Let me be among the first columnists here at Cheap-Heat to wish you and yours a wonderfully Happy New Year and welcome to 2015! Thus far things feel pretty much the same when compared to last year but let’s not jinx ourselves because boring is better than any number of alternatives—am I right? I feel good, so let's skip the ceremony and talk about Smackdown! Monday Night Raw was a white knuckle thrill ride up until the last segment so I’m optimistic that my breakdown of Smackdown might yield equally exciting moments—granted I usually write this intro blindly before I even tune in, so we're all going to find out together! My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I’m ready to report on the first Smackdown of 2015. More importantly I’m here to tell you What’s Cookin’ and What Doesn’t Matter!
You think you know us…
The reception couldn't have been hotter this past Monday when the former tag team champions and innovators of TLC opted to host the final Raw of 2014. However if I know the WWE the way I think I do, they'll try and take what worked for the USA Network and reimagine it on SyFy—and that's exactly what they did. The reaction to the hosts of The Cutting Edge and Peep Show respectively was far less energetic than the live response on Raw, but it's still good to see both Edge and Christian regardless of what the arena may have to say. Christian is a captivating character to me for a variety of reasons, unfortunately not all of which are positive. Back in 2005 when he broke from the �Fed and jumped ship to TNA there were a lot of people convinced that Captain Charisma was a far bigger deal than Vince ever allowed him to become. In hindsight it appears that Christian was just the first major WWE talent to sign with TNA, however his NWA World Heavyweight title reign helped to cement him as a main event superstar in millions of minds across the world. I appreciate Christian for everything he's done in the WWE, in TNA, on the independent circuit and beyond but I refuse to pretend that Jason Reso and Adam Copeland are anywhere close to one another when it comes to accomplishments. During the opening segment in which both former world champions made their way to the ring, I was privy to a plethora of Tweets, many of which questioning why Edge is always upstaging Christian. Uh—it's because he's better than Christian. And that's really all there is to it. That being said, I do think Christian deserves more of a championship send off than the quiet retirement he's been otherwise relegated to. Unlike Raw which had a hodgepodge of well-constructed backstage segments, Smackdown was forced to make due with Edge and Christian's boring blend of sophomoric stunts. Speaking of which: what the hell did they even draw on the photo of Stephanie and Hunter? If I had to tell you whether the interplay between Edge and Christian was Cookin' or Didn't Matter, I'd be inclined to give it the thumbs up as it is sure to tickle at least one of your funny bones and could prove to be the most exciting fifteen minutes of the entire show.
J&J Security is the New APA
Okay that's not exactly true, but I'm enjoying Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury quite a bit, perhaps just as much as I did the beer swilling antics of The Acolyte Protection Agency some 15 years ago. When the limo pulled into view I was almost certain we were going to get our first taste of The Authority in 2015, but as soon as I saw the disheveled driver I said, "There's no way Triple H would stand for that." And sure enough it was The New Stooges—2015's answer to Brisco and Patterson! Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble are two of the most talented wrestlers of the past ten years and beyond. In fact while many might remember Mercury for his tag team title victories, fewer can recall Jamie "Noble" Gibson's 2005 reign as Ring of Honor World Champion. It's an honor for WWE to present these venerated icons on TV each week, I just hope it leads to an appearance by their fellow producer and similarly decorated wrestler Dean Malenko. Not much to say about these two and their role on tonight's show other than to praise the work they do alongside whomever they're positioned. The repartee between the Stooges and E&C was some of the best organic comedy to have come from WWE TV in a long time and it makes me wonder if the company is utilizing any of these four talents in teaching timing to the kids down in developmental. In terms of overall talent, Jamie and Joey are two of the most formidable members of the main roster and it's only fitting that the promotion continues to feature them. If I had to narrow down the asinine antics of J&J to just one moment, it would most likely be when the duo commandeered Edge and Christian's pose-down gimmick, choosing to instead pose themselves—for the benefit of everybody with flash photography, of course. All around a cookin' display by two future Hall of Fame candidates.
“Lay down Rowan! We’re not meant to fight!”
