What’s Cookin' & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
It’sВ Thursday Night and that means it’s time for Smackdown. Is that really the best introduction I can think of? I think so. I’m exhausted from having my sister staying with me here in SoCal for her 23rd birthday, and all I really want to do is talk about wrestling. So let’s forego the witty opening paragraph that nobody reads anyway, and get down to business. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this is “What’s Cookin’ & What Doesn’t Matter.”
The show kicks off with the WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins, flanked by J&J Security. Seth says that regardless of whether or not he’s stuck inside a cage with Randy Orton, he doesn’t need anybody’s help in defending his WWE title. That’s when the music hit, and hellfire and brimstone painted the LCD screens of the Titan Tron. Kane is still the Director of Operations for the next two weeks,В and tells Seth that he can be his best friend this Sunday–or the man who secures the greatest loss of his career. Kane might in fact be the best promo in all of the WWE; he has no trouble expressing himself in a fluid and creative way without backtracking on his own words, and without making it seem as though he’s reading from a script. Seth Rollins is wonderful at working alongside someone as talented on the mic as Kane, and both men walk away from this opening segment looking fantastic in terms of talking. Kane says that since he laid down for the champion two weeks ago on Raw, it’s only fair that Seth lay down for him. Then Seth said those magical Shawn Michaels words: “I’m the champion and I don’t lay down for anybody.” “Not anybody,” Kane snapped! “The man who holds the key to your destiny.” Kane ordered that a referee to come down to the ring, and assured Seth that this would be a nontitle contest. He ordered Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury to vacate the ring, and warned them not to make him repeat himself. Seth Rollins argued on the microphone right up until the bell rang; Kane ordered the official to ring the bell and said, “Triple H isn’t here right now, is he Seth? That means that tonight–I am the Authority.” Rollins argued more, and said that this was not best for business. Kane told him that he would put it in words that he could understand: “Lay down now! Or I will reach down your throat and rip your guts out!” Seth looked utterly petrified and slowly dropped to his knees, and moved onto his back, allowing Kane to pin him. “I’m just mess in’ with you man!” Kane laughed, and Seth stood. “Unfortunately your opponent tonight isn’t as reasonable as I am.” Dean Ambrose comes out of the ring to wrestle Seth Rollins, but Ambrose’s opponent on Sunday appears to stack the odds in the Authority’s favor. Luke Harper teams with J&J and the champion to dismantle the “Lunatic Fringe,” but Roman Reigns arrived to even the odds. The opening contest never actually got started, as the fragmented Authority escaped up the ramp. However after the first commercial of the night, we receive word that Ambrose and Reigns will team up in ourВ main event against Seth Rollins and Luke Harper.В This segment was COOKIN’ without a doubt!
The official first match of the evening is a tag team contest featuring the “Show Off” Dolph Ziggler and the “Man that Gravity Forgot” Neville against Sheamus and Bad News Barrett. At the risk of going off on a tangent, I’ve always liked how the WWE has remained moderately consistent in its announcing practices. Where are they from, how much do they weigh, who are they? But for some reason Neville isn’t introduced like that. “And his partner, The Man that Gravity Forgot, the New Sensation, Neville!” Don’t do that–that’s stupid. And while I’m on it, Eden might be my favorite female WWE ring announcer in history. She’s very good. Back to the match. Sheamus is the last to emerge, and carries a microphone: “In real life, size matters and under-dogs never win.” It’s pretty cool how Dolph Ziggler is the only person in this match NOT from the U.K. or Ireland. I’m not looking forward to the “Kiss Me Arse” match at Extreme Rules; anybody that doesn’t have an Irish accent sounds absolutely ridiculous saying the word “arse,” so of course everybody has to say it. And furthermore, is somebody actually going to kiss somebody else’s ass, Г la the “Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club?”В What happened to the PG Generation? There’s blood and cursing and more risquГ© behavior and now there’s ARSE KISSING? I’m not happy or angered by it, I’m just confused. But I do NOT want to see either individual kiss the others rear-end on pay-per-view. This match is really exciting and gives Neville adequate time to shine with his fast-paced flips from one side of the ring to the other and high-octane offense. When we return from commercial, the bad guys are in control with Neville on the receiving end of a sleeper hold by Bad News Barrett. Sheamus taunts Dolph Ziggler as he tosses Adrian Neville around like a ragdoll. Dolph gets the hot tag from Neville and enters the action against Bad News Barrett. Bad News connects with “Wasteland” and prepares to finish the match with his signature “Bull Hammer Elbow.” Ziggler dodgesВ however and Neville gets the blind tag after Dolph hits the Zig-Zag. Neville climbs the roles and wins the match with the Red Arrow. This match was COOKIN’!В
Tom Phillips is running down some sort of stat on Rusev when Bray Wyatt interrupts using his signature camera tricks and backstage cinematography. Bray is speaking to some unknown entity about how their strength is an allusion and how fear runs through all man. I’m not sure why anybody would be afraid of Bray Wyatt these days, as he never seems to come out on top of his altercations. “I will soon expose you for the weakling you are. I will take that one thing from you that you cannot live without. And tell me friend–what use is a butterfly with no wings?” This was short and sweet, so let’s call it COOKIN’.
