WWE Super Star Wars: Wrestlers as Rebels

WWE Super Star Wars:
Wrestlers as Rebels
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty

From a galaxy far, far away to the most exciting in-ring action on this planet, my name is Mark Adam Haggerty and I'm here to bring you the most thrilling mash-up since 50 Cent traded tunes with Nine Inch Nails. Aside from my tireless devotion to the sport of Sports Entertainment, I’ve always been a big Star Wars fanatic as well. I probably started believing in Hulkamania about the same time I began learning the ways of The Force. Just as wrestling is starting to appear again on various cable channels, so too has Star Wars returned but in a much larger way. With the new Marvel comic series, Rebels on Disney XD, and of course the highly anticipated Episode VII: “The Force Awakens,” I thought it might be a fun time to cast our favorite Superstars of the WWE Universe as some of the most iconic characters from the Star Wars Universe ! Who’s good and who’s evil? Who uses a lightsaber, and who prefers a ‘trusty blaster?’ Let’s find out!

John Cena – Luke Skywalker
Two small town kids with dashing good looks and dreams outside of their immediate surroundings, both John Cena and Luke Skywalker started from humble beginnings. For Cena it was outside the city of Boston, born to a family with little in the way of influence outside their twenty-six square mile town of Newbury. Luke Skywalker grew up an orphan so-to-speak, raised by his aunt and uncle on a moisture farm on the far away desert planet of Tatooine. For Cena and Skywalker, the thought of competing on WWE television or training at the Imperial Navy seemed miles, if not entire star-systems away from where they were. But despite the odds, both John Cena and Luke Skywalker prevailed in their respective quests; Cena debuted with the WWE and Skywalker cast off from Tatooine and joined the Rebel Alliance. Both Luke Skywalker and John Cena are proven, selfless and respectable members of their teams and among their communities, each having more than once put their own well-being on the line to help someone else. Luke Skywalker is considered the lead protagonist of the original Star Wars Trilogy, and in many ways, the consummate hero John Cena has been the same for the WWE since 2004.

Ric Flair – Obi-wan Kenobi
When the Emperor opted to enact "Order #66," the cue that would see almost every Jedi massacred, the entire Galaxy changed and Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the lucky few who managed to escape certain doom. Just like "Old Ben" Kenobi, Ric Flair was brought up in a different era where those of his ilk were far more prevalent and free to practice their craft in a number of locations without fear of extinction. But then Vince McMahon's WWF took over, putting dozens of territories out of business, and thousands of wrestlers out of work. In addition to the longevity they each endured albeit living lifestyles with exceptionally limited expectancies, Flair and Kenobi were instrumental in influencing the future through both teaching directly, and leading by example. Even at their accelerated ages, both The Nature Boy and Kenobi are considered masters of their respective arts, and despite the oftentimes dated-delivery, many fans prefer Ben Kenobi's sword fighting and Ric Flair's wrestling to whatever the modern alternative might be.

Trish Stratus – Princess Leia
The hardest part of finding one woman to fill the shoes of perhaps the most esteemed member of the Alliance is that every female in wrestling appears to possess at least one of the qualities required to run the Rebellion. When you look at Princess Leia's impressive list of attributes, you realize that anyone lacking in said categories would have a hard time keeping up any sort of consistent career in the wrestling industry. Princess Leia is beautiful, yet cunning with the ability to curtail her character to better fit her surroundings; she speaks in a clear transcontinental accent to Grand Moff Tarkin, while reverting to her regular sassy disposition around the rag tag renegades come to rescue her. Leia has proven time and again that she doesn't mind mixing it up with the men, even suffering a blaster wound on the Forest Moon of Endor. As I racked my brain for someone nearly as tough, I had a list of about fifteen legendary ladies' wrestlers but only one made sense. Trish Stratus is a member of the WWE Hall of Fame, and earned that right through hard work and tremendous dedication. Trish is the definitive Diva, a fitness model-turned pro wrestler who paved the way for the modern age of woman who look pretty but can also kick ass.

Steve Austin – Han Solo
Few outlaws have ever been known to "Fly Casual" quite like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Whether it be piloting a cement truck or riding along on the back of a Zamboni, the Texas Rattlesnake could captain just about anything without much more than a six-pack of beer and a plain black vest. The similarities between Solo and Austin are numerous, and go beyond their choice of sleeveless wardrobe, including their shared disdain for authority. As a youth, Han Solo quickly learned to forgo his own ethics in exchange for cold hard credits, spending his formidable years traveling the galaxy, performing questionable tasks for ruthless individuals. "Stone Cold" appeared in the WWF under the tutelage of the "Million Dollar Man," just another �Corporation' lackey to do Ted DiBiase's bidding—a MERCENARY if you will. Just like General Solo, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin sacrificed common decency on a regular basis for the betterment of his career, however both men would see the light, finishing their respective runs on the side of good, rather than evil.