When I released my "Top Fourteen Wrestlers of 2014", I was immediately criticized for not listing Bray Wyatt—not even as one of my SIX honorable mentions. Wyatt is an exceptional talent when Creative cares to provide him with provocative and oftentimes controversial material with which to work, but outside of his feud with John Cena during the first half of the year, I thought 2014 was a rather lackluster year for the next generation Varsity Club Member. The quiet dissolution of the Wyatt Family might have made sense in regards to protecting Luke Harper but it's done nothing to explain the current mindset of Erick Rowan. When this match kicked off, the audience could hear Wyatt plead with Rowan, heaving heavily-worded epitaphs to their former friendship at the monster, and protecting himself only with the phrase, "We are not meant to fight." This leads me to wonder what kind of contact the two "brothers" have even had since the confusing way in which their stable disbanded. I'm hopeful that 2015 will be a landmark year for young Windham Rotunda—quite frankly any sort of spotlight would spell a more successful several months for Rowan. I'd like to see Rowan built upon in a more respectable fashion, perhaps by engaging himself with Rusev once his streak has been squashed. If Erick Rowan can walk away from TV with a handful of victories this year, the next clash between Big Red and The Eater of Worlds might prove to be far more fascinating than this, a segment which I must admit does not matter.
Rhodes and Rose versus Truth and Usos
To truly get the most out of that title you'll need some cursory knowledge of iambic pentameter—it's a poetry thing, it doesn't matter. When I wrote my review for Raw I made mention that while there wasn't a whole lot of work going on from bell to bell, the few matches we did witness were enough to offset an otherwise unbalanced broadcast. The same cannot be said for Smackdown however as the shorter show had just as few moments of mat work, but lacked severely by comparison in regard to promos and production. If I had to choose a match of the night I guess it would be this six-man encounter featuring the new Tag Team Champions teaming with R. Truth as they battle The Rhodes Brothers and Adam Rose. I thought this match was incredibly entertaining despite the commercial breaks that only hindered my enjoyment; whenever I find myself fully invested I'm forcefully ejected from the moment by a commercial for Dig or Haven or whatever other bogus chicanery SyFy feels wrestling fans might be keen on. The Uso's were named the number one tag team in the WWE by many podcasters and columnists, but not without disclaimers disowning the tag division as a whole, thus declaring Jimmy and Jey winners by default. While I can agree the WWE is severely lacking in competition for the now-two time champions, it isn't fair to discredit a deserving team based solely on the company's lack of direction. I think a common complaint is that the Uso's might be making liberal use out of their over-the-top aerial maneuvers, but what else can you fault the duo on other than an unbelievable work ethic? Adam Rose is becoming one of the more interesting members of the roster in my eyes, and believe me—I know how insane that sounds! I think the reemergence of Leo Kruger is all but imminent at this point, though I'm not sure whether he'll change his name or simply remain Adam Rose. This has more than likely been a case of a character not clicking with the audience outside of developmental, but half of me still holds hope that Adam Rose is a cover-persona concocted only to help introduce Kruger in a more meaningful way. This match was definitely cookin' by comparison as it offered the best back and forth storytelling of the evening. Other matches may have featured higher profile players, but this contest was perhaps the only on the card to consider Kayfabe and therefore suspend anybody's disbelief.
Well it's the Big Show…
The Big Show "broke into" the WWE just about 16 years ago and if you would have told me that THE GIANT would be wrestling more than twenty years after his WCW debut, I'd have called you a dirty liar. Who thought Paul Wight would even be alive in twenty-fifteen, much less engaged in one of the more important programs leading into Wrestlemania season? It's absolutely absurd to consider the fact that this guy was the ECW Champion nine years ago, and even then was said to be on the backside of his career. I think it's about time for the "Big Nasty Bastard" to consider accepting a Hall of Fame ring in return for his spot on the main roster, because his presence on the card is getting ugly. I'm not trying to bury the Big Show, but when evaluating what's really wrong with Raw and Smackdown, you shan't look any further than the Big Show to find one hell of a problem. One of the biggest complaints about Vince McMahon and the way he's chosen to run his company is the stigma he inevitably attaches to independent and international talents who were established elsewhere; I think as long as superstars such as �Show and Kane are willing to continue, there will be no shortage of high profile programs available for them. But can we stop putting them through tables? Anyway—I've always been a proponent of using established main eventers to put over deserving young talent, especially in the case of an individual such as Ryback. But I question the logic involved in using The Big Show to sell both Ryback and Reigns simultaneously. A loss on either side cheapens the program going in the Royal Rumble for everybody, all while forcing Ryback into a tough spot with very little hope for a positive outcome. This time last week I was trying to give the WWE the benefit of the doubt as the annual calendar change generally yields lower ratings, but now that we've fully entered another year and Smackdown is set to switch time slots, I have little left in the way of empathy and I implore WWE to start treating their B-show like a live event even if they know it's not. I suppose if you're interested in the further development of Ryan Reeves and The Ryback character this segment might have a few standout spots but it is my professional opinion that this match and the hype associated therein simply does not matter.
