidd and Cesaro and The New Day. This whole "New Day Sucks" thing is sounding more and more like "Rocky Sucks" as the weeks go on. Nothing really groundbreaking to report however, except for the monumental way in which Roman Reigns erupted upon the arena during the final segment of the night. I'm still not sure about this guy, but the WWE Universe appears to be jumping on board. Until next time this has been Mark Adam Haggerty reminding you to keep checking out all my work here at Cheap-Heat and at Daily Wrestling News; follow me on Twitter via @TapeTraderz and on Facebook by LIKING "The B+ Players"; and listen to my podcasts every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday—exclusively at Cheap-Heat.com.
