I’ll be honest with you. I had nothing to write about today. Even for a guy that lives and breathes pro wrestling, it’s hard to come up with two original wrestling articles a week! Fortunately, I was shopping for movies on Amazon, and I had an epiphany.
If you know anything about me, you know that I love terrible movies. Killing American Style. Samurai Cop. Sharknado. Birdemic. Undefeatable. Anything with Jean Claude Van Damme. I can go on and on. But seeing as I’m in wrestling, my absolute favorite bad movies are ones featuring pro wrestlers and/or using wrestling as part of the story. Here’s some of my all time favorites, and some you may not know of:
-Anything with Hulk Hogan:
No Holds Barred. Suburban Commando. Mr. Nanny. Santa With Muscles. Out of all the movies I’ve ever seen, The Hulkster has definitely starred in some of them. Whether he’s pushing Debo to his death, executing Kurt Fuller via electrocution, unintentionally getting Christopher Lloyd frozen, or getting assaulted by small children Kevin McCallister style— I can’t help but be entertained. Perhaps it’s because I watched the majority of films as a child. As an adult, I’m not ashamed to admit that I own every Hulk Hogan film ever. One of the most underrated Hogan “hits” is “Secret Agent Club”. The tag line is, “True Lies Meets Home Alone.” Enough said!
-Anything with Kurt Angle:
It can be argued that all around, Kurt Angle is the greatest professional wrestler of all time. Independent wrestler Rickey Shane Page often refers to him as a legend, and why wouldn’t he? Angle can do it all. He can amateur wrestle. He can fly higher than many of the best cruiserweights, and perhaps his biggest asset would be his promo ability. Angle can scare you with his intensity. He can make you laugh with his ridiculous comedic antics. If need be, he can deliver an interview that could make you weep.
You’d think that those qualities would transfer over to film. Unfortunately, they don’t. It’s almost as if Angle loses all personality in his movies. Check out “Death From Above” (also featuring Matt Morgan, James Storm and Sid) or “River of Darkness (featuring Kevin Nash and once more, Sid) for examples. If you want to see his, ahem, best work, pick up “End Game.” Ever want to see Kurt Angle in a weird sex scene? This film is for you! Not enough to sell you on the film? Then I got four words for ya: Kurt Angle Fat Suit.
– Jesse Ventura, “Woodshop”
Did you know “The Body” made a movie in 2010? Well, in between promising to run for President and uncovering conspiracy theories, Ventura managed to make “Woodshop,” where he plays a hard nosed woodshop teacher that, go figure, also served in the military. Looking for a cookie cutter coming of age movie with subpar child acting? You’ll get it in this flick. Jesse is Jesse, though, and that’s okay by me.
-Ken Shamrock, “Champions”
Yo, this movie has Danny Trejo! Ken Shamrock shoots a machine gun while in his spandex trunks! There are boobs! Those are the highlights. The plot? Think Bloodsport… but worst.
-“Cody” from “Step By Step” and Brad from “Home Improvement,” “Slammed”
Do their real names really matter? Cody is a famous wrestler. Brad and his friend want to get in the business. Wrestling matches take place in bars. It was kind of tortuous to watch. Maybe pass this one. I won’t knock Cody though. Met him this past year. Great dude.
-The Black Ranger from “Power Rangers,” “Backyard Dogs”
Backyard wrestling is treated like some sort of underground Fight Club in this movie, and somehow dudes manage to make THOUSANDS of dollars for bookings. Please go find this and watch it now. Best of the worst. Look for the Frankie Kazarian cameo.
Know of an obscure wrestler or wrestling movie that isn’t listed? Hit me up about it. Until then, by a shirt at www.prowrestlingtees.com/GregoryIron!
-Greg