Next up is Natalya versus Naomi. I really liked it when Naomi made the heel turn on Raw two weeks ago, and I especially enjoyed her recent comments about whether or not wins and losses count in the WWE. What I don’t really like is her slow and steady strut to the ring in conjunction with her “Somebody Call My Mama” theme song. Naomi comes at the third-generation Hart Family member with a viciousness that seems to be more commonplace for the former Funkadactyl than ever before. After a “Rear View”–that’s the butt move–Naomi gets the 1-2-3. Who’s the babyface going into Naomi’s Diva’s title match against Nikki Bella? This was the first match/moment of the night that I can safely say DOESN’T MATTER!В
The Prime Time Players cut another quick promo from backstage on their tag team competition in the WWE. They say that they’re still waiting for confirmation from Los Matadores on whether or not there are any bull fighters in Puerto Rico, so they’re moving on to the tag team champions. They have trouble defining any interesting characteristics to associate with Cesaro and Darren Young reads a racy poem about Tyson Kidd and his cats. Titus O’Neil finishes things off by dropping some “facts” on the audience in regards to the Prime Time Players as future WWE tag team champions. COOKIN’ of course.
When we return from commercial, the former United States Champion Rusev is in the ring with his valet Lana, who orders the American audience to shut up so that she can continue. “The Russian Chain has protected Russia’s most valuable treasures, and secured it’s most dangerous criminals for generations. But this weekend at Extreme Rules, John Cena will be chained to the super athlete. Because the Russian chain will destroy America’s last great hope.” Rusev tells Cena that this Sunday at Extreme Rules, he will not be able to escape him. “I am United States’ Champion, and this is Rusev World!” He then said something to the effect of “I promise you that this Sunday, no mercy will be shown.” So all I could think was, “So what? They’re bringing in No Mercy instead of Extreme Rules?” Rusev is up against “The Big Guy” Ryback, which makes me wonder who Bray Wyatt is calling out if Ryback is being fed to Rusev en route to Extreme Rules. After about 7 minutes of big man brawling, Rusev gets disqualified when he introduces the steel chain to this otherwise normal contest. Following the match, Rusev wrapped the chain around the face of Ryback and locked him in a modified version of the Accolade, using the chain for leverage. This match and its aftermath were rather intriguing, so let’s say this segment was COOKIN’!
Seth Rollins is walking around the boiler room with J&J Security looking for Luke Harper. Jamie Noble makes a stupid joke about how he’s related to Luke Harper through a mechanic that married into their family. Noble asks Harper if he understands how the tag team match is going to go tonight, but doesn’t get a response. Joey Mercury gets his attention with a bit of pantomime, but is snagged by his shirt collar for breaking Harper’s concentration. “I was thinking about all the ways I can hurt Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Pain is my specialty, don’t get in my way.” Unfortunately for Seth and Luke, this bit of dialogue was unnecessary and IT DOESN’T MATTER!