Chewbacca – Mick Foley
You may think I chose Mick Foley to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon based solely on his disheveled appearance, and while that's certainly part of it, the similarities between Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy and the Mr. Itchy's Baby Boy are numerous and go much deeper than fur-level. We all know that Wookies are "known to pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose," but colorful Cactus Jack's brand of violence was most potent when he was WINNING . Both Chewbacca and Mick Foley are hardened warriors, willing to risk their own lives for the bigger picture—a title belt or a life debt, both beings fight tooth-and-nail for what they believe in. Whether they were raised on Kashyyyk or Long Island, each individual possesses a ruthless intensity that can only be quieted by the warmth of friends and family. In addition to their personality traits, Foley and Chewie have comparable mannerisms, including the way they walk and the nonsensical noises they are known to emit during battle. In the end the most endearing aspect of both Mick Foley and Chewbacca is their overwhelming sense of uncompromised loyalty to their loved ones; Mankind was always there for the Rock and Chewbacca will always be there for Han Solo—unless he a MOON falls on him again.

Threepio & R2 – Santino & Hornswoggle
The Star Wars Universe is a dark place to live, regardless of �Era or political climate. There is a perpetual �War' going on throughout the entire saga, without but a single rotation between each catastrophic crises. Wars wage on a weekly-basis inside the WWE Universe as well, an equally scary place to be when every issue is settled inside the squared-circle. But even amidst the animosity, audiences like to laugh and forget about the violence—if only for a moment. C-3PO and R2-D2, otherwise known as "Threepio and Artoo," are the only two characters to have appeared in all six Star Wars movies so far, providing much of the comic relief during the darkest moments of the franchise. Monday Night Raw and Smackdown have always worked hard to provide laughter without going too far; two of the most entertaining characters in recent memory are Santino Marella and Hornswoggle. Not only are the two Superstars anatomically comparable to their Droid-counterparts, but they also prove that looks can be deceiving. Both sets of unlikely heroes might look timid, but when push-comes-to-shove, their strength is in their courage and resilience.

Lando Calrissian – The Rock
Well, we might as well match the first-and-only black WWE Champion with the only black character in the Original Trilogy—it'd be weird if I cast HEATH SLATER as Lando, right? But Dwayne Johnson and Lando Calrissian equate several other parallels beyond their complexion—they're both Smooth Operators who walk the line between good and evil if only to make the dark side look foolish. The Rock was aligned with Vince McMahon as his corporate title holder before finally submitting to the adoration of the audience, earning his spot on top as the "People's Champion." Lando, although a seasoned smuggler and mercenary, was responsible for the welfare of an entire civilization in "Cloud City," and therefore signed a deal with the devil—Darth Vader. Of course Lando turned babyface just like the Rock, and has since remained loyal to the people who mean the most. When Han Solo was encased in carbonite, Lando took it upon himself to infiltrate Jabba's palace to save his friend; when Mick Foley was all alone on Raw, standing toe-to-toe with Evolution, the Rock returned to the WWE to save his friend.

Jabba the Hutt – Brock Lesnar
Living in the Outer Rim certainly has its advantages, and regardless of whether you're located in the Dune Sea or the Great White North, the key to a low-profile appears to be privacy. It might seem strange, pairing the muscle-bound "Beast" Brock Lesnar with the slimy space slug Jabba the Hutt. But ignoring their outward appearances, Brock could have more in common with the intergalactic gangster than anyone might realize. Of course both "monsters" choose to make residence off the grid and away from the celebrity-lifestyle. Brock Lesnar is perhaps the most powerful Superstar, politically-speaking, in the WWE—without having any real sort of stroke whatsoever. He has been able to make his own schedule and seems to dictate the course of where his own career might be heading. The same can be said for the leader of the Hutt Clan, who doesn't have any power in the Senate, but still wields considerable sway in the criminal underworld. Both Jabba and Brock are huge parts of their respective Universes, but neither character makes more than but a handful of appearances, making their time on screen something to behold. Of course no criminal mastermind could feel complete without surrounding himself the most vile and reprehensible scum imaginable—Jabba spends his days with mercenaries and assassins, while Brock Lesnar needs but one advisor, Paul Heyman.