Curtis Axel… oh wait no, just kidding…
You get it, because it looked like Curtis Axel was going to compete, but then didn't? Remember? Go ahead and rewind because it happened so quickly that I'm assuming a good deal of Facebook Junkies and Twitter Addicts missed the 30 seconds of ring time and began taking notice again once The Lunatic Fringe started speaking his peace. I can't very well argue that The Big Show shouldn't be squashed and then offer up no opinion on who deserves to do the job instead. Curtis Axel is the perfect superstar for this type of role because he's got name recognition, he's a very talented worker, but nobody gives a Phil Brooks about him! I always wondered why Creative chose to bury guys like Kofi Kingston when Mr. Perfect's sourly untalented son was around, more than happy to get any sort of TV time. I was actually pretty intrigued by the direction this segment took as it introduced Dean as a man willing to handle his business, but still determined to take vengeance on Bray Wyatt. Dean Ambrose gets compared to Steve Austin on a regular basis and while I can see the similarities plain as day, I think Dean may instead lay somewhere between Roddy Piper and Brian Pillman, perhaps with some Scott Levy thrown in as well. I think his movements in the ring in addition to his very distinct facial features are reminiscent of Raven, while his vocal delivery and unpredictable nature are more akin to Roddy Piper. Everybody appears to introduce the uncanny comparisons to Pillman when it comes to the "Loose Cannon" aspect but I more so see Flyin' Brian in Dean's temerity and tenacity inside the ring. As pertains to the program with Wyatt and Ambrose, I couldn't care less about their relationship to one another; I love both characters and I'm inspired to tune in thanks to the thought of where both men might be following this career-defining feud
The Ascension Sucks
I had to get that out somehow without pulling any punches and the facts are simple: The Ascension Sucks. When I first started working for Cheap-Heat I was given an assignment that stated: "Make a case for the Ascension on Team Authority." It was an arduous adventure to say the least as I've never been impressed with either individual and have no faith that they'll ever make it out of 2015. I think their success on NXT was owed greatly to the size difference between developmental and main roster talent. There's been an obvious shift in criteria when it comes to how big a professional wrestler has to be, but the main roster hasn't yet caught up with the rest of the wrestling world the way NXT has. I had a hard time believing any of the action that went on during their debut against The Miz and Mizdow, and I'm sure I'm not the only one as this Friday's match had Konnor and Viktor pitted against an unknown pair of jobbers. To their credit however, the jobbers did a marvelous job of selling the Ascension as well as their finishing move "The Fall of Man" which is basically just "Total Elimination" as performed by amateurs. I don't have much positive to say about The Ascension as their gimmick seems to rely heavily on their ability to dominate. Who are they going to dominate when high flying teams such as The Uso's and Los Matadores are even bigger than they are?
Roman versus Rusev: Protecting Nobody
I understand that Christian wanted to compete with Edge in the coolness category, but Captain Charisma just cannot hold a candle to the Rated R Superstar, even when Christian makes outlandish main event announcements like when he booked Roman Reigns and the United States Champion Alexander Rusev. The most casual of fans has to know that Rusev isn't ready to relinquish his incredibly impressive litany of wins since arriving in the WWE, and it certainly won't happen on a taped show set to broadcast on the second day of the year. At the same time, Roman Reigns has been behind the eight-ball for several months during a time initially deemed the cotillion for twenty-nine year old Leati Anoa'i. The match itself was tolerable enough, but knowing the outcome may only unfold in one of but a few ways inhibits one's ability to get behind either Superstar. I think Rusev is without question the most athletically superior new face on the main roster. A lot is to be said for Seth Rollins but pound for pound, skill for skill—my money is on The Bulgarian Brute. I'm still not sold on Reigns, and I hope the powers-that-be have finally come to terms with the fact that this shouldn't be Roman's year. If he's pushed now, it could tarnish whatever natural momentum he might be privy to in the future. I really think the best thing to do is engage him with the Big Show and stay the course; work him alongside established stars and fellow powerhouses so that by Summeslam he's more suited to challenge Seth Rollins for the title I predict the Architect will be in possession of come August.
Compared to its flagship counterpart this episode of Friday Night Smackdown failed to ever hit a peak with which I felt comfortable declaring a break out moment. There were several moderately interesting occurrences that succeeded in driving the overall story arch forward, but nothing ever clicked with me. I’m a pretty jaded puroresu and indie fanatic, but I usually give WWE the benefit of the doubt. I’m having a hard time believing Smackdown can ever be viable unless it ever goes live, which seems to be too much to ask from a roster of wrestlers already spread far too thin. Whatever they do, I hope the WWE does something to shake up their B Show because it’s becoming little more than 90 minutes of meaningless exhibitions spliced together alongside footage from Raw. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mark Adam Haggerty; if you only make one resolution this New Years, have it be to bookmark my page here at Cheap-Heat. You'll like the way it looks—I guarantee it.
