What’s Cookin & What Doesn’t Matter
Your Weekly Smackdown Breakdown
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
We are a mere three days away from the 28th annual Royal Rumble event in Philadelphia, and this week's episode of Smackdown had its share of important moments including four qualifying contests for the �Rumble match itself. Ladies and gentlemen welcome back to Cheap-Heat for this week's installment of "What's Cookin' and What Doesn't Matter." My name is Mark Adam Haggerty on hand as always to tell you what was worth wasting space in the DVR, and what you can delete without thinking twice. This week's episode of Thursday Night Smackdown was the second since WWE's B-show made its return to the original night on which it debuted in 1999. Monday Night Raw did a fine job of setting up the storyline going into the triple threat match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, but little was done to build the 30-man battle royal that will decide the number one contender at Wrestlemania. I was happy that the WWE instead used Smackdown as a platform to advertise the �Rumble, which they did throughout the entire night. Let me stop with the longwinded introduction and allow the Superstars to speak for themselves.
Smackdown begins the same way it did last week with the arrival of the former WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan. Bryan is once again dressed to compete although his confrontation with Kane will have to wait until later in the evening. Bryan lists an assortment of hot-button issues relating to his rivalry with the Authority, saying that he could talk about any one of them, but instead he chooses to introduce the three men John Cena saved on Monday Night Raw—Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler. All three men make their respective entrances, and all three give equally impassioned promos regarding their two weeks away from the WWE Universe. First up Ryback reiterates his tale of growing up a WWE fan, and leads the crowd in chanting "Feed me more." Chuckling, Ryback makes mention that "everybody loves the �Big Guy,'" and hands the microphone to Erick Rowan. Rowan's never been known for his command of the English language, but proceeded to execute a fine display of "wordsmanship," capped off by speaking seductively to his very own sheep mask. Might we get a bit more Al Snow out of Erick Rowan than anyone ever anticipated? Finally Dolph Ziggler has his chance to address the audience and per usual steals the show. Daniel Bryan asked what Ziggler was up to recently, allowing the Show Off to respond, "Oh you know me, ate some stuffed crust pizza, watched the Triple H and Stephanie fitness DVDs." Dolph told Bryan that he'd much rather accept whatever the Authority had to dish out, than sit at home on his couch complaining on a podcast. The party would soon come to an end at the hands of the Authority; Kane's music hit and the Big Red Machine was escorted onto the stage by Seth Rollins, J&J Security and his former championship tag team partner the Big Show. Seth begins and exchanges words with Dolph Ziggler, further illustrating the money to be made from pitting these two tenacious young talents against one another. Kane and the Big Show were next, belittling the Show Off and informing him that he would now be forced to start from the bottom, beginning with a Royal Rumble qualifying match against the man who stripped him of the intercontinental title less than one month ago. And that match is up first.
About twenty minutes into the show and the first match is already underway between the dynamic Dolph Ziggler and the unpredictable IC champion Bad News Barrett. Bad News would maintain the upper hand for the first half of the battle, laying into the former world champion with a series of brute shots, presumably in an attempt to weaken Ziggler for the "Bull Hammer." Dolph finally achieved some measure of comeuppance when he managed to turn a drop kick into a series of corner attacks, but was once again reversed out of an Irish whip putting Barrett in charge once more. A close encounter with the corner post leads Dolph to favor his right arm, which makes for the perfect target in Bad News Barrett's assault. All hope seemed lost for Dolph and his chances in the Royal Rumble, until Barrett's Bull Hammer missed, giving Ziggler a split second to perform another drop kick and hit the champion with the Zig-Zag for the victory. If there wasn't a years-worth of hype regarding Roman Reigns winning the �Rumble, I'd have Dolph Ziggler on my short list of potential victors. But unfortunately the decision has been made, and although Bryan might still be an option, the most we can hope for out of Ziggler is a star performance. Backstage, Reigns is speaking with Renee Young about the volatile situation between both he and the Big Show. He tells Renee that Big Show is a little man trapped in a Giant's body, unlike Andre the Giant who didn't need to remind anyone how big he was. I'm not sure how a promo about Andre the Giant helps put Roman over just three days away from what could be the biggest moment of his career. I was afraid the entire segment was going to go back up the beanstalk as soon as he started talking about giants, but luckily he steered clear of the nursery rhymes.
The next qualifying match features Ryback once again emerging from the locker room to a raucous reception, as he prepares to go toe to toe with the undefeated Rusev. This match is far less technical than the earlier battle between Barrett and Ziggler, but was still more entertaining than the usual strong-man-match the WWE is notorious for booking. Before the match can begin, we head backstage to where Fandango of all people is picking his number for the Royal Rumble. Once drawing what seemed to be good news, Fandango proceeded to get exceptionally �handsy' with Rosa Mendez, allowing the Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose to steal his thunder. Back in the ring, the match is underway and both individuals have plenty to lose should they allow their shoulders to lay flat for a three count. Not only is Ryback's spot in the �Rumble up for grabs, but Rusev's highly-praised winning streak is on the line every time he steps into the squared circle. Rusev is an incredible young talent who has an uncanny ability to stay in character no matter what the context of the contest, even yelling at Ryback in his native tongue throughout—whether that be Bulgarian or Russian is a matter for a linguistics expert. Ryback's fortitude helped him win the advantage by power slamming Rusev almost through the canvas. The fight would flood out onto the floor, where the referee's count reached higher and higher. Michael Cole shouted from ringside, warning Ryback that the count was edging closer to ten. Like something out of a video game, Ryback left Rusev in the entry way just as the official counted to nine, making it safe inside the ring by ten.