The New Day’s entrance music is hilarious because when Big E’s voice comes over the speaker, everybody gets excited because they forget who it’s going to be. Then it hits them all at the same time: “Oh shit, it’s The New Day.” They’re like a three-man group of Rocky Maivias who are way too positive for their own good. But was that the goal the whole time, I wonder? I originally thought The New Day was going to be a heel stable, as most people did, and maybe that was the plan all along–but instead of introducing them a standard group of bad guys, the WWE shoved them down our throats to create an organic team of villains. The New Day will challenge Kidd and Cesaro this Sunday at Extreme Rules for the WWE tag team titles, but tonight they’ve got something to get off their chests. Big E says that there is a lack of positivity, smiling, and clapping in the WWE Universe. He embraces his fellow stablemates and passes the mic to Xavier Woods. Woods says that The New Day is like medicine–it might not taste too good going down, but it will cure whatever ails you. They try and share their rhythmic clap with the WWE Universe, but the fans in attendance only chant “New Day Sucks” to the newly established pattern. Tyson Kidd and Antonio Cesaro arrive in the arena to an overwhelming ovation. It’s crazy to think how popular Tyson Kidd has become in less than one year, and how far Cesaro has come since almost falling off the map over the summer.В
Cesaro is set for singles action against former intercontinental champion Kofi Kingston on this edition of Smackdown. We are told that the tag team championship match this Sunday will take place on the preshow one hour before the main show begins at 8 o’clock EST. I feel as though Kidd and Cesaro have done a fine job of amassing a loyal fan base, while all three members of The New Day are highly capable athletes inside the ring. Therefore, I can’t for the life of me imagine why these teams are being relegated to the preshow once again.В Why can’t the “Kiss My Arse” match be on the preshow? After a solid a few moments of in ring competition, Kofi Kingston defeats Cesaro with the Trouble in Paradise for the victory. COOKIN’!
It’s time for the tag team main event match with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose versus Luke Harper and the WWE champion Seth Rollins. I really enjoyed this match, not only for the fast paced excitement between the ropes, but because the WWE is finally allowing the next-generation to stand on its own without superstars such as John Cena acting as tent poles. All four men in this match came through the WWE Developmental system in one way or another, and Seth Rollins was the first ever NXT champion. Just before the bell rings, Kane makes a surprise appearance at ringside, much to the dismay of the WWE champion. Ambrose and Reigns are tremendously in sync, a holdover no doubt, from their days as Brothers of the Shield. I don’t like the way that Seth’s six-month long rivalry with Dean Ambrose has been almost completelyВ forgotten in favor of moving Seth to the top of the roster, and keeping Dean in the middle. I don’t disagree with that decision whatsoever, as I’m not a huge Dean Ambrose fan. But there’s a larger tale to be told and I only hope the WWE goes back to their storied rivalry before Rollins drops the belt. This match degenerates to pure anarchy, where J&J becomes involved on behalf of the champ. Everybody goes flying; from the top turnbuckle and over the top rope, everyone is impressive, including the FORMER number one contender Roman Reigns. The fans chant “this is awesome” when all four men crash and burn on the outside. Kane saw that they all risked count out, and tossed them back in. Roman Reigns hits Seth Rollins with the Spear and the WWE Champion leaves Smackdown flat on his back. COOKIN’!!
What might the fate of Smackdown be when it moves to the USA Network in 2016? Will the WWE finally take its “Blue B-Show” live in an attempt to boost ratings and make its “wrestling program” more “must-see TV?” I host a weekly podcast called the “B+ Players,” available here at Cheap-Heat.com every Monday. Last week my co-host and fellow C-H contributor Gary Mastriano suggested that the WWE takes Smackdown live and splits the roster again. This would create two separate touring companies, where the Raw brand can work Friday through Monday, and the Smackdown brand can work Thursday through Sunday. Both brands would be available throughout the weekend for house shows and pay per views, and all performers would be allotted three days off per week. Just a thought–a thought you can follow up with Gary on at Twitter @BPlayerPodcast. As for me? You can Tweet me your questions, suggestions or hateful comments @TapeTraderz. Until next time my name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this has been “What’s Cookin’ & What Doesn’t Matter.”