Boba Fett – CM Punk
Without question, two of the most recognizable characters in pop culture are Boba Fett and CM Punk. Boba Fett comes from hazy beginnings. Born in a laboratory on Kamino and raised to adolescence by Jango Fett, he spent his teenage years under the watchful eye of bounty hunters such as Aurra Sing and Cad Bane. CM Punk was born into a broken home, and made a place for himself with friends that would later become his extended family, and soon found wrestling as a way to escape the reality of his surroundings. Boba and Punk each overcame the tremendous adversity with which they had to contend and continued to play by their own rules until both reached the pinnacle of their individual professional success. In 2006, CM Punk debuted on ECW for the WWE and managed to become a household name after eight years of main event-caliber contests. Boba had his share of disappointments, but ultimately honed his abilities to become the most deadly bounty hunter in the galaxy. Despite appearing very briefly in the overall canon of their separate sagas, both Boba Fett and CM Punk still maintain an enthusiastic following. Punk is now retired and Boba Fett is technically dead, but you'd be hard-pressed to find two more "over" individuals in either the Star Wars or WWE Universe.

Darth Maul – The Undertaker
There has never been a more enigmatic entity in the world of Sports Entertainment than the "Dead Man" the Undertaker. The wrestling ring is already a dangerous place, wrought with some of the meanest and toughest men on the planet. But the Undertaker introduced a different kind of terror, never before seen inside a squared-circle. In 1999 George Lucas premiered another kind of terror, "The Phantom Menace," which featured a character unlike anything we had come to expect to see in the Star Wars Universe. Darth Maul wasn't mean and mysterious like Darth Vader; he wasn't evil and eccentric like the Emperor—Darth Maul was a terrifying warrior with red and black skin, wielding a double-bladed red lightsaber. When the Undertaker debuted, he single-handedly dismantled an entire Survivor Series team and within one year would capture the WWF World Heavyweight Championship. Maul proved equally valuable by executing one of the most revered members of the Jedi Order, Qui-Gon Jinn. Both the Undertaker and Maul have younger half-brothers with whom they've each shared an alliance. Finally, the Dead Man and the Dothomirian each seem to possess �unearthly' abilities, as both men met their end on multiple occasions, and were both resurrected by some sort of sorcery.

Darth Vader – Triple H
Possibly the most polarizing figure in any Universe is the dominant face of the government who must rule with an iron-fist. Coming from the same suburban beginnings as John Cena, Triple H was raised in New England and never dreamed that he might one day be in charge of the most prolific "Empire" in wrestling. Darth Vader was born into a life of servitude, hoping against hope to one-day escape the squalor and travel the galaxy. While tragedy and triumph would make for heroic figures in Cena and Skywalker, the dark side would manifest in both Darth Vader and Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Triple H was the leader of the "DX Army," a group of individuals going to battle in the WWE Universe. Across the galaxy, Anakin Skywalker led the Galactic Military against the Separatists during a conflict that would be known as the "Clone Wars." Triple H could have become the biggest babyface in the industry, but as fear led to anger, and anger led to hate, hate would eventually lead to suffering for anyone standing between Triple H and his thirteen world titles. Similarly Anakin allowed his own selfish insecurities to lead him down a dark path toward pure evil. Perhaps Triple H might learn from Anakin Skywalker before it's too late, as Darth Vader's role as the "Authority" in the Empire would eventually be his downfall.

Emperor Palpatine – Vince McMahon
Vince McMahon was born amongst the rolling green hills of North Carolina, while Sheev Palpatine was born on the lush garden planet of Naboo. Neither man was entirely satisfied with the current state of their environment; McMahon had a vision for a global wrestling enterprise, while Palpatine hungered for a central government that didn't back down from the bureaucrats. Vince began by securing established talent from around the country, as he built his World Wrestling Federation. Palpatine became the Senator of Naboo, representing his planet in the Galactic Senate, while orchestrating his own agenda in secret. Vince's "secret plan" involved taking over his competition and their local broadcast affiliates, rendering their product useless without the weekly ratings. Palpatine was eventually elected Supreme Chancellor and managed to play his own clone troopers against the droid army, with whom he was also in league. Just as Palpatine used two warring factions to his benefit, Vince McMahon chose to invest in several smaller promotions to create competition in his own locker room. The "Clone Wars" came to a close when Palpatine named himself Emperor of the "First Galactic Empire," while the Monday Night Wars ended and Vince McMahon was declared the undisputed "King of Pro Wrestling." Whether their methods are manipulative or sheer madness, both Palpatine and McMahon will forever be considered master architects of their own respective Universes.

I really hope you enjoyed reading this article as it was my pleasure to mix-and-match my two favorite things in the WORLD. Star Wars and the WWE have always been two major constants in my life—no matter where I live or what I'm doing, I can always rely on either franchise to bring a smile to my face. Please feel free to share this with your friends on social media, as well as podcasts and fan pages that might be interested in this crazy little comparison. Until next time, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty with Cheap-Heat.com, reminding you that we're only 42 days away from Wrestlemania, and 303 days away from Star Wars Episode VII: "The Force Awakens."