Brie Bella is set to compete with Naomi, as Paige and Natalya call the action from ringside. This match is much less about the contest between Brie and Naomi and more about the upcoming tag team match between the Bellas and Paige & Natalya. During the first moments of the match, we're given a peak at some prerecorded comments by the Bellas, who make fun of everything from Natalya's husband, to her cats, to Paige's unusually pale complexion. Paige responds by referring to herself as a "Glampire," further informing the commentators at ringside that she and Natalya aren't friends, so much as they have a common hatred for the Bella Twins. This match was a complete afterthought to building the Total Diva's storyline and the upcoming tag team match at the Royal Rumble. This was undoubtedly the low-point of a night otherwise filled with quality content. Backstage Luke Harper predicts his own fortune coming out of the Royal Rumble, "You can send anyone you want. But don't send anyone you want back ." An absolutely terrifying promo with creepy shadow effects giving way to utter darkness. Harper is getting set to square off against Erick Rowan in Rowan's Royal Rumble qualifying match. Although interesting and talented in his own regard, Erick Rowan can't compete with the agility and expertise of Luke Harper. At nearly seven feet tall, the former Brodie Lee can fly around the ring like any luchador while still crippling his opponents with a number of high intensity offensive moves. The match is good for what it is—a battle of giants. Rowan keeps in step with the more seasoned superstar, but it's only a matter of time before Erick Roman is cast out of the Royal Rumble match, at the hands of his former friend Luke Harper. Backstage once again Kane is stressing the importance of his match against Daniel Bryan, and insists on using "Seth's security." Do J&J work for Seth or the Authority? Because I have no trouble buying Noble and Mercury as employees of the WWE. I have a harder time imagining they're privately contracted by Seth Rollins. Before heading into the main event, we see Damian Mizdow backstage alongside his greatest inspiration The Miz. Mizdow apologizes for impersonating X-Pac on Monday, but thinks perhaps the crowd kind of liked it. The Miz laughs, telling Mizdow that nobody cheers for him and if it appears that they are, they're just applauding the Miz through him. Once on the way to his trailer, The Usos roll up on Mizdow and proceed to explain the finer points of the Royal Rumble and being, "every man for himself."
The main event is finally at hand to decide whether or not Daniel Bryan will be in the 2015 Royal Rumble this weekend in Philadelphia. Michael Cole describes Kane as, "One of the greatest performers in Rumble history." Uh—they why didn't he ever win the thing? Flawed reasoning; total number of eliminations means nothing when you've been competing in the match for fifteen years. This no holds barred match is off to a violent start as Kane goes to work attempting to put Daniel Bryan on the injured list once again. Kane searches under the ring for an implement of destruction and returns with a kendo stick in hand, ready to decimate Daniel Bryan. He lands a few stiff shots, but the tables are soon turned and Daniel Bryan works Kane to his knees and then alternates between vicious kicks and heinous Kendo stick shots. J&J make their presence known throughout the match however, saving Kane from defeat every time Bryan has victory within his sights. Just then we're interrupted by a commercial, which I can understand on a live show such as Raw, but this is a taped program! And what's worse, they're WWE commercials! Why are you interrupting the main event on your second biggest show to advertise the WWE Network? Back from the break and Jerry Lawler tells us what we missed, action that we can surely catch if we download the WWE app. Well, that's not exactly true King. I live in Southern California and watch TV three hours earlier than I did back in New Jersey. Raw and Smackdown air at 5 in the afternoon, and when I try to use the app, I get a message saying that the second screen isn't available in my market. It's not the same as being without the �Network for a year, but I'm starting to understand how the UK and Irish fans felt when the WWE was pushing something they physically couldn't use. The match continues around the ring where Kane struggles to mount an offensive, and is eventually caught in the "Yes Lock" in the center of the ring. Once again Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble make the save and become more entrenched in the matchup than ever before. Daniel thwarts their assault on his own, only to be sent back into the clutches of Kane once more. A series of reversals however and Daniel Bryan hits the "Devil's Favorite Demon" with an intense running knee. By this point, no former cruiserweight or tag team champion could stop Daniel Bryan from getting the pin and earning his chance at winning the Royal Rumble. As the match concluded and Bryan wandered backward up the ramp, the Big Show bashed Bryan from behind and returned him to the ring where the Authority set to stomping him down. Soon Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler appeared to help, followed by more bad guys, and more good guys—heels, faces, tecnicos, rudos, exoticos! Everybody was in the ring! Then the music hit, the theme signifying the arrival of the Lunatic Fringe. Dean Ambrose hit the ring, followed by the equally impressive entrance of Roman Reigns. Smackdown went off the air as the entire roster laid waste to one another in anticipation for this Sunday's Royal Rumble.
At the end of the night, only Erick Rowan was ousted from the 30-man over-the-top rope Royal Rumble match—sad yes, but it leaves the potential for a more qualified contender. Although logic might convince us Daniel Bryan or Roman Reigns might walk away from Philadelphia, ready to walk into Santa Clara in the main event, that doesn't mean the action from bell-to-bell is any less interesting and therefore I'm very excited for this weekend's pay-per-view. Thank you for your continuous readership, and I look forward to seeing you again next week with another edition of, "What's Cookin' and What Doesn't Matter."
